concerned for my future, got my mind stuck in the past barely made it this far as it is how am i honestly expected to last but i made it, i'm here no applause, please, no cheers this isn't quite how i envisioned it not how i pictured it still fighting for control of my life despite everything
i'm down on myself a lot. i don't take pity, i take punches. grab the wall and lean into my emotions, smash through the anger, the self hatred. that barrier i build around me to fend off (protect?) others only breeds a battle ground inside myself. i need to learn how to break free without breaking me.
It is hot I am sweaty and already tired a lone mason out here in the sun my back bent over the edge of the foundation. Behind me the stack of bricks in my hand the trowel snatched up from my weathered toolbox.
My forehead drips joining the goo of mortar I lay the mortar bed row and grab the first brick to begin the southern wall, the wall that will face the first squall of this troubled season.
Sometimes one must begin again the project of building sanity.
The thorns in my side I try so hard to hide with humor, cleverness, even kindness but after so long they are well-planted like seeds they’ve taken root.
I am a man full of grace and gratitude even changes in attitude I float on great waves in my wooden dinghy precarious atop mighty waters and angels visit take me into smooth azure lagoons where I reside in peace even serenity from time to time.
I weep in great sadness occasional fits of despair drowning there I swim up to gulp for air leap and glide into the light breathe mercy in my flight pray for courage and gumption but discover I cannot stay afloat alone so with abandon I dive into bright souls whose hands and hearts reach down to rescue me. Some of them are thorn people too battered, broken, and rugged who’ve found the courage to change the things they could.
I guess these thorns are there to ******* up for air to give me the zephyr of humility the certainty of a love that save me.
It's been almost a year Since I'd planned To end my life
This year has felt Like a century. A century of tears, A century of attempts. A century of heartbreak after heartbreak
But as I sit here Looking out over the river I can feel my weakened, broken heart Beating
Beat. Beat. Beat.
29/08/21 Today I wage my own, private war. Today I start recovery.
I've been struggling with my mental health for a long time now, but today I made the decision to start recovery. I'm not doing this for anyone but myself, because I know I will get there. Even on the bad days, I'm not going to try and give up again.