Don’t wish me strength-
I have gathered it myself,
for there is no more time
to learn to swim

I was once a slave to the blade
Also to the pin of sins
And yeah, I thought
I had it made

Sugar spun mascara doll eyes
Life was a series of battle cries
Fate cut me deeper than I ever had the courage to carve.

It was a losing fight. The self-pity, the bloodletting, the IV plunge of butterflies, bats with razor blade wings in my veins was going to give me the feeling of life I so ached for. So I nearly slipped away from here.

Time ran out and was borrowed again
And it was not until recently that I discovered that the courage was in fact, in stopping.

The courage was in deciding to love myself anyway.

The courage was in fighting the good fight, and uncovering the joy of each breath that I take....The joy of being alive.

The courage to accept nothing less than what brings me that.

And that is How I Came to Thrive.

sometimes it feels as if it would be easier to quit fighting
to just let her do as she pleases
to just let her tell me that this way is easier
to let her force my body to scream and ignore it under her command
sometimes it feels like it would be easier to whither away
to quit forcing food into me
to just stop fighting her
but i know i will never let her defeat me
throughout all of the difficulty that she has brought into my life
i'm never going to let her take away the good again
she can have her small victories from the past
but i'm not going to give her my future
this fight will last till the end of my days but i'm never going to give up
regardless of how difficult this may be

Again And Again...

Here ye, hear ye,
For all those who are dear to me.
You didn’t learn your lesson,
My fithlty crime is renewed.
You should of protected your sanity
And left me behind.
I have strayed into there again.
Again and again,
I keep going back to my white pain-free friend.
He frees me from my earthly bonds,
And melts away my pain and grief,
Anything in our way, it‘s gone...
Sheds me of my endless sorrow and worries.
Its you that caresses my body ever so gently, Only like a great lover can do.
I've known you most of my life,
I know what I like.
Oh, instant ecstasy,
How I’ve missed you so, missed you so.
Welcome my dear friend, my lover,
How have you been?
You simply kiss my lips ever so lightly,
And let me breath you in.
Your taste, your smell, your poison,
Whisk me away I’m yours!
Lay with me for a while,
Don’t leave me like the rest.
Drain all the loneliness from my soul.
Make it all fall away, far, far away.
By my side you've always been,
Yet I have ran from you many of times.
Never the less here you are and you alone, Comforting me tonight...
Quietly knowing that soon the blame will come...
And I will, as always,
Deny that you and I are lovers.
It will be brutal,
I'll call you every name in the book and more.
But it’s okay,
You can always catch me again later.
Playing this game all of my life,
I know that you will get the highest score,
Next time you’ll hold me just a little bit tighter.
No doubt, you will be standing by to watch me, Again and again,
When I fall,
Again and again,
Hope I can keep my balance this time without you my friend.
I’ve learned that my hungry lust for you is deep. But at what cost?
So this is my dear john letter to you,
My lover, my friend.
I am brutal and honest with my farewell.
I’m so sorry for this my dear,
But it has to be done...

I will lay with you till your lusty dust has gone, Use you for everything I can and more,
And then,
Just when you think you’re here to stay,
I’ll shove you right off my bed,
And tell you to be gone.
I’ve gotten what I wanted from you,
You are all used up, empty inside.
Leave I said,
We had our fun,
We mind fucked and it felt good.
But now I'm done.
Parties over baby,
Your as cold as your ice.
Don’t you come around here again.
I told you get out!
Don’t ever come round here no more.
I can live without you!
I don’t need you anymore,
Did you hear me you blood sucking whore!
Go sell yourself elsewhere,
Don’t whore around me any more!
Get, go on,
I know what to do without you.
Why are you so vain?
This story isn’t about you.
Its about how much I love my three handsome sons.
Again and again,
I will learn to bare the pain, sorrow, grief and shame.
This ain’t my first life lesson,
Now I will pick myself up and go on.
I’ll start over once again,
Again and again.
Over and over,
Again and again.
Goodbye my white dusty friend.

L. Mack

02/10/10

More Than An Addict

I am more than just an addict.
Open your eyes and you'll see
Much more than the laws I've broken.
I am more than the drug that trys to conquere me.
Somewhere in here I am still me.
Look at what lies deep within.
Past my well created chamelon.
I am more than this addict you see.
I am more than a drug.
I am a daughter, a mother, a friend and a lover.
A christian, a writer and quiet the survivor.
Open your minds and see.
I am more than an addict.
More than a statistic,
more than a drug.
Somewhere inside here...
I am still me.
And I am loved.

L. Mack
11-24-15

I dreamed of you last night
and heard myself say
"I love you"
The sweetness lingered this morning
I realized
It is finally over --
Your anger
Your abuse
Your hold on me
After five years
Of hurts and bleeds
Love has returned to --
The you in me

my pain is never solely my own
for even when it was my body
that i was hurting
and when it was my heart
that was breaking
the people who really loved me
hurt too
because they loved me
and so my pain was their own
the same way their pain is mine

i’ve come to realise that
my story will hurt others
because it was full of my own hurt
and i think i hate that more than anything
more than the pain it held
if it doesn’t hurt me anymore
it shouldn’t hurt them either
but i know it does
and will
because their old pain hurts me too
because i love them

i think love is a mutual kind of pain perhaps

Was it a mistake?
Or rather, what kind? Was it,
Carelessness or recklessness,
That brought you to hit send.
It's like every time I start to think everything is going to be okay,
You come back and knock that down.
In person, or in my texts, or in my memories, or thoughts or this fucking stupid website where we confess the shitty things in our souls.
If you want to talk, I will.
But if you have said all you have to say to me,
If you don't want to be the best friend I once had,
Then do me favor, and lose my number.
Because I can't keep being knocked down.
I can't keep lying in bed and holding the stupid clown I was raised with close and cry while it stares back at me without any fucking eyes and then be expected to wake up in the morning and go to the school where every goddamn hallway reminds me of one of the times I made you smile.
I can't keep being spied on by my former friends, by the security guards, by my brother and by that fucking staircase.
I can't keep living in this shitty world like nothing is wrong. Because it all is.
It's all just wrong, worng, wnorg, gnorw, ngrwo.