I've hit a wall lately A wall so tall it seems impassable. I wake up daily to it encompassing my bed. Making waking up a test of endurance. Once I'm passed that, there's just another wall. Around social interactions, work, moving, and to be honest. It's all just ******* walls. Walls I thought I broke down, that are now 10x as big. Did I mention my fear of heights? I take pills that are supposed to help, and they do, but these halflives are nothing compared to these walls. They're made not of cement but of sentiment and wicked dreams. Thoughts of all the horrible options that could be. Thoughts of a depressed self and a depressed spouse. "You think the kid can tell?" That I'm loosing my grip? That I'm terrified of the monsters under the bed? I'm immobilized by my own mind like a car tire boot on my will to try. Wish someone would tow me off to oblivion. Or at least a place I could relax. I'd modestly ask for just a few moments escape. From all these walls
vicodin is a long term friend with a warrent for my liver and my life.
1:43am we had an appointment and god only knows i could never be late for such a chalky sense of closure.
and the young paramedic who burst my vein and scolded me could only pray his words meant more than the hum of streetlights as my body exchanged existence for the embodiment of thought and a brittle concept of my phrenic nerve
which was never more at peace than when my lungs remembered the luxury of standstill traffic
of weighted morals
of crushing insecurity's release and the resulted ballooning as squashed egos cry, and the garage door screams as it's yanked open
horrid sounds and tortured motion on both accounts
spiritual cataracts torn free commercialized visions now blur
as the orange bottle morphs from vicodin to paracetamol
equalized views in my bloodstream as the sheet metal ceiling shifts to plaster tiles
to a TV set
to a bathroom mirror
to an agonized woman next door
to the back windows where my mother cries where no one but the whole world can watch
to a blue plastic mattress and a first floor window covered with bars
to a pale green day room with a caged TV where there was bleach in the stomach of a nine year old
where the dying took their resurrecting breath between games of spoons
where the hinges screamed and blood pressure was taken three times a day
The tempest did not last long Though while it rampaged it was terrible to behold Stinging sheets of rain falling nearly sideways On the fierce breath of the raging wind A gale force ripping up everything in its path Sharp stabs of lightning, the only illumination Across a dark and battered land And then The storm blew out The world dropped away All that remained Stillness Silence Quiet Spinning through empty space Trying to reorient Moments of feeling grounded again Like feet finding passing asteroids Stability for a time Too soon, the rock floating away in its orbit Leaving only space And darkness Straining to find the next moment of solid footing Eyes that acclimate to the dark Learning to navigate the emptiness Between those moments of steadiness Then, without warning, a blinding flash Remnant of the maelstrom A bolt of lightning searing through space The afterimage, glimpses of times gone by Visions of moments that never came to be Shadows of a future once dreamed of Eventually fading away to blackness once more No way to see what lies ahead Or what direction “ahead” even is Just drifting But Still Trying To move forward Through empty space
The storm isn't raging but the cold emptiness is almost worse
We are told that everything is going to be alright someday but what they do not realize is that it is not about when but how. I have been trying to heal by tearing myself to pieces so far and isn’t that also a start?
Eyes wide open Staring through your soul I can see the pain in your eyes I can see your hurting I want to help I will be there when you cry I will be there when you cut I will be there to stitch you up I will be there through everything Through thick and through thin I will help you recover I will help you regain your wings I will help you blossom I will help you grow I will be there no matter what When the rain pours And rivers rise When the storms come When the lightning strikes We will stand tall Together through whatever i will never let you go. We got this!
Sometimes the enemy is myself In the fight for my will to live An inner conflict that occurs More often than I care to admit Approaching myself with utmost care As if I am a war torn child Who is use to conflict yet still afraid Like bulletproof glass that's fragile