I used to think that ****** was the same as *****, And therefore I was both broken and unclean. I have learned that you can wash the blood off And cast out the stains of yesterday’s misfortunes That I may kneel before you and tell you That I am still sacred in my own skin.
It came for me again With teeth and claws That sunk into my flesh With ruby red eyes that loomed in the darkness, Mocking me as I struggled to sleep. I was a spectator As my mood disintegrated in front of me, Giving way for the heavy enormity of depression And the burning itch of restlessness That took up residence in the wounds Bipolar tore across my mind. It came for me again, And I, as always, Was left to fight it in a weary body, Clinging to contraband hope That the consequences would not be permanent this time. It came for me again, But I am still alive.
Its amazing the changes that happen When you find in another new passion Which leads you to breakthrough old blocks The serene satisfaction can cause shocks Reverberating through your body Fixing ideas that were just plain shoddy Developed from fear of being alone Thoughts of romance dating back to Köln But new life springs from inside me Freedom and independence feeling likely Another one bites the dust, one might say But I left them in the dust that day Moving on is such a vague process People acting like its some contest But I know im in it for recovery Its all about my own rediscovery Its easier to find yourself when you stop looking somewhere else Most platitudes can be hard to apply Not me, ready to use these words to fly
Being told by friends you havent seen in a while that you "look good" or "look better" right as you are coming out of a long bout of depression just hits your heart different.
Because you as time passes think you're feeling okay, you think you are making progress, you think time is passing normally for you again... but it's hard to remember what is or was normal when you grew so used to feeling the way you did. Like coming out of an endless fog...
So to have someone accknowledge they can visibly see your progress... to have someone verbally commend you for... basically choosing to exist as yourself again... those comments just hit different.
There's a sad realization that you really weren't okay and it was noticeable... but there's also this weird sense of pride as you wait for the weight of it all to drag you down again - But it's different now.
There is not a consuming heavy darkness, but a manageable awareness of a shadowy part of yourself that you no longer feel tied to. A part of you that aches less with painful thoughts and bitter disappointment, and more for the light of understanding and rebirth.
And you realize; I did that. I taught myself how to stay aware... to heal... and not allow that dark to take hold again-
And it is actually slowly paying off.
Yes... I think I am feeling better. I am weary, sure- but I'm okay. I'm getting there.
Ramblings about the moment when your friends verbally accknowledge your improvements after months of being depressed.
(C) 2022 Trigger warning: non-suicidal self injury. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE NOT IN A SAFE HEADSPACE. THIS PIECE DOES NOT PROMOTE SELF INJURY. IT'S AN EXPRESSION OF HOW IT FEELS. I AM NOT BY ANY MEANS PERSUADING ANY READERS OF ANY DEMOGRAPHIC TO ENGAGE IN THIS BEHAVIOUR.