I'm out here searching for something more
it's something that is in front of me
but it's something that I can't see
I'm trapped behind the chances I had
I'm stuck behind the dirty glass
peering through the broken cracks
because I'm stuck
in the past
thinking of what I could've had.
Born right, if this incongruous line is to be believed
Damn, from everything I've seen, why won't you let me be?
From the way they make it sound, I think i'll just pass up that pension
With this luck I'm not sure why I don't pass tests just guessing
If its multiple choice at least
(and it always is)
You can tell I'm more than fed up with the lack of agency
Developing around our common enemies
Festering, on the bloated ass of this so called society
Becoming a myiasis
And I'll never hear the end of it
From the kids to ugly to earn the extra credit
And from the back half of my grey matter
Turning numb from mindless chatter
Society will silently suffer
Burdened down with crowns churning from an endless gutter
Plastic trash meshing poorly, piling into a funeral pyre
Ever burning and choking out the fat-ass cooperate liars
No wonder gas mask production is up
As I'm getting ready to upchuck my lunch
Sorry for getting stuck, or regressive
But batter up, cunt, get ready for restoration
Claiming good as bad
With every passing fad
Distracting all my would be comrades
Zombify the undergrads
I don't have time for mindless upheaval
So far behind
Though it seems I lead the pack
My heart does beat
My lungs, they breathe right back
I am alive.
Sometimes it is as if
Death has arrived at my door
Progress has come to a halt
My dreams deprived of anything more
Am I alive?
I am become a stagnant pond
Where wind will howl not,
nor warmth bid his welcome---
The cold, it chills the marrow of my bones
Am I dead?
From my purgatorial porch, I perch to view the news,
My peers about me move along with time
Whilst I float in drollery, prentending to flow the same---
Apparently convincingly so
I cannot be dead.
Mind and muscle try, but do not succeed
There is no regress,
But they dig a deep ditch,
Down in which I have made my mess---
I am stuck.
Each success is one step ahead
Each failure, three lessons to learn
Overcoming mistakes should put them to bed
And the next two steps are two steps earned
I can get out!
Eyes see forward, not behind
Let the brain leave the bad in the back of its mind
So then it may focus on what it has gained
The next few steps are the few that remain
I am alive!
So far behind
Though it seems I've led the pack
I need not worry
To accept the gruesome facts
I will make it!
I am not standing water
Nor am I stuck between life and death
I am alive, goddammit,
Hear me take a breath!
I just have to snap out of it and get back to walking.
A man can only write as much as what he holds behind his eyes
And if you were the last sight to see
I can guarantee that you needn't be surprised
If he runs away from such of sight, occasionally
Because the expression is either all about you or nothing at all
There is no in between such things
No inner lining between the eye and the mind
Of what a man has always seen, in you
There is just the wall in front of him
The key to turn, and the inanimate door to find
Don't take it personally
But a man can only write as much of what he holds behind his eyes
The truth is that although I speak
I often don't know what to say
Let alone if I ever have an impact
Like a crater on the faceless moon
Most nights my eyes are just too far away
To see the streaming rays of light
Which tumble down unto the earth
To illuminate the everglades where I am found
And though the truth is just ahead
I cannot for the life of me pull it out
Or turn the corner within myself
Because these words are not enough
To represent my heart and mind
And how I feel alive and abound
Roaming round these hollow hills
Excited to hear your latest thought
Least that is the truth as I see it now
As the faceless moon kindly smiles down
Onto the wooded world in mind
How I breathe a sigh when I am found
I remember that day
when I left God behind,
that I'm strong enough
not to fear anymore, not to feel bad
for doing things and not doing things,
for pretty much everything.
I, since then, by myself blessed,
in joy, every single day,
clear thoughts, clear skies over me,
wide open eyes, even when closed.
I remember that day,
when I left Him behind.
The feeling, that I've found
something I didn't even know I had lost.