At a time where it seems so very hard, for me just to feel alive.
all I wanted then, was to drive
As ridiculous as it seems
it was the stuff of my dreams
all I needed was my car and vacant 4am roads.
Going through the gears, as if they were my final years
piston tatted-ring finger; hand firmly wrapped around the wheel
braking late into the corner
locking up the alloy steel wheels on my automobile
the tires squeal
waltzing them back into rotation as I find the threshold
twist of the leg at the hip, I blip the throttle with my heel
down into second
one swift movement
un-burnt fuel erupts in the pipes.
blitzing through the off ramp
keeping it tight, clipping the manhole cover in the apex
pedal flat coming out, bounce the tach' as its not worth the upshift
pitch the car into the long sweeping overpass bend
the back end kicks out on decel'
counter steer and slam the accelerator back into the bare metal floor
front wheels clawing in the direction that I please
keys slapping my knees
straighten out and I ease her back home.
reverse down into the narrow; dimly lit garage
as I climb out, I can feel the heat radiating from the machine I built
hot oil ticking as it finds its way back to the pan
I stand and watch my car slowly disappear behind the garage door
it is but another night survived
for both of us.
Tossing and turning for two hours now,
My mind is filled with things at night that my daytime brain trys to push away
My soul has been crushed and I think that's what's bothering me
How a happy life can turn into this, tossing and turning until 5 a.m
Some things you feel so deeply they burn a fire in your chest and a wind through your veins, telling you to move, flow, be free
All I've ever wanted
Deep deep down, all I've ever wanted was to be free on my own but all I've ever been was held against someone else's will
i'm tired of watching you go.
you ghost right past me
and forget all the love we shared.
i become nothing but your past
and you become someone
who i can never see again.
but then you return and
the heavy rain lightens for a bit,
i might even glimpse the sun.
but we both know it'll end
and the cycle will repeat itself.
Dawn is a good friend of mine
While, day is just an acquaintance.
A respite from my mind seems ideal,
but that comes from setting my head ablaze.
I wore the brightest shade of Hell on my lips,
with a desire for Heaven under the eyes.
Had the desire to be a good person
so, from a young age-
I began to hurt myself instead of other's.
Mother once told me--
I'd put bandaids on the wounds of friends,
but I'd let scrapes bleed,
and drip down my ankle.
Father told me I was a hard worker,
I felt ten again.
Meeting his compliment with a blush;
he doesn't commend just anyone,
but my fingertips in that instant- burned.
Loved the sun as a girl,
spent hours under it-
now I can't stand the heat.
Even when I had to make appointments
for my father's love
those days seemed longer,
my skin younger.
Found a way to love the sky I'm underneath;
sky blue pill sertraline,
and white cloud- abilify
allow my brain to absorb sunlight once more.
& they tell me of a God who loves me so,
but my cheeks burn,
as skin melts off the bone.
And I was euphoric—
a star that burns incessantly,
taking up too much mass.
Red giant that encompasses all,
suffocating in the process,
I want to be a good person,
but I don't feel human at all.
I'm rediscovering how to love living,
just the same.
as a flawed being.
With passion that makes
smoke rise from my mind,
and flames in my hair.
My destructive personality
will someday overweigh
always barely getting by.
My disaster will scar me
beyond any form of repair,
I get no answers
when I ask myself
why I leave it this way.
Low and behold I see, beneath the surface of things.
Inner mechanics that twist and tie us together. The reflections of humanity, the decay and rott placed at our feet.
The way we sew our seeds, ripping through avast particular selection of prey we feed.
Overall becoming that vicious cycle, we take up to hand down, we repeat.
Im plagued with constant torture of painful memories. Traumatizing moments render me to my ultimate defeat.
Im left too the wolves to eat. Only my fowl stinch Drives them away.
Too abstain distance from myself the enemy, who cares to caress my ego and pleasure me with they're company?
Who can I take down or who is out their
Who is worse off than me? Rinse, wash, repeat...
Birds flying under sunlit blue skies
Crowded metro stations at night
A walk in the avenue
Chasing the butterflies
Sharing a kiss that tastes like vanilla
The smoke of your cigarette smells sweet
Fake fur coat over a mini skirt
We're Lolita replicas dressed up as Priscilla
The tears we cry in hotel rooms
Shine like diamonds in a faked card deck
The knife on my skin writes a bloody trademark
On my arm, your name and 'I love You'