Through a red stained window
I watched a friend lose their head
And coupled with regret I was filled with a hope
That maybe the blade would fail to descend on the neck of the soul in turmoil and end the berating.
The scent of fear finally fading
A sense of complacency
Come to a place that half matches decency
But it's deceit.
The blade calls and falls
Claws and hungers
Hands unbound, hold yourself still
Commence the sentence given in a voice of the same pitch and tone of the one coming from your throat
A traitor to your own
A blade buried home
A mind on the run
Forever doomed to roam
I am a hurricane
I am a force to be reckoned with
My love can cause tumultuous damage to cities
Tear down walls and rip the streets to shreds
I am a tornado
I am a force of nature to fear
My love can rip through towns in seconds
Tear up the ground from above and move a path of destruction
I am a tsunami
I am a force of change to not mess around with
My love can move oceans and nothing can stop it
Tear through the sandy shores and cause pain to whole villages
I am a natural disaster
I am a force to be reckoned with
I am not religious
I don't attend a mass every Sunday
I am not someone who gets down on my knees for my lord regularly
I am not the woman who has begged for salvation for my sins
But oh God do I pray for you
I have been praying for you for so long
The amount of worry I feel for you keeps my eyes open at night
It makes me physically sick how much I worry about you
If my words and my trying cannot make a difference than maybe my prayers can
I can't bare to watch you hurt yourself, I can't bare to watch you self destruct
I love you
So I pray
He drew a figure eight on my spine, absentmindedly,
and traced the nape of my neck with his fingertip when he said,
“You are beautiful to me.”
But the ellipsis in the silence spoke louder than he did, and the look in his eye was not born because I was lovely;
It was not because he loved me.
A thing too small for love-
But far too large to be lust;
He looked at me like he was hungry.
So sweetly he critiqued each curve, every line, blurring my edges with the images of every bent perception pulled from the mire of his mind;
Pretty innocence diminished in the grip of his vice,
Pressed tight against my body, despised in dark eyes.
I am not the inhuman creatures you contrived in the middle of the night.
I am not the feminine expression of your goddamned pride.
What a wicked crime,
to take a woman’s body and leave the woman behind.
I hurt you,
because I want you
to love me.
I desert you,
because I want to
I know I cause you pain,
I want to be your love's teary stain.
And when your fever keeps you up at night,
let my skin be your strap to bite.
All these things I do,
I want to hurt
At a time where it seems so very hard, for me just to feel alive.
all I wanted then, was to drive
As ridiculous as it seems
it was the stuff of my dreams
all I needed was my car and vacant 4am roads.
Going through the gears, as if they were my final years
piston tatted-ring finger; hand firmly wrapped around the wheel
braking late into the corner
locking up the alloy steel wheels on my automobile
the tires squeal
waltzing them back into rotation as I find the threshold
twist of the leg at the hip, I blip the throttle with my heel
down into second
one swift movement
un-burnt fuel erupts in the pipes.
blitzing through the off ramp
keeping it tight, clipping the manhole cover in the apex
pedal flat coming out, bounce the tach' as its not worth the upshift
pitch the car into the long sweeping overpass bend
the back end kicks out on decel'
counter steer and slam the accelerator back into the bare metal floor
front wheels clawing in the direction that I please
keys slapping my knees
straighten out and I ease her back home.
reverse down into the narrow; dimly lit garage
as I climb out, I can feel the heat radiating from the machine I built
hot oil ticking as it finds its way back to the pan
I stand and watch my car slowly disappear behind the garage door
it is but another night survived
for both of us.
Tossing and turning for two hours now,
My mind is filled with things at night that my daytime brain trys to push away
My soul has been crushed and I think that's what's bothering me
How a happy life can turn into this, tossing and turning until 5 a.m
Some things you feel so deeply they burn a fire in your chest and a wind through your veins, telling you to move, flow, be free
All I've ever wanted
Deep deep down, all I've ever wanted was to be free on my own but all I've ever been was held against someone else's will