I held the Bible,
once blanketed in fragile red and green--
my parents with furrowed brows
as I sat and forced my nose into each page.
I was 7.
My legs strode down the street after the slumber party.
Smoothing my sweater and shaking,
I feared being shunned within sacred walls.
"Honey, you don't have to go with them."
I was 12.
Smiles came free with my new camaraderie.
Being filled with the gospel of hatred,
"Keep doing good, you're going to hell."
My chest tumbled through my abdomen.
I was 16.
I learned that my heart could skip beats
as he held me on that skinny hard mattress.
Little did I know I wouldn't be Godly enough,
at least my lips didn't taste of deceit, too.
I was 18.
Slight contempt flooded my veins
as he lied to protect me.
"She's not Catholic, Dad, that's all,"
and I could feel the eyes I couldn't see.
I was 19.
Peace overcame me as I looked out
at the opportunities that exist
to exchange dopamine to one and to all.
Faith is not above me, but around us.
I am 24.
"What is childhood?" they asked,
I replied with the notion,
Childhood is staying up late
Waiting for you to sober up.
And it's trips to the pharmacy,
Just to be able to get out and away from you.
Smoking cigarettes at 13 to taste something other than the blood from my cut up cheeks,
Its finding a way to feel the pain before it consumes you whole,
It's becoming a mother to 2 hungry eyed kids
While yours is out dancing.
Childhood is growing up before your time
And realizing its too late.
You meant the world to her, so long ago.
You said You loved her,
a little too late.
she thought you moved on.
I guess she knows that,
a little too late.
she thought she was not enough.
guess she was wrong.
she wishes she could have said the
words she should have said,
to someone who didn’t know,
that she was clueless.
that she did not know how to say
those three little words.
through all the hurt,
she saw the hope.
through the shards of time,
she saw Your love,
In bits and pieces,
even though it was not enough.
the message You were trying to send was
a little too late.
she thought you were playing her,
a puppet on a string.
but, she realized a little too late,
through all the pain she went through,
to avoid those words,
she just could not talk
to the person, she hates the most.
through all the noise,
she just needed space.
You never knew how much it burned her heart,
how much she wanted to scream,
seeing You leaning on the wall,
as you look into the eyes of someone You did not love,
only to hurt her, to make her feel Your pain.
she hopes that she can fix this,
but, the silence caused them both to hate.
maybe things would still be the same.
but, it's a little too late.
she never said those three words.
You never let her say it.
You never gave her a chance.
You gave it away.
she should have known what You meant to say.
but she still thinks about You.
just not in the same way.
but You will never know.
because she cannot see,
the one who stole her heart,
and never gave her the chance to say I Love You.
because it's a little too late.
honestly these little late night binges on music
are all i need to keep me going when everything
is spinning out of control and the only thing im
hanging on to is the sound of your voice and the
way you look out of the corner of eyes and all i can
think about is that you don't even know how obsessed
i can get with you and with everyone and with anything
thought id leave this childish behavior behind me but
here we are and here i am staring at your door wondering
how in the hell did i get here and crying because you
didnt deserve me and i didnt deserve you because
she had already stolen your heart a while back and
im just playing games with love now
im just playing games with your heart now
so tell me that this is ok that we keep on beating each other up
even when the blood pours thicker than when it began
tell me that this is ok because i dont know when
it's going to end so ill just binge the rest of my
night away listening to songs that remind me of you
i know its too late by now
mainly because of the clock and how i feel
i know i have wasted away
i have wasted away everything i once had
and now i'm stuck
reading over that script in my head
the script on how i was going to win you over
and yet you didn't say the right words
so i kept playing by the rules
and you kept playing by yours
oh, what kind of fool am i?
i am falling in love with someone who loves another
yet when he looks at me
i question whether or not he even cares for the other
i leave this thought in my hands
pondering at it till its mush and nonsense
this is why i am awake
because he is on my mind and i cant help it
all i want to do is think about him
and so i have to pull back
i know better than this
and he probably does too
but he still compliments me
and smiles brightly
every single time he walks in the room my heart stops
he sends shivers down my spine
he gives me goosebumps
he makes my heart skip a beat
everything about him is magic and i don't know why
so here we are again
with me blabbering on about some forsaken love
while he's probably sleeping with a girl he loves
and i cant help it
i think to myself
maybe this is all a mistake...what am i even doing?
then all he has to do is walk in the door again
my heart skips its beat