I'm my mother's daughter It's in my genes to cry The littlest things set me off When I was in third grade I cried at my standardized writing test It wasn't hard, I was just stuck I love writing I'm good at it I always have been But I couldn't handle the pressure to write well That my entire life was based on my grades and how well I scored on tests And wrote about a three page story I cry when I'm frustrated When I could do a math problem on my homework When I couldn't remember simple biology questions But I did well on the tests So they assumed I was fine I assumed I was fine How could I not be fine, I did well I was talented I was skilled And I was doing well My life was too good for me to be upset I had to reason to be upset And no one realized I might no be ok Until I stopped eating and lost 15 pounds But even then I told myself I was fine I was eating less because I was doing less I wasn't using as much energy so I wasn't eating full meals I only at a tiny portion of my already small plate But I was eating so I was fine I moved out and started school, fully online I was lonely But I had my roommates So I was fine I couldn't bring myself to go to the class I thought I would love I was failing a class I was doing nothing to fix it I was starting to hate writing and reading But I had a plan to leave my major So I was fine I failed my first college class But everyone gets one mistake Everyone screws up once It was during covid Everyone is struggling So I was fine Everyone else is fine So I am fine And I keep telling myself that In hopes that one day it'll be true I am Fine
there are secrets that I have trouble admitting even for myself. and less yet more than myself admitting to others. I can spill some dark secrets some entirely perverse damaging degrading killing secrets and yet there are some that I cannot I cannot even talk or think about or imagine and therefore I will not speak you will not know.
hm. this sat in drafts for a while. nothing too too much, but you know what I mean. maybe one day I'll write about it.
When the depression hits I suddenly become empty It's like the world around me has stopped spinning Life becomes dull And at this point I would do anything to feel something Because the nothing is killing me But then after awhile When the nightmares start to fade And my world resumes its rotation All of the emotions start rushing back And at this point I would do anything to go back to feeling Nothing