Wash over with your iridescence
And waver slowly just above the scene
Mere feet away or miles now, I cannot tell?
Though your iridescent qualities may be seen
Forever in the waters quelled
Fluctuation is my bio-rhythm
Attempts at living life each day
Never the less time is spent
Wallowing in murky memories of prior days
Causes anguish to bubble & rage
My life was an accident
Thus the life I've led since laments
No coincidence accomplishment ring hollow
Due to the nature from which they've derived
Yet, I know inside they are my decisions
To which I cannot hide
The gap between you & I
Obtuse, far & wide
Despite taking my failures in stride
The pain of knowing
My one shot at existence
By Axton Rupp
We don't hold hands any more,
You don't say thanks when I hold the door.
We seem bogged down and too busy,
If I left tomorrow, would you miss me.
We used to dance so care free,
Light dimmed, bodies close... free
Music pounding, our lives out to sea.
Breath on skin, meant to be.
We don't ask how we are anymore.
It's toast in mouth, rushed coffee, out the door.
Basic texts, "We need toilet roll"
Bruises the core of my now solo soul.
We used to dance so true and spry,
Our body language couldn't lie.
Enraptured with each other, on the floor.
A dusty samba, alas no more.
There is no need for us to just fade away.
We let life and routine lead our way.
Brushing off our dancing shoes, prelude to prancing.
Life's too short, Kathy, why aren't we dancing?
You sought after, sparkling, shining ornament, you.
Hasn't anyone ever told you that you have diamonds for eyes?
When I say diamonds, what I really mean is a room full of mirrors.
Walls and ceilings and their endless streams of crystal laughter.
It echoes until I picture myself pulling my own hair out.
I grimace at the thought of the pain, so I braid it instead.
There's a surface harmony, I'd say.
If we were to wear our feelings as clothing,
you'd fit into an ensemble of red and roaring pride.
As for me, I'd find myself in the green shades of
When I say jealousy, what I really mean is
watching the boy I like look at you like you are Mount Everest
makes me feel like an anthill.
When he invites his best friend to join him and I for lunch
so "things don't get awkward" and asks me how you are doing
like you are a symphony
makes me feel like elevator music.
And when I say elevator music, what I really mean is
mindless, empty, nothing.
Unworthy of being listened to.
He hears me, sure. But, he doesn't listen.
And that is not your fault.
You are not the one who broke my heart.
You are not the one who used distance as a weapon.
You are not the one who didn't care how it affected me.
You are not the one who didn't love me;
Friend, it is not because of you that I compare myself to
that one book that never leaves the shelf.
To dwarf planets.
To the first and last slices of off-brand, out-dated, white bread.
It is not because of you that I feel you are more and I am less.
It is not because of you that I have a hard time
swallowing my insecurities.
It is not because of you that I feel I am in a cage, rusty, hanging.
It is not because of you that I feel jealous.
That I feel unnoticeable,
unworthy of being listened to.
It is because I have allowed myself to feel that way.
It is because of me.
Our friendship is a house I forget to clean,
a garden I have not watered in weeks.
Tell me, how else can fresh air ever come in
if you don't open the windows?
Please, forgive me for the achey, cold moments
where my "never mind" translated into "you made this mess".
You did not make this mess.
You did not make this mess, but you are complex.
And when I say complex, what I really mean is
you are paintings of baby cherubs and roses
on dome ceilings.
You take your time; I can be impatient.
Yet, my dear, dear friend,
your result is a masterpiece.
Friendship is a fine art and deserves to be treated as such.
am so, so
I feel empty,
So I filled myself with lard.
Maybe now you'll dent me,
Manipulate my shards.
Coax me into being
Something you could love.
Doves are spilling, woven
Twillings, cataracts above.
Seeing is harder with you,
Especially from this shelf.
Why bite the hand that feeds you,
When you insist to feed yourself?
Do you feel empty too?
My throat is aching with the words I cannot fathom saying to you
My hands are shaking because I wanted to hold your hand so fucking badly
My eyes cannot see straight because all that I am seeing is you and your bright blue eyes
My heart is racing so fast and I cannot catch my breath because you are making me laugh too hard
And then I stop
And then I remember I am not the one
And then I remember there's a beauty at home waiting for you to text her goodnight
And then I think about how she went to sleep alone, and I got to have your attention to myself for once in seven years
My voice is shaky as I tell you about my family and hold back tears because things are getting just too damn personal
My skin feels hot as I sit there and wait for you to touch me back
My legs quiver a bit as I hike my dress up higher so you can see the black lace on my panties
My smile forms a smirk as I think about you actually taking the bait and grabbing my face tightly and kissing me
And then I stop
And then I remember "just friends" do not look at each other like that
And then I remember "just friends" do not touch each other that way after dark
And then I remember how you're going to break her heart the same way I broke yours seven years ago
It is the first time my fingers slip into the spaces between yours
It's not usually okay but this time you don't mind
A light rain is placing droplets of shimmer on your lashes and your smile
We mess up the lyrics of a song that we thought we knew
The flowers scratch our legs as we walk through fields of wonder
It is the first time you come over
My mother makes you cheese sandwiches that you nibble on
I let you into my only safe haven
You run your fingers along the worn-down spines on my hand-me-down shelves
I tape my solar system mobile to a corner near my bed
You ask me about the words on my wall
And all i can tell you is that it's how I got found
I tell you about the first one who owned my heart
He was of blue symphonies and stormy shadows
He used to smile at me like I was magic
And you tell me about yours
A boy of star blood and a mind like the sea
He used to spill wonder all over his floors
This is the time that I don't know where to go
I sneak out of my house, barefoot and unfeeling
And somehow I find a way to your home
But it's 2 am and the streetlights are giving out
And all I know is your dreams are haunting you
So I walk away for the first time in a while
And I allow myself to be lost
You meet me in the ever-busy hallways
And bump your ruddy backpack against mine
You give me a pack of sticky notes for my words
And I slide a handful of multicolored pens into your pockets
Our shoes skid on the too-shiny floors
And your laugh resonates in my ears
It is the day of your first kiss
We are lying on dried-up grass as the fireflies make constellations on our skin
You say he tasted of nightmares and a fallen heaven
I twist pale flowers into a crown for your head
And you sing a song for all the light he kissed away
You and I fight for the first time
Because you don't understand that there are things you cannot know
And I don't understand why you hold on to what hurts you
We shut doors and we build walls
I string Christmas lights through my fingers because yours used to belong there
And i hear that you haven't had sleep in days
I will be honest
I do not want to count down the last three
But this is our story
We have begun
And we will end
It is the second time I let you in where I can be safe
We sit in silence and stare at my glow-in-the-dark stars
You try to form words from the mess of who I am
I try to splatter my walls with a life I have long lost
I see your fears along the curve of your spine
You lazily trace maps onto my arms
And yet I can't find my way home
It's 2am again and I can't handle being alone
This time i do not hesitate to go to your house
I stare at the shadows behind your window
And i plead
Wake up, wake up, wake up
Just this once
Be restless with me
Stay until the silence of my sadness fades into sleep
Stay until we can be lost again
It has been a week without your neon green sticky notes
It has been a month without any interaction
And it has been a full day since I realized
That our countdown didn't lead to something surprising or extraordinary
We ended in the only way we could have
I could dry my skin and be like the bark
As one day I may sprout like a tree
But never in the moments to pass
Can I survive and be content
With thoughts that aren’t mine
Even if conjured up for a good cause
Because I write for the mind
As I am of the mind
And though I love the natural pass
The whim of the willow and waves which crash
Know this about me
I am as selfish as any human can be
So please appreciate it when it’s for you
Because most of the time my prose are for me