What do you do when you're--
loopy with feelings,
completely and utterly,
smitten?

What do I do about the-
thoughts in my head,
screaming and yelling,
that I need to stop fearing the word,
Love?

He's wonderful and perfect and--
as sweet as pie,
as cute as a button,
and I simply adore everything about
him.

Why do we let them have the power to
tear us apart?
bring us to our knees?
lower our self-respect?

Why did I let you tell me it was
all my fault?

Green eyes- demons hidden in the jewels of your life- little does she know you wear contacts and they are fake.
Sandy hair- soft and smooth- little does she know you color it- also fake.
Strong arms- they can wrap themselves around you- little does she know you wrapped them around your ex girlfriend not too long ago- fake.
Weak words- phrases that are as outdated and arrogant as you are when  you pretend to be someone you're not- they sound fake.

"You're pretty." ( stop lying)
"You're perfect." ( ridiculous)
"You're unlike everyone else in this world." ( originality is dead)
"I will never leave you." ( but you did)
"Anything you want baby, it's yours." ( i wanted you)
"I wasn't ignoring you, I just didn't know what to say." ( for a year?)
"I'm sorry." ( my favorite line)

How does it feel to hear your own words used against you?
Does it sound fake?

I want your lips against mine.
Your hands all over me.
But you're in California and I'm over here thinking-

why the hell do I always fall for the guys nowhere near me?

I often think about how I would react to my own death if i was an outsider.
Would I feel sorrow? Would I miss Me the way my friends would miss me?
Would I cry at my funeral or would I stand there silently wishing I was anywhere else but here?

I think about the words I say to myself and the lack of love I usually feel when I talk about myself.
The " Oh, no I'm not nearly as pretty as she is" or the " No way would I be MY OWN friend" responses and the awkward stares after a compliment.
Would I comment on what a good friend I was? Or remember the love I gave to everyone?

I think how easy it is to talk negatively about myself as if I am that easily disposable and I want to change that.
I often think no wonder I fall for the guys who always put me second, or let the **** talkers become my friend so easily-- I see myself in the same way.

As easy as it would be to end it all, I've never been one for easy.
I think I'll take the harder path and live a bit longer and see what I can change in the process.

It's roughly 1 am and I am staring at the ceiling fan wondering if i leave it on long enough if it'll fall off the ceiling-
I can't get your body out of my head the way your arms flex around me when you hug me or the way you push those hips on top of me... maybe I just need to get off already--

It's almost 2 am and I am pacing my room smoking with the windows open and it's freezing outside-
I hope she treats you as good as I wish I could have but I'm just a messed up kid with no self respect-

I'ts 3 am and I don't think I am going to sleep anytime soon as I put on another *** of coffee and think about my life --
I wonder if you're pressing those hips against hers... I bet she's really good in bed-
I wonder if when you kiss her you think about me kissing you... or maybe you think about me kissing her?

It's 4 am... why the **** I am still awake I have no idea but I can't get you out of my head--
I text you to see if you're awake because I am really good at bad decisions lately--

It's 5 am and you respond with little enthusiasm especially since I am your ex girlfriend-
You tell me " It's over, go to bed."--

I was never very good at following the rules I guess.

Softly or not at all- you said-
But I don't know how to be soft.

I was once Beautiful and Wise- but I'll settle for being Decent and Senseless.
I once considered you Handsome and Loyal- but I'll settle for you being Ugly and Dishonest since we know that suits you best.

Please remember - I don't need your permission to be lonely and sad sometimes.
And Please remember- I don't need your approval to find myself again.

Your words used to cut through me like knives and I would run to nearest bar and drink my sorrow away while I cried to strangers.
Until I remembered that my worth isn't measured in what you think about me.

So all aboard the Heartbreak Express we are headed straight into traffic as we dissolve all memories of you and your ugly words.
The time has come to leave the past in the past and move on to the future full speed ahead.

I'll drink to the memories we shared- they weren't all full of pain.
I'll drink to myself! You're not all that bad most of the time.
I'll drink to my people- thanks for sticking by me when the times have been rough and the going gets tough!

I used to be Senseless and Decent - but then again that was all in my head and I am better than that babe.
You used to be Ugly and Dishonest... oh wait, you still are.

I often think of the crescent moon and the memories we shared walking along those half hidden paths in the night.
We danced.
We kissed.
We made love under the silver light.
It was everything.
It was nothing.

I fell in love with a siren with a serpent tongue.
She was beautiful and friendly and glowing like the ocean herself.
She was rain on the window on a cool Autumn day.
She was your favorite cup of coffee in the Winter.

In her eyes held wonders of the world.
The colors felt brighter.
The trees smelled richer.
The memories felt softer.
She was the master of Chaos.

Her siren song was so melodic.
So haunting that when she grabbed my hand and lured me down to the depths of the sea--
I didn't even feel fear.
I felt remorse for the loved ones I was choosing the leave behind.
I felt love for the ocean and for nature that was choosing me.

It wasn't until right before she opened her mouth and showed me the sharpest set of teeth I had ever seen--
Did I realize she was actually the devil in disguise.

I sat at the edge of the river dipping my toes into the cool water dreaming of another life.
I watched the ripples and the little fish thinking life must be so much easier to just swim around.
I figured they don't have to worry about romance and love.
They don't know what heartbreak truly is- pain and madness in a never ending loop.

I thought... just one last thought before i put my shoes back on and headed back to reality.
I thought, life is like the ripples in the water.
Our problems start so small, then ripple out and eventually...
they start to faded away.

You're like whiskey-
bitter and filled with sorrow-
me too.

It has to scare them to think there are some girls out there who run towards the wilderness instead of away from it.
To think some beautiful gypsy fairy is wandering into the big, scary woods at night to face her demons.
To imagine what it must be like as she glides into the night in a simple dress, barefoot and brave.

It has to be scary for the fathers who try so hard to protect their daughters to know they can fend for themselves.
Knowing their babies are out there wandering and exploring- dreaming of conquering all the world has to offer.
Knowing they are using the lessons you taught them but changing the rules so that a man doesn't have to save them.

It has to be scary for the men who can't handle that women don't need them in their lives.
To know that the more you put us down the stronger we are going to get.
To know the more you tell us we can't do something- the better we can and will do it.

I has to be scary knowing there are some women out there brave enough to fight.
To know that some women can wear high heels and lipstick and still kick your ***.
To imagine what it must be like as she lets her curiosity take over and her dreams become reality.

I'm trying to balance the wrong and the right in my life.
I am running out of ways to say "I love you" and " thanks for not leaving me all alone when I'm an *******"

I find myself pushing people away just so I can continue to travel down the road less traveled.
Following the path that has monsters hiding in the trees and demons waiting to pounce from the shadows.
I am wandering. I am exploring.
I have become one with the nomadic spirit that lives inside my heart.
But I cannot remember how it feels to truly LIVE.

He left a long time ago and my friends have picked me up more times than I can count on one hand.
I left myself a long time ago- and my family has picked me up more times than I can count on one hand.

I can't remember what's worse.
The feeling of falling in love or the feeling of losing the one you love.
Because in both situations...

I have lost someone.

I like to speak in riddles when you're around.
I like to bring you up just to pull you down.
I am afraid to commit to someone at the current moment.
But I'm even more afraid of letting this guy in when we just met.

I found love in the back of a pick up truck in a small country town.
He picked me up, tore my dress off, and laid me down.
He spoke in a pretty country accent and told me I was the best he ever seen.
I remember thinking learn to speak properly- but that would have been mean.

You left me running from town to town and bed to bed.
I can't let go of the awful things you once said.
I try to race time by running as far away as I can.
But all this running is leaving me cold and without a back up plan.

They like to keep me up night--
creeping around, haunting sounds, and pale figures in doorways I can barely make out.

They like to keep me on my toes--
Small phrases that make it sounds like they care and then they turn around and stab in me the back.

They try to remind me how to move forward--
but all they do is hold me back and keep me trapped between getting out and staying there.

These ghosts aren't the ones who haunt my hallways at night.
They are not the ones you can banish with some spell or some pretty knick knack you find at the store.

No, these are the ghosts of my mind.
They are the ones who remind me everyday I am in the same place.
They are the people who forgot me.
They are the loves I have lost.

The ghosts I cannot hide from.

I wanted to marry you -- which is something I have never wanted.
You're talking to a --
"Independent
Don't need no
Stupid Man to make
me feel whole"
type of girl.

I wanted to have your kids-- which I always found terrifying.
You're talking to a --
"Those kids are
Real Cute
When I can
Give them back"
type of girl.

I wanted to runaway with you -- I never used to run from my problems.
You're talking to a --
"Face
Those Demons
Head on
And they will
Leave you
the **** alone"
type of girl.

Now I want to marry someone who actually loves me--
I don't want to talk to the--
"Wants to get
Married
because he's 28
And Life is  almost
Over"
type of boy.

Now If I have kids it will be with someone who will be there--
I don't want to have them with the--
"I'll be the best
Dad
Ever if you have kids
When I want them
only"
type of boy.

Now If i want to run away -- I'll run away with myself--
I don't want to run with the--
"Come to my
side of the country
Because I
Refuse
to come to your
State
Ever again"
Type of boy.

You're selfish.
I'm going to do me.

I'm typing in lowercase letters but dreaming in capitals.

i'm swallowing pills and alcohol to numb the pain hoping for solitude in a bottle.
you're cute, i think?
sitting over there at the bar staring at me like i could be someone you want to get to know.
you're cute, i think?
but baby, i'm just a drunk girl at a bar taking too many drugs to even care about what your name is so please stop talking.

you slide over a glass of scotch, neat and cold, disgusting as i drink it down.  
you keep talking about how pretty my eyes are and how cute my hair is and where'd i get that nice dress and why is a cute girl like you at a bar all alone.
please... stop talking.

your hand is creeping up my thigh, and I'm too numb to stop you
the pills are kicking in and you are starting to look like him...
If i drink a little more maybe i can stomach going home with you and drowning my pain with lust.
but for the love of god, please stop talking.

he left three months ago, took his clothes and a toothbrush and headed out.
he kissed my cheek... he said he'd be on the next train home as soon as he could and left with no explanation.
he's married now.
his kids are cute.
he named one after me... which is disgusting and i wonder if his wife knows.

you are still there... wonderful.
i take one last swig of liquor and grab your hand; stumbling from the bar and slurring my words.
i laugh, because it's cute when girls laugh right?
you smile -- and i really can't tell are you ugly or not?
who ******* cares.

i'm typing in lowercase letters dreaming in capitals.
i'm going to go home with this man and pretend he's you.

cheers to drowning out the noise in lust and liquor.

I saw Blue-- Blue skies and blue eyes.
Blueberries and Blue sheets.

I saw Red-- Red cheeks and Red lips.
Red shirts and bright Red Strawberries.

I saw Brown-- Brown Sand and Brown hair.
Brown shoes and that Brown carpet.

I remember thinking-- "I am more than this one night...I am more than his eyes all over me."
I remember thinking-- "I don't care... His lips taste sweet and his hair is so soft through my fingers."
I remember saying -- " Come with me to your bed where we can roll in the blue sheets as though were swimming in the sea."

I ripped off that Red shirt.
I fell slowly, naked, against his cold, Blue sheets.
And  I ran my fingers through his dark Brown hair-- thinking this... this is what love should feel like.

This is for you my best friend - the next time I see you I will be walking down the aisle as your maid of honor.
You will be getting married to the love of your life and you will have your first child in a month.

Weren't we just 14 a few months ago? Didn't we walk home from school laughing at dumb jokes that almost made us *** our pants?
Weren't we just 16 a few months ago? Talking about kissing boys we knew our parents would never approve of?

This one is for you my best friend- the next time I see you i have to remind myself that you've grown up.
That this man you're with has a child and you love him and you're not into going out anymore.

But weren't we just 14 a few months ago? Getting drunk in the backyard while we talked about our latest crushes.
Weren't we just 16 a few months ago? Talking about graduating in a few years and how we just want to be someone new.

This one is for you my best friend- The next time I see you, you will be moving to Boston in a month.
You will be finishing school and moving in a with boy for the first time in your adult life- someone you love.

I swear we were just 14 a few months ago, right? Making plans for college and the future that we had no idea would bring all this.
Weren't we just 16 a few months ago? Trying to dress better and planning our first tattoos and getting piercings because we were so punk.

Life changes and we have all grown up and taken so many separate roads I don't know where they cross and don't cross anymore.
This ones for all of you I hold dearest and true.
I just want you to remember... I will always love you!

Have you ever felt that unbelievable rush, the amazing excitement, the terrible fear of the unknown?
Have you ever felt that cotton mouth, palms sweaty, knees weak and heart heavy feeling?

I was in love.
With your green rolling hills and bright tree tops in the autumn air.
With your bright stars out there in the middle of grassy fields so wide and open.
With the memories laid out there on the pavement leading me back to your parents house.
With skyscrapers and cute shops running the lines of Charlotte.

I was in love.
With bright green eyes and sandy blonde hair turning darker each year.
With strong but soft hands that used to hold me in the night when i was crying and afraid to leave because I always knew.
With rain drops on windows and lakes between two states that held the best of you and I.

I was in love.
With an idea of you.
With the memories of you that were no longer real.
With dreams of you I had made up in my head.
With feelings that linger a little too long for comfort.

Have you ever felt the nerves bubbling in your stomach when you see someone you hadn't see in a long time?
Have you ever felt that simple joy and feeling of complete and total content when you hear it for the first time out loud?

I was in love.
With someone who didn't love me anymore.

I went on a walk today and as I looked to and fro between the breezy tree's and the sun shining against my pale white skin-- I realized you are not even thinking about me.

On this almost summer day, I walked for a little bit.
I let the air soak into my skin, I let the sun brighten my hair, and I let the weather affect me in the best way. I decided to let the earth have it's way with me for once.

I took a step into the gate where the pool laid silently and alone in my apartment complex. I slipped off those sandals I knew you hated when I wore them, and I smiled. I slipped off that ugly kimono I knew you hated and I laughed.

Because for that moment... that single second of me stepping into the cool water on that hot almost summer day... I didn't give you a second thought.  I didn't care about the things you hated about me. I didn't care about the things you loved about me.

I took a sip of the sparkling red wine I bought a few days ago, I sat in the pool, hair  up in a messy bun, water and sun  rejuvenating my body and soul in a way that you will never understand.

I sat there... and I thought... this is it.
This is how it feels to let negativity flow out of you and let love for yourself slowly in.

We have a lot of made up, Hallmark type of Holidays don't we?
We have so many things we are told we have to celebrate our whole lives.
May is here -  Mother's Day is here.
But what about the dirt-bag mothers?
What about the mothers who don't care about their children?
What about the mothers who gave their kids up?

I know it's selfish- it's childish- but you weren't there when I needed you.
You were drowning in a bottle of ***** in your bathtub.
I know it's selfish- it's childish- but you still haven't been there.
You are too busy living in your own issues to remember you have children unless it suits you.

I remember living with dad and my stepmom- she raised me.
I remember grandma helping us with homework- she raised me.
I remember calling my dad when I was sad- he raised me.
I remember asking you where you were after 6 months of not hearing from you - but you couldn't even answer that question.

After years of picking up pieces and telling people I didn't have a mother here I am.
I am 25 years old with a stable job and stable home.
You are 47 with nothing to your name except some **** and a broke down apartment you get free from the government.
I am 25 with my **** together- paying my own bills- working for a living.
You are 47 taking pain pills as if your life depended on them.

I hear a lot of people telling me to forgive you, but I am just now coming to terms with how messed up I am.
I hear people telling me " that's your mom" but I am just now realizing the extent of my mental problem you have left me with.

All I have to say is thank the world for my father and stepmom and grandmother-- the only family I ever needed no thanks to you.

We find ourselves always stuck in the between- the middle of a breakdown, the middle of a fight, the middle of a decision.
In the grey's instead of the blacks and whites of life.
In the undeveloped part of the film; the damaged part of the film.

Have you ever sat in the middle of your living room with a bottle of wine  and the windows slightly open in the middle of winter thinking about life?
I have.
Have you ever sat in the middle of the street in the middle of the night and wished silently to yourself this would all end if one car just turned that corner?
I have.

There's that word again... "Middle"
Which is such an ugly word the more I sit here and type it.
I want to be at the beginning of something.
I would even settle for the end of something just so I could restart again.

I have a hard time focusing on the present, which is also the middle of your life.
I'm always stuck in the past or wishing for the future...
Then again... I am the damaged part of the film.

I am the negatives that will not get developed for another couple years.

There was a moment in between the fighting and the screaming when I remembered what passion we both held.
Stuck there silently breathing and staring at the wall wanting to cry and laugh at how this blew up so quickly.

There was a moment between the wanting to pack my **** and move away and you begging me to stay I remembered why I loved you.
Stuck there silently thinking if I could just get the words out maybe you'd let me go.. maybe you'd want me to stay more.

I was tired of feeling broken every other day while you continued to grow without me.
I was tired of the silence I left on my tongue when you told me I was utterly useless in this relationship.

So there was a moment there between the looks of sadness and pain where I saw a glimpse of what we used to hold before the regret and contempt.
Stuck there silently watching you run your hands through your hair.
Stuck there silently feeling tears fall down my face as I grabbed my bag and headed out the door.