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f Nov 17
“i live to let you”
my spirit has been broken by the loss of grains
and i feel like the world has become more grey
i have so many regrets for this lifetime
but i really regret every fight with grains
i’d take them all back, every one
i regret my ****** actions when i was younger
and i can’t lie, i regret things i've done since i’m older
i often feel as if i’m not a good person
but i’ve come to realize that i am a good person
just so broken
and it is is my responsibility to heal, because i have power over those around me
i just hardly see the point of preserving my own life
i’ve attempted suicide, and have never stopped self harm
i hope when i’m gone people remember me for the good things
the laughs we shared, and the intelligent conversations
and i hope people remember i love them
despite all my ****
i’ve realized i never let go of love
“love never dies”
and i’ve accepted i will always love you
i never forget you
one day everything will make sense
and things will suddenly become not a coincidence, but fate
lessons that have become invaluable to who we are
i hope to preserve the memories that light up my heart and mind
even when everything has truthfully become so dark
it’s still true i self harm and love pain, or don’t feel it
it’s still true i don’t value my life and am not afraid to **** myself
it’s still true i am a dandelion tuft-a delicate cancer
but i choose to accept what has happened, what i have done, and forgive myself for regrets
and to never forget love
if this existence ends for me, please know i love you and i’m sorry for everything
11-17-2023
Kai Sep 10
Keep everyone out, dig in and be quiet.  Don't bother anyone, do what everyone wants.  That's how you grow, that's how you learn.  This way you are safe and remain unharmed.  Don't show anyone your weakness, your fear, your sadness.  This way no one can touch you, no one will see it.  But somewhere there is someone who cares about you so much, who recognizes everything and experiences it with you.  At a distance, in silence, with tears and pain.  But who wants nothing more than to be with you.  To share in uncertainty, fear and sadness.  You are also having a hard time, and I am the one who sees it...
ky Jul 29
You pretended you meant none of what you told me,
so I pretended that every word you ever said to me was a lie.

Every compliment.
Every "I love you."
Every promise.

Beneath the surface,
I know that you meant all of it
and more.

I just pretend it was all fake
because you told her
she was real.
My mother always ends a phone conversation with ‘I love you.’

And she says that it is because you never know
When someone will be taken from you,
and I think that is true.

But her “I love you’s” have different levels;
One said in exasperation to my brothers
when they’re being particularly much

One said quietly to my sisters
as they drift slowly into their dreamscapes
and as she’s closing their door

One said matter-of-factly to me
when I am having a conversation with her.

It always takes me by surprise, and I know that it shouldn’t, but it does because the last level of her “I love you” is reserved for my father.

It is said, almost as an afterthought at the end of their phone conversations, said with frustration and almost resigned to her lot in life.

“— love you.”

The spot for the “I” is a glaring void of things left unsaid

It has given me a new greatest fear that I will grow so complacent in my relationship, in my life, that I too will end phone conversations with “—love you.”
The “I” in “I love you” is important
ky Jul 19
You never loved me;
you loved the idea of me.

The idea of having me as yours,
as someone pretty to say "I love you,"
as someone who was always there
to talk to, to complain to.
Someone to think of.

But now that you have her,
you don't need me.
You never needed me.
You needed someone, anyone,
but I wasn't going to let that someone be me.

You never loved me;
you loved the idea of me.

And now you love her.
(the idea of her)
I whisper
“I love you,”
as you fade away,
your last breaths
soon to come.
a few days pass
and there you go,
away to live with the moon.
I wish I could say “I love you” again,
please say i’ll see you soon.
leolewin Sep 2022
Life's now fleeting moments with you
Flow through my mind like a whirl pool.

The minutes we think last forever, on a cycle which will never cease to exist, drastically come to a stop with no announcement.

The silence of your voice is infinite, bringing uncontrollable tears to my eyes. What I would do to say goodbye. One last hug, one last laugh, one last season in the garden, one last cheers of our glass. What I would do to make those moments last a life time.

To My Nonna, my Nonno -  Ti voglio bene asi... asi...asi

The knowledge, wisdom, kindness and love you have given me will live on forever through me. Thank you for everything, this is only goodbye for now. Until next time.

I love you.
For my Nonna & Nonno
Descovia Aug 2022
As I lay here thinking of you
All my thoughts grey and blue
I wish I could see you, I wish I could.
Then maybe my life could be understood
But still I'm down thinking of you



Eye for an eye
Heart for a heart.
Tooth for a tooth
Wondering in consistent circles
I am running and ripping myself apart.
I only want to be part of thoughts
That gave me peace to
live for my truths.
It's all in living color.
Yet, I feel grey and only see blue.
I have a reason to hold my head up
Although I am down in my
feelings, thinking of how much
I am missing you.


Cassandra & Descovia
08/03/2022
Never stop pushing for your own happiness.
At the end of every day along with your goals
Nobody else, will root for you without issue
unless it's your own child, sibling or that person is legit.
Honor your aspirations and keep living.
The world needs your story.
dylan Jun 2022
Life without you
is way too much
The thing I need
is your touch
The pain  inside
is way too real
And I just don’t know
how to deal
Now look at how you made me feel…

the crushing weight out here alone
All I want is to call your phone..
But you’re not there…
You don’t even care!!!

this hurt inside Is breaking me,
My heart in Pieces,
like debris…
Why cant you just come back to me?
I wrote this just now, this is exactly how i feel right now, this is what you did to me, this is what you left me with. i want to hate you for doing this to me but i can't
i hate that i love you so much
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