I can handle the impossible- the scary, the dark, and the loneliness that makes you feel consumed in every room.
I can handle the feeling of never being good enough, the never understanding everything, and the anxiety.
I cannot handle the unknown- the do you still love me? the do you still think about me? the questions that never have answers no matter how much you want them.
I've been swimming up the current and swallowing all the water that threatens to drown me.
I have been running uphill screaming at the top of my lungs, gasping for that breath that will calm my heart down a little bit.
I have been trying so fucking hard and you are still hiding in the corners of my brain that shouldn't have corners.
I can handle the impossible and the anxiety... but I need to know if you love me still.
Hundred times in life,
I swallowed my pride,
Just forsake rid this strife,
and I won’t take any bite.
We not the same,
Pointing finger & making excuses,
While me – hold the trigger & abandon abuses,
I awakened as a lone wolf,
rely on self acceptance & master the movement,
too far from things to get involve,
less talk & do more self improvement.
I’m tired of these lonesome nights
spent cock in fist and staring at the ceiling.
Exist in thought and again through
it’s been years since I lived through action.
Desiccated white heels in the dust of Savannakhet.
Finding love in the half-dark Bangkok hotel room.
The bar-maid in Malaga, hash from Morocco,
all those nights spent lusting for blood amongst the wine.
Now getting high means finding an anchor
to hold me down when gravity does not feel enough.
When all forces of G-d and Nature combined
Cannot rattle hard enough to force me to speak
in any half-filled room.
Sometimes I’m certain the noise in my chest
can be heard aloud
and everyone knows I am nothing.
I wonder why in all my dreams
Beauty follows in my footsteps.
I wonder why in all my dreams
I’m running away from something.
As I drive home winter still falling and still heavy all around me.
I'm calm, collected, and happy.
I know there will be silence after I've greeted my whining dog so happy I made it home.
I'll watch a movie same as always.
Not boring at all.
I'll prepare a meal and eat happily alone.
A hot bath will come next.
Lined with candles and bubbles that last.
The smell of lavender will fill my nose and my eyes will soon close.
I'll indulge in the hot steaming water letting all my worries fade away.
Because after a long day whose to say being alone wasen't just what you needed.
Being single in your 20s?
Yea you can just kinda do your own thing
Love a little less, have a spring fling
You're only in your 20s
Not yet does your heart need to sing
I want love that defies all
Love that both only likes the other
For only one, do I fall
I want love that's existent
Throught years that stays persistent
To stay together is my lasting wish
To keep a bond that is strong
That can only build,
But never lessen
I don't want us to even think about
being without eachother
Or being with others
Not even if it's just sex
That would be a mess
I want you for my own
Maybe that's selfish
I want the one who I want to be with forever
With a shared bond that never, not even
for a moment can ever sever
There was a time where I relished his drunk touch.
The feeling on the dance floor,
Of his lips on mine,
His hands on my waist.
I felt power from his touch.
It affirmed what I wanted to feel-
I wanted to feel beautiful,
I believed for a while that his drunk attention proved these things to be true.
Now I know differently.
Now that our drunk love has burned out,
I understand I am the only one who can make these things true.
I will no longer find power in drunk love.
I will find power in myself.
I'm 18 years old,
and you've been out of my life for 17 years and 42 weeks of it.
You missed out on your little girl learning, and growing, and turning into a woman.
Someone else taught me how to ride a bike,
but I don't think that you mind missing something so important.
I don't think you mind missing recitals, and concerts and shows.
I don't think you'd even recognize me if you saw me on the street.
You don't deserve the title dad,
so for as long as I can remember, I've called you sperm donor.
Because that's all you ever given me (except for daddy issues and hereditary mental illness).
You don't deserve the title dad because you never taught me how I was supposed to be treated;
so I settled for too little, and longed to be loved.
But now, I don't even call you sperm donor,
I neglect to recognize your existance in my life,
because let's face it, you were never even a possibility.
I feel bad after all these years,
because you missed out on the joy of having a daughter,
and being a father.
Yes, I may be single
I may not be talking
I may not like anyone
But in all honesty,
Girls and boys like me,
We give the best relationship advice
Why? You may ask,
Because it's what we wish we could've done in previous relationships