After being in a long term relationship
And always having that security
The knowing that someone loves you
Knowing that no matter what you’re beautiful
That your breath in the morning will still make them smile
That your eyes filled with tears won’t make you any less pretty
Is one of the many things I forgot about that you don’t get when single
Theres many things I forgot but that one hit me like a ton of bricks
I forgot what it felt like to fully never know if someone likes you
That the guy who holds you in his hands
And pulls you closer when a guy walks by
May just be doing this because you’re the easy one
He knows what to say when you want to hear it
And that just makes me wonder so much more
Because for so long I never had to worry about my body
I knew I was big, but I knew I was beautiful
Now, I’m in the wilderness again and I forgot that bears just want to eat
That when he kisses down my body
And slides his hands across my stomach
He may just be doing this because he knows that I will
Its hard never knowing if they have the same feelings
Because no matter how many times he can say it light heartily
It’ll never feel like he actually means it
I am wrapped up in my head again, now that I have lost my security
She was shit at her job but at least I knew I had a body guard
And now the awkward stage of this relationship is just fucking with my head
Do you like me or not? And be honest? Brutally.
I use to worry, sitting at home lying on the couch wondering just how long I could go before drifting off into some psychedelic slumber. Wondering how long it would take for you to find your way home from a bed two towns away. I use to think of all the ways I could maybe, for a while, get you to stay. That I could try and make you remember the cold January nights when sleet covered Philadelphia's streets and icicles hung from windows, yet we stayed outside, because for the oddest of reasons we were happy out there.
I use to stay up late, sitting on the kitchen floor against the fridge, staring up at the yellow fluorescent light above the sink watching fruit flies dance to some unknown rhythm. Shoulders drooping, arms laid haphazardly at my side like fresh snow shoveled from a driveway. I guess I found some comfort gathering from the tired warmth that blew from the fridge vent, some stale form of heat, that if I closed my eyes and dreamed seemed almost like passion. Almost like acceptance, almost peace, almost satisfaction, almost like you weren't gone.
I use to be so cautious. Cover my shoulders, keep to yourself, don't let them stare as you cross the street. Just come home, just come home where you belong, you were there. At least you use to be. Then sometime under the dehydrated September sky I settled at the front step. I let myself stay free for a few more moments, and it grew. Everyday I would stay outside the front door a little longer - as I began to not flinch at every creak coming down the street because I knew it couldn't have been you. You were in some other city, down on some other street, in another house, with some other fool that let you be their everything.
The simplest things are the first to change.
You eased out of my life like the slack of a power line, coasting away a little every day till I could only see you as a horizon, and then beyond. No sooner had every piece of you eased out of my house, life drifted back in. I sat on that couch and little by little every day, yellow dripped from the ceiling. The smell of lilac flowering from the walls, and for the first time in a while, an empty apartment felt filled. Occupied. Present.
Walking down cold empty streets
I’ve seen lovers walk side to side
as I stood alone on a sidewalk
not knowing how it would feel
to hold on to someone as I cry
As I lay down on empty sheets
I fear that I will never hear
another heart beat with mine
For I’ve never known love
but i’ve heard its as old as time
I wait for years and years to feel
and I do; but the amount of love I held
never meant anything to you.
So I go on with my life
mind muddled with thoughts still unknown
for somewhere deep down in my soul I knew that
some hearts are meant to be alone.
All you single ladies only need to know one thing when it comes to advice
It won't be like the Three Blind Mice
You must be kind and gentle
While stern and strong
You'll have men wanting to be your husband
And you'll have a hard time choosing, they'll be so many
Make sure you pick the one that best fits you
We don't need any more unsatisfied married women in the house anymore
We need some happily married women up in this joint
That's what I like to see
What I would like to be
Is her husband
Come home from the all the nonsense to see that beautiful smile?
Every single time
I won't let her do all the work at home
Time for me to do my part here, too
Sure, I'd love to watch the New York Giants game or play the newest Steam game over laundry and mowing
But I'll be dammed if I let her do all of it when she's tired enough already
These things I think of when we're going steady
If you ask me if I'm willing, I was already ready
To be yours forever more
They'll ask me "Who do you work for?"
And I'll gladly say
The brain is splayed open for the hands to create,
But their crippling limits can never grant what was asked.
So the brain beats upon the hands night and day,
And the hands beat the brain to put it to rest.
The brain screams in agony of opportunities lost,
Of all the wishes that will never be seen.
The body has grown weary of failed attempts,
And weeps at the impending death of dreams.
One wants to die and the other to live,
But these wishes are corrosive when they touch.
One seeks to drown while the other, to fly,
One states, "Let's live!" while the other, knowingly, "Time to die."
And the more they confront each other,
The more each is driven insane,
Until reality is no longer known,
Rather, only driving pain.
So nights are cut too short and complacent days far too long.
Until one day they see they are victims,
Of the cruel, sadistic and abusive beating,
The heart will forever give them.
Honey I hope you haven't forgotten that you are a diamond handcrafted with the utmost precision and care; there is no flaw in you. Your beauty is so pure and so natural and cannot be easily replicated. That being said, you are not for everyone. Not everyone will be able to admire the way your messy hair cascades down your back in little half curls or the flecks of sunlight hidden within your eyes. Not everyone will be able to appreciate the way your pants hug your hips or the way your toothy grin and infectious laughter brighten up the entire room. Not everyone will be able to cherish you like the diamond you are, but that's okay, because you my dear, were not made for just anyone. You are destined for adoration, and until then, love yourself. Sweetheart, I hope you haven't forgotten how.
Waking up knowing that the bed is empty,
Serving one meal,
Showering with only the thoughts in my head,
Going to work without a goodbye kiss,
Coming home to see nothing has changed,
Cooking the same food,
Going to sleep and hugging my favorite pillow.
Rinse and repeat.