Do you remember whenever
Your parents would tell you to act
Your age?

Little does mom and dad know that
Acting your age is going
Out late on a Friday night drinking and smoking while
Your best friend molests Lucy the
Lead cheerleader.

Because acting your age would be going
Outside and flipping everyone off
And having your mother ask you
Why you would
Do that?
You told me to act my age, because
The only way to defend yourself is through
An attitude.

That attitude will be the reason for your failing
Grades because of that one
Assignment that was worth half
Your grade that you did not feel like doing.
Seriously?

To act your age you are
To run up to your best friend in the hallway
And try to high five them but only to find
That they are frowning.

When asking them why they are
Frowning they simply
Push you away because
You would not know THAT
Their parents are going through a divorce,
THAT they got Lucy the lead
Cheerleader pregnant, THAT
They are being bullied everyday in study hall,
THAT their grades are failing, THAT they are
Stressed.

They are your best friend, you
Can relate on music or favorite colors but
You cannot relate on stress.

When they tell you to act your age, acting your age
Would be taking your daddy’s
Gun out to the park where your
Best friends bullies are
And pointing it at them getting ready to shoot.

Your a teenager you CAN handle the consequences,
But because of those consequences is the
Reason you shot your best friend in the
Eye and have taken
A trip down to the local police
Station.

And that trip to the police station is
The reason your parents hang their head in shame
When you walk through the door
Because you were not the success they wanted
You to be.

So instead of telling you to act your age
They tell you to
Grow up.

As time matured and your about to say
The same words to your
Own child, remember
What happened when you were told to
Act Your Age.

I miss you

I miss your wide eyes that glistened in the sunlight

Those eyes could see such beauty within life

Even something grey could become something neon

Those eyes could visualize entire worlds out of objects in a shopping basket

Plain paper was a portal into another dimension or had invisible ink that only you could see written upon it

I miss how words would spill off your tongue whereas now you go to speak

And half the time you choke on sentences because there is too much anxiety in verbalizing your beliefs

You used to never hold back, you would tell others what you think

And when beaten down you’d use that pain to create and find ways to escape

You could get yourself into danger but always found safety because you were safe within yourself

You used to laugh, you used to scream

You used to cry, you used to show the world your feelings with your face up to the sky

Telling the world you weren’t afraid because you knew keeping things inside would eat you up alive but then they told you to be quiet and as you aged you became so silent

I miss how you were your own best friend and didn’t need anyone by your side and though you felt so lonely at night

You would wake up the next day, walk out into the daylight glowing because nothing would ever stop you,

Not even the slamming of doors or the fists in the walls because you had done wrong

You were so fearful but you’d never run crying,

You’d walk away slowly showing people that you didn’t run when scared because you had courage flowing through your veins

So many things tried to break you

But then slowly over time, your bones started to crack under the weight of everything and the spark inside of you began to dim-

The worlds filled with faeries became plagued with demons

And finding safety within yourself was impossible

You lost all you were good at

There was no more laughter

No more screaming

No more crying

And your face could no longer bear to look up at the sky because it felt like you’d been feeding yourself lies and the idea of trying to survive felt so pointless

The loneliness, the slamming of doors and fists hitting walls became lists of reasons you no longer wanted to be alive

The fear grew so intense that you locked yourself into your room believing that you weren’t deserving of life

You locked up those emotions because you were terrified to tell the world how you were truly feeling behind your false smiles,

The world kept reminding you how unwanted you were so why would it care that you prayed for death every night on your bedroom floor

I miss you

I miss how happy you were and how you would run across the grass arms spread out singing out into the silence

Or singing whilst walking through the streets because you had songs blossoming in your heart and didn’t give a fuck that you couldn’t really sing

You kept writing those songs but they remained hidden because you didn’t think your songs worthy enough to fill any silence, everything you did felt so ugly and unnecessary

I miss you

And I am sorry for losing you so quickly and never bothering to find you

And for all the other loses yet to come

For all the hardships that you still have to go through-

You’re somewhere though, I can still feel you inside

And I think it is you that is the reason this butchered heart is still beating.

How do you see yourself from my eyes
my tall, dark and handsome lover
my strength when I am weak
the light that pulls me out of a sunken place
wouldn't it be beautiful if that was all there was

But you don't see the veins under your eyes
thirsty to unleash a rogue when teased
a rogue that demands the admiration it does not give
protecting its baby, your ego, with aggressive commands
showing no mercy for all in its way until fed and satisfied

I tease to ease the grim aura
so what happens when I am all thats in the way 
stuck with the responsibility to nurture and feed the rogue
showering it with forceful respect and unwarranted apologies
a dynamic you validate and see no fault with

my history gives you confidence and insolence
to believe that I can handle a shove from a lover
because I have handled several fists from my brother
forgiving my trespasses and outbursts
to accommodate your impatient temper

An unstable pain stuck with with your thirsty ego
reminding myself that I deserve empathy and understanding
you are my tall dark handsome lover
but I have run out of the strength to nurture your baby 
so I have to find the strength to walk away