I wish I was simple
easy going and easy to love
I wish I could be sweet when your mad
and know just the right things to say to end a fight
mellow tempered and cool
I never want to fight with you
I am in my own way

I'm the opposite of what I wish  
instead of the sweet summer breeze I am the torrential wind during a storm
and I can't just be a drizzle
I'm a downpour
I am all or nothing
I don't know how to be anything else
I've spent years trying to figure out how to be something I am not
I've tried crawling out of my skin
and forming a new face
being me is my biggest downfall

I am everywhere, the shadow remains of the girl I was supposed to be.
This amazing girl, full of life and oh so sweet. She whispers to me sometimes in my sleep.
I wish I could see her again, hear the silent voice before it cracks like a tweak underneath your shoe.
In the park without trees, I remain still. I made my bed, crushed underneath my anxieties.
The hope that washes away from me little by little, the sparkle in my eyes replaced by a deep understanding of nothingness. A hollow shadow that can only see.
I am nowhere not now here.
I once lived, really lived once.
But once is not here now and once is not me.
I am the shadow of something that was supposed to be me.

For all that's ever gone wrong
For all the times my life was a mess
I swear I forget how much I'm blessed
It's amazing that I'm still here breathing,
My kid knows my face and follows my name
I have a wife who loves me and a place of my own
I don't question the place I call home
And I'm reminded daily I'm never alone
This life is a struggle and I do gamble with death
And even if the weather chills my bones
I can still see my breath
So that must count for something.
Nothing can mean nothing, right?

I have a couple friends that I rarely talk to at all
Society tries to tell you there's no problem money can't solve
I watch parents dope kids with pills for being kids
The same ones who grow and don't know how to live
We like to blame problems on all but ourselves
But when we run out of blame who does that help?
Life is a game and those are the cards you're dealt
Go big or go home but leave the porch light on
Because you may return like an old song

You think I've never been broke,
Think I've been over my head unable to cope?
You aren't unique in your struggle
But no one is talking so you sit puzzled
Like everyone has all the pieces, you're stuck with no thesis
What would happen if we really took off fake faces
And stopped taking blue pills, stuck in a matrix
Most hands aren't royal flushes and aces
You sit steady bluffing with a confident stare
While no one around even has a pair.
"How are you?" They ask, you open your mouth,
Take a deep breath and ready to unwind,
Try to speak then smile and say "I'm fine"

i am loud
yes, i am very loud
i have been told by many people
to shut up
to stop talking
to quit being so. damn. loud.
it's who i am
i've always been loud.
maybe it's because i was the youngest child
and it was difficult for my voice to be heard if i didn't raise it,
or maybe because in a group of friends
my story was never listened to,
instead it was talked over
so maybe i'm loud
but i'd rather be loud
than never be heard

I grew up between bookends
with the holy word held between
one fell off the shelf with no amends
now the shelf is filled with words unseen

So I read of other options
now I question the thread
of these fairy tale adoptions
which have been so deeply embedded

Christian school, weekly church, prayers before bed
my childhood filled with these epic tales
of a guy who died and then rose from the dead
and if you don't believe, well, see you in hell

They are good stories, some even great
but that's all they really are
to live by them is to live a life castrate
burning bush and a man inside a whale, a little bizarre

I am not mad I grew up this way,
but now I live a life of questioning
of what's beyond the pearly gates
without all of the one sided lecturing

A grave is raised before its time
To testify a cold farewell

Who saw her last teardrop fall
Its slow decent
To the desert sand
As the final nail is set

Who knew of her minds defeat
The battle lost
Her last hope shattered
By the hammer's final fall

Who heard her voice fade
On a silent scream
The endless empty sigh
Of her last and final breath

Who felt her heartbeat stop
Like a drowning drum
The slow pitter-patter
A final two-step march

Who stood witness that last long night?
Who stood by and watched her die?

If I could,
I would!
But, I can't,
So, I won't.

At the end of the road
We shake hands with Life
A pat on the shoulder
A smile
"Good fight"
And trudge onwards
Together.

You have turned your back on everyone.
Especially me,
But I can never turn my back on you.
Why?
Because I’m your friend.

You have closed your heart
And now it is as cold as ice.
But my heart is still warm for you.
Why?
Because I’m your friend.

You act coldly
When you were once kind,
But I can tell you are hurting inside.
How?
Because I’m your friend.

After what you did
Others now think you’re evil.
But not me
Why?
Because I’m your friend.

I know you can still be saved.
Others have given up on you,
But I can never give up on you.
Why?
Because I’m your friend.

You can try to deny it
You can even try to kill me
But I’ll shoulder your hatred
Why?
Because I’m your friend.  

You’re trapped deep in the darkness
But I’ll do anything to pull you out
and bring you back to the light
Why?
Because I’m your friend.

I will reach out my hand until you take it
For if our roles were reversed
you would do the same
Why?
Because you’re my friend.