milk jade spiders
stowaways   from our past home
a pout of breeding pouch
appears
our new home   is similarly blessed

Embrace the future's call
treasure the present's glow
and transcend the bygone flow.

My good friend taught me that all you need is three suitcases.
A life can fit into three: two checked bags and a carryon.

What if I packed up all my possessions:
1.
My clothes.
My apprehension, doubts and fears tucked tightly away in packing cubes.
2.
My electronics.
My independence, self reliance and self love radiating brightly.
3.
My books.
My excitement, joy and optimism for a new chapter.

What if I did not renew my lease in September?
Whose approval am I waiting for?
Who do I think I will disappoint?

It does not have to be permanent.
It could be just a year.
And then it could change again.
Is that not the beauty of life?
Your life grows around the decisions you make.

You are never stuck.
You can decide.
Again.
Again.
Again.

You were my entire night sky
Now I drive home in the dark without looking up

The songs that reminded me of you still play on the radio
But I don't think of that summer in the city when I hear them anymore

I fell in love again
And I want to tell you I hate it because it's not the same
It never could be

Seasons change and so did we
I'm better now in some ways but without you feels worse

And I wonder if you feel the same

Ashes we may fall,
Into our sorrows puddle,
Shall we rise anew.

The water, calm or rowdy, comes in, slowly.
Swarming tides soon become too much,
Drowning me-
And I remain motionless,
As I fear nothing or, am paralyzed by fear,
No, the real movement comes when I am lost.
As I try to find my way time and time again.
Begging for the waters to return,
For true motion to return,
And for my tears to freely flow into the water once more.

I’m just twirling in the center of my room.
I’ve got way too much to do.
Has that ever happened to you?

I’m assailed, derailed and impaled by indecision.
I can’t find my lucky pencil and I have a final in 90 minutes
I have lab results to qualify and a term paper to finish.
I have two problem-sets due and I must arrange movers.
Despite my burn-out, I should start packing for move-out.
In order to get our reservations and tickets in hand,
we’ve got to finalize our summer plans.
On my theoretical schedule - I’m behind -
oh, and there’s a mountain of laundry to climb.

In finals week everything is ratcheted up.
and there’s the weighty and unavoidable demands of sleep.
I’m just a girl about to pass out in her room, over-caffeineed,
from chugging a large, iced coffee after 3 hours of sleep.
I’ve read that stress can affect valuations.
I think it’s true.
I twirl.
.
.

Down In the Seine by The Style Council
I Want You Back by Trijntje Oosterhuis
Make a Rainbow by Benny Sings
Let Her Go Into The Darkness by Johnathan Richman

My keyboard remembers your name better than I remember the pain
I lie awake at night fearing no one will ever know my veins
There’s still a part of me that’s disappointed you never changed
And I keep telling myself, in another life..?
Maybe that time, I’ll come out with the right skin type
But this was it, there is no another universe
No matter how much I try to kid myself
This is all we had, all I could give you
And it wasn’t enough
I didn’t want to beg, but I did
I know you felt it, I came to my knees,
Longing, aching
Please, please, love my ***** skin.

Once dubbed 'number two,' a label, a haunting echo, a constant reminder,
From a third year’s Scrabble match that left me second best, the genesis of a nickname I hated.

The bitter taste of second place, a memory stark,
A reminder of striving, of yearning, yet falling short.
Averse to the shadow of 'not quite,' 'almost there, but...'

It's funny how being second haunted me,
Always striving to escape my past and secrets.
I've hidden the truth about my family,
A split that's more than what the world knows, I’ve always been ‘the secret child’
A narrative whispered, diluted, for ears unacquainted.
Universe never seize to mock me with it.

Contemplating the roads I could have paved better,
Guarding what was precious, fortifying with fervor,
I’m here , pondering the 'what ifs' and 'maybes,'
A lament for the present, with heavy eyes and teary-eyes. Regrets linger for not trying harder.

Three years invested, hopes were shattered,
I don't blame you for trying to rebuild, giving it another try.
Instead, I blame fate, the ‘Universe’ A relentless orchestrator, marking me perennially 'two,'
Even when love briefly eased the burden.

Now, in the quiet of night, in sorrow's embrace I write,
Words once sweet now tinged with pain,.
I've been through a rollercoaster of emotions,

For days now, you’ve witnessed my descent and ascent, I blamed you, I tried being strong, became a wreck, got drunk to prove a point, isolated , sought validation from internet, found myself overwhelmed by the attention and tried to convince everyone ‘I’m fine’,  I felt numb.
Right now I’m just a shattered soul seeking solace in poetry’s embrace.
Every emotion, a verse, every thought, a line inscribed, writing seems to be my only solace.

To the boy I loved and wanted to give it all to, I’m thinking of you and I just want you to always be happy, being second doesn’t mean I can’t still be your number one cheerleader.
We always thought alike and wanted the same things; I do not wish to hate you as you don’t want it too.
I want to keep you as much as you want to do with me ,
Let's move past this, erase the awkwardness,
Let not animosity tarnish what affection once graced,
I hope we can salvage our friendship soon.