Helena 2d

"Ok but can someone love me like this please."
An instagram post.
A post about the kind of love everyone hopes to have someone feel towards them.
A post that talks about how when you meet her you'll want her all to  yourself
how you love her laugh
how she'll always tell you how she is feeling even though she likes to deal with things on her own
she'll make you smile when she walks in a room.
That's bullshit
I loved you in a different way
A way that was too deep to ever write on instagram
A way where the beat of my heart pounded hard enough
To make me feel like it was going to break through my skin Whenever you got close enough to me for me to reach out and put My fingers on your face
My heart became my body
Pumping through every part of me
I loved you so much that I would think about your lips as i kissed my (ex) girlfriends
I loved you so much I drank until I was passed out on the sidewalk in my own piss and vomit
Because  I couldn't accept the fact I will never feel you next to me
I loved you so much I ignored everyone else when they told me you would never be mine
I put my love for you ahead of the truth
I smiled when you told me you fucked someone
Because even though my heart felt like it broke more and more every time i took a breath
I wanted you to be happy and if he made you happy
I'll take the pain
I loved you so much
That I wrote your name over and over on a piece of paper until you couldnt even decipher the word I had written because it filled the entire page and more
I loved you so much that even though I still wanted to die
I regretted trying to kill myself because it meant I had to be in a mental hospital and I couldn't talk to you
I loved you so much that I would stay up a little later after you fell asleep to hear you breathing over the phone
Just so i could smile even while knowing I will never hear that same breathe next to me in bed
I loved you so much.
My love for you was not put in an instagram post
Because it was not beautiful
It was real

I loved you damn it

if you start at the bottom
you won’t rip it all out
if you work your way up
if you give yourself time
now just work through the middle
you will get to the top
you just have to wait
cus you don’t want dreadlocks

just work your way up
from the bottom to the top
then the comb will slide though
and the shampoo is out
and in dark you see light
and thought you were right

but the conditioner goes in
just at the very tips
and you know that he’ll care
when he feels just how soft
but you knew he was there
you forgot, you were scared

let water run down
let it wash itself out
when the stuff is all gone
you can open your eyes
you can see all too bright
but just focus on the tiles
as you sit on clean ground

now all you hear is the water
and song in your mouth
and you know that he’ll care
when you've washed it all out
you just had to come clean
you just can’t be so mean
and you don’t have to rush

no you don’t need to run
just to write it all down
it was there all along
if you keep it in mind
you won’t ever be scared
it's there all along
yeah it's always right there
you don’t have to prove points
and you don’t have to right wrongs
cus truth's there all along

and you don’t need the light
and you don’t need the dark
if you never be scared
you can turn it all off
you can see through it all
you can watch your own thought

i'll always still care
i'll always be there
now i’ll turn off the light
and i'll sleep well tonight

Jedda 3d

And I'm so fucking worried that not only will I lose everyone I have ever made some sort of connection with but I will also lose myself

I guess this is goodbye

How bad
can it be here
in your arms,
both of us
as a lover.
go on after
her. We both
know somewhere
this isnt forever.
But right now
these moments
are all we have

Hoarders houses
Filled to brim
overgrown fig tree's
fallen chestnuts
heat no longer rising from the asphalt
faded American Flags
TV's blaring

The pink clouds of
warm blooming roses

the musky air of
freshly put out forest fires
stale aftertaste of bitter coffee

is this your home?
Do you reside here?
How can you breathe with all of this smog filling your lungs?
Do your legs ache for a new path?

Neighborhood cats
curiously follow you
making no sudden movements
on the verge of making it

I'm leaving Portland in a month.

in order for me to pick the roses and give them to you, I first have to grow them. it starts with planting seeds. I forget that a lot which only leads to feeling guilty that your hands are empty, that I don’t have something to give, but I know that one day I will. sometimes I find it difficult to find the time, energy or even simply the motivation to water the soil that’s clogging up my already cramped bedroom, but again, without these steps, they can’t ever grow and neither can I.

I want you to know that I sleep on my back now. in fact, I can only sleep on my back, but not in a I-never-really-sleep-very-comfortable type of way, more that I doze off peacefully, with my fan on full blast and my face pointed towards the sky. I am moving as freely as a flightless bird these days because I have two working legs, and I’m only here to let you know that my mind is still moving a million miles an hour. the world looks a little different when my eyes are dry, in the same way that some of you look much less appealing when my conscience is clear. I pack a bag and drive to another city sometimes when I’m having a bad day, and it reminds me of how stationary I am- but only for now. it’s a good thing because this world is really, really big.

I’m so happy I don’t have to take care of you anymore.

someone 5d

Maybe it's the way we act
Or the way we all want things to be in tact
And not one single thought escaping
The realms of our own being.

So what if one time,
We act very differently than before
Are we not considered normal?
Like anyone from this fort?

Let's say one thought broke through
The chain of memories you've tried to stay but didn't pull through
And that thought was seen by all of your friends
What would you feel then?

Let's say it's about our talking
The way we express every meaning
Now, is it really hard to tell
If I'm telling the truth or lying that you've all fell?

Kaels 6d

the tree of life
the seed of spice
of where we hung
the birds then sung
beneath our legs
the water begs
come dive in
all tinged with sin
so i took a chance
got water all on my pants
but whom i sat with
went a little bat shit
and was not my friend
until the very end
he was the safe road
an unwilling toad
so i cut the ties
and went on with my life
i tried new things
met new people
and found myself
away from the chains
of a terrible
and now
i am






without him

sometimes i get scared that my dad isn’t real
he’s just a thing
and its all just a sharad

then i remember once i was a baby and he and my mum cared for me and clothed me

and loved me

and taught me how to live in a world that encourages the thought that nothing is real

once i was a baby and they saved me

till i learnt words like hate and deceit they never showed me

i have nightmares and the faces look like theirs, i get scared, i think my parents want me dead

then i remember when I’m hurting they cry harder inside every time i panic hit my head pain spreads to them

cus once i was their baby and they made me and they taught me how to walk

they never pushed me i just crawled

but i then ran

and ran away away away from home to the people they don’t know who taught me they were crazy for keeping me at home at night, safe from strangers cus when i grew from baby, maybe i was bored, i wanted danger i was crazy

now sometimes i get scared that they don’t love me and sometimes i get scared now they can’t hug me anymore for i fear touch is sexual

but then i remember

and it breaks my heart and i know it hurts theirs, i can’t let my mum caress me anymore or stand too close too my dad

i used to sit on his lap

and now I’m just mad

cus when i was just a kid i was crazy and i let a boy play with me.

I’m sad
i want to hug my dad


feel like just a little pawn

and thats just the story i kept telling

cus sometimes i remember i stopped hugging them probably before december and the incident was in february

maybe even summer
addicted to orgasm before period had started

little pawn

but cus i’d seen it on a screen and it looked mean, that’s when i first retreated my love from care, not boys fault but mans, adults, scams, gang bangs

(+police vans)

switch programmes
The Willow Sep 7

I am waiting for the future
To lean down
Whisper softly into my neck
Whether or not I should keep
holding my breath to see
If your random texts will ever have
more substance
Than air

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