and over the months,
i have learned
that loving you is like chasing the sun
i hold the thorn bed of your heart
into my own chest
as if it would make me any stronger
loving you is like getting ice cream after it's all melted
like wearing brand new shoes just for the rain to come
like dancing just as the song ends
i will never understand your empty-headed anger
or why i will always be the target of your words
but please understand,
that all i want for you is the best
but the best for you might not be with me
when you're happy
you don't smile, you glow
serenity and innocence radiate from you like light from the sun
sometimes i find it difficult to imagine
that someone so blissfully ignorant turns into a monster
with a few ill-advised words.
and when i breathe in the sweet afternoon smell of spring,
i think about warm hugs and lullabies
flowers filling my lungs
and the revival of life after a long winter
i think about picnics
and all of the things i never brought because you didn't like them
no amount of joy comes without the sadness
do not say you love me if you fear commitment
i imagine, that this way, it would hurt less for the both of us.
for christoPHER, when i used to give a shit
written 1 march, 2018
published 18 september, 2018