12 hours in to my day I wake.
Mind still buzzing from the latest instalment
in a long series of dreams you feature in,
this one involving you pushing me up against a wall
and making out,
in a house that I knew was yours but looked different.
Flipped and rearranged.
I could feel the weight of your body on mine,
and even now I can still feel your hips on mine
as I thrust back against you,
you smirking and your body reacting with a growl,
I spent half of my day with you,
and the other half without.
I ate 6 cookies in a row,
got motion sickness from looking at my computer screen,
or maybe it was the lack of eating,
and sometimes I feel like I’m in a house full of strangers.
My sisters barely leave the rooms they declare ownership over,
the youngest sleeping until 3
(although I’m sure her dream wasn’t better than mine)
and the other closing the door to the lounge,
shutting the curtains,
turned off the light,
sealed herself inside like a fallout bunker,
neither of them say a word to me.
My mom has already left by 7:30,
gets home at 6; and immediately goes to bed.
She seems more ghost than human these days.
I don’t disturb her,
she needs all the sleep she can get,
and so now I’m back to the activities of my day,
hoping for something more interesting,
putting off work because sometimes I just want to breathe.
Stay within my dreams,
like a movie theatre where I’m the only one watching,
and the actors are everyone I know,
I ask the usher if they can play a double feature this time
and they gladly oblige.
The concession stand has been out of food
for as long as I can remember,
I can feel the sounds rumbling through my chair
and the lights flash before my eyes,
dancing in front of my face.
There’s no pause,
or second screening.
And sometimes there’s a problem with the projector
and I never see anything at all.
Sometimes I’m startled
and sometimes the usher gives me a blanket
and tucks me in,
sometimes the theatre is locked
and I bang
on the door before turning
and seeing you
and everything goes black.
I used to avoid sleep,
to avoid the movies I’d be subjected to,
claiming it was so I’d get more done,
but I’d actually spend those extra hours staring at my wall
and thinking too much.
Nowadays I’d much rather catch a movie instead,
catch a glimpse of you,
catch a cold,
will you go to the movies with me.
Because I want to watch you in my hands instead of on a screen.
i see you more in my head than in person nowadays.