There's no such thing as a happy ending never ending
Well maybe..?
Depending on the circumstance,
If given the chance while resenting,
The thought of these..
Non relenting forces being brought on by the voices that are
Mimicking
A portion of me.. on stage
Yeah,
I am portrayed in a certain way
Because they all say.,
That I am hopeless, really hopeless,
Heart broken
But the truth is.. always swelling up
Much like Love
Wich was never really.. spoken of
Because I'm always,
Going on pretending
Yes,
I guess I'm always keeping
Secrets
And that's each and everyday
Much like..
The noted treachery of Eve
Which never felt so meant
to be
But right now.?
I'm really missing.. the feel of her
Warm summer breeze
Yeah,
I guess I'm feeling.. Sickly
Guess I'm being heckled by the freeze, that only a cold winter brings,
As my heart screams
Heyyy
Come and.. get me
Which is now typically and emotionally
being played by me,
Just like a stream of bad dreams
on screen
Or like vague memory seeds, going out with the last gleam
Which are likely..
Never ever to be
Redeemed
On time.. It seems
Because this happiness to be
Is all a mystery to me
Now pending
As never.. Ending
But as for now.?
It's being totally decreed and
foreseen
by me..
Now totally
as Ancient
History

what was it you saw in her?
so fast, when you claimed to love me?
how could it have been so deep
that you forgot what we had instantly?

you saw her for seconds,
Talked to her for minutes,
then by some strange justification decided
You Loved Her.

I don’t know if it was partly my fault,
pushing you away, but I only pushed you away because I knew how we’d end.
I’ve seen it before, and will see it again.
no loss for you, no heart, no law,
No light breaks through my window anymore.

I went on a date today.
this isn’t going to be a poem
about how I found true love,
or how I met someone and
suddenly my problems all disappeared.

none of that happened.
this isn’t some fairytale and
I won’t sugarcoat my words.
I’m still hurting. I’m still furious
and confused and so, so tired.
these past few months
have not been pretty.
there is no way to
romanticize this pain,
and there is no reason to.

these past few months have been
breakup ***, followed by regret,
and then a rush of hope.
they have been relearning life
and drinking far too much,
blackouts and breakdowns
and *****.

I am healing, and that takes time.
I’m still emotional.

but I went on a date today.
it’s not a remedy for
magically forgetting. I didn’t forget.
it didn’t bring me total closure.

but I laughed today.
I listened today.
I was listened to today.
I talked about myself and my interests,
and my trauma wasn’t a
topic of discussion for the
first time in a very long time.
it was refreshing.

I went on a date today.
this isn’t something that
would be front-page news.
there wasn’t some
earth-shattering, incredible moment.
my life has not changed.

but today I had fun.
I felt relaxed and worry-free

and for the first time
in a very long time,
I went to bed
reflecting on my day
and not about all of
the days I spent
with you.

you sit and eat cereal off my floor.
talk about the way it was before

I know your soul like I know no man's land
You know little about me.
you sit and eat cereal off my floor.
I talk about the things i want to be

ode to the peach tree,
sage leaves and chai tea,
to learning how to play guitar,
to undressed, endless summers
wherever you are.

I'll never forget the time she cried,
The time she called my name.
The time I broke undoubtedly
The time that caused me pain
Her voice it trembled, the fear it spoke
The fear it sounded
My heart was broke
It changed me deeply
Caused my soul to weep
Composure gone, with none to keep
Rattled into tears.
Playing out my nightmares
Giving into fears.
Carved into me, engraved so deeply.
I cannot seem to shake,
Forcing me to wake.
Locked within a cell,
Left with time to dwell
In this living hell.

your hair - cinnamon and burnt coffee.
your eyes -  an autumn mourning, pale and foggy.
your hands grasp firmly, not tight nor too loose,
you taste of warm winter's apple juice.

You are nothing, worse than nothing,
You are the dog **** I step in when I go for a jog,
The intrusive thought that keeps me awake at night,
The betrayal of a best friend turned enemy.
I cried on your shoulder, you smirked at the opportunity.
I wanted to die, you wanted to ****.
I said no! You insisted on anything.
Pity. Pity, pity, pity, pity, pity.
I agree, helpless, alone, desperate, betrayed, suicidal
You know nothing!
I now dream of beatings, but I am not the victim rather the inflictor
I raise my fists, you cower in fear
I strike, you dodge
Always out of my reach.
But poor you.
My mother and father will always be by my side, yours love you but do not like you
You look over your shoulder at every turn
The promise of me being silent, a withering desperate attempt to save yourself
I waste away, you waste with me
NO
I did not get to choose this fate but I will live with it
I will be successful
I will be loved
I will be safe
I will spend time with my friends
I will tell my sister I love her
I will not waste any more time on you.
I will clean the **** from my shoe and keep on running.
My life is worth it.

we dance like
everyone is watching
never knowing when
this performance ends

we circle around
the feelings we hide
chasing other shadows
left with nothing inside

we snarl and growl
our shadows tall
dancing across halls
of empty homes

menacing monsters
we hide underneath

but in the shade lays a girl
no more than sixteen
go to her and sing
return to me, please

stop carrying the
baggage of the past to an
unwritten future

6:31 PM
8/10/20