You’re not sad, that’s what you feel.
It may be a chemical imbalance; maybe a bottle of jack.
You can’t remember when the happiness felt real.
You want the sunshine back.
Just like my stuffy nose I know this will end,
Because I am not sad, that is not something I can comprehend.
I am not the things I feel or the words I say because that’s not what my body shows.
I am my actions and my space as my heart begins to plateau.
You’re not so two dimensional despite the lies you let yourself believe.
To let the world hold your worth so tight is something so naïve.
You are not your sadness or your anger or pride,
You are more than the hell raging somewhere deep inside.
I am more than this poem.
I am more than what I’m willing to show them.

By Arcassin Burnham


Don't tell me you can't be seen me.....
Cause I did nothing wrong to you,
Stop looking for some clarity.....
Nothing but a piece of residue,

On the ground,
May the lovers be one and found like the grey stone in the elders
Temple while clearly seeing your reflection,
I had no remorse for feeling any animosity,
for me to get away from the human race permanently,
Latching onto nothing that was never real.......
I was trying to bring you along for the ride but you gave on me
Simply for another's direction,
And in the end it was just pure cruelty,
I went into this new world with a cup of tea and broken dreams in
Smoke signals that never were really released,
I swear I told them all that Diamond Valley was real,

Don't tell me you can't be seen me.....
Cause I did nothing wrong to you,
Stop looking for some clarity.....
Nothing but a piece of residue,
I want you,
I could hear them calling for miles to pull me away,
we brand you,
There's no doubt in my mind my life's a mess but I stepped into
Heaven's Gates.

No more love,
No more love.

I thought I lost the best part of me
When you walked out so easily
Now I realize that you leaving
Saved the deepest part of my sanity
You tortured my mind and made me sick
I'm fucked in the head from all your shit
I wasn't wrong to love you
No, I was wrong to stay
But I know in my heart that
You'll regret it one day

Cause you broke me down
And destroyed my heart
I gave you my all
Now I want out!
You left so long ago but
Left this curse on me
I'm finding escape
In shit I don't believe
But What else can I do
When I never fucking sleep

The years of these blades
And the gallons of poison
In no way compare
To the place you have me in
Conditioned my mind
To sensor my thoughts
Just to avoid
The brutal nights when we fought
And I was never enough
It was always the same
Even when you fucked up
I was always to blame

Cause you broke me down
And destroyed my heart
I gave you my all
Now I want out!
You left so long ago but
Left this curse on me
I'm finding escape
In shit I don't believe
But What else can I do
When I never fucking sleep

All those nights spent alone
When I needed you most
Should have been enough
To convince me to go
But no, I stayed with you
Did whatever you'd say
I became your slave
Your personal outlet every fucking dayy
Ugh

FUCK YOU! For all that you did to me
FUCK YOU! For the haunting memories
They're burning my heart
And plaguing my mind
You cannot escape what you cannot unwind

You said you loved me
Bitch you don't know how to love
You only play your childish games
And run away when life gets rough
Ugh

Cause you broke me down
And destroyed my heart
I gave you my all
Now I want out!
You left so long ago but
Left this curse on me
I'm finding escape
In shit I don't believe
But What else can I do
When I never fucking sleep

Merely you in the mind,
With your always nature soft and kind
If I could by heart express you
You are my life and end too
If I get closer, I am living though
If I go away, my heart will go

Merely you in my heart,
your love ensembles my whole part
Of brain and vein, and the emotions wart
Unless thee shine as a summery sun
With your beauty and cleverness,
With your energy and adorableness,
you are my number one

Merely you in the earth,
Yes, I'm falling in your love,
And I bet spending all my wealth
Even myself and all my health
To love you, in my soul to inearth

Merely you I can see
I wish you and I become we,
You got me,
And I held my mine,
Until you shelter and lee
I see no else except thee
You reach the high of legacy,
You are my heart's legatee
I wish you and I become "We"

As I sit here we see what's lost
I also think of the cost
Though not lost but merely stored away
Knowing I'll stop being sad someday
We tore each other apart like hyena to prey
I wish that was all I had to say
I wish you loved what your worth was
Because I've seen your glow and what a buzz
One you don't take as a drug, one you soak in
But I don't think that's what you were sellin'
I swore someday's were my hell
But to you I couldn't tell
Captivated by your victims widow
To help you get strong, but not to kill me though
You need to have more self conviction
For something good not to sate addiction
For you sit upon a golden throne
But here now being a sense of all alone
You need to find that little you is hurt
And learn to find self comfort
Take care of you before you find a host
Your face is that of a ghost
Lost in expression of attachment and shame
Being pressured by self blame
The only advice I have for you
Is to only change the choices you do
Because the real you is always there
Waiting for you to take her hand and adventure
I wish my words to be of encouragement
But to bring light to your inner happy sentiment
I know you have the power of choice
But one more time, believe in me and rejoice
For you know the power of my words
Flowing like Sheppards to herds
Truth in my every breath
But I'm blind to your meth
Flawless in deliverance and passion
That make me start lashin
A regret I carry like a scar on my lung
My neck sore from always being hung
But I can't let this overcome my compassion
That I have to give, here, I cash in
I can't be a comparison anymore
I'm sadly, strongly, powerfully closing this door
I repeat once more because I know
That this will help you go
That I wish you the absolute best
And you are capable of facing your test
But remember that you can't give slack
Because you might tumble back
You need faith in your solitude
You'll find life in mind and passion in mood
I do not mean to appear rude
I say this calmly with no attitude
I say this lovingly not prude
You truly can be loved my past love
Know your grandmother sees you from above
Making another sick joke to you
As words of encouragement of what to do
Find love, get lost, go run around the world
Don't wait up please move on from me
Take what you've learned and go see
That there is so much better out there
But what I do know and dare
Is that I know this door will be unlock
If you find yourself going amok
Just don't abuse this right
Just go, don't knock, please find new light. -Lo

You know, I never actually got away?
I left those 4 walls long ago
But the friends I made while I was alone..?
Still keep me company inside my head

They remind me every day
That Im not capable of  making good choices.
That it's safer to be alone, behind walls.
That crying is not just weak, but dangerous.

Because when people come inside,
They will hate you.
They will hurt you.
And worst of all,
They will never. Even try. To understand you.

You probably aren't worth the time.
Or even the space you inhabit.
You are possibly a vile and useless creature
Born to be wrong, and always sorry.

So don't be late
Don't defend yourself.
Don't cry - and if you do:
Don't ever let them hear you.
Don't say one fucking word,
Of one fucking thought,
Out loud. Ever.

Those are the rules.
And if you ever find yourself struggling
To follow those rules:
Stop breathing until it gets easier.

Its been years now, but...
I never actually left that room....
Those 4 walls came with me,
And I carry them inside every day.

On good days they keep me safe.
And on bad days they close in so tightly,
That it gets dark, and hard to breathe.
But on any given day?
I just feel... So damn heavy...

Skip,
The heart stops momentarily.
A moment's peace not to feel,
Not to breathe.
In that time
everything is right.
No worry,
No pain,
Nothing you do is in vain.

But,
The heart starts back up again.
Flooded veins surge back,
Full of emotions.
In that instance
the chaos ensues.
Why me,
What if,
Nothing stifles the itch.

i've never believed the saying, "time heals all wounds." it puts one under the impression that if you wait and do good, we'll one day be magically healed...we'll wake up and suddenly see and feel the radiance of the sun again.

the sun has come back but i can still feel the frigid cold trying to take me away.

google defines wound (n) as: an injury to living tissue caused by a cut, blow, or other impact, typically one in which the skin is cut or broken. synonyms include but are not limited to: gash, laceration, slash, abrasion, bruise.

wounds can be physical. black and blue. scratches up and down your arm. wishing they'd go away so you can stop telling people that you ran into a tree.

wounds can be mental. feeling a tug at your heart constantly, one wrong move and you're shattered. not being able to listen to that song without bursting out in tears.

my wounds are valid whether you can see them or not. time has passed and my wounds are still begging to be seen. stop telling me i'll be okay with time.

i used to feel crazy. i was waiting for a switch to turn on. the switch would turn on and i would be healed. i wouldn't feel like this anymore. this day never came but i'm realizing this is fine.

google defines heal (v) as: to cause (an undesirable condition) to be overcome. synonyms include but are not limited to: mend, recover, improve.

peak moments make me feel like i'm healed. i'll laugh the way i used to. warmth takes me over. the sky is a brighter shade of blue.

low moments make me question the healing process. i'm crying. my heart feels like it's breaking all over again. i'm battling with myself in my head. suddenly i'm on a rollercoaster i can't get off of and i can't stop screaming.

the thing is, i'm constantly healing. the process never ends. my body is constantly working to heal my wounds and while they may become less visible over time, i can tell you i will always feel them.

i've accepted my wounds as a part of me. they take up space. i carry them with me everywhere i go. i'm not sure if i'd be me without my wounds.

my wounds remind me of who i am, what i'm capable of. they're proof of the battles i fought: the nights i cried and cried, the moments i felt the world was too much for me, the times i questioned my worth, when i could feel my own heart breaking.

i'm sorry to say that time doesn't heal all wounds  as i'm still hurting.

it's not important to be strong, it's important to be real

A rose by another name is just as plain
A rose in another vase is just as dead
And here I am pretending, nothing’s wrong with me.

If I don’t see what I want to see
If I don’t hear what I want to hear
What use is it if I speak, and you don’t hear me?

Don’t hear me out if I’m lifeless
Don’t look the other way
If you see that I’m struggling to breathe.

I fight to stay focused, you fight to be blameless
I close my eyes when I start to sink.

If I don’t see what I want to see
If I don’t hear what I want to hear
What use is it if I lose it, and you ignore me?

I am not an object, I am not a vessel of pain
I deserve life, even if I’m worthless.

I scream, I cry, I will not die
You won’t ignore that I’m there
No one will tell me I’m a waste of air.

Don’t cut me down, and expect me to wither away.

10th September 2017