It still haunts and keeps me anxious when silence comes in the form of uninvited guests at night, invoking the sense of melancholy deeply; like a salt rubbed on a fresh wound.
Part of me still wishes to turn back the time and rewrite the story, part of me aches for TABULA RASA~ a state of blank mind.
And part of me is still reeling on the nightmares which was my reality; while I was still trying to hold a grip over my sanity.
Monster exist in humans and sometime they're insidious like cancer. They eat you slowly while you're still unaware of the symptoms that you had to compromise with. The more you compromised and adjusted, the more it gave them the chance to deteriorate your worth.
I wore a smile and wore my mask of resilience so well that silently I bore the pain, while I was dying inside, yet nobody could see it with naked eyes.
And yet, I was blamed for all the repercussions I had to deal with.
And while the monster lurks around freely, I still walk on the path courageously, with fear but I'll keep walking on, even if it means to be alone.
Freedom is a lonely road.
👣

----TW: brief mention of blood----

i wanna ***** on your floor.
i don't care how gross it is...
i want you to get a good look
and watch it harden and dry -
like my feelings for you,
like your feelings for me,
like someone's feelings about the weather,
like your lips when they occasionally crack,
like my tears after a regular midnight crying session,
like an old man's emotions,
like my emotional intelligence,
like a kid's year old play dough,
like your sliver of remaining motivation,
like an adhd project,
like the blood i'll cough up,
like a teen's sloppily painted nails.
yeah, like all those things.

As you lay next to your lover
I can’t help but to wonder
Am I in your dream, do I occur?
Or are you unable to remember,
Shoving our memories in the gutter?

Love, your ex-lover.

After all these years
Questioning myself, yet again
Was it my love you’re after?
Or was it lust you desire?
In the end, we’re just not meant
To be happily ever after

If I could describe it in simple words
Love is the most beautiful feeling in the world
The thoughts of it bury their seeds in your wake and In sleep
It sprouts in all of your cells, until it’s all you breathe
It morphs into many extremes, it’s the cold, it’s the heat
You love, you lose, you loathe, rinse and repeat

But my love was different, I found you when I was about to die by my own hands. I couldn’t see anything but my own death, so when in my vision came your face, I fell in love with your effortless grace, no I drowned and drenched and bathed in it.  In my own inferno I could’ve burn this whole world. But you saved me. Your sheer existence was like silvery raindrops on my wildfire. It gave birth to my poetry, borne from my scrambled thoughts. You never loved me or cared for me, but that was okay for me because at least you were here, here with me. I showed it in my words, I did in my actions, for some reason you never cared to think about it either, but that was okay too because at least you were here, here with me. But now you’re leaving. And my thoughts are becoming scrambled again. No more beautiful words or put-together feelings. It’s all ******* garbage and puddle of ****. I was at your feet. How dare you retract them in disgust. I was at your ******* feet. ******* it! How dare you smile at other men when they walk in, just before you scowl at me. I gave you everything, I made you what you are now. How ******* dare you sit with me and chat with girls on bright glassy screen. *******, *******, *******,

But please don’t leave me
Not before I get to leave you.
What am I supposed to do when you’re gone?
What am I supposed to do now that I can’t love you?

If I could describe it in simple words
Love is the most hurtful feeling in the world
The thoughts of it bury the seeds in your wake and In sleep
It sprouts in all of your cells, until it’s all you breathe
It morphs into many extremes, it’s the cold, it’s the heat
You love, you lose, you loathe, rinse and repeat

You are the Love that I Remember,
You melt me through Aeons of Winter.
You make me the blazing Djinn,
You make me the Christ without Sin.

You are the Cure for The Cold
and my love is like Footsteps in Snow.
Where I follow with Feather and Rose.
To give you my Heart and my Soul.

You are the Love that I Remember.
You are the Love that I Recall,
You are the Spirit of my Crossing,
You tie me in Beautiful Woes.

You are the Essence of Color.
Also the midnight cruiser.
You are the spring fawn,
and its your laughter that makes me grow.

You are the will of the bright.
You are the source of my spiritual writing.
You make me the king in blessings.
Blessings of virtue and light.

You are the love that I remember,
the truth and the love that is tender.
You are the ocean of responsibility,
that I pick up when reason is withering.

You are the quintessential virtue.
That all there is to know is full.
The fullness you supply, I imbibe
these virtues; with intimacy, grace and time.