one month later,
and my heart still beats for you.
each success i achieve is for you.
my tears all fall based around your name.

everyone says that i shouldn't harp on what you did,
that i should move on from you,
forget about you,
let the idea of you become a memory instead of a future.

yet how am i to get over you
when you stole all the best pieces of me?
not only did you abandon me,
but you also packed into your overstuffed suitcase
my love of cinnamon buns, all my favorite songs,
the smile i get when i know something good is about to happen.
you left me with nothing.
every treasured memory has been tainted by your dirty hands,
and the bits of myself i once held closest to my heart now only remind me of the wreckage you caused.
I desire
In a heat of summer

My triumphant return

From wild brush
Sudden wilderness
Harsh temperatures

The north
Or south
Anguished by gold

Needing a solid
Condemning love

Validating the truth
Of my delinquency
Letting death overcome life

He was so pretty
The scion
My child...

So pure
Like snow
With the name Napoleon

He was mine
My son
Natural blood

The rose so cold
Living in a spring of chill

Where is the love
We once shared?
It has to be rotting in the ground

All is gone
The money
My booze

I want more
Something substantial
Not hunger

Nor your whining
I hate
And fear the searing leach

That you have become
My bonus from life
Is this

An uncontrollable
Falling out

I revise
God's device
Informative drive

I have to run
To the bay

With torrential rain
Sudden winds
Hateful lies

I have no explanation
Her name is Betty
And contrary

To happy endings
With a tome of reality at ready
I contribute to life

By saying
I hate you
i handed you a gun,
so you could prove your trust to me.
but, instead,
you shot me straight through
and left me with a bloody, aching scar of you.
you said you were good,
a month after our end.
i'm unsure if you meant it
or if you were just trying to get in my head.
i want you to be better
to learn something from this.
but i also want you to miss me,
to ache for my love,
the way i ache for yours.

maybe i'm too weak,
maybe my body is overly full of
warm black tea tinged with sugar
and fuzzy, naive hopes for the world.
maybe my heart is so soft
that i cannot heal at the same rate as you.

your actions and abandonment
broke my gentle bones.
the injuries i sustained are patched up
with multi-colored bandaids.
you left me with gaping wounds,
all while i was trying to help you fix your own bruises.

you said you were good,
a month after our end.
it worsened my pain,
but i doubt you care.
there will be days where getting out of bed 
is the most daunting challenge you have ever faced.

days where pouring a cup of tea hurts you to the core,

because it somehow reminds you of him.

days where you wake up at 3 PM
 and hope that sleep will take over your mind again soon, as being awake is too much for you.

there will be days 
where your fears and your pain feel unconquerable and overwhelming.

days where the pit in your stomach seems so immense, almost like it is eating you from the inside out.

days where you can barely look at yourself in the mirror, out of fear that the person staring back at you will be changed from the pain. 

there will be days that hurt.

but, there will be also be days

where you sit in the passengers seat, 
wind blowing through your hair,
the sound of your friends’ singing playing in your ears.

days where you feel brighter than you have in months.

days where you wake up early, and, for the first time, 
he’s not on your mind.

there will be days
 where you feel loved in ways you’ve never felt before.

days where you clink glasses filled to the brim with bubbling champagne and cheer to your success in getting through the agony.

days where the person in the mirror is entirely changed, but for the better. 

there will be days that are better than anything you ever imagined. 

your life is a combination of the good and bad,

the sorrowful nights full of missed sunsets, tear-stained t-shirts, and hour long showers that burn your skin,
and the sunny days made up of stacks of takeout boxes, laughter that makes your sides hurt, and popsicle tinted mouths. 

you can only recognize sweet moments if you’ve known bitter ones too.

your pain is teaching you how to see the beauty in times that are otherwise miserable.

your pain is helping you grow.
the river continues to flow,
and each day the sun sets,
again and again.
mothers give new life
and watch their child grow.
lovers share their first kiss
and feel the fireworks spark between them.
the world continues turning,
even after you left.

your goodbye didn't slow down the future
or break me in two.
i'm slowly realizing
that i don't need you to be me
i never needed you.
Sarah 5d
Forever with you seemed infinite.
Until your eyes threatened our tomorrow,
and your hands whispered promises to a plane of skin that wasn’t mine.
Written 1/26/2018
you've been on my mind
every minute since you left.
i don't recall thinking about you this often before,
but now it's all i can do to
move my mind away.

i was told to count my fingers,
when the questioning thoughts appeared.
to remember i am real,
i am strong,
i am still standing even after you are gone.
but looking at my hands simply
reminds me of the way yours used to grip to them.

i've been doing everything in my power
to stop you
and the inevitable sorrow that comes with your name
from entering in my head.
your hold on me is so deep that
i can't seem to cut the cord that tied my heart to yours.
maybe it's time to accept the pain.
I wanted to be your home,
but you were a guest;
You departed and arrived as you pleased,
and left making a vacation out of me.
so this is how we end.
with tears staining the collar of my shirt
and chewed up fingers grasping
for something that's not there anymore.
my heart still open and full of you,
yours emptied,
any remnants of love for me gone.

when i had painfully thought of
what the world might look like after we had run our course,
i imagined a clean cut,
like scissors gliding through the silver speckled wrapping paper
i covered your birthday presents in.
both of us knowing it would be for the best,
our life together equally split between us.

i never imagined our end looking like this,
my body full of gaping holes made up of
uneven sides and coarse, harsh edges tainted with memories of you,
the way coffee stains a t-shirt,
bright at first, impossible to get out, and eventually
leaving behind a soft color and a vague scent of a time before.
no matter how many times i wash it,
it's there.
this cut will take forever to erase,
my years are now dedicated to recovering from it.

so, this is how we end.
my mind still calling out for you,
in hopes that one day you will reply.
the other side of my bed empty,
all happiness from life gone.

we weren't supposed to end this way.
we weren't supposed to end this way.
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