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zee 3d
Little girl started feeling insecure at the age of twelve, certainly it wouldn't be the last.

At first the voices didn’t get to her, but eventually, the voices got to her enveloping her into an all too familiar embrace that she wanted to escape.

At the age of 13, it was a fresh new start, it was the start of freshmen year,  little girl was actually doing okay but she couldn't help but hear the voices at the back of her head, screaming at her, comparing her to numerous other girls she saw on instagram, on runways and on the hallways, how different in size and appearance she was compared to all of them.

At the age of 14, little girl thought everything was going to change unfortunately for her, it didn’t when insecurities came crashing down onto her like how reality crashes down unto you after reading a good book, when people did not only comment how big she was but they started being more specific about their implications.

Normally, she wouldn't have taken it seriously.
Scientifically, it was normal for her to grow on those areas because, news flash, it's part of adolescence, but for her, it was just another file to add into a file cabinet, she called life. A disorganized file cabinet, she was too exhausted to organize.

14-year-old girl started wearing 2 sports bras at once, not minding how she couldn't breathe, not minding how her lungs were gasping for relaxation and to be able to be comfortable enough to grasp oxygen, but she did not care with how the way her body was begging her to give it oxygen, her body did not deserve to breathe for being such a burden in her life.

14-year-old girl also learned how to skip meals, it was the year in which she learned how to lie about her being full because it would be embarrassing enough to say that she was hungry at 6:30 am in the morning when she basically devoured everything they had for dinner, to at least fill up the gaping hole of emptiness and unsatisfaction she feels when she looks at herself in the mirror and can't a single thing to like about herself.

14-year-old girl also learned how to act, act sick so no one would question her why she threw up all the food she devoured, when in reality she grasped onto her neck, so tightly, choking herself and made her release all the chewed up food they had for dinner, unfortunately it did not release all the insecurities and coped up feelings she kept inside of her, she punished herself because her body did not deserve that satisfaction, her body did not deserve being rewarded for being such a burden in her life.

14-year-old girl told herself to not eat.  Simple.
14-year-old girl told herself that guys wouldn't like her because of her insecurities.
14-year-old girl had to swallow every tear that was made when people made fat jokes at her. That was the only thing she was good at. Swallowing, devouring, being fat. Being such a ******* burden.

Little girl was always so immersed into her body, always investing time to punish herself because she was never what the norms were.

At the age of 15 little girl gave up on caring.

15-year-old girl realized she did not need people's validation on how she should look physically.

15-year-old girl realized that her body is a temple worthy of praise and worship, not insults and comments about how it should look.

15-year-old girl understood the concept of false advertisement.  

15-year-old girl realized that she is lovable, she is worth love and she does not need any guy to show her that, that the only love she needed was love towards herself.
i was scrolling through my old notes and i found a poem i wrote back when i was 15. im 17 now and i literally cried my *** off when i read it. i decided to post it here because i feel like this page is where i can be my most authentic self. very personal so i hope u like it.

(psa: i decided to leave it as it is. did not edit it to fit my current writing "style" so yeaaa)
poetry ain't perfect if you are not there;
dress and suits are for models
but I don't want to see you unhappy,
so we'll pause
but don't worry, we'll quickly forward it
just give me his name
and I promise he will end up in my flame.

It's hard, I understand
But believe me
Trust me
That you're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
And you're so ******* beautiful
Even the mirror claps
Even the camera cheers
So be happy and always remember that I'm always here
Be happy and say '*******' to all those skinny *******.
this is dedicated to my friends and anyone who have been body shamed. sorry if this is really lame and boring but with all of my heart, i dedicate this to u guys. just know that your body doesn't symbolize u but your heart and what's inside does. love u.
You're a fat sack of crub
And you get no love
You're a fat sack of crub
You get no love
Buh buh buh
Its all that you want
That's why you get no love
You stinky ol' smelly crub
People gotta calm and find friendship
Not this chemically hormone induced
Crubs are crubby
Idiot's abound in geniusy
Intelligence fun and kind
Aren't we
Though they see us dancing
Do they see my machinery
A fool is a tool
A genius is an idiot
For what life may be bring
Who cares lets have fun
Hit it.....
Make a song

That's what i like to do
Nothing wrong with that.

April 12 2019
CM Lee Mar 8
I’m less of a woman because I’m fat
I’m treated like one of the guys
No doors were held for me everyday
And most of the time, I’m fine with that

No gentleman was ever gentle to me
No girl was ever a friend to me
All these empty spaces they left me
I decided to put doubt and insecurities in

They say it’s okay
They say love yourself in a way
That itself should be enough for the light of day
But they don’t know how it is for me each day

I just want to feel loved and wanted
I just want to feel important and painted
I’m tired of being black and white
All I need is a little color on my sky

I’m less of a person because I’m scarred
I’m less of a human because I’m “****”
That’s what they said to me
I’m less of a woman because I’m fat
Miranda Mar 5
I like how my body looks
In a broken mirror.

The many cracks give my body
A different shape.
A shape I’m proud
To call mine.

The many cracks hide my reality
For a short amount of time.

Until I leave the broken mirror
And walk in the hall to see a whole mirror
With no cracks.
And I see myself.
My true self.

The body I’m not proud is mine.
Came up with this after shattering my mirror this past week
Em Feb 27
Girls with tiny waists and angelic faces sway rhythmically with muscular arms for belts.
While the girls with chubby cheeks sway to the movement of their cigarette filled air
Hums through the streets block out the sounds of missed chances
Lips not kissed
Numbers not asked for
Skin not touched
They tell themselves they are not jealous
They are happy for the girls with the sun kissed skin and pin straight hair
Whose fingers are intertwined with strong hands
As theirs clutch their phones seemingly unbothered
Their thighs create friction each as their friends’ glide through air
They tell themselves there’s one for me
These boys are just a glimmer in time
They mean nothing
I mean nothing
They go home alone
Tear soaked skin
Mascara marked
Chubby cheeks flushed
Telling themselves next time
I’ll mean something
Black,Brown,yellow or white,
Tall or short,what's in a height,
Thin, fat or obese,
What's to do with size,
From zero to XXL,
Beautiful,**** or normal,
What the ****!
It's Your life,
Live it without strife.
Savour its flavours,
Reach out for experiences, newer and richer,
Be a Rockstar.
Soon before you die,
Your life before you will flash by,
Make sure,your ending is your best goodbye.
He's gone
He's gone
He's gone

Was it my fault?
Was I too **** and fat
Or too loud and daring

These are the things I wonder as I empty my stomach
So it won't be my fault again
M-E Feb 5
I will say No
No, is my new sublime
I will write it on the walls, in the aisles
I will make it rhyme
With everything I say
So, NO
I am not buying you
You salty bag of chips.
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