Thoughts of the future,
Visions of the past.
The present moment,
simply does not last.
Time is spent,
on speculation and niceties.
The self-deception plaguing oneself,
The unceasing banter regarding wealth.
What is left, to truly spend,
is an echo, a fraction, of what we truly have.
Paying attention to useless things,
occupying the mind with countless daydreams.
Imaginings of futures never coming-to-be,
Recollections of a past causing hurt to me,
What is left is but a bare fraction,
the actual time that is spent on the present.
Wasting away the gifts of time,
we squander the present, however benign,
on the past and future, or thoughts of the present.
Rather than seeing what is truly inherent,
the very impermanence that defines the present,
We miss our chance,
the biggest chance there is,
to shape our future, however bleak it is.
As with countless drops one can fill a pot,
day by day we can always walk.
For the path of a thousand miles begins with a step,
with the beginning at hand, the end we will beget,
the very future, we will seek to protect.
Loneliness encasing me
And closing all around me
Falling into the depths of great defeat
And no one can hear me
Mistakes being made are those of a weaker mind
And a weaker heart
Or so told in the dark and made into art
Here is the product
Of a time long lost
A battle never defeated and memories not gone
A clock to be heard ticking away
But all silence is remained
A tear receding into below
Yet once was a glow
And learned is the fact
You cannot outrun the past
Hiding in your own cave
The past is the present now made
I thought I’ve already made enough mistakes to last a lifetime, but as it turns out he was only the beginning.
I know. I know I should’ve listened. For someone who claims to be so self-aware, I stumbled onto him like a new born in a world of monsters.
A monster ready to pounce. Ready to control. Quick to eye someone they know is easily vulnerable.
I knew, from the start, this love was not going to work. Wasn’t supposed to.
And I knew, from the start, his I love you’s were lies uttered only by the fleeting feeling that he had to have someone to catch him and make him feel worthy while the other crumbles.
But I believed them anyway.
And suddenly, I was a kid again.
You had so many plans, and I got swept along with it. I remember being so glad. Because for the first time, someone saw me as having a place in their future.
You were the first person to talk to me about the possibility of marriage. And I remember thinking, Oh god I’m only twenty but, actually even when I’m thirty I still don’t want to.
Turns out I also said that out loud. You shrugged and said we’d talk about it some other time.
But then you decided to let go because my storms became too much for you to bear. I never did blame you. I was just surprised you gave up that easy.
You said that you almost loved me.
What did you expect me to say to that?
Quid tibi accessit?
I was so sure of you.
I gushed about you so hard to my friends, so proud and so sure that this wouldn’t happen.
I believed everything. Every little thing. Until now nothing is quite clear, except for the fact that you found it appropriate to be selfish.
I never want to regret any of my loves.
But you’re close to disappointing.
This will be the first one I will write for you, and if you stay, it won’t be the last.
I’ve fallen so many times for people who only accepted my love. I give and give and give, never learning when to stop. Because I’m stupid like that.
I always say that love is shit. Relationships are messy. And love is not until death.
But dear, you are the only person I’ll ever admit this to, I crave love.
I crave for the deep love people seem to always experience in movies. Love written by poets through the years, the same feeling I’m trying to capture with the things I make. Love in Art. Love that is enough. Love that will tread the storm and come out of the other end stronger. Love that is realistic but will never give up. Love that will choose you, even during the days when you’re not so sure anymore.
We had to meet at a time when both of us were broken. We still are, on some level. But we’re trying.
There are days where I am afraid. Days when I don’t think I’m worthy. We were proved to be made from star dust, you know? There are galaxies inside of us. Of you.
I look at you and I see all the amazing things that have happened, and will happen, because of the greatness you have in you.
I’m thankful you’ve allowed me to be a part of it, even for now.
I don’t know how this story is going to go. I don’t know how this book will end. But you are the first chapter of what I think will be my greatest love, yet.
Love, I’m scared shitless. But they always told me that I had to be brave to face the things that will be worth it in the end.
And you are worth it.
she would need that, wouldn't she?
to slow down
I never slow down
when I ski,
I don't turn
I rocket down the slopes
snow trailing in the frozen air behind me
cold fear in my heart
as I pick up speed
but I don't slow down
I never slow down
I like to live fast
in the moment
one punch after another
breathe breathe breathe
suck air into my lungs until it hurts and
leaves no room for second guessing
for anxiety to creep in
I run to keep up with life
feet pounding on the pavement
mimicking my heartbeat
and I don't slow down
I never slow down
I'm not so good at continued commitments
I'd rather just do everything all at once
hours of work
I could have easily done gradually
crammed all at once
and I don't think before I speak
I say what's on my mind
though I often regret it
and I don't slow down
I never slow down
because if I slowed down
would catch up
Storybooks provided a safe haven
to escape daily onslaught from school
yard punkish bullies. Cowardice, fear
full ness, insecurity…. writ large
upon this then diminutive carapace
(more a car ap than an ace), which I
firmly believe suffered stunted growth.
Non-verbal passive behavior (asper
yours truly) ideal fodder for carnivorous,
ferocious, inxs, et cetera kickstarter ma
lice oppressing quiet soul uber wounded
bent knee (possibly quirk during gestation
sparked profound difficulty assimilating,
comprehending, and gifting spent with
in womb) wretch.
Mailer daemons choked bravery. Absent
courage endeared grievous kinetic mission.
Onset of self starvation (which evolved
via gradations) omitting first one then two,
and finally declining sustenance into a lad
opting to die.
As a licensed practical nurse (LPN)
my foregone mother resorted to whip
(while playing Devo) nutritious concoctions
in tandem with giving me iron injections
upon one or other cheeks of ma bony tucks.
A figurative boat loaded raft of mental
weaknesses epitomized by refusal to take
food (death held in check by late mate
of father), without question unequivocally,
maximally and heavily impinged on ability
An accomplice devilishly game inside Kapell
meister Matthew Scott appeared to possess
upper hand. Will power to expunge an ever-
exhausting cerebral dual.
This oppressive nihilistic, quixotic tragic turn
of psychological events (courtesy of Anorexia
Nervosa) plagued mindset kept healthy positive
growth development locked up.
Indifference affects a gamut of personal facets.
Ambition to terminate tender teen torturous
troubles dominated, and wrought asunder,
an imprimatur etched into present day
Though barely squeaking thru a dozen grades
poor dividends reaped. Such absence of per
severance found me undeserving of a high
school diploma.Upon graduation (no popinjay
pompous circumstance felt), uncertainty prevailed
asthma ah...ah...ah...chew zen objective.
Thus, this scrivener (who attempts to capture
those ever elusive sentiments of yore) expended
precious time and money flitting (hither and yon –
to and fro) one university after another.
Now aye make light of the matter and tell those,
who inquire about my college days “I spent time
in many institutions…of higher learning”.
Cumulative result from difficulty coping
with changes (albeit of self or circumstances)
left inability to be master of my domain. Fools
rushed in where angels feared to tread.
Attitude, credo, and ethos (or devoid of said
positive qualities plus generosity, integrity
and time management) set very unsound stage
for failure performance as sought after employee.
The blanket of stars draped over the sky
lighting up your path towards another book
Dip your feet into your overflowing ink of acquired wisdom,
Step on the blank first page of your own tome,
and dance your way across the page
Fill every inch
Write every name
Paint every memory
For a moment is all we are
And this moment is yours
the season, in which the bud will finally bloom
A girl you once were,
but now shall be regarded as a blossomed lady
And I will always be by your side
whenever you get tired
of filling the blank paper
whenever your feet swell
whenever you run out of ink
whenever it gets hard to turn the pages,
I will be by your side
Let us turn every page of today into yesterday
constantly training my brain
to not dread upon the past
and the "should haves"
and the "what if's"
when all my mind wants to do
is live in the past or the future
for the present is just too much to handle
so if only i could change the past
maybe things would be different
maybe i would be different
in the at&t store
or whatever you call it
everything is so so cold
and the phones are too shiny and sleek and black
and they are on plastic hangers
which go on metal rods
and the people that work there
wear really starchy shirts
with embroidered logos
i am here
and i am also wearing a shirt i don't like
its way too small
and my armpits are uncomfortable
im here because i am buying one of those shiny phones
because its my birthday
the day i was born
almost exactly 16 years before
but it takes so long
and i don't want to be in this cold room
and i feel like i have been in cold rooms all day
and i start crying because i'm surrounded by phones
while the guy talks about insurance to my mom
i dont want a phone
i want to go home
and i want to take off this shirt