she dreams of days she’ll never get back,
heartbreak that never happened to her,
feelings she’s never had,
and that she’s scared she never will.
there is a darkness to her thoughts
when she can understand them.
sometimes she thinks she’s less than she is
(but only on days she can tell her self-worth)
her mind has been sealed off to the public
for so long
she’s beginning to forget her own thoughts.
she remembers better days.
she remembers the days before.
she remembers a time that is not Now.
and to her
those days are inherently better.
(a secret: we all are)
this is a flaw.
when looking in the mirror,
almost everything is.
she is too hard on herself,
she wants to be better
she tries hard.
she doesn’t try at all.
sometimes all she can manage is trying to try.
sometimes it’s okay.
sometimes she’s okay.
(are you really sad if you laughed yesterday?)
she thinks. she thinks she thinks. she thinks.
she smiles a lot.
she cries a lot.
she imagines they cancel each other out.
she only completely understood what a metaphor was
when she was 14
even though she had been using them since she could remember.
she thinks that’s a metaphor for her life.
she doesn’t quite know what that means
but she thinks one day she will.
It’s been three years
I actually fit in here
And yet you want to leave?
Why are my decisions
Never left up to me?
It dosnt matter anyway
No one will ever stay
It’s gotten to now
Where I’m accustomed
To you as you walk away
I guess that now
I know how you look
More from behind
Than in the front
I wish I could rewind
I don’t know what would be different
Or how it would end
But maybe I would be firm
And not bend
When I was made to leave
And told to walk away
Or maybe even you might stay.
When I was young so long ago,
Threatened I was; though I didn't know,
My parents feared as to my fate-
Afraid that the doctors would be too late.
And the doctors did all that they could,
For the fear of my parents they understood,
They opened my skull and saw the mass-
Knowing that they had to move fast.
Many at the time thought those efforts to be in vain,
For my life this tumor continued to drain,
But those doctor's efforts weren't destined to be lost-
For God had not let my death be the cost.
To show I understand what it is you're going through,
My choir is here to carol for you,
For Christmas is the time of giving: as God's done-
And I do hope this will bring joy to everyone.
Never before has stillness been so moving;
Vulnerability yes, fearlessly inspiring.
This moment in time that is so temporary,
But the effect so powerful, will stay indefinitely
So quietly chaotic, but peaceful in mind,
In a life of reflection: freedoms I find
A moment so grounded, floating on air
to touch the intangible, daring to care.
Her hands move over me, such;
So destructively perfect
A Beautiful collision
The gentle strength- felt by her touch
The terrifying confidence of unshackled trust
The need for control, complete self reliance
Now desired and cared for, a potential alliance
To be so comfortable with complete contradiction,
So hopelessly hopeful…
So full of conviction.