No longer calmed,
My head keeps spinning.
A gun with no safety,
A blade with no hilt...
Tired of having to prove myself.
To whom? You?
No, to me... My worst enemy.
This isn't good enough,
That's never right.
Sometimes I want to scream!
And my tears... They never put up a fight.
The river of amnesia flows,
Passed the gums and down it goes.
Temporary relief from a pain so deep.
Like a thousand knives,
Beneath my skin, they seep.
Staring into the dirt,
My eyes lose focus...
All the tiny ants become clear.
This is what they do, year after year.
I'm apart of this cycle,
Nature and I.
And after this,
In an eternal Hell...
I'm sure I'll fry.
But... Not all is lost.
For, I lay on a throne of grass...
Little to no cost!
The only price I paid...
Was putting my feet on the ground,
And putting up with this... Joyful day.
Its crazy to think that my life before her was worth anything at all but
since her arrival my life has been more vibrant more exciting and more fun
and since shes been gone ive gone into a pit of self loathing and despair she was a beauty beyond any comparison but more importantly she has this rebellious against the fray personality that is extremely different from these millennials who all live at home and want to be Instagram and Snapchat models. She craves adventure she loves deeply and she steals the heart of any man who is with her for more than a minute .
I don't want to believe anything truly dies. The things we love, the people we love...we carry them with us regardless of how they wither away and leave us. Seasons pass and the petals on flowers shrivel up, the colors aren't as bright as they once were but I've thought in this state, flowers tell the most.
I have two flowers that I keep in a glass jar next to my bed. While their states of these two flowers may them alike, the stories they tell are different. The first was given to me by a boy I swear I wanted to love. I'm wondering if I'll ever reach a moment where the timing is "right." I hadn't seen him in more than a year and in a way, this was us meeting for the first time again. I'm easily pleased and this single flower lit my face up the same way a whole bouquet would. Holding on to this single flower from months ago may seem strange but to me, it represents the warmth and comfort a single person can provide you with. The reality is things don't always turn out the way you wish for them for them too...but I was thankful to have crossed paths with you. I have no problem taking a different turn on my journey if it means meeting you at the end of the road. The light you bring to my being will always shine.
There were bundles of roses placed on my grandfather's casket the day of his burial. I remember this day vividly and despite the daggers I feel in my chest when I think about it, I want to remember it forever. I've been able to come to terms with the death of my grandfather since March but the thing with grief is one moment it feels light like a feather and the next you feel yourself being suffocated by the weight of it. This single rose represents my sadness, my shaky knees and sweaty palms that day, the tears that have rolled down my face over again, and most of all, the last time I saw his face and held his hand. Holding the flower brings me back to that day. I still feel the pain so intensely but I am now able to smile, too. It's hard when the ones we love leave us. It doesn't feel fair but I'm realizing their presence will always linger. They're here and there with us, we just don't realize it. Being without the physical presence hurts but a spiritual presence can help our grief to feel a little less heavy.
To you, withered flowers may seem like something you'd throw in the trash and a thing to let go of but I hold on to them for the stories they tell, the emotions they keep within them. Life is full of metaphors and dying flowers are another one of those. I am reminded of the ways in which things and people don't actually die. They live on within us and the universe. Planting another flower may bring some joy to my life but the thorns of the flower that came before will still hurt me fro time to time. That's the beauty of life and its highs and lows, there will be thorns to cause hurt but there will be new beginnings that will bloom.
It all lives on with those withered flowers that lay in a glass jar by my bed side. I am unable to let go of some things and holding on to them assures me they will not die.
I started missing you early on.
I started missing you while I was still with you.
I missed you while I was sitting across from you
while your grin still lit up my heart.
I missed you while your mouth was on me
with your tongue sending me into a spiral.
I started missing you when I realized we wouldn't last.
I started letting you go before I left you.
I tried to pretend that that wasn't the case,
I tried to stay oblivious.
I should have left you the first time.
I could have left you the first time,
if I had just let myself face it.
If I had faced the fact that you would only warm my bed for a small portion of my life.
But I stayed long enough for you to latch on
and begin building a home inside of my heart.
It wasn't fair to either of us;
I should have let you go the moment I started missing you,
but I'm a hopeful dreamer.
My kindness in the end hurt us more than it could have.
But I still don't know what that means.
Does that mean I should give up the second I'm unsure?
That jaded lifestyle will leave me lonely.
But I don't want to stay long enough to let it fester,
for my heart to commit another naive suicide.
Your presence may seem a cruel one for life to inflict on me,
but life isn't supposed to be easy.
You ignited a fire in me;
A hungry desire to do better;
One that was seemingly waiting to be lit.
I've learned so much.
You've helped me put things together,
and to find some pieces.
I curse life for breaking my heart like that
But I beg it to do whatever it needs to do
If I need to break
Hundreds of times
To become who it is I want to be
Then so be it
Life should not be bland
I should experience everything there is to
I feel like it's debatable on whether I can survive this
Like if I have to face it again I won't be able to
But I can
And I will
I will grow and become stronger
Though it will cripple me still
Sooner or later I'll begin to know
What to give and what to leave to fate
Though you seem big right now
In comparison to the picture life will paint for me
You are but a small part
To a large masterpiece
They're not better, they're just not your style,
and you'll get better if you do it a while.
Keep on going and get back up,
catch those tears and fill your cup.
You are useful amidst your pain,
take that chaos and make it sane.
Pick a way and carve out your path,
find something calm within your wrath.
You're not the only one, you know,
you can use these things to help you grow.
You can, you can,
I'm looking for something real (with you), but not expecting a single thing. Just hoping that in return someday the feelings can be the same. Yet in between now and then, hope slides away, hides away in a place where no shame is born in here; unafraid to make the right choices and to say all the things I mean to say to you and only you.
It all holds meaning beyond what is said, much further than face value, coming straight from within my own head and deep within my being. Dignity and pride suffice to say the least of what my heart truly sings for you. In rapture, torn between waiting to see where this all goes and finding peace in knowing you're here at all sends me stumbling through the feelings, engulfed in a torrent of know how, deciding; always concluding that the truth is the only key to happiness, even yours. So that's all I ever give you.
and truth be told: just knowing you're in my life at all makes me the happiest man alive, but I would wait forever just to find out whether you'd ever choose to be happy with me as an 'us' - me and you.
Wow you are amazing
You look very sharp today
You came over here so smoothly
You are so clever
You brighten my day whenever I talk to you
You are so good at your job
I can't believe you remember me you are going to go far in life
You are so personable which makes you a great employee
Hey I remember you...You are the guy with all the jokes
Awe you are so cute
You look like you run this place
I am receiving all these amazing compliments but I cant help feeling trapped
Screaming underwater while my lungs fill with water
Trying to swim but the more I try the further I sink