I'm feeling hesitant
To ever fall asleep
Again, let alone tonight
I can't stop wondering
This thing inside a hollow casing
That I call me
Begs for nothing
I can't believe its almost four fifteen
And the sun is already glowing outside my window
I hate you and I just want to be alone....
Why can't I be alone
Its your fault I hate myself, I hate that you exist, get out of me
I don't want to live this
Blazed in crimson over my digital alarm clock
I barely hear the noise, the thoughts crowding out of my head
Fuck you, I just want to be alone
I pry myself up
A headache unrealized blinds me for more than a second
Do I look in the mirror....
Seems like an easy choice, but I still choose wrong
My feet barely keep balance as I stumble over clutter
Things left to remind me of the lack of progression
Head pounding, blood crawling
Life at a standstill
Pass out on the couch, get up hours later
Missed my buss
Better just shoot myself
See you in the twilight,
every night that my eyes are closed.
Your skin glows,
hands as soft as I recall.
Hair is still the same garnet shade-
you look beautiful.
Please, don't go.
I know, it's selfish-
you give life to greenery,
and flowers grow from the ashes.
Sickness no longer ravages your body,
I want you to come back to me-
the stars don't shine the same way,
every cloud remains looking gray-
they took my sunshine away.
Breaths shouldn't run out so young,
my soul wants to speak with your’s.
Where we divide the vicinities of Heaven and Hell,
love of mother and child lasts an infinity.
Met with blue skies above our heads,
greenest grass under our feet.
there's no race in the sands of time,
your heart still beats
& you smile.
This moment ends
and the time spent together transcends
into the unknown,
when the sun glows through my blinds--
I'm left with just the ghost of you.
Mother, I want this sorrow to leave
if you can't come back, please stay in my dreams,
your spirit gleams among the horizon.
I'm trying to balance the wrong and the right in my life.
I am running out of ways to say "I love you" and " thanks for not leaving me all alone when I'm an asshole"
I find myself pushing people away just so I can continue to travel down the road less traveled.
Following the path that has monsters hiding in the trees and demons waiting to pounce from the shadows.
I am wandering. I am exploring.
I have become one with the nomadic spirit that lives inside my heart.
But I cannot remember how it feels to truly LIVE.
He left a long time ago and my friends have picked me up more times than I can count on one hand.
I left myself a long time ago- and my family has picked me up more times than I can count on one hand.
I can't remember what's worse.
The feeling of falling in love or the feeling of losing the one you love.
Because in both situations...
I have lost someone.
I think I'm getting old
I'd much rather be home
Recount my woes all alone
On my phone
Friends invite me out
I know I probably should go
But my bed is so damn comfy
I just have to tell them no
I used to stay out late
Now when I do I miss my bed
When I go out on dates
I wish I was at home instead
Watching Netflix, eating great, checking threads
There must be something wrong inside my head
I used to be wreckless impulsive
I used to imagine like a child
I use to sing and dance and smile
Now everything seems so single filed
This can't be growing up
But is it even possible to refuse
I know you can't escape fate
It's a fight you'll surely lose
I know it's unstoppable just wait
you gotta fill your shoes
Still I think I've got a case
of adulthood blues.
Suffocating on my own hate
when to end
towards a blend
the western sunset
festers as I’m dead inside.
disappear me from this misery!
like a rapture for the others.
make my wings to reflect
this soul of dirt you pushed
upon this decaying body...
upon this heart in an eternal
blackest of the wings, stained of
flowing eternal thru my veins
and out with my soul. this soul
the one your forgot about.
because it never is!
is this my end?
tend to it
like you have NEVER
before when it came to me
Because it never is!
Because I never should have been.
I'm wide awake
And I can't sleep
The only thing on my mind
Just makes me weep
It's 10 at night
And my chest is tight
My feelings just aren't right
There's nothing I can do
I can't fight
I can't go to bed but that would be my highlight
I just lost my high light
My light that shone ever so bright
Yet I lost it
I lost it and it's out of sight
There's nothing I can do to retrieve that light
Nothing about this night brings me any delight
I need something to act as a satellite
No person can do that for me
That's why I write
I'm bawling my eyes out
I'm stalling because of doubt
I want to scream
And I want to shout
But I can't because of the people about
So I sit, sigh and cry in silence
I just want to punch the wall
But I can't result in violence
I have school tomorrow
And I wont be able to sleep
Is it possible to feel any more hollow?
My battery is slowly draining
But I have to be more constraining
And do the best with what's remaining
But my bones can't stop aching and straining
Let's stop blaming because that's not entertaining
But my hope is waning
My arms are weak and shaking
My whole body is quaking
I want to be loud and let it out
But I can't because I don't want anybody waking
I guess life is just one big painting
You are the artist
The world is your canvas
But sometimes when things don't go your way
You have to improvise
And when you improvise
Your original idea, to your surprise
Was not as good as when you improvised
So I exercise knowing I lost the biggest prize
And when I do that it takes my mind off her beautiful eyes
And other feelings besides the emotional pain begin to rise
I just need to take my mind off the butterflies
I need to do whatever it takes to make my mind randomize
Instead of categorize
All the feelings she gave me inside
I never felt so alive
But it's over now
I just have to survive tonight and try not to recite the past
But I know I will anyways because the feelings were real
With her everything was electrified and maximized
Not a single thing was televised
She was my paradise
She left me mesmerized
But I rolled the dice
And I lost
And all I do is want to apologize
But she left me
So I have to get rid of the envy
So I don't end up crying next time she sits next to me
But all these feelings are heavy
And being her best friend
I'm not ready
I hope she can understand
Because being close to her already
That will be deadly to me
So I just have to take my mind off of it gently
And call it a night
But I can't sleep
So I'll have to call it a write
I fear that winter break won't be the only cold front that I face
The holidays will roll around and you will still need more space
I fear that it's not what you say, but what you don't
That is truly telling.
I look at your face. It's not the same
There's a certain kind of love that's missing
What do you do when your one best friend is the one person you can't talk to?
Jesus! All you ever say is, "I'm sorry..." & "Time helps"
And my favorite, "We'll still be great friends, Ashby"
You're such a terrible friend
Your advice is lacking any empathy
And your care is nonexistant.
If we don't have love
And we don't have friendship
What do we have left?
I'm terrified to ask such a question.
I've been doing my part fine
I've been staying in the lines
That go against every fiber of my being
I don't know what to think anymore
Except that you want nothing more
You don't want us
You don't want we
You just want you...
I just want answers to questions I've already asked
Shaken off and given little thought
You say you want what's best
But what I really think
Is that you are a coward.
You're too afraid to be the bastard in this relationship.
But guess what?
You already are.