I’ve started sharing my poetry,
and I think I’ve concerned a few—
friends, family—
they didn’t see the blue, blue, blue
sadness
that sits quietly in my lingering,
spilling out in these poems.

It was never my goal,
but the sadness likes to speak,
wants to say what is true:
that the sadness still exists,
a deep, deep
blue, blue, blue.

Look at you go—
you did not leave alone.
You took my sweet heart,
which overflows with love.

You took away my smile;
it's hidden under a bed of thorns.

Look at you go—
you did not leave alone.
My body floats around you.
Remember the way you held me?
My hair still flies
with the Bombay winds.

Look at you go—
you didn’t turn back to see
the blood, the sweat, and my guts
poured out like the sea.

The only words that I speak
are of you leaving me.

perfect reality 5.24.25 (1:54 pm / 13:54)
there is never a perfect reality
however much i wish for it

it’s like a painting and i’m trying to figure out what’s wrong,
just tell me,
help me make it right

maybe there are too many shadows
maybe the skyscrapers really do touch the clouds
i’m not sure but my brush can’t make it okay,

i’m on my knees now,
i don’t know why
it’s just all all all so wrong

have you ever felt so sad you can’t breathe
have your ribs and your chest and your heart
ever hurt so much
that they eventually go numb
because you just can’t take it anymore

have you ever taken a razor to your arm
because you want so badly to feel pain
you can understand
instead of aimless blind sadness

has it ever hurt for you
in your perfect reality

Used to play hide and seek
With emotions
That made me "weak"

They counted
Only to ten
Not much time to hide
So they always caught up
And found me
In the bathtub

Over time
They knew all spots
I used for hiding
They always find me

They make no noise
Walk on their tippy toes
Silent shadows
In endless rows

I don't want to play
But for them
Even when it's over
The game never ends

Let our hairs tangle, let our souls collide.
I don't ever want to lose you – not even on the other side.
Let our fingers merge, let our heartbeats align.
You're always on my mind, every second, every time.

And the thought of you with someone new
Makes me sick, deep down to the bone.
I'll never forget the scent of you,
I don't ever want to feel alone.

I'm learning, I'm trying -
'Cause I want it to be you.
I hide my sadness through laughter and lying,
But my love for you is honest and true.

I am fine, I am fine,
Though I get sad all the time.
Laughing and crying in the rain,
Hiding every piece of pain.

I am fine, I am good,
I love every piece of you.
You’ll never be misunderstood -
I just wish you saw my view.

I am fine, I am fine,
I really am, this time.
And it's all because you're near,
Standing by me, crystal clear.

Like a stone inside my shoe,
Memories always haunt me.
No matter what path I pursue,
The past walks close behind me.

I am fine - or maybe not,
Still trying to figure that out.
Talking feelings ties my throat in a knot,
So tight I can’t even shout.

Maybe I'm not so fine,
But at least you're in my arms.
You make the whole world shine,
Help me forget those self-harms.

But I’m fine. I know I’ll be.
I forget this world is sick -
It hides and hurts so carefully,
Like a shadow, like a trick.

I’ll never leave your side,
Even when it all gets rough.
Please be my guide -
Through life, through love, through all that’s tough.