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As I hear
The roar
Of a jet enegine
I look up and
See a Boeing 777
Take off
The ultimate freedom.
Moving the Himalayas asap.
Stuck in Ottawa ****** up Canada .
I hate it.
I hate everyone.
Everyone but my parents
And workers
For I am not free
It might be said:

I love the hate
Of haste,
Of viscous cruelty,
Of bitter-sweet taste.

I have lived on,
And cannot seem to recover
The judicious need to bother,
To despise,
Yet to interact,
With the person merely responsible for their horrendous act...

My devastation, depression, detention,
From the life I once considered my own, developing legion,
Of friends who hated,
Of enemies who loved...
As the retrieval of a memory you couldn’t remember with cohesion.
They’re all going. Every last one of them.
A poignant notion of life.
Sad boys
Lori 4h
I take deep breathes
None that will stop my endless tears
And none that will heal my broken heart
I try to speak, call out for help
But my voice cracks as every word leaving my body comes out broken
and it is painful for me to know that as I try to reach out I get chained to the ground
And it is painful for me to know that no one will even try to glue together all my broken pieces
And what is painful to know is that in the universe of happiness and hope i am sitting on the ground of my bathroom at 1 a.m. crying myself to sleep
So again i try to take deep breathes
I try to hold on to that only speck of happiness i can find in this entity of sadness and brokeness
But yet again i fail
I fail to save myself from myself
I fail to smile
And dare i say i fail to live
I am a whole unit of hurt
Percocet
*******
Xanax
OxyNEO

And god knows what else.
You keep telling me “I’m not high I swear! I’m just tired”
But your lips are tinged blue, you have salvia in the creases of your mouth, your body is frail and sickly looking, your skin so white it’s almost transparent. Your eyes are swollen, glossy, and gaunt, your cheeks are sunken, your hair is tangled and unwashed.

“I’m not high I swear!”

But I don’t believe you. How many times have you said that to me only to confess later that you were, that you found a pill and didn’t have the self control not to take it.

“I’m not high I swear”

Yet you randomly smack your head, blurt out random words and nonsense, forget entire conversations, fall asleep mid sentence.

You said you were clean. But the very next day I get a call telling me that you’ve been arrested for a DUI, you had Xanax and Oxyneos in your toxicology report.

I’m afraid to answer my phone when it rings, I always fear it will be the call that tells me you’ve overdosed.

You said “I don’t need to go to rehab, I can quit myself”
But if that were true, you’d be clean by now. It’s been over a year since you told me you were addicted to pills.
At first it was just a perc or two, and now you are a full blown opioid abuser.

You’ve become the thing you hated most. An addict that can’t admit that they have a problem.

“Im not high I swear”

I can’t count how many times you’ve said that, how many times you lied to my face. So many times I never want to hear those words come out of your mouth again.
But I know I will, and I know I’ll go home and cry after and pray to god you wake up tomorrow.

I just want my best friend back, the kind and honest loving girl you use to be.
I’m tired of the you you’ve become.
The girl that lies, that steals, that is wasting away.

If only you never took that first pill.
Addiction steals everything.
Sadness
I feel empty
The tears stream down
Plotting a victory
Nothing seems to take shape
The glass has shattered
My memories bring me guilt and shame
My memories drive my pain away
My memories make me feel awake
My memories forever a good thing

Peachy to the taste
If this makes sense
I have yet to understand true bliss
Love I felt years ago
Reciprocated no more
With a shhh and a blow
Taken away without lifting a finger
This is the most hollow I have felt
1, 2, 3, 4....all have left
Put down with a promise ring
Forever lost in the endless sea
My heart has skipped a beat and flown high
The difference is I am still down on earth
Wishing I could fly
Far from my agony, far from the dust
Nothing seems to matter these days
Why do I have such luck
Waiting for my big break but weighted down
You all see my smiling...inside I frown
I hate the world today
My life isn’t a mess
I just want my brain to take a small rest
I feel empty
The cave is full
My emotions, life, ego
My heart has once again fallen
Not the way you think
I ache with grief regretting my past everything
It is a wrap....nothing will bring you back after you take this step. Rings and fingers seems so silly....silly...so
Silly
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