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Brianna Aug 2017
You're like whiskey-
bitter and filled with sorrow-
me too.
Brianna Oct 2015
I wanted to drown in your love.
I wanted to drown in your pain.
I mostly just wanted to drown out the sound of you saying we weren't compatible anymore.

It took me a long time and a lot of rage and self loathing to get to where I am now.
To get me to a point where I can say that my self esteem issues didn't ruin "us" but that you're lack of trust in love did.

I wanted to be ignited by your love.
I wanted to be ignited by your pain.
Mostly I wanted to ignite the fire that used to burn inside you with such intensity and joy for life.

Once I realized you would never admit your faults and you would find any possible way to watch me suffer; it was time to move on.
But each time around the start of fall till the end of winter... I dream about you endlessly.

I wanted to slow down Your love.
I wanted to slow down your pain.
Mostly... I wanted to slow down time and stop us so we had time to figure out who we were together instead of damaging each other apart.

It took a lot of rage and self loathing.
It took a lot of tears and anxiety.
But I'm finally standing taller than ever and I can easily say it was not my self esteem that made us incompatible.
Brianna Jun 2014
It's 2 am.
Babysitting and watching old Disney movies-- nostalgia.

It's 2 am.
I can't think of anything but How I Met Your Mother.-- nothing good happens after 2 am.

It's 2 am.
Sending flirty texts to boys I just want *** from-- unacceptable from a girl right society?

It's 2am.
Why am I awake?
Brianna May 2014
I can't help but wonder why we are pretending like it's Woodstock and 1969 all over again?

We pretend we know something about peace.
We act like we understand what it's like to be women and have no rights.
(Ladies you have more rights than you think you do)
We act like we know how the men and women in war feel when they come home to protesters and hatred.
(Stop hating on people who are risking their lives to save our country!)

***, drugs, rock n roll.
Peace and love.

We don't know anything.
We are so young and naive.

I am the same as the rest of you.,
I pretend like equality and legalizing drugs will make this world different, but it won't.
I like the idea of peace and love.
I love *** and rock n roll.

But I'm just a ****** up kid from the 90's.
I love too much.
I live too fast.
I'll die to young.
I like the idea of weaving flower in my hair & I love the Beatles.

Maybe 2014 is 1969 in a more obscene fashion?
Not sure where this came from.
I'm really not political or invoked in feminism don't hate on me. Just trying something new!!!
Brianna Dec 2014
I swallowed 36 pills today and just laid down ready to die.
You told me my sadness was beautiful... Like a flower drowning in the rain.

I laughed... Because all 36 pills were evenly counted out for the things that made me feel this way.

1. For the headaches, the nightmares and the lack of sleep.
2 for the memories of you kissing me.
3 for the heartache, the way I watched you walk off with her under your arm.
4 for the screaming, the fighting over my weight each day.
5 for the way my family just never understood the way I didn't wanna talk about my feelings.
6. For the long nights I cried myself to sleep for being so **** no one would want me.
7. For the days I didn't think I would survive at work with a mental breakdown.
8. And last but not least, for the way I could never make myself stop worrying about everything. The way I couldn't figure out my future. The way i couldn't stop hating my entire existence.

36 pills hand counted and evenly distributed down the back of my throat.

Do you still think sadness is beautiful?
Brianna Dec 2013
About 23 days ago I remembered why I hated December so much.
It was your touch..
It was your eyes.
It was your soft, condescending, beautiful voice.
It was you.
I woke up to snow in the front lawn and I saw dark grey clouds above; it was as if they knew.
Your birthday is in 5 days and every year I used to call you and tell you how much you meant to me but this year.... This year I won't be calling.
See you forgot my birthday.
You forgot how much you cares about me.
Frankly, you forgot about me.
About 23 days ago I remembered how hard this time of year gets for me but I think I'm going to be okay...
Because it's 5  days away from your birthday and I haven't cried.
It's 2 days away from Christmas and I'm still alive.
And it's 1 hour before I pass out and finally get a peaceful night of sleep knowing I'm going to be okay...
I just have to make it through December and the new year and I'll be okay... Life will move on.
Brianna Oct 2017
When it's not so sad anymore I will show pictures of us to my future children.
I keep them hidden in 7 different folders on my computer to try and hide them from myself so I don't get weak and want to look at the better days.

I deleted you from social media, I blocked you, but as we all know that's a temporary solution to the bigger problem.
I always find love for you even when I hate you deep down inside- hidden under 7 layers of skin and memories.

When it's not so sad anymore I almost wish we would run into each other on the streets.
Maybe it won't be so awkward, I'll have moved on and you'll have moved on but maybe there will be a small spark still there.

When it's not so sad anymore, I will eventually delete those pictures from my memory and my computer.
I will find a way to permanently erase your love one of these days... maybe 7 months from now, maybe 7 years from now... someday.
Brianna Feb 2018
The summer in Texas took everything it could from me -- my confidence, my soul, and all the sweat my body could produce.
But it also showed me happiness.
It showed me lake days and laughter, drinking in the sand with my best friend, and searching for alligators in a swamp.

It showed me that  sometimes you need to go to Louisiana and gamble until 3 am then drive three hours back home.
Reminiscing about your youth and making new inside jokes to talk about later.

The summer in Texas showed me good food and country music is something I didn't know I was missing from my life.
Showed me dancing on rooftops and art all over downtown Dallas and in Austin too.

This was a year I will never forget-- dreaming of new beginnings and spending a year with my best friend just being twenty something year old for the first time in our life.

A year spent remembering who we are and trying to grow instead of putting ourselves down.
Brianna May 2017
I went on a walk today and as I looked to and fro between the breezy tree's and the sun shining against my pale white skin-- I realized you are not even thinking about me.

On this almost summer day, I walked for a little bit.
I let the air soak into my skin, I let the sun brighten my hair, and I let the weather affect me in the best way. I decided to let the earth have it's way with me for once.

I took a step into the gate where the pool laid silently and alone in my apartment complex. I slipped off those sandals I knew you hated when I wore them, and I smiled. I slipped off that **** kimono I knew you hated and I laughed.

Because for that moment... that single second of me stepping into the cool water on that hot almost summer day... I didn't give you a second thought.  I didn't care about the things you hated about me. I didn't care about the things you loved about me.

I took a sip of the sparkling red wine I bought a few days ago, I sat in the pool, hair  up in a messy bun, water and sun  rejuvenating my body and soul in a way that you will never understand.

I sat there... and I thought... this is it.
This is how it feels to let negativity flow out of you and let love for yourself slowly in.
Brianna Oct 2014
It will always be you at two in the afternoon when my wandering mind finds your face.

It will always be you in the moon in the middle of the night when I toss and turn waking to an empty side of the bed.

It will always be you when my heart stops beating and my words start repeating the things you used to say.

It will always be you that cold drink of water in the summer when it gets hotter and I want your ice cold charm.

It will always be you at two in the morning the memories of your obnoxious snoring and the way you played it cool.

It will always be you I hope and I pray you'll show up back at my door, where I'll kiss you and tell you to stay.

It will always be you... No matter how hard I try to forget and move on... You will always be there in the back of my mind.

It will always be you.
Brianna Feb 2018
We drink to forget the day to day routine's we have locked ourselves into.
We drink to remember the better days but if we drink too much it just makes it worse.
We drink to get rid of the nerves and hope it makes us charming and funny.

He asked me out for drink; so we drank.
He was beautiful in a classy way.
I loved his hair and those bright eyes and the drinks made him funnier then he was but I liked how he tried.

He told me stories about Christmas when he was ten.
He told me about his scars and his weird quirks people don't tend to notice.

He asked me for drinks and so, I drank.
I didn't tell him about Christmas when I was ten because my Christmas was filled with anger and screaming from my mother.
I didn't tell him about my scars because they came from drunken nights and fights with myself.
I didn't tell him about my quirks because I didn't have to tell him, he just seemed to know.

He told me I was quiet, something no one has ever told me before.
I smiled shyly and ordered another drink.
He grabbed my hand at the bar and I thought, wow, this is nice.

I also thought... how sad that a simple gesture can make me so self conscience and so sad.
How holding a beautiful, nice, and funny mans hand makes me think I am unworthy of such love.

And, so, I drank.
To forget.
To remember.
To... try and not self sabotage the possibility of a love that could last.
Brianna Sep 2017
I'm sorry, but,  I think I lost the set of rules that said I wasn't allowed to pick up the phone and call you when I felt like It.
I'm sorry, but, I think I lost the rule book that said I was only allowed to text you every two days or so.

We are in the new.
We are the modern dating - the **** dating- the "I like you right now but maybe not tomorrow" dating.
We are in the "I think I'm in love with you but don't actually know you" dating.

Maybe I'm a little pessimistic and sad and a little *******.
Maybe I'm just tired of my heart getting destroyed.
Maybe I just want someone to really get to know me instead of asking to see my ****.

I'm sorry, but, maybe you didn't get it when I said I wanted something real- no games, no playing around.
I'm sorry, but, maybe you didn't hear me when I said I want to get to know you or maybe you just ignored that part.

We are the new.
We are the Modern.
We are the ******* "Millennials"  everyone talks **** about.
Brianna Oct 2017
We felt lost and we felt confused but we pushed through.
It was a cool autumn breeze- it smelled like apple cider and dead leaves.
It was brisk so we huddled together for warmth- your red cheeks mixed with mine so perfectly.

There was something about the way you hunched your shoulders- the lack of confidence when you should have had more was adorable.
There was something about the way your lips looked when you talked- I just wanted to kiss you so bad that day.

The sunset was  orange and yellow with hints of pink- the storm was on the way but we held tight.
I lost my nerve when you held my hand on the way back to the car.
You smiled and I smiled... and it was just so simple.
Brianna Feb 2018
There were nightmares about you and then there were dreams that made me cry with joy.
You had the most perfect smile.
You had the most perfect net to catch me in.

There were memories flooding my brain every night and then there was the moment I thought I could swim to the top of them only to drown.
You were making it hard to breathe.
You were making it hard to let you go.

I wanted so badly to run to the other side of the country and demand that you hashed things out with me.
I wanted to use a couple plays from your book of tricks but I knew that my plays would be flawed and we would lose the game.

My friends told me I was too angry to start discussing things right now.
My friends told me I was too impulsive and maybe they were right.

But, baby, love makes you do crazy things.
And, baby, I am crazy about you.
Brianna Jun 2014
Clean endings never exist and I can't breathe when you're around.
I get stupid; I get dizzy.

You're like a bad taste in my mouth, I'm doing everything I can to clean you out.
You're every ****** word on the tip of my tongue.

Wounded birds have more fight left in them than I have standing in front of you today. I am a wimp in my own sense and fashion.

I can't think when you're around.
Do you understand the emotional breakdowns that go on inside my mind when you're around?

It feels like a blind person trying to read a book. Like a roller coaster flying off the tracks.

I love you more than I can explain in any sense. So much that I need to you get away from me before I end up insane.
Brianna Oct 2015
This is to the wild hearts who can't be tamed. To the strong ones who will never fall due to someone else's insecurities trying to bring them down. To the beautiful ones because looks are not what makes you beautiful.

This is to the soft spoken ones, the ones who let people walk all over them because they have anxiety and hate confrontation. To the ones who hide behind books and movies, because who wouldn't want to live in a fairytale world? To the soft spoken ones who laugh under their breaths when their friends smile. The ones who hide their emotions you aren't sure if they hate you or love you!

This is to the "you're to ******* loud" ones! The ones who scream and laugh and cheer on their soft spoken friends! The ones who sometimes need a little hand in being quieter. The sarcastic ones! The *******! To the "resting ***** face" ones!

This is to the interesting ones. The artistic and weird ones. The ones who write those novels you read and paint those pictures you love. The ones who smile at funerals and cry during weddings. The metal heads and the country kids. To the Disney lovers and the kids who wear pink on Wednesdays!

Be you.
I love you all! Be weird and be free!
Be proud! Be young! Be old! Be wild!
Brianna Jan 2014
I want to go back to when I could curl up in bed and Disney movies would make everything feel better.
I could watch Peter Pan and feel as though Neverland was around the corner waiting for me.
As though all the princesses really got to live happily ever after and I didn't know that their lives were probably ****.
Take me back to when I didn't have bills.
Or rent.
Or work.

Take me back to when happiness was a simple crayon drawing of the sky and some grass. When stick figures were considered great art!

I want to go back to before I knew what heartbreak was. Or how hard it was falling in and out of love. Before I knew that boys meant something more than just playing dodgeball with and girls were more than just a pretty face they actually had your back.

I don't know how I ever thought being a kid was so hard when being an adult is so much harder and much more sad than being a kid ever was....
I have never felt this lonely before
Brianna Oct 2017
You will find me in this darkened room with caffeine and nicotine damaging my body.
You can find me with ink stains on my fingertips and note books filled with art of my youth- drawings, poetry, stories, journal entries to remember my past.
I won't apologize for being me- curious, wild, and beyond normal repair.
I won't apologize for dreaming- wishing, memorizing the way your lips tasted, imaging your eyes.

You'll find me with a bottle of wine leaning against my turquoise colored wall singing songs of my youth.
You can find me lighting candles in the rain and opening all the windows not giving a **** about the damage it will have on my apartment.

I won't apologize for being me.
Brianna Aug 2017
I have tattoos all over my body but you can't see them all.
They are the words that everyone has ever used against me permanently embedded into my skin.
The judging stares and wandering eyes that make me want to cover my body and hide away.
If you could see them you wouldn't look at me the same ever again.

Heartless- Bold and Italicized across my chest.
Regret- Hidden behind the back of my neck
Fat- Underlined across my stomach
Desperate- Beautifully written between my thighs
Lonely, Pathetic- split between my wrists

The words you keep saying, the words you pretend you don't mean are covering me.
The hatred I feel towards myself can never be fully seen.
If I even opened myself up just little more for you too see you would look away with pity and shame.

Remember this the next time you tell me you regret having me.
Remember this the next time you tell me I am heartless or fat or ****.
Remember this the next time you tell me my self esteem has ruined my relationships.

Because just beneath the surface lies the art that isn't shown to the world.
Brianna May 2014
There wasn't much left to do but drink the night away; just me and this bottle of ***.

I seemed to have blurred the lines from being 18 and happy to 22 and ready to drink myself to death.

I am not sure how I got here, maybe years of hiding sadness, who knows really?
Brianna Mar 2015
You said I was pretty -- in a not so average kind of way.
You said I shined-- but not as bright as the sun.

You said a lot of things I can't quite get out of my head.
You meant a lot of things... I can't quite pin which one meant the most.

But you are like coffee- bitter and somewhat sweet when I add a little sugar.
You are you... And I'm still learning to accept this.
Brianna Feb 2014
I just stare down at white lines on blank pages and whisper the only words I have ever know: I love you.

We fell asleep under the blurry night sky with old light above us and new light down the road.

We made love under palm trees listening to each other breaths in sync with the soft breeze of the ocean near by.

With skin touching and bodies uniting we became one and as if cliches weren't enough I fell in love.

With your rough hands caressing mine. With those blue skies you call eyes. With lips so red like sweet cherries on my tongue.

We entered the summer with such romance; such passion for being so young and naive. You took me for the fool I was and left me in the winter for a far more interesting adventure.

And as I sit staring at this blank piece of paper I wanted to fill with words of anger I will write the only thing I have ever know to be true: I love you.
Brianna Jun 2014
You're boring.
You're  obscene,
You're tiring...
And you're ******* mean.
Brianna May 2014
I raced to the bottle looking for a familiar face, a familiar place, but I found just liquid courage.
I can't remember the last time my pants fit the right way, always too big, sometimes too small.
They said I look different. My eyes a little more red, my hair a little less clean.
I raced to the edge of the hilltop looking for a familiar face, a familiar place, but found only suicidal memories.
I can't remember the last time I cried this hard. Always thinking about the past and how many mistakes I've made instead of how far I've come.
They said I act different. A little more sad, a little less happy.
I raced to the bottle looking for a familiar face, a familiar place, and found the emptiness I felt inside.
Brianna Jan 2015
I wanted your bright green eyes.
I wanted them right when you woke up; when they were still foggy from last nights dreams.

I wanted them when you fell in love; not with me, but with your passions.

I wanted them when you were angry... When you stared at me hard and cold knowing I couldn't dare stare back.

I wanted them when you looked at yourself in the mirror, never seeing what I saw in you.

I wanted them mostly when you told me you loved me... Because they got sad and compassionate...

And I wanted them when you told me you always thought about me, but that it wasn't going to work out.

I wanted your bright green eyes.
Brianna May 2014
There is something brilliant hidden under the words you say when you're mad.

When you say "I"... You say it was such conviction! Such passion is in that one letter making it know that YOU are serious.
When you say "don't" you start to lose that edge and I can hear you shaking under your breath... Not as convincing here.
When you say "love"... I hear pain. Nothing but sad, unnerving pain. I almost can't handle it.
When you say "you"... I can't tell if you are talking to me or yourself. You have at this point lost me on whether you're serious or not..
When you say "anymore"... This is when I have officially stopping believing anything you say. You've at this point started looking at your shoes as though they know the answer.

And when you say "I don't love you anymore"... Then I would have to assume you probably don't love me anymore.
Brianna Dec 2013
I hate the color brown.
I hate my brown hair when I had it and I hated that my eyes were brown when I was younger.
I can't stand the leaves that are now brown or this desert town so dry and brown.
It's the saddest color.
Brown screams earthy to people and to me I just see nothing but dull and useless.
Everything today has been brown...
And it could be psychological of course... It's probably just me being cynically of course!
I really hate the color brown.
Today is a bad flipping day.
Brianna Oct 2015
Can I just take a minute to vent?

It's not often I think about you these days or the way your eyes drew me in every time. I don't like to think how your birthday is in 2 months and I'm going to pretend i forgot.

It's not often I think about the way you used to kiss every part of my body playfully. I don't like to think about the way your fingers felt in my hair.

Can I just take a minute to vent?

It was one of those days where I thought about how much fun and how many experiences we could have had. The day where I wondered if you're smiling at some cute girl the way you used to smile at me.

It was one of those days where I realized you didn't smile with me the same way I smiled when I was with you. That my thoughts were always more expansive and wider than yours when it came to us.

Can I just take a minute to vent?

It's not often I think about you these days... But something in the weather has me missing the Carolina's and wondering how you sleep at night.

Something has me wondering if you ever stay up a little later than usual and think about what could have happened if you had stopped wondering about the "what ifs..."

But don't worry... I just needed to vent for a minute.
Brianna Jun 2017
Alright, I'll admit it, I was wrong and you were right.
We were sitting there pulling at the knots that were much too tight.
Alright, I'll admit it, you were right.
I was trying to find darkness when there was only light.

So, yeah, maybe I was wrong.
But we knew this would fall apart all along.
So, yeah, maybe I was wrong.
But you always knew I was never that strong.

Okay, you caught me in the lie.
I was sitting with him while you were at home begging to try.
Okay, you caught me in the lie.
I was telling him I loved him while you tried not to cry.

Yes, I know, Sorry won't cut it this time.
Because I'm over here trying to apologize in a rhyme.
Yes, I know, Sorry won't cut it this time..
This mountain was just too big for me to climb.

Alright, I'll admit it, maybe I was wrong and you were right...
So... yeah... maybe I was wrong...
And ... okay you caught me in the lie.
but yes, I know, Sorry wont cut it this time...
Brianna Nov 2017
You were gold
You were green
You were the chameleon in my dreams.

You were bright
You were beautiful
You were ripping apart at the seams.

You were simple
You were smart
You were sneaking off into the dark.

You were confused
You were content
You were the ember to my spark.

You were there
Then you were gone
You were the dream I didn't want to wake from.
Brianna May 2017
It was warm when I arrived in that big city- a suitcase and my purse are the only legacies I had left to my name.
I could start over here.
I could be someone new here.

My driver was a nice man from Delaware- he told me that the city was old and that I was brave for traveling so far alone.
He was a kind man.
He told me the weather was going to change soon.
He knew nothing about me... I don't think I knew anything about me.

We got to this broke down apartment over in West Philadelphia.
I remember thinking... this can't be the right address.
But it was and that was just the beginning to my endless self struggle.
I thought I could start over here.

The weather changed fast- overnight it was freezing and I was struggling to find warm enough clothes.
I remember thinking... how the **** can anyone live here?
I remember thinking ... how the **** am I going to make it here?

I learned a lot about myself that month I spent in the city.
I learned how to take a subway, how to take a bus, who to talk too and who to avoid.
I learned I can survive being alone.
I also learned.... you can't run from yourself.

You can't change as quickly as the weather.
Brianna Mar 2015
I can't wait to fall in love with cheap whiskey and sleep in tents near the sea.
To walk in meadows so high I don't have worry about where to ***.
I'm a ****** mess made of ****** beer and cigarettes.
I walked the land of the dead to come home turn around and go back.

I can't wait to fall in love with blue skies and trees of green.
To spread my soul to everyone to show just what I mean.
I'm a tangled lullaby that get stuck on your tongue after a long day.
I walked home from Paris to find him cheating so i turned around and went back.

I can't wait to fall in love with the fact that I'm 23 and no one likes that.
That my adult like mentality is clashing with my childlike dreams.
I'm falling apart so naturally and my desire for escape comes easily.
I walked home to find my soul was flying away, so I went with her.
I don't even smoke.
Brianna Aug 2014
I want to be your sunset eyes, those blue skies, you're perfect starry night.
I want to be the shore kissed by the sea, I want to have everything causally, I want you and me.
I want to be the waves when they dance alone, the midnight tone, I want to be your back bone.
I want to be your perfect scent, your missed rent, those days you feel you need to repent.
I want you to listen to these cheesy rhymes, feeding me these sweet lines, be together all the time.
I want to be your dark brown hair, the place back when we didn't care, the memories only we share.

I want you in all the ways I can say.
I'll want you forever and always each and every day.
Brianna Jan 2014
The snow fell around two and I sat in the window of my favorite coffee shop watching everyone run from the storm that had already started; they ran as if they were late for something very important. I knew I should have walked home but I was enjoying the silence that fell around me as the shop started to closing up and everyone started gathering their books and getting warm drinks to go. I was never one for the simple things in life; I am always too complicated for that. But there was something brilliantly peaceful in the way the snow fell so softly and so quietly I had to take a minute to enjoy Mother Nature at her finest  hour. I think a lot about home these days... And I wonder about you from time to time. I think about your warm hands and soft eyes... Kind of like the snow outside. And I think about how we don't talk anymore and that's really okay. The barista came over, he had such a shy manner about him I found rather adorable, and said they would be closing in ten. I smiled my best smile and told him i would be out in five and cause no trouble in the process. He laughed as he told me no rush.  I think about home a lot these days... And I wonder about you from time to time.... But things are looking up! How could they not in this city of lost love?
Brianna Oct 2017
Closure came like the Winter.
I expected it but at the same time I was unprepared rushing to find a jacket for this cold that all of a sudden consumed my body.

He didn't have any answers so I learned to fix the locks without him.
I kept his excuses to throw out when Spring came around.

I had to learn to accept the bad days when I was confused and scared and all alone.
I had to learn how to accept that he would never give me the answers I was actually trying to get from myself.
I had to learn how to find the warrior inside me because sometimes love makes you weak and that's okay for a while.

Closure came like the Winter.
It left everything around me dead inside so that I could bloom again in the Spring.
Brianna Dec 2014
You're a cold walk in December when it's snowing and I forgot my coat.
When I'm shaking and shivering running into Walgreens because their heater is on.

You're a brisk wind and a fast paced argument that happens on a Sunday afternoon in church.
You cursed in front of your god for me not believing your beliefs.

You're a Saturday afternoon breakfast because I woke up to late and hungover.
When the food got cold because I couldn't find the asprin and broke down in tears on my kitchen floor.

See you're the reason I fell in love and the reason I drink to much of the hard stuff instead of tea.
But you don't understand that yet, which is why you still watch cartoons Saturday morning, and I cry alone in bed.

You're a cold walk in  December  when it's snowing....
Brianna Jun 2017
I saw Blue-- Blue skies and blue eyes.
Blueberries and Blue sheets.

I saw Red-- Red cheeks and Red lips.
Red shirts and bright Red Strawberries.

I saw Brown-- Brown Sand and Brown hair.
Brown shoes and that Brown carpet.

I remember thinking-- "I am more than this one night...I am more than his eyes all over me."
I remember thinking-- "I don't care... His lips taste sweet and his hair is so soft through my fingers."
I remember saying -- " Come with me to your bed where we can roll in the blue sheets as though were swimming in the sea."

I ripped off that Red shirt.
I fell slowly, naked, against his cold, Blue sheets.
And  I ran my fingers through his dark Brown hair-- thinking this... this is what love should feel like.
Brianna May 2015
Cigarette ash on the dashboard on the way to confession-- I fell in love with a stranger down the street.

I never go to church, never been one to admit to god I was wrong or he was right.  I wouldn't say I'm much of a believer in the unknown.

I never say my prayers. Figured if the moment was right maybe something would finally work in my favor.

He walked by in tight red pants and a black button up shirt. Sunglasses on and slicked back hair.

And I swear in that moment... I headed to church to say my prayers and confess that I think the stranger was the love of my life.

Cigarette ash on the dashboard on the way to confession-- I fell in love with the stranger down the street.
Brianna Oct 2015
I am cursing the rain in bright black and grey ink in beautiful cursive writing. I know you're questioning how black and grey can be bright but If you don't know, you'll never know.

I am painting sunsets on canvas but with pastels instead of neons. It's almost a bit too sad instead of a bit to happy; so fitting for a sun that's disappearing, right ?

I am swallowing pills mixing them with liquor, testing out theories to see if I can find the right way to write. All I see is blurry candle light and a dragon on my wall telling me my writing *****.

And it's sad to think how pessimistic this poem started but how within a 15 minute drive home I've come to see....

That all the rain cleared up the night sky and out came those glimmering ***** of fire we call stars. I've caught myself staring but I always have different emotions with each glance.

Tonight..I guess the world isn't so sad after all.
Brianna May 2016
I like the curves of your shoulders and the strength in your spine.
I like the softness in your lips but the roughness in your hands.
I like the sparkle in your eyes and the sarcasm in your smile.

I like the pieces of you that you hide away under layers of thick skin.
The sadness you try to hide when you bite your lip and look left.
The laughter you feel when you shake your head and glance down.
The irritations you know when you roll your eyes up and to the right.

I like those things more than you'll ever know. But the things I love about you could never be explained in poetry.
Brianna May 2017
We find ourselves always stuck in the between- the middle of a breakdown, the middle of a fight, the middle of a decision.
In the grey's instead of the blacks and whites of life.
In the undeveloped part of the film; the damaged part of the film.

Have you ever sat in the middle of your living room with a bottle of wine  and the windows slightly open in the middle of winter thinking about life?
I have.
Have you ever sat in the middle of the street in the middle of the night and wished silently to yourself this would all end if one car just turned that corner?
I have.

There's that word again... "Middle"
Which is such an **** word the more I sit here and type it.
I want to be at the beginning of something.
I would even settle for the end of something just so I could restart again.

I have a hard time focusing on the present, which is also the middle of your life.
I'm always stuck in the past or wishing for the future...
Then again... I am the damaged part of the film.

I am the negatives that will not get developed for another couple years.
Brianna Jun 2014
I loved him carefully; from afar I liked to watch him grow into the man I knew today.
I loved him carefully; I watched his moods making sure the outrage stayed as far away from me as I could.
I loved him easily... It wasn't hard when his green eyes watched your every move and his lips held pretty words that danced through my ears.

But he loved me recklessly; he came at me with full speed ahead on marriage and lack of trust.
He loved me dangerously; so much that became afraid to love me at all for fear I would be his all.

I loved him carefully and it was too easy to fall apart when he walked away.
He loved me recklessly and it had become to dangerous for him to keep me around.
Brianna Aug 2017
You are the fire escape on the side of our apartments - climbing up and down, hair blowing in the breeze-
You are the burnt edge of this film I keep staring at hoping to find you in this room instead of this photograph-
Dark alley ways are for the bad girls you told me once-
Dark alley ways are all we have left of that night-

your lips dancing across mine, your hand in my hair, the blurred self portrait we took lying naked in bed-
intertwined, mixing skin with sheets, mixing sweat with saliva ; kiss me like you mean it boy-
Dark and devilish thoughts are what keep girls like me awake at night you told me once-
Dark thoughts are the only sensual thoughts I have left of you-

You are the hurricane that's forming in the gulf; waiting to destroy what's left of the coast-
You are the fire burning the rest of our photos except this one i hold in my hands-
Dark rooms are for the insecure lovers you told me once-
Dark rooms are what I have left of the secrets you left behind-

Black and white film, colored dreams, and memories clashing with reality-
Dark thoughts about dark alleys and dark rooms are what you left me with-
Brianna Sep 2015
See here's the thing is this new guy is trying to tell me I'm  beautiful and I'm pretty and everything and more.

See he told me I'm interesting and he doesn't wanna **** things up and yet I'm over here like... "Cool thanks..."

And I think the thing is... I'm bored.
I keep dreaming about you and me and how we had this wild adventure planned for our wild adventurous lives...

I keep thinking about the way your eyes looked when they looked at me and how different he looks at me.

See the thing is I know you're not coming back because I've given you too many chances and you ******* them up time and time again.,

See the thing is I want to give him a chance but I am afraid he is going to bore me to tears because he's gone and done nothing in his 30 something years of life.

And the thing is... I want to feel love again.
I want to know it when I know it and I don't think this guy... Is the one...

No he's most definitely not the one... Does this make me a bad person?
I've started dating again and I honesty can say I hate it. Guys are so quick to wanna either jump into bed or fall in love right on the spot... And I am not ready for that.

Ugh. Dating.,
Brianna May 2015
Follow me down the path straight to hell because we both know heaven wasn't made for us.
Follow me into first pits of doom where my heart and your heart wait to be shoved together once again due to misunderstanding.

I get the feeling of being ripped in half every time you say my name. My heart fills with blood just for me to watch it bleed out when you walk away.

When the moment passes and 6 months down the road you come back; please note: I'll be gone for good this time.
And when your heart starts to ache with past memories of us, or the right song starts to play at the right time; please note: I'll be gone forever this time around.

You're a ****.
You're dead skin.

Please note...don't ever ******* call me again.
Brianna Oct 2017
Dear Future Love of my life--

I will not wait around like I did with all my lovers before.
I will not be the girl who you talk to randomly for two days then stop.
I will not let you guide my heart in the wrong directions again and again just because I am caring and kind.

I will either be your everything or I will be your nothing.
It's simple.

Love always,
Your Future Lover
biggest pet peeve- Ignoring me.
Brianna Mar 2014
Dear lost and found,

I was looking for a new heart today but came across a set of lungs that told me I couldn't breathe. The eyes I found belonged to a boy who couldn't see his beauty. There was a liver there but the drinker told me wanted just one more. I am not sure but the stomach dropped below the knees at the moment the boy with no eyes walked by.  I was looking for a heart today but i took home the eyes and told the boy to follow me.

Dear lost and found,

I found a mirror sitting outside and I gave up those pretty eyes I took. I took a deep breath in those new lungs I found. I saw the boy see himself in the mirror and he smiled.  He took out that heart I was looking for and we sat together; watching each other in the mirror listening to new hearts beat together.
No clue how this came about but I love the idea so I'm going to see where it goes.
Brianna Oct 2017
Candy coated tongue filled with sweet, rotting lies.
Ireland Green eyes with cavernous secrets deep inside.
Frosty demeanor, misty mountain moods, and perfectly sculpted arms.

How could a girl resist?
How could she ever forget?
Brianna Jan 2015
At 1 am, he tasted like cigarettes and was over 6'3 in all black.
I didn't know his name & I didn't care.

At 2 am, he gave me ****** beer and held my waist and taught me how to kiss.
His eyes held secrets, I'm sure, I didn't want to know. And his smile said I'll -****-you-up in a **** kinda way.

At 3 am, he was ready for more and I craved another touch, another kiss from this bad boy at the bar.
Drunk off who knew what and this overwhelming urge of lust.

At 4 am, i had bruises on my arms and lipstick across my face left in a ***** bathroom with no shirt.
He tasted like cigarettes and I wanted to puke.
Brianna Jun 2016
You can find me skipping through the streets of Paris. I'll be the girl with the long brown hair in a black summer dress. I'll have sunglasses on and as I make my way around this foreign town I'll wonder why I ever need to go home.

You can find me arm wrestling in Germany. I'll be the girl in the shorts and the lips t shirt surrounded by angry, sweaty German men who just want to take a chance on beating me. And as I laugh my way through the match I'll wonder why I ever need to go home.

You can find me in Italy drinking wine and dancing under the moon along the cobblestone alleyways.  I'll be hand in hand with some beautiful Italian man as we kiss just because we are young and free. And as I kiss my way across the canals I'll wonder why I ever need to come home.

And if by chance I make it home to America, where the lights aren't nearly as bright and the memories aren't nearly as fun. You'll find me in a boring office working as I dream of my foreign adventures again.
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