I'm sitting at my work desk after hours because I have to get this off my chest. You loved me in ways I couldn't love you back. I loved him in ways he would never understand. These empty nights of just sitting alone haunt me. They bring me back to all my winters past where my skin turns a ghostly white and my eyes sink in like a body on a soft mattress. I felt tattered and worn when I was yours. In fact I have felt that way with all of my lovers, tattered and worn like a favorite piece of clothing, worn so much it's falling apart.
I am again falling apart.
I wake up cold in my bed
And cuddle up next to someone I care for deeply
Waiting for a moment
To text "good morning" to the girl I love
This is free love.
This is beautiful.
I'm lost in the moment
Lost in her eyes
A vibration on the table brings me back
I expect it's from my love
And it is
But not the one I expected
My ex-fiancé's name flashes before me
Followed by the smiley face I never removed
I'm in shock
Is this an accident?
And old message stuck in my phone?
It buzzes again
"Could I ask you something"
My heart is racing
What could you have to say to me?
I guess you read them
"Do you still feel that way?
Or have you moved on now..."
I'll never move on
My love is limitless and endless
But for that same reason
I'm so confused
Of course I love you
I always will
But I love someone else too
And I know I'll love another soon enough
My love needs more than monogamy can give me
The experience of polyamory is all so new
And it's beautiful
And I love it
But I love you too
You are almost every great memory
That I have from the past 2 years
But I'm also a different person now
Than I was four months ago
I still can picture a future with only you
But polyamory would have to come off the table
I don't know if I'm ready for that
Even if I don't know what a poly future looks like
I need time to process this
I need a minute to breathe
I need to reflect on these possibilities
Love is a beautiful thing
But right now it's suffocating
I like dimly lit bars and beer.
I like how you walk purposefully
to me. I like smelling need in
your swet. I like your reserve.
And I like how you stand when you pee.
I like the shape of your feet
and how you touch me here
and there with them.
I like how you never go directly for me.
I like when we rub our bodies
together like two sticks, then
on the heat we generate.
I like how you saved me from my despair.
I liked you--
but now there is only
this dimly lit bar and the beer.
By: Evelyn Augusto
I let her into my world,
I handed her the power and gave
her the freedom to wield it on her own.
I sat back as I let her prey on me
and under my bed she sleeps slumberly
Feasting on my heart
with no where to hide and too much
baggage to cart.
Clawing her nails into my skin,
devouring me limb by limb.
In a world she didn't belong
she soon moved into every crevice of my life
hiding inside rooms and closets
turning off all the lights.
A home I no longer had
She lived in my very house
I made her a monster,
when I should of made her a mouse.
If we get closer
I can still
Make myself feel better,
Like I did today.
I want to be strong
As a teammate.
Depending on people
Like I did at some stages
In the past.
When I'm more in control
And the relationship;
Instead of being reduced
To something that fits
In someone's pocket.
I want to flutter around
Have a good time
And leap in excitement
With my partner's hand in mine.
Both trying our best
To find happiness
In hidden places.
Nudging each other forward
Helping one another
Remember their potential
When they start to fall behind.
That's a relationship I long for.
I'm glad you took a moment
To yourself earlier.
I can understand
How that'd be stressful
And you put yourself first
Which is a good thing.
Thank you for that
And I'm proud of you,
You should always come first.
I hope you're relaxed and at peace
When you rest,
Cherish it while it lasts.
You never know
When another battle will arise.
Trust when I say,
I'll have your back
If you ever need me.
How do I begin to explain to you how much you mean to me?
How do I start to tell you how you make me feel?
Or the amount of potential I see in you? In us?
When you don't even see it yourself.
I could tell you..
how much of a caring person you are,
how intelligent you are while still trying to hide it at times,
how selfless you can be,
how your face lights up when you talk about your parents,
how passionate you are about the things going on in the world around us,
how good of a listener you are,
how your humor brightens up my day,
You see, I could tell you all of these things, but I still don't think you'd understand just how worthy you are of the good things in life.
What you could give me, and have been giving me, is exactly what I need, what I deserve. So for you to tell me that I deserve better just baffles me.
Nobody is perfect, and I'm not saying that you are. But, I am saying that I'm here because I want to be. And I want to be because of the person you are, and how you make me feel.
I want to help you fight the demons in your head, the ones that tell you you're less than anything but whole.
I want you to help me with my demons, the ones that tell me I'm damaged and not deserving of love.
I want to take the risk of hurt, because it's worth it to me.
and I want you to want to, as well.
I remember being sixteen and being in love.
My heart raced at the mere anticipation of him.
I honestly believed that he was perfect.
But he never truly loved me for me; not in retrospect.
After that I went searching for a new love.
One that would love me for who I am.
I searched for years but I didn’t find it.
Just constant disappointments and an inability to commit.
Then I decided I would love no more.
I’d never give myself over again unless it was inescapable.
I promised myself, my mother and all my friends.
But a matter of months later I fell in love all over again.
I couldn’t fathom my own weakness- it felt like giving in.
Until I realised the love I’d found had to be real;
Because, yes he loved me true,
But most importantly; he helped me love my own skin too.
How to know when a relationship is ill-fated
All you have to do is look under the mask
What you find there will make you educated
For they will never tell, if you just simply ask
Now if you found something bitter in taste
Or even something of beauty and grace
The answer to your question you were given in haste
As soon as you found that you weren’t looking at their real face
I wrote this to take the sharp edges off my poem: You Ruined My America...
"What does love look like? ...It has ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men."
St. Augustine of Hippo
I love you even tho you resist me.
I love you even tho you sometimes
forget who I am.
I love you even tho I'm hard and you
prefer soft .
I love you even tho I get angry.
I love you even tho you get angry.
I love you even tho you don't see what
I love you even tho I don’t give in
or give up.
I love you even tho you don't either .
I love you even tho you disagree with me
and the way I express myself
and how I respond to the world.
I love you even tho you don't always
I love you even tho I am tired.
I love you even tho I am hungry.
I love you even tho I am lonely .
I love you even tho you prefer my silence.
I love you even tho tomorrow is
I love you even tho I have said
all there is to say:
I love you.