Lets build something
That weathers storms
Something that storms beaches
It'll transcend form
Touch the furthest reaches
Build it up so high it'd kill us to fall
The clouds are so comforting anyhow
Its not a sin to want it all
We've got it all in a rental now
Give us time to settle down
To be at home without walls
Rescue me
From the cluster-fuck outside
The wind takes the breath from me
Vent to me, be my truster
I know the world is working you
                                                    unequally
You're not equal love
I attest to that for the rest of life
You're far above
The only one
           to be my wife

For Megan

Sideways I speak when Im
Remembering a certain night
Full moon lit up the sky
And all of hers, and all of mine

The sunlight comes then goes at night
We should know by now
nothing stays the same
But we cant stand to hear
That its time to blame
And its all over now
Something of a phase

Sideways, the wind blew
Knocked us down and right into
The other side of civilized
Regretful slew of profanity survived

The sunlight comes then goes at night
We should know by now
nothing stays the same
But there's no way to tell me
I cant look back
The recordings of us stay the same

Only recordings of us stay the same

And Ill never feel that way
'Cause I walked the other way

Every man has their demons,
And every demons got a song.
When you take the time to listen,
They're not always completely wrong.
"You're just a human,
You ain't made of gold; You don't glisten.
You can smell the trouble flowers when they go into bloom,
And you can sit and fantasize about the day of your doom,
Yet you sit all alone, all up in your room.
The Baby is crying like a sonic boom,
And you can't help but to feel the gloom."
Was writing this little goodbye too soon?
Was trying to embrace the sky,
Give it a kiss just to get a little high,
But the sun went dark and the clouds filled the lungs,
The letters are ready, and the belts been hung.
Its all fun in games when you get your wings,
But your frantic day made you into less of a thing,
So when you lost your shit, you lashed out with sting.
Now I never meant to hurt you or make you sad,
And for that I apologize that I made you mad.
I never wanted to hurt you the way I did,
I didn't want to do this, so the rage got hid.
But this incident has revealed to me,
That the monster I thought I was, isn't history.
Where it was all this time is my new mystery,
But that doesn't mean I don't regret making you pissed at me.
"I'm sorry", "I love you" the words never end,
But none of them even begin to even comprehend,
The way I feel. It's truly terrible,
The thought of what I said was truly unbearable.
Just know I adore you dearly,
I'm your number one fan,
If anyone would make you happy,
I'd like to think that I can.
But I splashed my fire,
And now she's all gone out,
Can't talk over text,
So I'm all alone now.
Sweet Zombie Jesus, I fucked up and I knew it,
The only candle in my chest and I went and blew it.
I just want to say I'm sorry for what I've done,
Maybe in the next life it'll be more fun.

If I ever wrote a suicide letter it would be multiple. One for everyone who'd be effected.

I want to know that there's hope
I want to know that there's a future
I want to see that there's a sustainable place in her heart for me
And yet, if that's not the case
I need to learn what I need and can
And then I need to leave

Honest, true, me.
Hannah 7h

I was happily in love
Soaking in your smile through a window
I couldn't imagine being in a happier place
But I tend to ask the questions I know I'll hate the answer to
And right away I did and then the glass broke in to shards
I was bleeding out but you told me it'd be alright
Maybe there'd be a way to clean up the mess
And so I hid my wounds

The second time was painful
We had our differences
And that really stuck a wall in between us
You killed me on the phone
Told me it's not you but it's me
I don't understand the bi community
How is it possible to enjoy anything
When I'm stuck in this --
But before you could breathe your last word
You realized what you had said
Took it all back and we cried together
It was magical and it kept my hope going
Clouded my mind and forced me to forget the horrid things I just heard

The third time was my fault
I was in pain from our lack of lust
No communication was happening and i was losing trust
So I called on the phone
And you were alone
Talked of my fears
It had me in tears
You said what I thought
And it was getting really hot
We hung up cuz you had class
And I fell on my ass
But
Later I rang in the closet
And my eyes were a faucet
You made a surprise visit
And that was it
My heart leapt
And it you kept

The last time was painful
Not only did we meet but it was unexpected
This time there was no phone to shield you
No speaker to talk through
You looked me in my eyes
Pointed a gun at my heart
But caressed my face
Told me it'd be okay
Then pulled the trigger

if happiness was
a cake,
i wouldn't get
a slice.
i would circle around it,
smelling,
wanting & drooling
over it.
but never daring to
take a slice.
waiting for everyone to take
their share.
& when everyone has taken
one or two,
i see the empty cake plate
& sigh.
my stomach grumbles at me
again.
i am hungry, starved of food
again.
but i refuse to take a slice
of cake.
& like a sick girl, if i was offered
a bite
of someone else's slice & i ate it,
i'd vomit.
purging myself of the things i'm not
allowed to have.
because i'm not a girl who deserves
this cake.
& i cry myself to sleep asking myself
"why"?
why can't i just eat the cake
& be happy?
but i still refuse to take a slice
of cake.
because it seems so much easier
when i'm empty.

{im sorry i keep hurting you when all you deserve is the whole damn cake & more. it's like i can't breathe when everything is going well...}

i want to write but i can't write
i want to draw but i can't draw
i want to make music but i can't do it
i want to leave but its not my choice
i want to laugh
i want to cry
i want to look up to the sky
but most of all i want you
because you fill all my want-to's

When i heard you were with another girl
i nearly fell to my knees in disbelief because
i knew you no longer thought about me.
People said "why are you upset? You've seen
others too."
But what they didn't know was love dripped
from your lips and could hold anyone or anything
captive.
I saw others, but it was nothing compared to when
i first met you.
And i know you probably made her feel the same way.
You told me we were each others missing puzzle
pieces and god we did fit together perfectly.
You took her for coffee and that made me wonder
if you had already forgotten how i take mine
in exchange for hers.

I wondered for months how i would handle knowing you were with someone else. Now that it has happened, i cant seem to make sense out of anything anymore.

Creatures of the deep,
Lurk the bottom of the sea,
Scare me less than you.

@LadyofRavenhill 2017
Haiku #35
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