I hated you.
I remembered the scent of weed on your jackets,
The taste of alchohol and cigarettes of your lips.
I hated you.
You left me alone in the wilderness of my mind,
The ghost of my abscence lingered.
I hated you. I hated you.
I. Still. Hate. You.
But in the prick of fury,
The fire in my eyes haunted.
At that moment I realized you were on the phone,
Your voice chipping off and broken,
Crying out loud and pouring your guilt,
You were ice-
cracking under the pressure of what you did under my flames,
And I smiled as I watched you burn.
This large bed we lay in could speak so many of our secrets.
I look over at you and see you looking back at me.
I'm complacent and your frustrated with me.
You crawl to me.
So drawn to me..
Like a moth to flame...
Your hands hungry for the feel of my skin.
I know what you desire..
But you know I'm unwillingly to give.
You stare into my eyes.
I see you searching for some kind of glimmer of hope.
What do you expect to find.
And I'm leaving this place..
I'm no good for you despite what you may think...
Love has burned me for the last time and the mere fear of ever falling again is just to scary to bare.
So I'm leaving on swift wings.
Im going at this alone.
I'm going to go find my shine...
If we were ever meant to be no measure of time could ever separate that.
Please understand this is just how it has to be.
It's difficult to bare my soul
To let you know the things
That I let no one know
It's difficult to say the words
That I wish so dearly to have you hear
And not knowing how you'll respond
I've developed a fear
Slowly ever so slowly I try to let go
I try to say the things I feel
To let you know
That I care that I'm here that I miss you
But I sound pathetic
To my own ears
And I want nothing more than
To shut up
But once I start
I can't seem to stop
The words fight to escape
And I'm left feeling lost
I'm trapped in a daze
Lost in a maze
How can I tell you
How much you mean
If I can't bear to see
Or hear what you'd say
Why can't I tell you
And why does it hurt
If I say nothing it threatens come out
It wants to be heard
And I don't doubt
It would gladly escape
At just the wrong moment
And ruin my happiness
And all that we have
If I say something
It hurts just to hear
The words sound pathetic
And I feel so cruel
To myself and I say
The things I fear
How will you react
Did you even hear?
You don't always,
You don't always respond
And that makes me more lost
I don't know
What to say
Or what that means
But it hurts
And this pain
It wants to be seen
How do I bare my soul
Even though I know
That we could very well leave each other
What keeps me going
What keeps me here
Why do I feel this way
When you do not?
You are nervous sure
But you say you feel different
Like suddenly you believe in love
And the things that come with it
I feel the same
But I've always believed
And I've know this would be difficult
A past me, would not believe.
This wreck I am becoming
This crushing weight of me
What does this all mean
When I want to say
The things that dash around my brain
And I bare my soul
In just one moment
I just let go
And there it is
In the open
You didn't hear...
And I know
I can't bring myself to repeat.
The words I spoke
Are words I would never say
Words that escaped through some hole
In my soul
And found a way
One might think
But something I hide
Is what I think
I want to say what I said
What you would say
Leaves me in internal pain
To no end
I couldn't do it
I couldn't repeat
I couldn't bare my soul
I had to miss that beat.
I don't know why
I trust you with so many things
And I do
And I know that you
Mean so much to me
But I'm afraid
Of too many things
I'm still unsure
Of how to be me.
And how can I bare my existence to you
If I can't even do that
And I know this poem
It's just not finished yet
But I can't seem to
Find the words
To be able to say
The things that truly
Want to escape
How do I talk to you?
How do I stop hiding
How do I unlock my cage
How do I let these things so sacred
Find their way to you?
You, the unknown?
You, the unsure variable
The confusing algebraic equation
The one I could spend hours working on
Paper and pen
Still not knowing
How to solve or what to say.
How will you react
When you realize what I am
Who I am
I've told you things before
Things no one knows.
To fully bare my soul?
To say the things
I've locked away
The things kept from prying eyes
The things I hide from MYSELF?
I want to say it all.
And it's terrifying
What will you say?
What will you do??
What if I lose you???
I should shut up
I know it
So I will
I'm going to snap
I'm going to break
I'm going to blow up
And end this place
My palace of lies
Will come crumbling down
The cracks are already
Big and small
With jagged edges
Much like the heart
That keeps on begging
What do I,
Or it even want?
This is too long
I'm stuck in a rut
That is the end.
But why am I still so frustrated!!!
Why is my heart mind and soul still filled with this hatred!!
Why do I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart?!?!
Why do I feel so broken, like a shattered work of art
Why can't I shed a single tear
And I sit here
And everything is so unclear
And I want to say I'm sorry
But I don't know how to say
It or anything else
And this has grown too long
And my feelings are too damned difficult to overcome
And I need to just let go.
But I can't until you know.
So I'll say it
Or rather send it
And I don't know how you'll react
And I'm terrified
Like a trapped rat
But I'll do it
And I'll see where it leads
I'm not one for trust falls
I've always caught myself just a hair before
Stumble and save myself
Because what if they aren't there?
Because they don't need me anymore
And what if they is you and you are them
And they are the world and you are my world
And everything is lie
And I'm still fucking trapped in my never-ending mind!
But I'll try
I'll let myself attempt
I'll turn my back
And hope that you
Won't be the Brutus to my Caesar.
That the words "es tu brute?"
Won't escape my lips
That I will fall
And that you will catch me
And that it will be okay
Because I will trust you
Even through my own anxiety.
We all have a story to tell.
We can stand alone or become part of a bigger picture together.
We come in different shapes and sizes.
We are all part of a kaleidoscope of various colors like individual gems.
We are each unique but we can band together and become part of a masterpiece.
Some of us maybe smoother than others.
Some of us maybe a little bit jaded.
Some of us may have more lines than others.
While some of us are shapelier than others.
We can choose to shine alone or shine together like precious gems to become a masterpiece of stained glass, if we join together and let the light shine through us.
Let your light shine.
Where am I....?
I feel like I'm having an out of body experience.
I feel like I'm floating behind myself, watching my life play out in front of me...
but from a different angle.
Why does nothing penetrate my soul?
Why do words pass through me?
Why can't I feel your touch?
I cant find my smile.
I cross out the days I have left in this place into my flesh...
just to feel something...
Just to remind myself I'm still alive...
Pain is my only reminder I'm still alive...
I cant wait to leave this place. To be so far away I forget you and your face and the place you took up in my life.
I wish I was blind and no longer saw your face....
And I cannot wait until I leave this place.
I've convinced myself by your actions alone that love isn't real... And it never was...at least on your end.
Its just some made up bullshit your mom tells you as a little girl so that you can sleep soundly at night with a warm heart.
I've promised myself one thing in these dark demon filled days...
Oh dont worry, you're not the sole provider of this decision... No, you're only part.
I never want to experience such a hell.
Giving in to love... Giving yourself over to love... What a magnificent, scary hell I will never allow myself to be apart of again.
I dont regret anymore.
self reflection helped me with that. I'm not a bad person either...
But I digress.....
I'm glad you're "sublimely" happy...
I'm relieved you don't feel any of this pain.
And I'm especially glad molding your flesh to someone else who isn't your wife has really helped you gain a new perspective on life....., truly...
Just be careful of those pesky suppressed skeletons you keep hiding away in your closet....things have a way of catching up eventually.
I breathe a little easier when I leave you behind,
The weight on my shoulders, the plague in my mind
It gets a little breezier the moment I find
Glimmers of clarity and from you I unbind
You keep me too busy with heartache and crimes
Too stressed to reflect
Too tense too unwind
Too afraid to connect
Too timid, too blind
My colours were once vibrant, my spirit divine
My laughs would echo with a joy that was mine
But baby I met you and what’s mine became yours
You’re a storm that raged in, after softly knocking on my door
I thought I could do this, but you always wanted more
I thought I’d get through this, but you had more in store
I thought it could happen to be loved and still be free
I didn’t imagine you’d have this much power over me
To lift me or crush me, to slow me or rush me
To beat me down and then touch me…
In that tender way
That way that left my life astray
The way that makes me forget what happened yesterday
When you held me so tightly, I thought I would die
When you drank from my kindness until the well ran dry
When you decided to destroy my trust and wouldn’t say why
I’ve gone into hiding but I cannot run away
You keep me craving and my heart it obeys
When my spirit is naked in my moments alone
I see how much of me because of you is gone
But then you’re suddenly all around me
And my layers they’re back on
The ones I created to pretend I’m still strong
The ones I concocted to convince myself I wasn’t wrong
To fall in love with someone who never loved me for who I am
But rather who loved me because you saw my flaws
My sense of insecurity, what I wrongly believed I was worth
An intrinsic vulnerability that I’ve been unable to unbirth
A sense of isolation as old as my first breath on earth
My weakness, my pain,
My scars, my wars,
Oh baby they were my painful siren call
You flocked towards me and didn’t hesitate at all
To conquer, to change, to break me with words,
To take until I lost what it was that made me my own
The me I had painstakingly put together and that through tragedy I’d grown
The sense of hope I nurtured in the pitch black dark
The belief in a tomorrow that I hid in my heart
A craving for humanity when the demons left their mark
In my head, whispered in my ears,
When I lay in bed, wondering if the end is near
Oh how you shone so brilliantly when you first held my hand
Oh how you eased my fright before I began to understand
Your intentions for me, your determination for my essence to posses
To force me to submit, to break me down, forcing me to confess,
To use my past against me and to keep me a mess,
But today you’re far and I can breathe my truth
Fearing the day I’ll return once more to you
It’s impossible to escape you, of that you made sure
You soiled my love, made our connection impure
I see it so clearly when there’s oceans between us,
But when I look in your eyes, it’ll take over — my weakness
So I’ll live today and I’ll dream tonight
Of a fearless tomorrow, of my individuality alight
I’ll pray for help, for strength, for what’s right
I’ll pray for serenity, for grace, for might
And for that day to come, which in the absence of you,
I once again become glorious and I shine bright
Oh, baby, I’ll shine bright, I’ll shine bright.
i remember a time when
both my heart and hands
knew what they were meant for
a time before you came along
and they made it their job to show
the love they could hold for you