Trauma sits heavy upon my chest, decreasing my ability to express.
My hurt is big, my shame is thick,
My behavior can be so toxic.
I am so sorry this darkness flies out
From beneath my shackled chest
And I am so horrified, that it is with you
My painful poisin comes to rest
Maybe I should have listened
when you told me to
But maybe you should have told me
what staying meant.
You should have told me that
meant hand grenade hearts
and gaping breaths.
That this meant more than your fear
of messing up.
happiness is the best protection from this cruel world
they run at you
they run at me
every day with their harsh words and forked, hissing tongues
i feel fear and sadness
why am i the target?
but now i know
they're just afraid themselves
they too feel fear and sadness
happiness is the only escape
I felt slightly uneasy and slightly confused.
I was disorientated and I couldn't figure out how to stand straight.
The empathy in the room was gone.
It was filled with soulless creatures I once called friends.
The devil danced on my back and I found myself watching all the people I once loved turning into people I wanted to destroy.
Little things set me off and my patience was thinner then paper.
I could see through the looking glass- my memories were just over the rabbit hole and beyond.
Instead, I slipped farther down and down into the core of the earth until the darkness took control.
I could feel the heat- the rising of anger and jealousy that kept me from being happy for them.
I hated them.
I wanted them out of my life.
But I kept them around to help fuel the fire that was keeping me alive.
I kept them there so when I went to bed lonely and sad - least I was warmed by bitterness.
I kept them so when the envious monster of jealously came pouring down my throat-- least I wouldn't be thirsty for something I knew I'd never have.
It doesn't take one thing to send you into the pessimistic oblivion you call life- it takes an avalanche.
It takes a hurricane of pain and sadness.
It takes a tornado of loneliness and pity.
It took a massive earthquake of people telling you over and over again things were going to be okay.
The devil is dancing on my shoulders again, and he's threatening me with the idea that if I just give up now- maybe I won't be alone forever.
That the ghost's and demons will keep me company.
That the memories will be enough to hold me over.
Maybe I'll let him win, maybe I won't.
Maybe someone will help me out of this mess I call life...
or Maybe they won't.
So when it did become right for someone to be the boss of everyone, cuz the way I see it, it's definitely not okay on any standards
Whatever I'm hopeless
But I bet if another person was there you wouldn't mind leaving me behind
I see the way you act towards other people
Treating them all special and me as a person who follows you who is miss royalty and I'm just the person who you think is always gonna be there for ya
Well guess what, I think not
I'm sick and tired of you're laziness
You always complain when something isn't right
I can't be myself at any level or you'll think I'm being rude and disrespect towards you
I have to smile all the time to make you think that I'm fine with my life
If I even tried to tell you what's wrong you would just look at me weirdly and not even listen
How did you even find me in the first place?
Can you like not, I'm tired and hate even being next to you but of course I can't say anything but oh well for now
You dim-witted, half-assed fuck.
Every moment that I think about you my gut turns
as my very organs reject the fact that you exist.
You disgust me on a cellular level. The fact that
you breathe the same airspace as me is an insult
You worthless, two-timing son of a bitch.
You think I give a shit about your
piece of shit philosophy that you carry on your sleeve?
You are a sentient pile of slime dirtying the floors
that people have worked so hard in cleaning.
Effort has gone into you,
that could have gone to someone else.
Love has gone into you,
best appreciated by others.
Your friendships mean nothing.
You are a friendless non-entity.
You mouth-breathing motherfucker,
I hope you come to realize how much you've wasted your life.
How much you've wasted your hopes and dreams.
How much you were your own obstacle.
How much you could have been
if you had overcome yourself.
I hope I never have to see, your hideous
I could comfortably burn in hell knowing that you're furthest away from me
sucking on the Lord's dick while shamefully knowing
you did nothing to deserve it.
Go fuck yourself.