you didn't want to say goodbye so you left me
no words, only a message to the world
because you knew that you were falling in love with me
and your childish heart couldn't handle the feeling
you called me a pussy because i wouldn't suck you dick
but you are the pussy for walking out the way you did
but you'll come back
“The problem with falling is sooner or later
you’ll have to hit something.”
- Jenny Owen Youngs
My eyes met your eyes
at nine years old in the cafeteria.
I learned you were terrible
over a loud lunch where
your laughter met the spilled drink
and tears making their way
down another’s skin.
Your hands met my back
before I met the sting
of your unheated pool.
This was the standard when
my lips met your lips
at an age we boasted
in a space that was ours.
My friends met your personality
Our space was where you launched us.
My gaze met the Milky Way
when you were the only one
around to care for light years.
My feet met the ground
when you called me
your favorite expletive.
You rethought that stunt when
my fist met your face
upon remembering how terrible
you were in the first place.
Mama warned me about the Demons under my bed and the ones that speak nasty things in her head
she told me about the ones I'd find on the street that walk around with 2 eyes and a cold heart beat,
But never once did one tell me that the girl with the
icy blue eyes
could be so sweet.
she just needed help standing on her own two feet
my parents never knew
they never knew that the wooden door of the room they always shut me out of
when they wanted to "have an adult conversation"
wasn't as good at absorbing the venom they spit at each other as they thought it was
and I heard every word they screamed
and tasted every drop of hate that seeped between the cracks in their voices
and I never told my parents
I never told them
that I liked the way hate tasted
I liked the way it stung my lips
kind of how
they liked the way it burned each other's hearts
and corroded the memory of the love they once had
and I let these malicious words tumble around in my head,
breathed them in and blew them off my lips
like a kiss
and that day you were yelling
it was the same way my mother cursed at my father
and as a broken family's lonely daughter
I did the first thing I thought of
I listed off the vicious vocabulary my parent's never meant to teach me
and I knew that
if this was a test, I'd made an A plus
as I watched the friendship between us
crash to the ground and I just stood there because
that's what my father always does
and everyone says that we're just the same the two of us
with tears in your eyes, I watched you
turn away and I swear to god I had deja vu
because you looked just like my mother did the day she
filed for a divorce and ripped our family away from me
and that same day your mother found you at the bottom of the stairs
with a still heart and a fixed stare
and that same day I realized that words spoken in such a way
could not only end a marriage but a life
I mean stop a beating heart
and that same day I promised myself
that I would never again yell,
never curse at anyone the way my parents taught me
and that is the reason why I am quiet in a crowded room
not because I am intimidated or shy
I'm just trying to swallow
the snake my parent's fed me long ago
My fortress of solitude
with waning self worth
It could be worse
and I am imperfect
so I stay in this place invisible
seen only in degrees unworthy
But here alone
I can pretend I am strong
the truth hidden
by what I cannot show
Words are my friends
where my thoughts
are my enemies
Still, I remain
Not bad enough to leave
Just horrible enough to keep me hidden in this isolation
ashamed to show my face
afraid to be free and learn...
it's all true
You can't fix something that's not broken,
you can't change someone who doesn't want to change,
you can't decide how a person should be,
you just simply can't,
is it so hard to see?
You walk around and try to control everything that comes your way,
you're shocked when someone doesn't do as you say,
you think you're God and that we should all obey,
the truth is no matter how much beauty you endure,
you'll never be anything more than what's inside of your soul.
Your soul is darker than the night,
your heart is as cold as ice,
I'll never fall for your spell again,
You're just a devil in diguise
Nothing more, nothing less
If somebody here needs a change,
look in the mirror and watch it shatter.
You're broken and bruised,
and give others abuse.
You're living proof that the outside is no reflection of the inside...
Beautiful outside, rotten inside.