No longer with the monster I once called my lover
But him being a monster doesn't seem right either
But I can't help it
He put me through hell and back
I can't forget that sometimes there were moments of pure bliss
they just didn't last
Now
what is anyone supposed to do with that information?
All it tells you is that I'm broken
it feels like the trauma bond will never go away
I don't want to be tied to your soul anymore
so how do I let you go?
why am I still in love?

If I don’t let it out soon
All my troubles and worries
All my trials and tribulations
If I can’t open up my mouth soon
I will wither
I will shrivel up like a beautiful rose
That’s been depleted of its nutrients
I shed my last tear and haven’t watered myself since
If I don’t let it out soon
I will be still addicted to something
That isn’t even good for me
Addicted to someone
That isn’t even good for me
But is everything I could ever need
But if that’s so
Then why am I still withering?
If I can’t open my mouth soon
I will never be able to change
“I just want happiness”
Is all I have to say
How can I have that when I won’t let myself
Trapping myself in this box
Was not intended
Now I’m too comfortable
In a place I don’t even want
Bounded
Cursed
Stuck
All things that I feel every second of the day
So
If I don’t let it out soon
I’m going to be just like you
And that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person
But I can’t see myself being happy like this anymore
I love you so much
I never would’ve thought leaving you would be the only way to break free
From everything holding me back
So
If I can’t open my mouth soon
I’ll just be the next stereotypical black female
And I can’t have that

As the violinist brushes the bow against the instrument
She takes in a deep breath
She takes in those painful memories
And she exhales
They’re gone
Hitting her in flashes
She has to overcome the darkness that stands in the way of her light
She is torn
Because even if she wants to leave her past
She still holds some of those memories clutched tight to her thumping heart
Even the ones that haunt her the most
You see
She is split down the middle
Her mind is saying go
But her body won’t even tilt
She’s frozen stuck in a life
That she had wept about in nightmares
She was strong
But she couldn’t wrap her mind around living like this anymore
She got the message when her eyes would no longer shine
And she had to force a smile on to her face
She just wanted to be normal again
She wanted her violin to bring her joy
Once more
It had been her only sanctuary
The only place she called home

i pretend that it doesn't hurt
that tears dont drip down my cheeks too
that i dont hold my face in my hands
and weep while i wish for a better life
i hurt too
but i'd never let you know
when my world falls
i keep it to myself
because no one can save me from the destruction inside of me
and i smile
because i know that it's easier to say 'im fine'
instead of 'i want to die'
i hurt too
but i'd never let you know
how much my my mom just wants me to be okay
yet she doesnt have a clue
of how much her words slice through my skin
and make me bleed
apart of my chaos too
and i smile
because no one can save me from the destruction inside of me
from the ache in my heart
from the gun in my hand
im the only person that handle my monsters
and im honestly losing this war
but
i'd
never
let
you
know

You stepped on my heart
And stepped once more
And then you began to stomp
Eventually you were jumping on the pieces of a heart that was once yours
But when your walls come crashing down
And it feels like you’re holding the world on top of your shoulders
Remember that I was once your home
And I held all of those walls together
And I helped you pick up that planet off your weak frame
Because your struggles were mine
Remember that once upon a time
I was yours
Your home
And you treated me like treasure
Until you threw me off of the pedestal
You swore would forever be mine

My edge
My straight edge
Cuts deep
And doesn’t want to let go
My straight edge
Loves to make you remember everything
But she wants you to forget too
My straight edge
Loves a game
And she’ll play it with you
My straight edge
Is a force to be reckoned
Beware
My straight edge
Is my worst nightmare
And paradise from hell
My straight edge
Is many things
But never has she left me

mysterious
is what i want to say
when i look at you
in your eyes
the curve of your lips
and the color of your eyes
all of you is intriguing to me
and like a nightmare all at the same time
i can never get you out of my head
in my mind is where you have always nested
images of you
playing over and over again
and although its haunting me
its not really like i want it to go away
because you are a beautiful but bitter sweet memory
and in my mind is where you have always nested
why would i take you away from that?
why would i take me away from that?
sure
maybe i could rip out whatever you left in me out
and watch myself bleed tears
or i could continue
because you are a beautiful but bitter sweet memory
because in my mind is where you have always nested
because you felt safe enough to close your eyes
because you felt safe enough to lay your head on my chest and finally rest
but its not fair to either of us
i noticed you before you noticed me
and i begin to wish that i never looked your way
or gave you the time of day
because now everytime I think of your name
my body is set aflame

somehow i had started to bleed
my wrists and their scars were open
pouring into the river
eyes cry red drops of blood
falling down my cheek, lips, and chin
yet i can't feel a thing
if anything the regret lifts from my shoulders and sets me free
but i still feel the little bit of blood stuck in my one side of my heart
that i can never seem to get rid of
and the other half never seems to fill back up
so i wait
and wait
until it's a full river of blood
and
then
i
jump

poking at his rib cage
i thought of all of the wonderful times
ive spent with him
not knowing that this would be my last time poking his rib cage
i smiled and laughed in his face
he loved me the way i loved me
or so i thought
and the betrayal finally set in
when the messages stopped flowing in
and the block on all of social media shocked me as well
until my friend had shown that while you were studying abroad
you were going steady with a beautiful french girl

trying not to tumble
in a world with so many obstacles
makes it a thousand times harder
but it makes you strong
yet,
at what cost?
destroying every bit of you
until there's almost nothing left
only for you to say 'at least i made it out alive
is that any better than being dead
at least then you won't have to remember

You don’t love me back
You don’t love me the way I love you
You don’t love me at all
It hurts to say it but that’s the truth
You don’t love me
Everything about you excites me
But you don’t find anything about me exciting
Doesn’t help that I’m thousands of miles away
One of the reasons why we couldn’t be
Someone across the country had cheated on you
And it broke you so bad
That you couldn’t love me
But there was always a “just wait for me”
And
“You’ll have my kids”
And
“We’ll be married”
And all these things that meant something then
But nothing now
And we both knew
What it would end up being
Nothing
Everything that came out of your mouth was a lie
You never loved me
You never said it
But I thought I felt it
And I loved you too
Too hard
And it broke me so bad
That I still loved you
I just couldn’t love me anymore
And sometimes I think I still do
Sometimes I don’t feel it
And sometimes it’s all too much
Still stuck on the same person from years before
Why can’t I just take the rejection
And let it go
Why can’t I just be alone
Why?

I knew I was going to fall in love with him
When I heard his voice on the other side of the phone
I knew I was going to fall in love with him before it was even real between us
And we were tight
Everyday we talked
And everyday we shared
And I realized
That I had fallen in fast
And way too deep
I lost it a few times
But brought myself back on my feet
And he’s knocked me down so many times
Yet
Still I rise
And it hurt
But I kept going
Until he said “I cherish you as a friend”
And that’s when I realized
That I swam down to the bottom
And wasn’t sure if I’d make it back up
I’d lost myself in him
And couldn’t find the exit
And all I could was grip
And clutch onto something
That no longer wanted me
I was being held captive by his voice
And by my broken heart
Who just couldn’t let go
I’ll always have love for him
But I know that it won’t ever be
Even all of those times when he said “just wait for me”
I can’t wait any longer
I have a life to live
But I know one day we’ll speak again
And we’ll do these things
All over again

Let me tell you a secret of mine
I think it’s time
That everyone knows
How broken I am
Because no one knows
How much my heart is shattered
No one knows
That my fate may be death
And I don’t know if that’s my happy ending or not
I miss my old self so much
That sometimes it’s hard to remember why I changed in the first place
And I want to go back
But I don’t know if I could go back
I don’t know if I want to go back
I was shy and fragile back then
I’m shy fragile and bit less of a crybaby now
It’s just that no one knows
That I still cry at night
And I wish I could die
And that I’ve wanted to place the razor to my wrist so many times
No one knows
That I miss me
I miss me so much
I want to be me again
But I don’t know how
I don’t know how
I don’t know how
I-
Maybe I shouldn’t try at all
I guess I’ll pretend to be okay

i wonder
what it feels like
to be confident in everything i do
i wonder
what it feels like
to know someone loves you
i wonder
what it feels like
to wake up with a smile on your face
i wonder
what it feels like
to be happy for longer than an hour
without wanting to wither away
i wonder
what it feels like
to stop thinking these thoughts
i wonder
what it feels like
to stop thinking at all

They say that I’m better off dead
And that my mother should’ve swallowed
They say that I’m nothing but a *******
And that’s where I’ll remain
They say plenty of things
But none of those things are nice
I’m their bestfriend
But it never feels like it
Especially when they hand the blade to me
And help me slice my wrists
Or when they make it too loud in my head
And I feel like I’m going to explode
Especially when they tell me
To find a rope
They are my bestfriend
And I hate that I can’t get rid of the monsters in my head
They know me so well
Too well
So well that I can’t escape them
Clutching onto me with their claws
Sinking their sharp teeth into my soul
And holding me hostage
Because they can’t take being alone either
And maybe it’s why sometimes I stay
Because I know they’ll never leave
And although they’re terrible
They haven’t left me behind
Like some other bestfriends

You were right.
He only meant to use you for your body
And not your brains
All for your looks
And not your intellect
He wanted you for one thing
And not the rest
He was just another person
Wasting your time
And another person
Telling you lies
He was just another person
Just an excuse
And he made you question why
He just lied to you
So he could get his nut off
And have fun
While you cry
And he smiles
While you die inside
And you wish you never took the chance
Because you got hurt again
And although it won’t be the last time
It’s going to hurt for a while

I used to like you, a lot.
My heart soared when you called my phone
My eyes bulged when you texted me five years later
And you called me gorgeous
Something I’ve heard so many times but it only mattered when
You said it
To me
And I thought that those feelings were gone
And I suddenly can’t tell if it’s because you’re back or if they never went away
I’m missing you
But at the same time I’ve forgotten everything we did
It’s like I pushed it to the back of mind
And somehow it got lost
And it’s come all back to haunt me
My brain hurts
With those feelings
From 2013
Because the feelings I have for you now
In 2017
Don’t feel the same
So should I even try?
Where’s your head?
Why can’t you focus?
Why can’t you decide?
Why won’t you just understand
That he’s not it
And you’re better off alone
He’s just a reminder of everything
You could never be
Someone’s lover
Someone’s everything

“Drugs are all fun and games until you watch someone you love become someone you don’t know.”

She called her daughter a ***** today
Something she said she’d never do
She treats her boyfriend better than her child
And she can’t even see it
Her lies fly out of her mouth like it’s been recited to perfection
And I’m tired of listening to them
I wish that my mothers life wasn’t so ******
So that my sisters could’ve had something
I wish for a lot of things
But a family is what I want the most
I wish I could tell them all how much I love them
But how do I do that
When the drugs are so strong that they can’t see past it?
When the need is so strong they’ll do anything to be high
And I know I should try and help
But how do you help someone who doesn’t want help?
How am I supposed to do all these things
When I’m only one person?
How do I tell them that their life will be ****
If they don’t pick it up and do something with it?

You’re Satan’s lover
You have to be because I haven’t met anyone as evil as you
I stumbled upon you
It’s the one regret I  will always have
Because you sneaked your way in
And you clutched tight
Worn down but I still fought
And tried to rip you off
But your lies made sense in my mind
And for a while I  let you stay
But you hurt me again
Then whispered in my ear another time
And for a while I let you stay
Because I once thought of you as mine
Now I want you to be ****** to hell
And I want to be the one to do it
I’ve waited so long for my freedom
And now I have it
But I no longer seek to be free
I’m too broken from rescuing myself
My hands tattered and ******
Eyes wet with tears
Lips scowled in pure rage
My mind blank with nothing but the thought of your face
******
Bruised
Scarred
And your mind
Broken
Your pride
Destroyed
Your voice
Gone
Your fear
At an all time high
I wanted you to feel the same way I did so bad
But now that I’ve done it
I realized that this is my greatest accomplishment in life
And I  have nothing left to look at
And to think of myself
But a wilted flower
Who tried her best to stay alive

You’re Satan’s lover
You have to be because I️ haven’t met anyone as evil as you
I️ stumbled upon you
It’s the one regret I️ will always have
Because you sneaked your way in
And you clutched tight
Worn down but I still fought
And tried to rip you off
But your lies made sense in my mind
And for a while I️ let you stay
But you hurt me again
Then whispered in my ear another time
And for a while I️ let you stay
Because I️ once thought of you as mine
Now I️ want you to be ****** to hell
And I️ want to be the one to do it
I’ve waited so long for my freedom
And now I️ have it
But I️ no longer seek to be free
I’m too broken from rescuing myself
My hands tattered and ******
Eyes wet with tears
Lips scowled in pure rage
My mind blank with nothing but the thought of your face
******
Bruised
Scarred
And your mind
Broken
Your pride
Destroyed
Your voice
Gone
Your fear
At an all time high
I️ wanted you to feel the same way I️ did so bad
But now that I’ve done it
I️ realized that this is my greatest accomplishment in life
And I️ have nothing left to look at
But  to think of myself
As a wilted flower

I was supposed to write this out like a journal entry but it ended up being more like a poem

I feel stupid for loving someone who doesn’t give a **** about me
And I’ve spent four, almost five years loving him even when I couldn’t love myself
And for that, I feel dumb
I feel dumb for waiting on something that will never come
And I feel especially dumb for those times I believed all those sweet nothings you murmured in my ear
Dumb for my heart soaring at the text messages you would send m
Dumb for thinking the impossible
The inevitable
Dumb for believing you were the one
Sad because I still love you
And that will never change
But one day I will move on
And somehow I’ll forget your name
And it might hurt too much to even go back through time in my brain
And think about how close we once used to be
And all the things we said
Because those things no longer matter
When you can’t say to me anymore
It’s as if those words fade
And they no longer mean anything to you or me
But I’m stuck here loving you
Stuck here in alternating universe where you love me too

A witness to the ****** of my best friends heart
He was her first everything
And he tore her apart
It was terrorizing to see her cry
I wanted to help but what do you say
When the person who was your everything
Suddenly disappears one day
What do I say
When her tears don’t stop
And what do I say
When her eyes aren’t filled with the love she once felt
How do I tell her that one day another love will come
And although he will be new he won’t compare to the one who made your heart soar
And your knees lock
Or your brain fuzzy with the thought of just seeing him
As if it’s the first time all over again
You search for love but cry at the thought of having to share all your secrets
And the things that make you cringe
It hurts having to share that
All over again

I'm scared of the future
And how I'll be
Fragile
Depressed
Filled with anxiety
Will I have a handle on my life
Or will the wheels fall off?
And I'm left to die
Will my feelings for change
Do they remain?
Does love exists in my dictionary
Or is it replaced with hate?
Do I see clearly?
Or is it all a blur?
Do my friends stick by me?
Do I sit in the house alone?
Do I grow old and forget my nae?
Or does the noose come to claim me?
Am I happy or sad?
Do I have kids?
Am I lost in my imaginations
Or living them instead?

It's as if
The clock is
T
I
  C
   K
     I
      N
         G
And there's nothing I can do to stop it
It's as if
My life means
N
  O
    T
      H
         I
          N
             G
And I can't find a way to make it meaningful
It's as if the music beating in my ears doesn't
W
   O
      R
         K
And I don't know what to do without it because I'm
A
  L
    O
      N
         E
With no one to turn to or tell my story but...
Would they even
C
  A
    R
      E
To know that I'm dying inside?

Falling off a bike is like breaking your heart for the first time

You don't know this strange pain that's hitting you in your knees or your chest
And it hurts but you don't know this feeling creeping inside your body and making you numb with pain
There's tears because you can't understand why something so simple could hurt so bad
It's a shame because you have to go through it over and over again
You'd ride the bike again but you'd give up on love
One hurts just a little bit too much
Knee pads won't save you from the eternity of pain because you decided to fall in love

confined in my mind and looking for a way out
it's not so easy trying to get a hold of whats reality and hallucinations
im just wondering and looking for certain locations
places i don't remember but the scene speaks to my soul
and im afraid of whats going to happen with all these holes in my mind
and wondering who i've hurt

growing up they didn't tell you that love hurts
only that it's one of the best things you'll ever experience
and also one of the worst things you'll feel
they don't tell you how stressful love is
or how late you stay up crying
they only tell you how good it feels to be with someone
and not how to keep living when they leave
they don't tell you that one day someone will decide that they don't love you anymore
and you can't change their minds
they don't tell you that you'll be on the ground watching him leave right out the front door
they don't tell you that your first love won't be your last
but the first of many because you're looking for all the other fish in the sea but none of them could even amount to that first love you had when you were young, foolish, and naive
they don't tell you that love is only a chemical state of mind
and all of this that you're feeling is because you let it be more than what you think
and
they don't tell you that heartbreak hurts much more than falling
they don't tell you that once you fall, you might not get back up
they don't tell you that love may never come your way
and while you're waiting there's others who have that love they don't deserve
which is what you deserve
yet you're here...
alone...
sad...
stuck
wishing for a love
that may never come

I just get so tired of all the lies
And the regret
Tired of all the tears that I've wept
Tired of being me but not being me all at the same time
Tired of feeling like I'm empty inside
Tired of being tired even though nothing changes overnight
It's been 18 years and I'm starting to lose this fight
So how can I get back to the times where it all made sense
And I'm no longer depressed or feel like I'm in somebody's else's head
How do I tell my parents that I live with this illness and although they can't see it
It's been apart of me for a while
How do I tell them that I'm ready to die at any given moment
And I've already written my letters goodbye over and over
Trying to get it just right?

And how do I tell my friends that I love them when I can't love myself
That they make me happy
But bring so much guilt
How do I tell them how I feel when I don't even know what this feeling is
I'm just TIRED all of the time
And when I'm not I think of why I shouldn't be happy
And why the worlds so ****** up
Or how things just aren't meant to be perfect
Just a little damaged but I'm completely ****** up
With no hope
And I don't know how to crawl out of this deep hole
I can't break the chains
Or move the hand from my mouth
I'm just stuck here like this
And it's been like that for a while

I hate myself
It's not a surprise
Most teens are
Insecure
Depressed
Filled with anxiety
Ready to jump.

I remember being 8
I've always thought that one day I would just get smaller
But I got bigger
And my circle of bullies got bigger
And my friends smaller
My sobs louder
And my laughs nonexistent

Here comes middle school
And the kids are even crueler
I wished and prayed that this fat would just go away
And I could have friends again
I lost more
And I gained some again
I got bullied for everything
And I hung my head in shame
I didn't speak
I wished that they couldn't see me
That I was invisible
Out of sight
Free

Third but not last
High school
My not so old friend
I sliced my skin more than once
Cried a lot
Discovered pieces of myself
And lost some pieces too
Loved some
But hated most
Wished that it would be better
But it was all a lie
I didn't go to prom
I barely graduated
I was glad when I left
That I would never have to come back

I learned what my mental illnesses are
And the voices in my head aren't real
But I can't stop them from saying these terrible things
I'm stuck in my own mind
How does that even happen?
Well it did
And now I can't tell the difference between me and trash
Because we're so alike
Nobody wants us but ourselves.

Not like we'd let anyone in anyways
We're too broken to love someone else
Too ashamed to tell our secrets and how much we've failed
Too scared of letting go
Of the things that make me us safe.
We're fried in the head
Loopy
Too much to manage.
Crazy
But they don't know how crazy in the head we really are.

Love galore
It was all being given to you and none to me
Showered in abuse instead of love
Embraced on the cheek with a fist instead of a kiss
Looked at with disgust instead of admiration
Told that I'll never be able to leave but you can't wait until I'm dead
I'm the one loving you when no one else is
The only one treasuring you when no one does
Still in love with you because i know you won't make it alone
But here I am, loving you
When you don't love me
Stuck in this 'love galore'

I hope you can deal with my grumpiness in the morning
My snoring through the night
Sometimes I even talk in my sleep
I'll want you to cook all the time and cuddle me too
I hope you're warm and smell good
Please be able to take a joke
I love to laugh
Love me with all you have
Kiss me like it's the last time you ever will
Look past my eyes and into my soul
See me for my heart and not the body it's attached to
Love me for me and I'll do the same for you
My future husband, I love you.

do i not have the right to be outraged
to see that my people have once again been dehumanized
throw down on the grounds, beat up, killed
as if this is an everyday thing?
#blacklivesmatter until i die, because i know deep down that this world won't change and we'll still be holding up this sign a hundred years later
#handsupdontshoot might still be there too
you say have positive thinking but how can i when im too worried about my nephew being the next bLaCk kid shot down for having a toy gun?
because he's bLaCk
not white
because he lives in the hood
and not the suburbs
he has food stamps
not cash
tootie fruities
not fruit loops
he takes the bus
too broke to afford a car
yes, he works
but at mcdonalds
it's not good enough for them but they put us where we are
so how can you complain
when you're the cause of it all?
RIP
#MikeBrown
#TrayvonMartin
#PhilandoCastile
#TamirRice
#D­eJuanGuillory
#JordanEdwards
#EricGarner
#SandraBland
#DontreHami­lton
#QuaniceHayes
#FreddieGray
#EzellFord
#AkaiGurley
And to so many more.

all of these people say they really need me
but they're never around
all of these people say they love me
but weren't there from the get go
things get too hard and i'm the one that needs love
everybody's like casper
a ghost
and i just think it's funny how
i'll sit at this computer all day
looking for messages that never came
concern that never come around
a simple 'are you okay' never even crossed the screen
so how should i feel?
should i be the stupid one for staying around?
for pretending to act like im still happy in this friendship?
that what they say warms my heart?
or is it the ****** up voice in my head
and the insecure thoughts in there too
let's add a sprinkle of anxiety
that'll help me too
help me decide
just what to do
how to fix
my broken life

the current flows rapidly down my cheeks
and my eyes puffy like balloons
my face quivering, the sobs erupting from my mouth
my knees weak
my heart shattered
i tell myself i shouldn't cry
that i'll be okay
but how do i know that?
how do i know that this hurt is going to stop?
what if it never stops?
is it like a toothache?
the pain comes and goes, only getting stronger and stronger until you have to get it taken out?
what if i can't remove this pain like i can my tooth?
what if this ache in my heart won't heal and the crack will never mend?
who am i to know what my heart wants?
maybe it's tired of my reckless decisions and has decided that it doesn't want to be healed
maybe it will stay this way and prepare for the next wave of pain to come just like that toothache
but...
what happens when the pain is finally too much?
can i die from a broken heart?
how will i prepare for another love?
how do i know that this is the one?
how do i know that he loves me?
how do i know when it's finally going to end?
how...

I've lived my life long,
No longer shall I fight.
I've cried hard,
Now my tears will dry.
I've yelled for help,
But ended up saving myself.
There's nothing left for me,
I must die.
I was born to make a change,
that change was within myself.
Destined to become different,
But saw nothing was normal about me.
I've been different since birth.

It's stupid.
I'm this sad over love.
Why am I so caught up?
I'm supposed to be emotionless.
Free of my ties from you.
But I still see your face everywhere I go.
Haunting me in my dreams.
It's not necessarily your fault but I'm going to blame you anyways.
You made me this way.
Why'd you have to pretend to care?
Say all those sweet words...
The lies leaping off of your tongue and diving into my heart,
making me believe you were really *the one.

Don't preach at me.
Don't spit those words.
Shut up & keep it to yourself.
I didn't ask for your opinion anyways.
Not everyone needs or wants to hear what you have to say.
Shut up & keep it to yourself.
Not everything you say to do is the right way.
I want to live my life free, not constrained by your rules.
So shut the **** up & keep it to yourself.

why does it hurt so bad
when does the pain ever stop
when will my tears dry
when will my love for you vanish
why are you always invading my thoughts
i'm tired of seeing you in my dreams
your face on other peoples body
i want to reach out
but you're happy now
happy without me

is it weird that i think hell,
might just be,
the perfect place for me?
not that i dont want to be in heaven.
but am i,
simple ol' me,
good enough for god?
i tell lies,
sometimes i talk behind peoples back,
i don't always respect my parents,
and i even think that im too good for people sometimes.
does that make me bad?
well,
it sure doesn't make me good

rough draft:
Hang a picture of me up on your wall.
Don’t forget me, I was your first love.
I’d also like to be your last, you were my first and only friend.
It felt as if you wanted to hang me from the tree, all your screams were choking me, they were the rope that held me captive.
I couldn’t see past the tears, they blinded me.
They blinded me from seeing you walking away.
They remained sketched into my memory whenever I thought of you, my first and only friend, lover, soulmate.
First, you hanged me on tree of love, and I felt warm, happy, a life worth wanting.
Then you hanged me on the tree of worry, and I couldn’t asking, ‘Are you okay?’ ‘Why aren’t you talking to me?’ ‘Is there someone else?’’
Lastly, you hanged me on the tree of heartbreak, and I couldn’t breathe, move, or speak.
I asked you why, but you didn’t say anything to me.
I screamed at you, and you showed me your back.
I fell to the ground and weeped as you laughed.
I wanted you, and only you to be my sweet, until you hung me on that ******* tree and left me weak.

revised version:
Hang a picture of me up on you wall.
Don't forget me,
I was your first love.
I wanted to be your last.
You were my first and only friend.
Also my first and only love.
But, things change.
You changed.

It felt as if you wanted to hang me from a tree.
All your screams were choking me, they were the rope that held me captive in your terror.
I couldn't see past the tears, they blinded me.
Blinded.
Blinded me from seeing you walk away.
The bruises on my neck remained etched into my memory,
whenever I thought of you.
My first and only friend.
Lover.
Soulmate.

First, you hanged me on the tree of worry, and I couldn't stop asking.
Are you okay?
Why aren't you talking to me?
Is there someone else?

And then it was the tree of heartbreak, and I couldn't breathe.
Move,
Speak.
I gripped the rope as hard as I could and ****** in air, trying to hold on.
Trying not to shatter, just like my heart.
I screamed at you, and you showed me your back.
I finally released my self from the noose, falling hard.
Weeping while you laughed.
I wanted you, and only you.
To be my sweet,
Until you hung me on that ******* tree,
And left me weak.

why should i pretend that you haven't hurt me
that i haven't hurt you
that we haven't hurt us
why should we pretend that what we had was golden when we both know that we screamed all night and we cried our hearts out trying to make it work
knowing it would fail
but we made it ours
although it is no longer
it feels good to know
that you don't have to pretend anymore
you can love with someone else without pretending
i'm not there yet
i'm still hanging on
just a bit longer
missing how it feels to pretend

He doesn't know what his purpose is.
Does he even have one?
Is he a giver?
A taker?
What is it?
All he does now is wash dashes in a nasty restaurant with cheap, foamy soap that barely cleans the dishes.
Not that anyone would notice that.
He doesn't want to live this way forever,
But his bad luck is ceaseless.
There's no way that something good would happen to him.
At least not in this life.

Our love wasn't really love, but it still hurt when I saw her.
I whisked away the pain like whisking the lumps out of cake batter.
They were still there.
Just like my love for you was.
It's silly because it's been so long but every time we talked I still felt your touch as if you were right next to me,
Like you used to be.
Just as warm as I remembered.
And I shouldn't think about the imaginary 'us' because I'm supposed to be in love with someone else but,
I just love you,
So much.
I didn't think you'd be with someone so soon.
I knew that you wouldn't wait around,
but I had this bit of hope that you'd stay, just a bit longer.
I pushed you of my head,
But, here you are again, making me remember things I shouldn't.
At least not while I'm with him.
He doesn't make me smile like you did.
Or laugh,
Or cry.
He's not you and I'm having a hard time trying not to compare him to you but it's so hard when all I can think of is you,
With her,
And her,
With you,
And the love we had,
Gone.

How long should I sit here and pretend that I haven't wanted to end it for 17 years?
How long should I say 'I'm good' when I was just crying the bathroom ten minutes ago?
How long should I stare in the mirror and say 'Maybe I'll cut my hair tomorrow' knowing deep down I won't go for the next six months.
How long should I avoid the inevitable?
How long is too long?
How long can I look at this world, this society, and think that this is the type of world I want to live in?

You've only seen a glimpse of my world.
A glimpse of my hatred,
happiness,
sadness,
depression,
anxiety,
loneliness.

A glimpse of whatever I want to show you because I'm scared.
Scared of how you'll see me when I sob on the ground because I've dropped a plate.
And yes, it may be just a plate but I've been so clumsy and tired.
Disturbed and discouraged by the voices.
The last thing I want to do is drop a ******* plate.

I'd be rattled if you knew that I can't function without pills.
I hate taking them because I can't feel,
But I don't want to hear anymore voices.
I don't want to be the usual freak on the street you know.

If you knew how hard it was for me to get out of bed you'd be surprised.
I only slept three hours last night but I was terrorized the whole time by my own personal demons.
I lay there with my eyes bloodshot and wide open, my body numb.
I want to get up, but what is there for me when I do?
Work?
Like I'd actually want to be there.

If you knew that people stared at me and thought I was hot until the scars adorning my body changed their minds.
And the whispers began.
"Oh my god..." "She's so ugly, such a freak." "******* emo's."
I don't go outside without long clothes anymore.
The only good thing is that I don't have to shave anymore.

I don't visit my family.
I haven't in the last 2 years.
They don't need to see the person I've become.
Even though they've helped made me this way.
And they never stop calling, and calling, and calling!
Can't they understand that I don't want to talk!?
Oh, yes!
Another ******* breakdown.
This time, I didn't drop the plate on accident.

I'm no good to anyone broken.
So I'd rather pretend to be fine and smile.
Than to let you in...
Than to let you see more than that glimpse of what is really *me.

The first time my lips touched a cigarette,
I cringed at the taste but I ****** and puffed the toxins anyways.
smooth.
It was menthol.
I didn't know what that meant.
I didn't care.
I just wanted to be cool with my friends.
They were 14,
I was 12.
'Mature for my age'.
I had fitted in.
But was smoking that cigarette really, really worth it?
I haven't talked to those 'friends' in 6 years.

my feet are pounding the ground
but it feels like im flying
my heart is beating like drums
but i can't feel it at all
all i know is that im a few steps away from freedom
can my feet take me there?
maybe i can leap to it
i can't fail
i need this
i need to be free
i want my own air in my lungs
no, not want
need
i need
i need to be free