the constant motion of her earth around
my sun
how can she not see that she revolves around me
always in my view
always out of reach

maybe that's why it will never work
i am stuck here
watching you move effortlessly along your path
i am stuck here
seeing everyone else move along with you

a thousand fireflies dance in my molten heart
each light a flicker of my fancy
trying to imitate your carefree dance
but my heart is too warm
and it burns and burns and burns
but no one can see it.

watching for air                              a mad thing of static to do
unwashed  i hold it all foreign   my perspectives clothed as the enemy
an agreed muscle of tension       with pockets fracked into my hands 
i look out the window   wide agape guidance                                                     invasive drills of heat   the giving sunlight ; punishing,
a tree,   the grieving buildings
the whinging of cicadas
and here i am     watching for air

one point for the weather                                                      
one­ point for the view                                                            
­one big point for my ****** condition                                
one point for the passers by and their galling dramedies

and there it is ; the wiry plan that's built                        
from one small tickle of wild thought              
                                 formed long ago
trickling to the current day
some whipped wit of poisoned psychology          
     fed to the inbreed   (welcome   you panting imp)
decades of saved up fatty layers
a deed   of habitual sediment
retching until the tide laps become still
   a cured and congealed gladness
marbled, a butcher would say
i am full and hearted and heated and padded senseless
        turned under a heel   with my wastrel history
  i’ve accomplished this     a stifled condition
                               of poisoned obscenity

seated deep        almost fully incapacitated  
in my armchair   on this chummy day
my leisure clothes greasy     sluck against my blemished hide
a packet of cigarettes   to my side
rounded upon  by sounds of the neighbours affairs
with a gasp of energy   i 'skin one off' vigorously
my system trembling   with years of hard liquor
borderline   to a state of unconscious whelm
retained final       prime for ignition
i could manage a spectacle
a blinding flare
                                  a glorious incineration
and the release
                      of my true oder

i light a match for my cigarette

This morning I woke up
missing how things used to be.
I miss the warm and the comfort that my family used to bring.

Belonging, that’s what I miss
for now I’m only a stranger with nowhere else to be.

I have these memories,
and I wonder if that is all they’ll ever going to be.
The happiness and the calm,
they feel so distant from me.

There is this aching pain here in my chest,
it makes me uneasy,
it doesn’t allow me to rest.

I used to be known to anyone
but myself.
Now I’m trying to get
closer
to who I really am,

but every step I take leads me
away
from everybody else.

But that little girl is all alone,
in the dark she’s screaming for my attention.
For too long I’ve ignored her cries,
too focused on the people around me
and on not creating any tension.

All this energy I’ve used,
all the dedication I gave,
it all feels like a waste of time.

For if those people knew who I was,
then why I still felt so utterly
alone?

maybe it’s because of my Lou
of the magic she creates.
She’s quite capable you see,
with her in two places I can be,
whereas before only in one I used to be.

I can be on the surface,
grounded in the present,
but holding the hand of that little girl all together.

maybe that was enough,
it had been for a long time.
But now I want more.

Yes I am greedy, and I don’t want to deny it.

I want to be in those two places all the time.
I want to hold that girl’s hand and tell her
that it is all right.

I want to do it while sitting at dinner,
when my dad makes his jokes.
I want to do it when my mom asks me if I like
the new shirt she just bought.

I want to do it when I play cards with my grandma,
and when I’m around my other friends.
Because while I comfort that little girl,
it is her who gives me strength.

So here I am,
trying so hard to walk towards her.
I’m trying to keep her with me,
near the surface,
grounded in my present.

She’s scared,
and so am I.
Sometimes she slips away,
sometimes I still ignore her cries.

It’s just so difficult
and I struggle to understand why.

How can they know me, if that girl
was never by my side
when I shook their hand, or when I made them smile?

They knew a stranger, an imposter,
that’s what they knew.

But why am I so distant from them now,
when all I’m trying to do is
presenting them the truth?

Are they angry because I lied?
I didn’t mean to do so.
I just couldn’t hear her voice for so long.

It pains me that the road towards the light,
towards that girl,

it’s such a lonely road.

It saddens me,
when the reason I only moved is because
I didn’t want to feel alone at all.

I felt not whole around the ones that
loved me.
I wanted to be whole
for them.
Now I am not whole yet,
but each day a little closer I get.

But why is it that always a stranger is all I am?
A stranger to myself in the start,
a stranger to them in the end.

Perhaps there is another road,
another path that I’ll take
once I’ll have conquered the present
with the little girl here in my presence.

Perhaps only then I’ll be able to see
how to make those memories real
how to live them again
as a new me.