The sanity of my mind in its most breathtaking imperfection
It's memories all blue and drunk with anger
A graveyard instead of a brain
A reckless driver of my hormones

I wish I'd stop feeling at all
Because feeling is painful
Existing isn't light
My bones, broken and trapped in my dead flesh
That won't let them escape.

I can't walk
I can't get out of bed
I scream help but just like my dreams
No voice is coming out of my throat

Either I'm dead or voiceless
or everyone else has gone deaf

I am racked with pain
My courage has become too bitter to swallow
Hope will never appear at this abominable party
That my body has become

My faith is fake

My knees clank
I numb
I wish I was dead
Or instead never been born

My eyes, a sun of shame too bright to look at
Men are the meat and women the wine
I swallow them both
I'll take them with me as I go

Cause I don't wanna go alone
I cry but no one listens
Except the dead or the desperate
The latter will never help another one of them

So I'm stuck with the dead
The deaf ones
I'm stuck in the deaf-land of the living dead

Blood, your beauty is my last home

Fill a bathtub with you and dip me into my mama's belly again
With all her bloody warm fluids
I want to be a baby again!
I want to start again!

With no pain

Blood, stop inviting me at night
It's not polite
I thought you were good
But you're as messed up as everyone else

I agonize
The rapes
The thirst for my mother's milk
I wish she was dead

But in a way, she's already dead

Please blood, make your whispers stronger
Your invitation more seductive
Fill the bathtub and fill me up
Fill the crater that trauma and torment left in my heart

Kindness, please fill the bathtub instead of the blood
Why you never knock my door?

Compassion, could you try to fill this bathtub?
Why you've disappeared?
Actually, we've never met.
But now it's the best moment to make it up to me.

So, come Compassion
and I'll forgive you and I'll love you
and I'll fill every day a bathtub with you
and swim in its endless depths
bigger than every ocean

every day

Kindness, Compassion,
Have you both become deaf?
Or are you voiceless?
The blood has taken you both

I'll never know if I go

But death isn't scaring
Life it is
How life alters you to the bone it is
Isn't it?

could I
.... finally be?

Oculi 23h

Selene sat in her cradle for many months
While her brother was always on so many fronts
But these few moments or months are hers
As the crippling and demanding cold stirs
Such pure whiteness all around these nights
In conditions like these, nobody picks fights
The loveliest, loneliest, most bothered days
But soon, the people of conflict will enter the fray
Helios comes again.

I don't want to be this way,
I don't want to lose you as my friend,
please come with me, come with me,
Are you feeling me, filling me,
{that was gay sorry}
In school they called me names,
so I want to end it all,
I walk alone in the rain,
I walk alone on my way home,
I want to burn everything down,
I don't want to have this frown,
I bought a gun, but I can't shoot myself,
because I didn't buy any bullets,
I abuse myself....with drugs and alcohol,
but there is no one to tell me,
"What you do is wrong",
I don't even have a place to call my own,
because I am so lonely,
Please come with me,
don't leave me alone.

This is a mistake...

Riderless bicycles
leaning against the sycamore
lonely autumn friends

November 2017, Place Dauphine, Paris
N 1d

And then her screams

began to sound

like sirens

but no one seems

to hear them.

There were no walls

thicker than her temples.

Arasynya Cain Aug 2013

Loneliness peaks at the hour of the dawn. When the sharp bite of the crisp morning air, sends and icy shiver down to the very core of your soul. Leaving you longing, begging, to the comfort of another's warm body. But only to find empty air and a cold gasp in aching lungs to remind you there's no one there.

adr 2d

until the morning
there’ll be times
the world seems out of control.
days will come that make you feel
you never can be whole.

until the morning
“happy” may be
your greatest challenge faced.
little smiles come painfully
and every effort is waste.

until the morning
yes, you will cry.
the tears will flow (with reason):
maybe you won’t feel any love
or love will change with season.

there will be mourning.
and sometimes, dear,
you won’t know why you do it.
you’ll weep and weep into the night
and won’t see reason to it.

until the morning
you won’t find
the purpose to keep going.
you’ll cower when the light fades out,
when the darkness starts its showing.

but then comes morning.

and, ah! the sun-
it will burst in through your cracks.
your lungs will fill with air again
and you’ll finally relax.

dear, until the morning
there will always
be my hand to hold.
now close your eyes; the hour is passing
and night will soon grow cold.

I pulled myself from the gallows, don’t you ever forget
I pulled myself from the grave, even if I dug it in the first place
What demons I couldn’t pull from my chest,
I choked with a leash until they became mine
No, I’m no demon, but I’ll be damned if I’m pulled beneath the ground again
And I must stay alive and be damned, well, we all make sacrifices
And sometimes that means yourself
If I must live scarred, it will be my own wounds from here on out
I bled too much for others, paid for too many of their sins
Now I only bleed for those who did for me
It’s a dangerous pact, but rightfully so,
In a world so infested with back stabbers, face crawlers, and pirates
“Them’s fightin’ words!”
Well I rehearsed it the other way a thousand ways,
And they booed me off the stage for being too “nice”
Thus Frankenstein rises again
the Fourth Act of the living dead
A chorus of dead organs with the brain of a monster
With only a gifted few who know the tune to his heart
Hold your love close, cover it in cold iron
All I ever wanted was to be a lover
But you’ve never let me stop fighting
Long enough to heal my face, or ice my knuckles
One battle after another, sometimes simply to stay alive
And no fight was ever good enough
No amount of blood enough to allow peaceful passage
No amount of tragedy enough for a break
So now I’m most at peace, when the battle rages around me
Well fine, let the drums sound and the bells chime
I’m better when I’m unhappy, it’s welcoming
Tragedy comforting like a warm blanket
My blood boils at the sight of danger
My brain runs on auto pilot when shit hits the fan
I guess I’m just happier when I’m angry
That’s not unhealthy is it?
When I die, will they say “He died unhappy and thus,
He died doing what he loved”?
Nah, they’ll just make my end a tragedy too.
Say they did everything they could
Or he was a monster, not much left of him
Or that they never saw it coming.
That I was the one that didn’t belong
Maybe I never wanted to.
I sure as Hell don't now.

Kyle Dee

Loneliness is like a ghost
creeping me up on a Saturday afternoon
and gone
as if it has never been there
the other day.

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