Dorian 5h
In the silence I fool myself
hearing a call from space.
Laying in pools of dark
shadows, I pray for
another awakening.
--
With hard dirt beneath me,
I find myself sleeping.
---
Plasmatic ribbons of scarlet
raining soft around my body
as I lay hear in the circle of
this warm and dim light.

I can feel the weight lifting,
Oh, my body is ascending.
This is the beginning of
a long awaited night,
---
The words you speak come slowly.
You whisper how you wish to know me
in the quietest ways:
body and mind

I feel as though I've missed you
in the deepest parts of me
my whole life.

Will you take me with you?
Take me back to your home.
From up here where I've come from
seems so dark and cold.

If you leave me behind,
I won't make it on my own.
I cannot return.
I can't stand to be alone.
---
The scene you set permits
the acquittal of my submission.
Myself: flawed, and sight: fogged,
in overwhelming passion for...
...you...
...tap into me as I'd tap a tree
to leak the sap. The steady
bleeding comes in rich amber beads.

Liquid metal in my veins
serve as a token for your mission.
The time it takes to drain me
tapers in a mysterious fashion.
---
All I've been and all I'll be
was left with you when you left me.
I'm grounded with the weight on top of me.
---
In the quiet, I'm woken by
the snap of a twig.
Eyelids part, only the
canopy above me.

A sea of forest green
illuminated by stars.
I know where I am,
but not where you are.
I've lost the words to convey what I feel.
I've gained the wisdom to see what is real.
I've lost the courage to believe I will heal.
I sing a song to calm my soul.
To forget for a moment all the pain I know.
And I feel myself slowly becoming cold.
So I sing that song to find some peace,
but this throb in my chest will not cease.
Until I am numb, and I'm almost there,
for this pain I endure,
I cannot bear.
im starting to lose the will to fight battles i always lose against evil that always wins
Sickeningly empty. Surrounded by silence
Its unerring and it aches. A single fruit on a monstrous tree
A car without gears a pilot without a stick
Biologically nonsensical, emotionally dead
And I slept
Last piece I found without record. The where why what and how are lost to time.
Sunny 16h
During the day, I don a mask
One I wear to hide my past
There are so many people around, yet I don’t talk
What else am I to do but gawk?
When I look around, everyone is in a herd
I want to join in, but can’t find the words
Every day, I’m lost in thought
Trying to find this answer I’ve sought

They say I’m nothing, they say I don’t talk
They say I’m a downer, that all I do is walk
with my head pointed at the ground
All of these people laughing whenever I’m around
It just pisses me off
All I want to to do is scoff
I’m sick of everything I do being overblown
I just want to be left alone.

But…when I am alone
When I’m left on my own.
I weep.
My tears, finally dripping through the seeps.
And I feel something, through all this grief.
A sweet burst of…relief.
This is the other mask I wear
The one that no one sees, because they don’t care.
I want to find someone that does.
Until the day when I meet you at the bus stop,
the same one I dropped you off at some weeks ago,
when I get to stand on my tiptoes to kiss your smoke-scarred lips,
as you have to slouch to envelope
every inch of yourself around me,
keeping me safe, keeping me warm,
I will close my eyes and play back
that night where I sat in
the passengers seat, staring out
my dust covered window
trying to hide the tears
streaming down my face,
because we promised each other
we’d stay strong,
no I miss you’s, no please hurry home.

Until the night when I get to make you your favorite dinner
- rosemary steak and garlic potatoes -
and we get to sit at our dining table,
laughing over wine and memories,
I’ll begin to forget the loneliness I felt when you left,
because I knew you’d come back.
We made a promise to ourselves,
and timing is not always the best,
but in our selflessness we find strength.
I know this is the best thing for us,
for our future, so that our life together
can finally begin,
but the days feel like months,
and the weeks, years,
and this time alone is killing me.
You made me feel alive,
please come back home.
I miss my husband.
My love
is lonely
my loneliness
is breathing
my breath
is free
my freedom
is sleeping
my sleep
is Me
finding myself
amidst a
bunch of
leaves or
souls that
fell in
love once
and never
recovered from
the fall
or falling.
I am the one, cornered in a corner,
                                   melancholic
I am the one who is not invited
He who dances alone
you never liked that one word could take me from light to dark,
a flick of a switch.
you never liked my constant questions,
my curiosity made your eyes twitch and your fingers reach for mine in hopes that i would be silent.
you never liked how i loved you,
my heart was too full of you, too much for you.
my emotions were always over the top,
you never liked that either.


i learned to mute these key parts of myself,
to only bring out the pieces you loved.
i became adjusted to feeling unwanted,
but a glimmer of hope remained in my mind that
maybe, one day, you would want all of me.
hell, at least i could try to be wanted by you.
i could try and be enough for you.
if i just put one foot in front of another, you would eventually want me, all of my flaws included.
if i could just keep going and going.

if i could just keep working to make you want me.

i wasn't myself with you- that i know for sure.
but i would've spent every moment being someone i'm not,
if it meant i could stay with you for even one more second.

i'm beginning to realize that we were flawed from the start.
Last nigtht I slept with my loneliness
It was better than sleeping all alone
It was better than nothing at all

She didn't leave in the morning
She made a great company
We shared the whole night
              with all her stories

We talk for hours until dawn's coming

Perhaps today I decide to invite her again
to have a coffee with her, go for a walk
Maybe I'm starting to fall in love of her
I can barely know what's on my head
so I can't tell what's on my heart

Maybe I'm start loving my own loneliness
and I find that kinda pretty sad
T R S 1d
Note to self: I have plan for tomorrow. Be scared if you're planning on participating.

Forget everyone. Really.
People are going gorgeous and being lovely, but forget them.
Let them vibrate my mind makings.
Said they shredded and stood unencumbered,
lumbering backpacks of beholden abstract knots.
Thick snot aught to be plinking into wax boiled ww1 army cots.
Gut shot free based hard thoughts.
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