Silently
drinking gin
and tequila,
warmly
greetings
from spoons
and fork
of the diners
I become lively,
punch the jukebox
for that shaking boom,
Dance to worldly live,
as my eyes open up,
to awakening of the hive,
beats to curb falls,
Juice of reckoning,
and she will slip
past another
pass out drunkard.

Nighttime often finds me conversing
With the moon, my loyal sentry;
But when Love's memories come to call
Too willingly I grant them entry

At times the moon seems indifferent,
And behind clouds vanishes from sight;
(He too sails an ocean of darkness --
With loneliness that matches my plight.)

As distant bells announce the twelfth hour
Solitude spreads its cloak of gray,
How can I dismiss those memories
That still guide my footsteps by day?

As ghosts of love come marching past me--
What yearnings these visions invite;
And while I'm absorbed in reverie
My bleak realm is aglow with Love's light

Grateful, I relive  those lost moments ---
Those joys  Fate has chosen  to smite,
When Yesterday's hand gently guides me
Through those hours of unbridled delight

With or without the moon's radiance,
I'll follow this path,  for I know
By and by I'll reach that green valley
Where streams of sweet memories flow

Used to play hide and seek
With emotions
That made me "weak"

They counted
Only to ten
Not much time to hide
So they always caught up
And found me
In the bathtub

Over time
They knew all spots
I used for hiding
They always find me

They make no noise
Walk on their tippy toes
Silent shadows
In endless rows

I don't want to play
But for them
Even when it's over
The game never ends

I crave connection —
so much so that I become ravenous.
devouring any ounce of contact like a starved child.
not caring if soft words or sweet caresses are poisoned with crooked intention.

I crave connection —
so much so that the craving turns to solitude
Isolating myself while I digest these crumbs of antipathy.

I used to knock
She would answer
All around the clock
She never asked
Why I was so late
And with a smile
Opened the gate

Always had space
For the quiet ache
I couldn't erase
We talked for hours
Went for walks at the lake

I wore out
The welcome in
Now I doubt
If i should knock
And if I do
The once open door
Stays locked

to exist
when i want nothing but love of my own
for myself
some of it,
dedicated entirely to my being,
my skin, by all means

and i feel like this skin isn't mine
like a second layer
some days i dream of tearing it apart
and perhaps finding what i look like
within

is it any different from the other deformations?
do i have it smooth, baby-like, good enough, to be accepted?

had it been all natural,
nature-given, that way i'd have perhaps accepted
alas, knowing it's a play of the world onto me
and in my body,
my blood messing up everything it's meant to do for me
all because of the ones that were supposed to create antibodies

there's this guttural scream that ensnares me whole

where do i go
when i see them fight the demons outside and around
i can't even win the battles that i carry within me, all time round

and i'm on a war with myself
there's rage, there's ache, there's the pain
of when will i accept
i shall forever bargain

why do i even begin to heal if i have to go down the same place
down the same low
the lows hit lower
i see new symptoms, new symphonies of how it could and would
and it does—it gets worse again
and it's a cycle

healing, accept the white little ***** that carry the science of potential magic
put all my hopes, have them disintegrate
go back again
start at the beginning, new dose around—i'm healing

and then i come crashing down again

and it's the nights
and the mornings
that are the worst

both the times, when i should be at my best
i'm battling, wanting to hide and disappear
and wear a snake-like skin on myself

i hate me
and this hatred lives deep within like a monster that birthed itself
out of the normal, the ordinary that i have lacked

there are days where i pull at my roots
watch them fade
watch them fall
i cry and lose hope with every strand that couldn't stand tall
and it's like cemented on me

had it been scales on a snake, i'd have called it flashy
it's disgust that's piled in my eyes, against my being
i see the look on my face
the dead, the dead stares back every time i try to play pretend
and it whispers
it whispers, smirking in my ear

this is what you get

be normal?
oh i would do anything—exchange half my lifeline
if i could live through a healthy half of life
or whatever remains
i've tired myself out of it all anyway

there's bumps
and there's fractures
i feel like it's my own skin that peels
every time i grasp it

and it's visceral
too graphical, no gore however
makes me wonder
how it'd be—moments of softness
where i cherish just me
where who i am isn't my enemy
even just for a breath
i wish to write about that breath

but oh—
imagining is hard when there's nothing left for you to do
the ones living in delusions have thought and wondered if it could all come true
my case is different
so far, years upon years i've been hoping
but the last of this strength, the last drop in the vessel that was given
it might run out as soon as i stop breathing and moping

and i am perhaps the most devastating liar of all
you shall never see me burning myself to the ground
for i'll stand tall through it all
and in front of your lies, i'll deceive and speak my practiced lines
i'm alright, it is what it is—i'll be fine

i won't be. i am not. i'm tired. give me some hope.

i might be a ***** for feelings
and i fear—i fear so loudly in a silence
call me a *******—love is what i want
hatred is all that i got

i have been hiding
and i've been running
and i sat in this adventure ride
never got back out of it

i'm scared
and i don't think i'll get out of this shell ever
so i imagine myself hiding
covered in multiple shells and armors
walls surrounding me, boundaries in the form of
words and my own scars—the ones that aren't even on the surface
protecting me, giving the silent comfort
that they are here, to carry me on, forward

and i've lied so much
i started believing my own lies
forgetting what was the truth
'cause it hurt so much

what do you do when you go down?
where do you go when you are drowning?

quiet is peaceful
quiet is welcoming
like i don't have to perform to exist in here, no
especially the dark
no one can see me
i can't see me
and that's just easy

to exist that way
been felt for, not seen on the surface
not just looked at, but heard
for your voice to find out of your own existence

there's voices in my head
that'll scare you more

what even is there to love
or like?
i see nothing
and on the surface
it's all to despise

show me if there's something
don't tell me it's the heart that's worth it

when you starve yourself for long enough
the void of hunger becomes like it's a normal
the new normal

starving myself of everything
to get used to it the best way
the void, though
continues to grow

i get these random bouts of feeling
such immense loneliness
makes me want to pull in the closest person
hug them tight
take all the warmth
squeeze out my life

i'm layers upon layers
of words and of stories
of people i've met, their memory
and of all who've given up before me
girl in pieces, i shall call myself
would anyone even want me?

i slept in the arms of cities
with no names,
listened to taxis like lullabies
while the moon
pushed its hips against my window.

Aching heart and mind
Needs touch of a caring soul
Yearning company.

it's all fun and games, but it's always the same
same bed and same room, same ceiling I'm staring at again.
till it's middle of the night
and the hole that's inside
growls hungrily through the quiet night.

and I'm trying to stop it, trying to fill it
buying cheap things that i see on the ads.
but somehow serotonin is there for a sec
so it disappears faster than i can feel it inside my head.

and oh, feeling lonely?
watch some lesbian movies
try not to think much and better stop as they kiss
cause it's always the same, the same look, and same ***
and then someone's dies and their love fades away.

makes you feel better, right? hits right in the spot!
didn't you want it? well, that's all we got.
take it or leave it, you have no choice
comprehend your existence, tomorrow might not come.

cause some men just decided we had enough peaceful time
nuclear war sounds great, bring your weapons to frontline.
sell your siblings, your father, they might not come back later
but you're serving for good, isn't that what they said?

**** more man, **** the kids. we will say you were drunk
but your future still bright, keep on with it's shine
obscure someone's whim behind its lights.
these days persons life doesn't cost that much.

write more stuff, create art, sell yourself, life's online
it's thriving, it's giving, saturated to tops
it seems overflowing, while you're doomscrolling
while you're bedrotting, unplugging your mind.

oh, i think of all of this
a million thoughts in my head
and i am still staring
at the ceiling while lying in bed.