You blush without the red face.
Cleaning out my drafts
I heard people say love makes you, no good.
but never believed maybe I should.
Loving you was like filling a *** with a hole at its bottom.
I became the leaf and you become autumn.
But now the pain evaporated and my eyes are open.
confusion and all illusions are broken.
now I know how to walk the right direction.
for all my mistakes I have a way to correction.
Soon this struggle will give me wings to fly.
with a smile, all my tears will dry and from now on I will never cry.
O! Bake me a cake of your lovely
And I'll eat it, savouring every bite
How I'd love to collapse my face right
Now some men they like to smell the
Others, they like the Roses
But me! I like my nose wedged up my
So I can smell her deep sea breezes.
That throne upon which she sits
The sheer arrogance magnificence of
O! I've been up her hills
And down her valleys
But I ain't ever seen anything
Like her two cheeky Charlies.
O! I love their lazy swagger
Would love them served to me on a
Her wonderful pert and Queenly
Her splendid imperious behind.
So you can keep your views on
And fundamentalist religion
Me! All I want are thoughts of you
And your beautiful curvaceous
A girlfriend of mine send me a lovely photo of her bottom, trying to entice me LOL.
people ******* ****
i only have 2 friends that i can really put my faith in
i hate where i live because i feel like an outsider
if it werent for my band id be long gone from here
ive been stuck in my room for as long as i can remember
doing anything but moving forward with my life
and it feels good to get away from all the ******* around me
but because ive been hiding so long from all my friends and family
they don't know the mental adventures ive put myself through
and the person ive become because of it
and ive let others tell me who i am for so long that ive forgotten who i really am
and i know im a good person but i cant just sit here and let others take advantage of me
and everytime i lash out in a fit of rage i feel like I lose a little bit of who i am
or once was
or maybe that's just who i am
an angry and sad person
dealing with my own struggles i place upon myself
and im constantly ******* myself because i know i can be better and do things right
but i take the easy way out and ignore everything that stands in my way
because im tired of trying and getting nothing out of it
and im especially tired of trying to expect the best out of people when that never happens
so im settling on expecting the worst out of everybody
since thats what tends to happen most of the time
it makes sense
it makes sense to me at least
but when people ask me why i act the way i do i just tell them that's just how i am
because it's easier to attach myself to my problems than explain why they're there in the first place
because nobody really actually cares about the problems, they're all just curious
but when im told "hey man how are you doing" im obliged to say "fine" but really things arent ok
not im my mind
but i tell them things are ok just to make people have a sense that there aren't any problems
and if I were to actually bring up anything thats really on my mind
im just met with pseudotherapists and people with solutions who have words of encouragement and goodness
but all i hear is that im wrong
and im used to being wrong
and i try to explain myself to these curious people just to realize that i've already forgotten everything
i dont know why i'm like this
i dont know why these problems are here
im convinced that i dont even have any real problems
and that i've just tricked myself into being angry and upset constantly for no reason
and that just ****** me off even more
I dont know what's wrong with me and i feel helpless and worthless
but thank god for my 2 friends who accept me and endure the hell i think i put them through
i know im an insufferable person on the inside
but ive just gotten real good at filtering the negativity that comes out of my mouth
thinking that none of it matters
because it doesnt matter
none of my problems matter because confronting them goes nowhere but straight down to rock bottom
and i couldnt bear to invite my friends on for the ride
they mean too much to me
sometimes i think that i care about things too much and maybe thats my problem
but then i think that if i really did care about things too much
then id actually make a positive change for the things i care about
and instead i sit here and mope and complain about things out of my control
just to realize that i shouldnt care in the first place
and it all comes full circle
i shouldn't care at all in the first place
i shouldn't care about anything since nothing except for my 2 friends cares about me
im glad i have apathy and rage standing beside me at all times because when i come crashing down
at least i know what will be there to back me up
and once my body makes contact with the cold hard ground
i will have nothing left
and that in itself is a liberating feeling
to know that i have no more responsibility and nothing left to care about
there will be nothing that can turn around and completely subvert my expectations
nobody to make me feel hopeless
but im never gonna reach that point
ill never get that far because ive never gotten far in the first place
i should just stop caring entirely
and ill still be here in my room not caring
not doing a single ******* thing that benefits me
i dont know where i am anymore
lost in my mind
ranting at myself since i am the only person i can talk to about these things
They say at the end of your rope to tie a knot and hold on
There is light touching the horizon
But what do you do when your grip slowly slips loose?
When insides of your palms are lubricated with sweat
And the crevasse below darker than a black hole
So much that it threatens to rise up and with one tug take you spiralling downwards to swallow you whole
So instead of making a knot at the bottom of your fraying rope you may as well tie a noose instead
The whole poem was really just written as buildup to the last line
The best advice I ever got
is once you hit rock bottom
there’s nowhere left to go
Stay up there
Sometime I'd like to see the bottom fall out.
Pull out all the stops, be left without a doubt. Let it all hangout, just let it all hangout. Drenched it all in gasoline light the fuse and watch em scream. That would be a scene, a scene for me with certainty I can dream can't I?
Sometime I'd like to see the aftermath, see what happens after that, after the fact.
**** em out, let's see it out, let's **** em out. I can see it now the freedom aloud to be yourself and not a crowd. Be it now and be it loud, freedoms child with a golden smile. I can dream can't I?
Sometime I'd like to see the children running wild screaming loud and being wild. Plotting how to burn it down. I am certain now I'd turn a smile, being foul like burning bile. It's curtains, hang em in the streets like curtains. I can see em now screaming as they go down. I'm certain, I can dream can't I?
I can dream can't I? I'm certain I can dream can't I? Let's burn it down. I'm certain now I am dreaming aloud. It's all curtains. I'm certain how it's burning now with a turning scowl. I'm certain now its curtains. I'm certain I can dream can't I?
she yells from the bottom of a well,
thinking someone will hear her.
no one does, so she climbs.
as she's climbing, she hears a voice
that voice sends her tumbling
toward the bottom of the well.
she yells until she can't anymore
bursts into tears, curls up into a ball -
and desperately wants to be heard.
#escapril2020 day 3!
you have to lose everything
and hit the rock bottom
to realize what you've done.
But hopefully we'll find out before we get that far.