once you were gone i stopped writing and hand in hand with the words unpoken left the wholeness you had planted in my heart when you turned around i could see snowflakes imprinted on your back staring daringly at the little tree growing in my chest i tried to protect and nurture the words in my brain that after all were just the leaves of what had once been a seed in the form of a single look the cold that filled your absence froze the river that had watered my mind and each leaf one by one turned yellow then brown before it sank to the bottom of it all left naked and vulnerable, the tree, it died as the did the words while i watched the sun and warmth that you embodied get into a car and drive away without looking back
everything happened so fast we cried i left and just like that it was all over like we hadn't meant anything as if we hadn't loved each other it was nobody's fault except for maybe life's we had promised to stay together a promise we couldn't keep i wonder whether i am the villan you stayed behind waiting miserable is all you were i couldn't watch and he made it so easy easy to forget how much i loved you despite the ocean between us you saw me being happy and you hated him for it and i hated you for not wanting me to be you made my life colorful it all faded without you i was scared of the dull grey and he sparked a fire, brought light it felt like being saved how unfair to want that i disgust myself
no one tells you being an immigrant is being a stallion front hooves tied knotted course rope chaffing at your ankles holed up in a greener pasture gnawing at tender leaves while watching acres away those you love wild and free, wind whistling against their cheeks, a throbbing ache to be with them but knowing you cannot.
day and night my thoughts are running in circles around you
at the break of dawn i recall every minute, every second, every breath, every touch when the sun sets my brain conjures new memories intertwining the real and the imaginery afraid of letting you go completely scared i might forget the pierce of your brown eyes, the intensity of your cologne mixed with the scent of a gin tonic, the food stain on your pink hoodie, the raspiness in your voice when you told me you needed me too
i know you have left but does that mean you are really gone?
a little breeze tickles the back of my neck missing a scarf just to feel the winter air uneven ground endless bumps under my feet puffs of smoke attack my lungs consistently miles a day building muscles and endurance birds everywhere truly are the rats of the sky coffee con leche makes me miss home even more foreign words understanding bit of conversations room with two beds proof of a difficult time here sky below finally flying back to my world
I will miss the quiet, selfish nights, spent among books and TV and music. I will miss missing home while feeling at home in a foreign country. I will miss my time being my own to split between friendships, travel, or nothing. I will miss the feeling of my own body, free from the dirt of past indiscretions. Free to be myself, foreign though I may be.