Laura G 3h
??
Desired but never adored
Needed but never wanted
Am I cold & calculated
or broken
with no net, no harness
i could **** myself tonight
but the sun would still rise tomorrow
nothing is alright
there wouldn‘t be sorrow

because nobody cares
nobody gives a ****
and there wouldn‘t be tears
i feel like i‘m stuck

stuck between life and death
i don’t want to waste
another useless breath
somebody like me is quickly replaced

and i‘m sorry
sorry for being disappointing
please don’t worry
i‘m just not good at enjoying

because enjoying life isn’t easy you know
when everything is ****** up
it is going way too slow
can’t it just speed up
CM Lee 4d
I’m 20 with a bachelor’s degree
My dad’s the proudest of me
My sisters are smiling from ear to ear
Finished first, but why wasn’t I happy?

I’m 21 and I passed the exam
It was ruthless, getting to where I am
I was alone in the water but I still swam
Got all the awards and accolades, but ****

I’m 22, no work, no dream
All those times I was rowing on the wrong stream
Forgot who I was and where I’ve been
Now I’m lost and they all think I’m mean

Friends and family said I’ve changed
They said I’d turned emptier and strange
But they don’t understand, I’m not deranged
For a long time, from myself I was just estranged

I’m 23 and still trying to find myself
Lost some people and honestly, I’m okay
Still no job but I know I’m on the right way
I’m finally doing what I love and I don’t care what they say

I.

I used to have a young girl's heart.
It was August then,
when the air was still thick
with promise and trust,
and Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here"
brought us together,
would later be our anthem.

You mentioned fate and
I felt it mid-May,
when our souls slow-danced briefly
as I threw my arms around your neck,
like we knew each other all along
because
we cared with
reckless, childish innocence,
didn't know it until
our realizations collided
like two cars ardently rushing,
not meaning to hurt the other.

On crowded sidewalks of spring
my face colored from the
heat of your eyes.
I couldn't escape your warmth
and I still can't because
I feel you in my sleep
lying next to me,
clasping my hand so we'd never part.
I wish we'd lain like that when we met,
instead of rushing flames to
***** my body
and burn the last remnants
of what I thought love should be.

I thought I said no,
thought the implication was clear,
but you couldn't see through ****'s haze,
mistook fear and discomfort with nervousness,
and your crooked teeth barred my tongue
from giving what sweetness
I saved all my years for you,
took it for granted
as you kissed my neck
the way feral animals
find food in scarce winters --
with furious hunger
rushed by uncertainty
of the next time.

My reticent heart still feels foolish
for risking great vulnerability
in your cavalier hands.

II.

Growing up wasn't supposed to feel empty,
make you leave your body to cope
as it happens to you.
I thought it was passion,
told myself so while covering
the red and purple you left me,
but it was self-serving, systematic,
the way you herded me in and closed
your bedroom's slaughterhouse door.

I thought love was a deep knowing that
life changed and shaped you
to fit someone so perfectly,
made you content
like coming home after
places you'd rather forget.
I thought I was the hearth,
but you warmed yourself
with thoughts of burnt out flames
and I grew cold.

You said they left
like smoke after fleeting fireworks,
but their afterglow you basked in
took my light and singed me,
scorched the earth
so nothing could grow to fruition.

We didn't know you'd
leave gaping wounds
love couldn't mend,
that the past of yours
and ours
would **** any good moment
they touched.

My heart broke into pieces of flint
and I searched the pile for
any fragments of tender times
to desperately dash them
against each other,
strike sparks and set fire,
like maybe I could weld this together
into something whole again
and love you painlessly;
but an embittering rain fell when
I saw you watched me wither and
stitch myself into something smaller
after your idealized times,
still sharp in your mind,
tore me apart.

You could've saved us,
quickly quieted my thoughts and
smothered embers of doubt
with truth's entirety;
but pride hollowed your mouth
to fill with excuses, blame, and lies,
filled me with distrust, instead --
and that weighs
heavier in my heart
than your words themselves.

No wonder forgiveness
slowly limped along and
died before reaching you.

III.

I once believed
I wasted
the best parts of myself,
was emptied by others'
callous carelessness;
but a week with you
I felt something,
like each kiss mended hairline cracks
the first day brought,
like my mouth on your skin
and hands on your body
didn't know they were searching
until I pulled away
and swore I found what tasted like
the rest of my life on your lips,
swore I glimpsed
your aged eyes looking at me
like I was still the last and only
to matter enough
for a smile from you.

We whispered "I love you"
and they'll stay
in the crooks of our necks
for years,
but your earnest hands
could never lift
what you likened an uphill boulder
but was more like a cross
because
we were thick as thieves and
died on that hill.

On opposite sides of love
we shouted our grievances
until we speared our sides
and spilled every reason
this could still work,
resurrected and repeated
until there was more mercy in
leaving each other
nailed to a splintered
dream that died
as we bowed our heads
and walked away saying
it's finished.

IV.

You told me,
"It's like you never left"
after weekends together,
and I know you didn't mean your apartment.

I want to say,
"Honey, come home.
I love you.
I've left the lights of my heart on for you."


I still close my eyes
with the obscene hope
that maybe if my lids could
hold tighter than even we did
my tears could blur
the pain and love you gave
into lasting
forgiveness for future's sake.

Loving in effigy
is my worst fear, too,
but we can't continue
as broken horses
yolked on a carousel
spinning too erratically
for us to stomach.

V.

This bridge turned to ash
but underneath
we're still kissing
until we pull away
with the admission that
we gave more to a fire
that changed us to cinder
as we ran on empty.
You’re there for me,
Until I actually need you.
Then I’m an inconvenience,
You get so angry,
You get so short, shove it in my face and hate everything about it.
Is this what love is?
Is this what needing you is?
If so I never want to need you again.
Atoosa Kourosh Jun 2018
Even before our first date
You make sure we have the conversation
Heaven forbid I should mistake you for a man of honor
That I should have any expectation....

That you know how to treat me
As a friend .....or a lover
As a woman of substance
A lady not a *****


Your immaturity doesn’t surprise me
But until that moment that you Showed your hand
I was willing to suspend my disbelief
To give you the benefit of the doubt
To let you set the bar higher
But you succeeded in lowering my expectations
Even further
ren Jan 1
ah there she is!
she stands alone in a silk white dress,
always looking her best
but it is noticeable how miserable she is,
the people she called friends
were busy with their own.
as beautiful as she is
or as beautiful as she was told she was,
she certainly didn’t feel beautiful,
regret fogged her ongoing thoughts,
wishing she had not came–
until she had saw him,
her stomach turned
and her eyes began to water.
he had not yet seen her,
he possibly had no intention to in the first place
and she couldn’t help but watch him,
watch him speaking with his friends so contently.
she had this small hope that maybe–
just maybe,
he would attempt to speak with her
but twenty minutes had passed
and her hopes were deteriorating.
that was when she decided to give up
as she knew he didn’t want to associate himself
with someone like her
so she quietly left the ball
with tear filled eyes.
invisible,
unimportant,
forgotten,
useless,
foolish,
sadden­ing,
disappointing–
beautiful, she is
but her emotions course through her veins,
she is quite ****.
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