Asonna 16h

It's been a while, but you're recognized
from when we went to school.
You and I have hooked up before,
nothing of sexual relations.
But when you popped up on my screen,
I'll admit there was hesitation.

You push and push then suddenly pull,
don't know if it's a game.
but against my better judgement,
I swiped right anyway.
there you instantly shot a message,
and picked up where we left off.

Before i know it I'm in a car,
the windows are all fogged up.
Hands to my breasts, I'm in your lap,
your lips leeched to my neck.
mind screams "No, what are you doing?"
But my body says "Pleasure me."

If that night wasn't enough,
we met the very next day.
Went back to his and like before
He had his way with me.
Guilty conscience plays repeat,
to this day I probably shouldn't have done it.

He pushed for plans where I didn't have time,
It was either work or moving.
Eventually told me he was done playing around,
but i thought sex was all he wanted.
Told him I was moving 6 hours away
That I couldn't hold that type of connection.

I haven't heard from him
nor have I seen him since
But now that I'm 6 hours away
I've lost all form's of connection
In a new town, filled with new people
It was crazy, but I felt lonely.

The burden that breaks this back
is the weight of letting you down,
having lost your way,
having seen you drown.

You were the bright sky turned cloudy,
as I took shelter from your rain.
Your tears had filled oceans
and I cowered from your pain.

Now my heart hangs as heavy
as the world upon my shoulders.
Punishment fitting for the one
who stole, held, and broke hers.

i just want to be invited to the funeral.
i'll buy a new suit. sunday best.
take the train to london
by myself. take some time to reflect.
stand at the back if that's better
i'll probably avoid meeting your family
because i'll still feel guilty.
about romanticising my own suicide
and telling you death was beautiful,
when i knew that you were just as unhealthy
as me. i was a black miasma.
noxious laughing gas.
i'll bring flowers for your coffin
if they survive the train ride.
the last thing i said to you was
how i felt like falling in love
so i could cultivate a broken heart
and finally kill myself,
you were always one step ahead.

well, this could really ruin my current potential relationship
avalon 3d

one more time she whispers,
she whispers violently, tremulously, like an addict whispers
to the fingernail marks in her skin, like persephone whispers to pomegranate seeds, like sin, and her whispers collect on dollar bills in the wind, and the money flies home but she's still sitting in that bin,

wondering if Hades ever regretted his win.

Stop and start
A beating heart
Boil my blood
Burn my skin
Free my ashes
Hellfire within

This dead soul consumed
By a vengeful world
No heaven or hell
Eternal purgatory
Living cost
So much more
Than death

Strike fear
Into them
Make them good
Because they fear
Retribution
Judgement will come
Did you pay your dues?

Sins wrapped in shadows
The darkness within
Slips out the cracks
Turning innocence out
Guilty pleasures
Everyday trangressions
Just one more
The promise of tomorrow
Be redeemed
Pray to be forgiven

False perfection
Surface beauty
A shining beacon
Blinding saintliness
A matyr to the cause
By living purely
Give not onto temptation

I wrote this after reading a former friend's poem "Buried Alive."  This poem, as well as his other ones, can be found on beelzeblog.wordpress.com if you're interested in checking it out.  

My thoughts on this is some people are "good" because they fear being bad and getting sent to hell, versus being good because they want to be good.

Two stale souls were destined to meet
creating reckless acts amid webs of deceit
the fickle fingers of life's fate
a seed sown on an infamous date

Fractured hearts and friendships lost
lustful longing whatever the cost
a raging fire of painful guilt
bridges destroyed then rebuilt

Forgiven, not forgotten, forever sinners
out of the debacle were no winners
demons still come and then they go
dragging painful memories on tow

Onward and upward the saying goes
look to the future and bury your woes
leave heartbreak and angst in lost love songs
celebrate the rights, don't mourn the wrongs

nothing to add to protect the innocent
/

What can I say?
You didn't read the warning label.

Dangling from the ceiling, fluorescence like drunken accents dripping from the tongue, the fallacies we fashion into stars and let hang in our eyes, etc etc.

You know the story. You were there,

how in that light,
we almost looked human,

the city screaming around us, the dusty night engulfing everything.

I mean, even zippers have teeth,

so slam the window shut. Slam the door. Slam and slam and slam until my name doesn't matter anymore,

your eyes like the barrel of a gun, your eyes like headlights.

I'll be doing the same,

taking pictures out of their frames. It feels different that way, a naked memory.

doing the laundry, cutting up the furniture, spotlights for the spotlights. I know

you liked to think yourself a martyr for our love. I wish someone would've shut you up,

the skin in my teeth from chasing my own tail. You never forget the taste of blood.

Piss off, darling.
I have more important things to feel guilty about.

Shall I turn a blind eye?
Take every misdemeanor and
assume responsibility
Against my being
Break my pride in half
To make room
For the infidelities against my faith?
Maybe I'm naive
To believe the universe
Could conspire in my favor
Just this one time
I place my hands
Bruised and bloody
Against a book of religion
In preparation for the trial
ahead
Who is the accused?
Maybe I am
Maybe I should take the stand anyway
I am not guilty
I am not innocent
There will never be justice

Aug 17. 2017
eternus Aug 15

Why did you
message me
call me
meet me
fuck me
if you had another
waiting for you
yearning for you
caring for you
loving you

We were done
We were the past
Not the present
Not the future

Why did you
make up lies
about
distort the view
about
paint a false picture
about
your "man"
unclaimed man
poor man
innocent man
for over a year?

That gentle creature didn't deserve this.
Because of you, guilt won't silence its rage in me.

He worshiped your essence. He dreamt of today's and tomorrow's with you. You lied about him, as if he was a terrible guy. You pretended to be single just because you were ignoring him while he fought for you. You cheated on him with me. I feel like filth.
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