like my pre-made protein shake dictates
seperation is normal

we were a house
it went on fire
we painted and painted
but we could still smell the smoke

days
weeks
months
have gone by since we last talked
we ended on a not so good note
we both continued with our lives
made change
i found the route i want to take
i hope you found yours too
i spend my days being the happiest
i ever have been
and sometimes you come around
a swift thought rushes through me
for what we were
what we could of been
then i remember
you didn’t love me anymore
and i don’t know if you even ever did
you came around today
i learned that i have accepted the fact that
things are different now
and i am happy that they are
what we had was like an unfinished puzzle
i knew what i wanted
you didn’t
it’s hard some days
like today
but i get through them
i forget all the hurt you have caused me
you did nothing wrong
the truth hurts
but its real
and that is the process of finding who i am
and who you are
i am happy
i hope you are too
or are finding your way
you were always the one to tell me what i deserve
what my life should look like
how i should percieve love
my biggest wish
is that you realize
that you deserve the same
because at one point
you were my best friend
my go to person
whenever i was in a dark place
and that is the best thing that someone could ever do for me
even though you left me heartbroken
the times before that were enchanting
i hope you find that feeling again
for i did
and it is oh so lovely
-then and now

You fell in love with my body
I fell in love with you soul
Somehow when you touched me
You made me feel whole.

I'll stay with you forever
That's what you always said
But what will you do
If I leave you instead?

Will you fight
Will you fall
I guess your love with make that call.
I can never tell if your love is a bluff.
But when I leave I will be sure enough

To know if I'm yours, if you really want me.
Will you hold me
Squeeze me
Kiss me
Love me
Or will you simply let me go.

Would you beg for me to stay
Or let me wonder far away
I guess your love will make that call

One day I'll move on
Your love will be long gone
Fully living your life
With someone's hand to hold
Another soul to crush and mold
Into their broken selves

Forever and Always

-Jillian Jade

I see these thoughts all in your head
But you won't tell me what they are
You're here lying in my bed
So close to my side but you feel so far
When you're asleep that little crease between your eyebrows goes away
I wish I could keep you smiling and take all your pain away

I know you're going through some things I just don't know what they are
We go on walks at night smoking cigarettes and looking up at the stars
I wish you'd talk to me I want to know who you are
Sometimes I wonder if it's me or some thing else you're looking for
I always wonder when will be the last time you'll walk out the door

You look at me but your eyes are clouded with other things
A lot of times when you talk I'm wondering what the fuck you mean
I'm just trying to figure out where we stand
Trying to hold onto you is like trying to hold onto sand
You're just slipping through my fingers like I'm not your right hand man
Like I'm not always the one at the end of the night
Carrying you home watching the demons you fight
Like I'm not the one holding you until you fall asleep at night

I know you say you've never cried but wouldn't letting yourself feel it be better than letting yourself die?
I'm watching you sigh and wondering why your tears are falling out of MY eyes

You see right through me I'm invisible to you
Can you see me? I'm right hear screaming at you
You're blind and deaf to everything I say
I wonder how long it will take me to walk away
I think you're asking me to leave but that's a fact I just don't want to believe
Am I just as blind and deaf to you as you are to me?
Are you screaming at me too trying to show me things I don't want to see?
I guess I'm just as fucken dumb then
Trying to help you heal but how can I when I'm also broken

I love how much we laugh and joke around running all over the town
Whenever we're together I never want to see you down
You frustrate the hell out of me you drive me fucken crazy
But I still love our midday naps, watching tv being lazy

I think about how much you care about me all the time
I wonder if I'm the only one who has the others back or if you also have mine
I'm sitting here laughing having a good time but also questioning if I can trust you
Will we be friends for a hundred years or only just a few

Anything good is rarely ever simple
You threw a rock into my calm lake I watched the water ripple
Affecting my life affecting my mental
Smoke curls around our faces, clouding your smile filled with dimples

I think you know I'll always care, even as the way I care shifts and changes
The way we talk the way we move rearranges
Into a real friendship without restraints or cages
That come with the feelings of more than just friends
That chapter of us has come to its end
But I have nothing but a smile on my face because I'm happy with where we stand

Three years ago today,
We were strangers,
And I almost wish
We still were.
Almost.

Two years ago today,
We said goodbye
To each other.
And I haven't seen you
Since.

One year ago today,
I realized the lesson
To be learned from
One year of loving
You.

Today,
I thought about you,
And "almost" finally
Doesn't hurt anymore.
Finally.

I still see the Sharp reminder gracing my floor
Of where I hurt myself
Chasing you all those times you walked out the door
I should have just let you go right out of my life
After all the times you said you didn't love me
But when I found strength to give up
You came back pleading with me to give more

You will heal in time they say
Minutes pass  
They pass into mass
I don’t want this time
Minutes take time
They steal space
I don’t want this time
Time heals all wounds they say
Minutes steal passion
They steal unity
I don’t want this time
Minutes are more painful than hours
More painful than days
More painful than weeks
Minutes are killing me
I don’t want this time

months will pass and you'll still feel him
like a low buzz when you sing along to the radio.
it will hurt and hurt even when you remember
that you deserved better than him.
but one day the radio will stop, and his presence will disappear into your past and you will slowly discover that your ending wasn't due to your not being enough for him-
he simply wasn't enough for you.

you will discover that you are strong and kind.
that you are the type of person people spend their lives searching for,
and he made the biggest mistake of his life when he walked away from you.
that he was blind to your inner strength, that he will one day look back and his whole body will go numb when he realizes what he did. that he will discover just how deeply he hurt the one person who loved him with everything they had, that no one else can love as deeply as you do.

he will forever compare every other girl to you.
no one will come close.
the pain feels never-ending right now, i know,
trust me, i know that you want so badly for him to be in as much pain as you are,
but, in time, you will come to the conclusion that his eventual pain is much worse than yours.
for yours will pass,
but his is never ending.
for he will never get you again.