I feel my old burns heal over again The restlessness of withdrawals still here Just one more cut to quiet thoughts within Just one more burn to calm the constant fear Just one more viewing to feel less alone Though I have endless private tabs lined up Just one more drink while I scroll through my phone A new shopping spree to feel like enough But my demons will never go away I cut, drink, and ******* to drown it out Who cares if I lose touch, I love the pain I've already far outlived my planned day My plans keep shattering, I've no set route But I can't have you see me like that again
Mostly a venting piece bc I'm trying not to relapse into self harm and sometimes addiction kicks your *** really suddenly 60 days in.
I punish myself because I deserve it. To feel pain is to feel alive. Attracting the heartbreak. A magnet for hurt. What do you love? A cut so small Disguised as accidents. Bruised thighs and getting high. Tuesday night.
i feel hidden inside patient with my my mind as it learns the geography of hurt people hurting people.
my heart gels a film forming humectant lilac and teal insulated
just.. sufficiently from
hurt people hurt people
an endless dreamscape of cacti on a parched plane their arms outstretched
Spikes and Glochids. Cacti wrap around cacti sticky needles remain lodged deep within each the other's succulent skin
their foreign bodies make their way into eachothers blood.
Septecemia in a drought waiting for bloodpoisoning feverish hungering for a terrible flood
and their signs of new drought warning may sound promise of love rain desired pouring
an endless dreamscape of cacti on a parched plane their reaching arms outstretched
we wait for rain
i draft a map. graphite on travelers' paper messily etched the desert is beautiful. so biodiverse and queerly colorful one day.
water starved, unforgiving cracked the next
have you ever seen the indigo wildflowers bloom?
a field of euphoria.
a winding path I could of run from hostile conditions
to hostile conditions
but within hostility i might flower, a winding path of near terrifying bliss.
and i map out the desert because harsh as the terrain desert feverbloom myself
im designed to survive this .
even when I am sad, lately, my energy feels really pure and real. my hearts been filtering away its own tolerance for confused and hurtful circumstances. my love is only a renewable resource when i expend it in warm and intentional spaces.