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staysha 3d
My head pulses to the beat of my heart
My music continues as i ignore the pain
but I like music
Im not really hurting myself if im enjoying it right?
TH 3d
I thought i recovered,
the crave was far gone,
until i took one, pressed it deep,
but didn't bleed.
I tried again,
again couldn't leave the mark,
when it hit me,
I wasn't trying at all.

I thought I recovered,
but I'm still healing,
my heart have the cracks,
fallen bandages,
Healing is a slow process,and,
"I'm recovering" .
TH 3d
I really want to be the best,
I have started sacrificing,
but yet I can't fulfill;
I can't, not now,
I need to heal myself,
to be the best one for you.
Sky 5d
Diet cokes, menthol smokes
Flavoured water, sugar free gum
A bottle of liquor, and a bottle of Tums
Apple slices, plain lettuce leaves
Bitter black coffee, bitter green tea

Sugar free, dairy free, and fats aren’t very nice (BOTH fat and fats aren’t nice)
Carbs are the devil, so don’t be a rebel, and DON’T complain or put up a fight

Gluten free, soy free, and no I’m not allergic, these things are just extra ingredients that will pollute my insides and I NEED to be the closest living, breathing thing to emptiness as possible.

Whoever said to “accept yourself for who you are” has clearly never seen a model
The thinner is the winner, but in order to be thinner, you’ve gotta be a sinner,
Go against the rules of what everyone wants, because everyone wants you to stay fat and **** so that way they can be better than you.  

Whoever said to “love yourself” probably wants a skinny body, but they can’t refrain from the ice cream tub
Whoever said “all bodies are beautiful” just wants an excuse to eat more chocolate cake
Whoever said “Anorexia is a disease” clearly has never experienced the pure ecstasy that comes from fasting or feeling dizzy and thin at the same ******* time
Whoever said ”skinny doesn’t matter” clearly wasn’t skinny themselves, were they?

Whoever said “eating disorders ****”
Well... is right.
TH Nov 28
It is a cold day,
with a colder night;
And my thoughts, seem to be,
coldest of them all.

I tighten my red jacket around me,
trying to make myself warmer,
None of it, helps at all.

The water hits the ground,
every drop colder than before,
as i turn the shower on.
I let the drops hit me,
to break the frost in my mind,
to break stone to soil, I let it.

My teeth start chattering,
as my body starts freezing, I shiver,
I turn the water off.
I dry myself to warmth,
Put my red jacket on,
my teeth chattering, much more,
than before,
And, I feel, relieved.
how can i want to heal yet
keep hurting myself at the same time?
how can i find happiness
when the only thing
that makes me feel good is pain?
Sky Nov 27
They say little sisters tend to follow in their older sister’s footsteps- at first.  

my little sister wanted to basically be me when she grew up.  

I wish I was a good big sister who taught her good things, like all the joy that life can bring.  And how to fly the highest on a swing.

Instead, she watched me binge, puke, starve, and cut.  
She watched me exercise when I had the flu.
She watched me deny food even when I passed out earlier.
She watched me scrape my dinner plate into the trash.
She watched me shove pieces of bread in my pocket.
She watched me scrub the toilet, sometimes the shower, clean of *****.
She watched me twist and contort in pain as I emptied my insides of all the laxatives I took.
She watched me suffocate my waist with measuring tapes and wrap gauze around the cuts I made on my stomach.  

“Go away”
“This is just what big girls do sometimes”
“I’m just getting rid of evil stuff inside me”
Are all the things I’d tell her.

Then I caught her puking.
I caught her skipping meals.
I caught her biting her cheek as she scraped the contents of her favourite dinner- lasagna- into the trash can.
I saw her shove corn in the pockets of her sparkly pink jacket.
I caught her wolfing down my pink laxative tablets.
I caught her struggling to open the cap of my diet pills.
I caught her fumbling with the measuring tape.
I caught her crying because she couldn’t wrap her whole hand around her upper thigh like me.

I caught her skipping jump rope at 2am.
I asked her what she wanted for Christmas and she said “a scale.”

I cried and shouted “why?”

“Go away” she’d scream
“This is just what big girls do, right? I’m a big girl now.” She’d pout.  
I saw her in the shower, clumps of hair stuck to the wall, and deep gashes all over her stomach and her rib cage.  

Mom and dad didn’t care.  They never did.   I was the only one there to really take care of her.  

“I just wanna be a pretty girl” she sobbed.  

“But you are a pretty girl!” I’d cry

“No I’m not.  You always call yourself ****, even when everyone else says your not.  So why shouldn’t I?” She asked.

My sister died in the bathtub.  Wrists slit, favourite nightgown on.  She was only twelve.  

I remember when I slit my wrists in the bathtub.  I didn’t die, but she was 8, and she found me.  There’s only one thing she did that I didn’t do- she succeeded.

All because I taught her, that it’s normal for big girls to do these things.

Her note said: “I was just trying to get rid of the evil inside me”

She should’ve seen me as a role model.   Instead, she just saw me as a model.
For sisters who lost their innocence by following in their older sisters footsteps
Sky Nov 27
I’ll take a black coffee with no sugar.  
It’s disgusting, yes, and quite bitter.
I force myself to consume the bland beverage
Because I just want to feel like a pretty girl.

Milk and sugar will make me fat.  
I know, because when I was a younger girl
I used to drown my coffee in milk,
Until my coffee was the colour of pasty-white
And then I poured in one too many sugars.
The thick and heavy kind, not lite™️.  

I failed to see my waistline expand
As I consumed more calories in my homemade cup
Than in a sugary Starbucks drink
And I would have multiple cups- not just one

I want a black coffee with no sugar,
Because I read somewhere that vogue models drink black coffee to suppress their appetite.
I can taste the ecstasy of a Chanel model in a single cup of bitter ******* black coffee.  
I want to be a pretty girl.  I’m not a pretty girl.
But I will be.  

I want a black coffee with no sugar,
Because I don’t deserve to enjoy my food.
Models probably don’t enjoy their low calorie, tasteless food, but they sure force themselves to, because they actually have control, unlike me.

I’ll take a black coffee with no sugar.
I’ll also take a side of “pretty girl” with willpower.
I ******* hate black coffee.  
But I can’t complain.  Not at this rate, not at this hour.
I want to be a pretty girl.  Pretty as a flower.
Pastelblitz Nov 27
I remember when you held my wrist on our first date

And sadly gazed at my scars

“I noticed your thighs at practice.”

I froze as fear gripped me

“I didn’t want to ask in public”

Silence passed

“But I’ve done the same and you’re not alone”

I broke the silence

“I’m sorry”

He looked up

“How long ago?”

My lips pierced

“I don’t remember”

(Another lie)

(I do, it was the night before my birthday, it was after a fight I believe)

“I don’t remember either”

“I guess we’ve been clean for a long time”

(Another lie)
I’m nothing but scars and I can’t stop crying why do I always blame myself why do I always tear myself down I’m not great or amazing why can’t he see that why can’t he see that I don’t deserve him why am I like this
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