Scrape the sides of my stomach for emotion.
I know it's in there somewhere;
somewhere past the flesh-eating butterflies and yesterday's vomit.
You say you'll help me swim,
But only when I'm drowning.
Those words kill my butterflies and fill their space with warmth.
Treading water in the murky pool of blood in my brain has never been easy;
a lifeguard may be just what I need.
You're not a physic,
You're not a doctor,
But you're helping,
And I can't thank you enough.
When was the last time you told someone you loved them without them disappearing into the floor? Tell me why you have rugs covering all the places you stood waiting for them to come back
Do you still remember the first time you tried to block the voices in your head? You wrote down every word they were saying until you realized that none of them translated to "I love you, too"
Why did you stop skipping stones? Is it because the ripples reminded you of the calls you received from your lover - eventually becoming so separated that you couldn't tell the difference between the ringing in your ears and reality
Tell me why the faucets in your house only run on Thursdays. How you shower with umbrellas to avoid the thunderstorms and how the rain still always seems to find you
Do you remember the Grand Canyon? How your tour guide explained that water pressure of a river can cut deep into a river bed, you started crying.
Where is the life boat you made? How do you keep something from falling apart with only cigarettes and tissue paper?
Why are all of your shoes filled with rocks? When was the last time you didn't think about jumping into the lake when you had them on?
Tell me how they were your life jacket - how they promised you air at the bottom of the ocean. How you haven't seen them since they jumped - how you hope that somehow they're still breathing even though you aren't.
How you haven't since the day they last did.
Why wasn't I enough
Why couldn't I stop you
Why didn't you believe me when I said it would get better
Why didn't you believe me when I said I love you
Why wasn't me needed you enough
Why did you have to go
I still try
I still text "I love you, It could have gotten better, I still need you"
But it doesn't matter what I say
It won't bring you back
It won't put you back at that desk in homeroom
It won't put you back at your mother's dinner table
It won't put you back in my room every Friday
It won't bring you back to me
My heart hurts.
From the damage that you've dealt it.
From the damage I've dealt it.
From the hurt the world has caused me.
You tell me I'm no good.
Okay, I guess i'm no good,
I'll try harder.
You tell me I'm a slut and attention whore.
That I try too hard.
Well then I won't try at all.
I'll hide myself.
Have I pleased you yet?
What could I have done wrong?
Now you say I'm shy and lazy.
You tell me,
Why would somebody want you?
I don't know, I just wish somebody would want me.
I watch from the outside;
A spiraling circle of insanity;
Clouding my mind, putting my hands down my pocket,
desperately fishing for whatever's left;
Yet the pocket is empty.
A gaping hole in my chest;
much like a bullet wound that i'd just acquired,
when someone said they didn't know me anymore.
Yet they're right;
I'd become a riddle; impossible to solve,
the puzzle piece that never seemed to fit;
The imperfections in the world.
I'd become everything I didn't want to be;
my superficial expectations overclouding my weary eyes;
I didn't notice I was slipping further and further down the rabbit-hole
Every step my legs becoming harder like dried concrete;
Growing up has made me realize one thing. There's no such thing as "the one". Forget "saving yourself for him".
For all we know, God probably doesn't even have one "saved for you".
For all we know, you're going to die tomorrow and spend more time pushing up daisies than receiving them in bouquets.
Or pushing up the very daisies that gets put into bouqets only to be exchanged between other people.
The only rose petals you get are the ones that get sprinkled over your coffin rather than the ones thrown over you as confetti.
Might as well live while you're alive.
Music playing, blood flowing
There is only one way of knowing
Through the dark, lost and alone
How low long will it be 'til I get home
Falling in fire, burning in hell
I had so many stories to tell
So many lies, so many fears
I guessed long ago that the ending was near
Finally gone, not on shed a tear
Nobody saw though I made it clear
Death is upon her, Life is no more;
Take a look at the dents in her door.
Body in ruins, Blood down her wrists
Who ever thought it would end like this,
Pain hugs her, sorrow filled
That's the reason she was killed
Tears in her eyes, sang her last note
She thought it was best to slit her own throat