Something inside of me longs
to be noticed and loved and known.
It tries to claw it's way out of my soul
to push past my ribcage and out of my chest
It beats and beats and beats without rest
while I try to hide it with all my strength
I pull it close and hug it tight
then I layer it with clothes in the daytime
only to release when we're alone at midnight
then I look into it's eyes and apologise
for being the only person in the world
who could ever appreciate it's glow

My brain has chemical imbalance
held inside a ceramic palace
The fabrication of lies
and blankness behind the eyes,
with bloodstains on my body,
assault is my hobby.
Not on others you see,
just on 'lil ol' me.
And hunger isn’t a concern,
I want my body to burn.
My own pulse drives me insane,
I’d rather devoured by pain.
You’d think I’d wish the reverse,
but I love it, and that’s my curse.

Whoops I'm emo

One fact about me is this: I'm not very good at "breaking the ice"
You can hold as many "icebreakers" as you want but know that nothing can break the ice I'm frozen in.
You can try all the ice-picks, sledgehammers, crowbars, or even dropping me from all the skyscrapers in the world but you can never see as much as even a crack surface on my cold, hard self.
And when you have given up, know that you made this happen.
You threw me into the depths of hell so hot that I had to form a thick layer of ice around me to protect myself from it over the years.
In fact, it's been frozen so long it's no longer ice but a kind of blood diamond.
But fear not for this blood diamond can be permeated by a special kind of powder in order to reach the heart that lies within.
And that powder is none other than...
...the one I penned this for

for my new boyfriend
Pale Witch Apr 22

I am a lipstick stained cigarette
I am the bullet played in Russian Roulette

Alex Hill Apr 22

I want everything to love me;
People, and animals, too
And when something doesn't love me,
I don't just feel blue.

Alex Hill Apr 20

I smiled;
Tears streaming down my cheeks,
As I tried to mask any hint of sadness within me,
Watching my old classmates play within the walls of the school that i used to walk
through and hide in the bathroom crying;
They look up at me from the balcony and briefly wave but I just close the curtains and try to forget.
laughing at petty things; finding comfort in small favors such
as a kind smile from the cashier as i handed her what was left
of my rusted change, A kind nod from the stranger beside me in the line, Someone on the internet who said I was worth something. The approvement means nothing; how could I possibly know you're sincere.
I could never believe anyone's words.
I only believe my own.

Alex Hill Apr 20

I opened the door to the freezer and just stood there
staring in at all of the food until it began to thaw
and with the cold air billowing out into a warm room
I thought about calling out into an empty house
to ask if you wanted to do something easy for dinner

Emma Chatonoir Apr 18

4.08 23:00

It's been four months since I last saw you
You disappeared without a trace
Never returning my text messages
I accepted that I would probably never see you again
And what a shame that was,
Because we used to hang out and talk a lot
I didn't let the fact you were older than me
Bother me that much
Because you had the same beliefs as me
And I figured you would never ever ever
Do anything to hurt me
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talked about living the gospel life

4.09 13:45

I see you in church again
So I take the seat next to you
I'm so excited to see you again
And tell you all about what happened
I come home feeling taller
Than the five feet two inches I am
Because I feel like I have
One of my closest friends back
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.11 22:30

You ask me to hang out with you
This coming Saturday
You're intentionally vague
Just tell me we'll do something
Just like old times
I become very excited
Because I love spending time with you
You know exactly how to make me
Feel comfortable around you
And I've never had to worry about a thing
Because
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.14 21:00
I have a nightmare you tried to kill me
And get this uneasy feeling
That if I go out with you
Something might happen
I talk about it with some other friend
They insist I shouldn't be scared
After all
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life?

4.15 20:30
You pick me up outside my apartment
And I get in your car like every other time
You warn me that you have relapsed into your vices
I don't believe it's as bad as it is
Then the smell of marijuana hits me
I try to rationalize with myself
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.15 21:00
This can't be happening
You keep telling me all about
How every time I have seen you
You were high as a kite
I haven't spoken much
I'm trying to be understanding
After all, I claim to be unconditionally nice
So I can't judge you
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.15 21:45
You're on a smoke break
When I text my friends what is happening
Or at least a vague summary
Is this situation really as bad
As I think it is?
After all, I do trust you
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.15 22:30
You're getting more and more agitated
As I turn silent
I'm starting to get scared
Over the thought of spending time with you
My mom was right
No matter what the reason
Or no matter how kind he is
Don't spend time with someone ten years older
And in this case, that applies to you
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.15 23:00
You're now higher than before
And I get the feeling
That if I stay with you
I will die
You start trying to get me
To go get high with you
The smell is so powerful
It wouldn't surprise me if I was already
At least a little high
I feel sick to my stomach
And wonder why or how I got here
Then I remember
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.15 23:15
We're screaming now
Because you can't believe
I don't feel safe around you
I finally get the courage
To make my escape
Storming off to the bathroom
And asking a waitress to wait with me
While I call for help
She asks me what kind of person you are
At least normally
You're the same person
Who sits with me in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.15 23:30
Help is on the way
I called the guy I like
Who I had been texting all night
And probably scared to death
With my attitude towards the situation
His parents are coming with him too
Worst first impression ever
But I am looking forward to getting out of the bathroom
Because pacing back and forth in a stall
Talking to a waitress who thinks I'm a teenager
Makes me think about what got me here
How I thought
You're the same person
Who sits with me in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.16 00:00
I'm escorted out of the restaurant
By at least six people
And introduce myself to the parents
Of the person I called
Hi, I'm not high, and I'm really sorry about this
I keep apologizing as they drive me home
They insist everything's okay, they are glad I knew
To call for help
And that I didn't get in the car
With someone high
I explain to them
You're the same person
Who sits with me in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.16 00:30
Home at last
I feel bad about everything that went down
Guilt is eating me alive
As I try to process everything that happened
I started the night thinking
I was the most mature person
But felt so small hiding in the bathroom
And wishing I walked away sooner
Why did I think
You're the same person
Who sits with me in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life?

4.16 15:30
Good morning to me
In the middle of the afternoon
The person who rescued me last night
Wants to make sure I am okay
And apologizes for what happened
I tell him he deserves the apology
After all, I made him come get me
Even though he technically volunteered
I still should have known better
He tells me there's no way
I could have known otherwise
You're the same person
Who sits with me in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.16 17:45
You call me
I call you an asshole
I slam down the phone
Third time I've ever said a swear word
In my entire life
It pains me to imagine
You're the same person
Who sits with me in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.18 01:55
I can't sleep at all
Anxiety eating me alive
So many questions spinning through my mind
What if I got high?
What if I died?
Can I ever stop blaming myself?
Will the guy who helped me ever talk to me again?
Could the guy who helped me like me?
Should I get over my crush?
What can I do after this?
And most importantly
Why did I believe you
When you told me in the car
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life?

Not my proudest moment
teaxstains Apr 1

Shot through the heart with a 44 Magnum revolver

And you’re behind it, pulling the trigger

At the same time while being by my side, cradling my body

My hand-grenade heart had gone off long ago

Sending glitter everywhere

Including your face

Which I’ll never get to see again

Cait L Mar 19
Sky

The sky is blue today
But sometimes it’s pink
Sometimes it’s green
Sometimes it’s a colour that I’ve never seen
The sky is calming
It draws you in
Till your eyes roll over
Like the clouds in the wind
The sky is feeling
When you think you’ve stopped breathing
It gives life
Hope

Every so often,
The sky turns dark
And it starts to cry
You feel sad again
Your head filled with ‘why’s’
Your mind feels like a raging storm
Lightning striking you on and on
The sky is now bitter and cruel
It’s everywhere
It’s all over you
Consuming you

Don’t fret though,
Because the sky changes
It will brighten your life
And colour your days
And it can make you feel miserable
In millions of ways
The sky is intimidating
And yet so gentle

Sometimes,
Even the sky is fine
But I’m not
I feel like I’m stuck
In my own thunderstorm
Like the rainclouds stick to me
Wherever I go
Those times where I just
Don’t know
When I just wish I could give up
And for everything to be done

My head swarming with dark thoughts;
Pointing at my head with a gun
I think, this is it
The end has begun;
But then I look at the sky

And it is so beautiful.

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