Never really been sober minded
Seeking life- might never find it
Lying on a plateau
Pretend it’s a mountain I climbed.
Did it all start with divorce?
Did it start with my mah?
Or when the kid molested me in the back seat of a car?
For any light in my life I caught fireflies
But someone opened and let them all out of the jar.
I can’t lie and I can’t hide
I got called out on the pathetic way I lived my life.
womanizing just pain hiding
If any of you read this- I’m sorry I’m trying.
You don’t have to forgive
I don’t expect any of it at all.
Just know that now when I look at my wife and my baby I hold nothing but hate for the person I was and just know I hate myself in my heart.
I always claimed to be Christian
I always claimed to love God.
I know I Spit in His face with my actions I don’t know how He forgive me at all.
Nearly stopped my heart a couple times
Till friends I couldn’t love stopped by
I didn’t appreciate their hearts, didn’t appreciate they love me
So I lashed out and attacked them all
And I pushed and I pushed till they shoved me.
Honestly I’m really scared
To brutally, honestly tell you the truth
I’m terrified I’ll hurt my bride and my children like I did all if you.
Wether it’s getting high off Percocet
Or **** and lying on the Internet,
Wether it’s puking in toilets from too much to drink
Or getting so I can’t see and/or speak
I’ve seen her crying real tears
So I’ve had to start to face my fears.
My mommy problems and abandonment Issues
Are no reason to treat her like this.
Hi, my name is Blair and I am an addict
Just so you all now, I’m no longer at it.
I can understand why you hate me so much
And I know why you say nothing but negative things, I know why you just can’t get passed it.
I know why still years after
You’re writing emails to my pastor
And saying all of these horrible things not believing I can change and that’s facts.
I try every day to not hate myself
Because I know that’s not how God sees me.
I know I am nothing but a pervert and drunk
Till cried for my savior to save me.
I know you don’t believe it.
I know you hate me it’s no secret.
And I admit to being the monster you think I am years ago
I promise I’m no longer in that pit.
I admit that I punished myself
I admit that I was living like hell.
I admit I was selfish and deserved to be kicked out of Homestead for not thinking of anyone else.
Those were the best friends i ever knew
They were honest, and open and loving and true.
And I’m mad at myself for pushing away
To the point they don’t even know my child’s name.
Some of you got your payback
To the point we’re still being harassed
People are making fake Grindr accounts
Assuming it’s me without me being asked.
I’ve made mistakes and that’s and understatement
I can’t take it back- I’ll never change it.
Please accept my sincerest apologies
And let’s just go back to being decent.
To the women I’ve burned
To my brothers,
To everyone who thinks that I’ll never change
I’m sorry and I’m trying.
This holds a lot of inside information that only certain people who may never read this will understand.
I lived my life horribly and selfishly. I went after personal gain and personal revenge for being hurt.
I have always been afraid of rejection and fear that my wife- like my many others will emotionally, or physically abandon me.
I have been on a journey of discovering my issues and trying to overcome them for the best part of 4 years.
To some people that’s not a long time.
I have been told that I am not able to serve in the church because of how I acted going back to when I was a preteen.
I have been accused of things I didn’t do because I hVe a history of doing things like it in the past.
I am still a recovering pill addict and make strong attempts to stay for away from alcohol.
I understand that God’s forgiveness and my wife’s acceptance as well as the birth of my child does not equal owning and dealing with issues I caused, or issues that I have.
No matter if I’m forgiven or not, no matter if there is truly a God or not, I am deeply sorry for the people who have been angered by me, scared because of me or cried because of me.
At one point in my life, I did not care about any of those people- although I was convinced I did.
I was not a Christian I just thought I was.
I was not much of a man at all. I just thought I was.