The discovery sinks in as we spring into action
Adrenaline kicks in, heart pounding, blood rushing.
My mind confusedly putting pieces together.
First Few Hours
Calls are made to paramedics and cops and investigators swarm our house.
Our car goes faster than what is safe as we follow the ambulance as it carried what we would later learn was only her body and a few dedicated paramedics.
A time of death is announced and more tearful calls are made, this time to family.
We leave hours later surrounded by a mournful silence.
We sat on the on the couch in a shocked silence, which was only broken by my calls to her friends, the ringing of the house phone and doorbell.
The silence was deafening and I had to escape.
So I returned to school after making arrangements with my family for the cremation and shedding my own tears for the first time. I caught the last two classes of the day and began burying myself in my classwork after telling those who needed to know.
Our own questions were behind every turn as we handled finances and possessions and settling things and celebrating her short life.
I began to tell more and more of my friends.
The pain was still fresh and stinging,
My mother returned to work for the first time.
I held back my tears in English.
The play we read reminding me of her and running lines with her the previous year.
I let it get to me while locked in my room, wishing it was my boyfriend's arms around me instead of my paint stained jacket as I painted the canvas as black as i was feeling.
Recording my tears for him and watching hidden watery eyes the next day in class as I honored our promise.
After an uneventful spring break, my dad began staying home from work.
School ended and summer began and for the first time in what was now fourteen years, I didn't have a sister. I was alone.
Slowly but surely the pain faded, with the help of scattered therapists, counselors and mountains of support from family and friends.
The weight of her absence doesn’t rest on my shoulders as heavy anymore.
Ink stains me with her memory, the pain I felt and saw personified over many pages as we still face it.
My father has returned to work as we each learn to deal with the missing piece of our family in our own ways.
did you ever wonder
as you looked into the night sky
as you dreamed of stars and sunnier days
that things would turn out this way?
and it pains me to see
what things have become
without you around
to hold my hand
oh faye, if only you knew
though years may pass
and days go on
you live within me
you're always on my mind
and these tears still flow
and it is through this that i've learned
everything is temporary
and things don't last forever
but my heartache will
and it does
They're super annoying,
But you love them still.
No matter how much you hate them,
You'll always do anything for them.
THEY YELL! At the top of their lungs.
You can never have parties with them around.
Never hang out with your friends alone.
But still if you look at those days you'll realize
how much more fun everything was
when they were around.
Sometimes I feel better with them around
even when I am mad at them.
And I would hate it if
I never had enough loudness to fill the quiet house.
Their called sisters.
When I feel down they always lift me up.
So I am thankful for my sisters.
Even thought I don' show it.
To the boy who feels he has to fill big shoes
With the regret of seeing another girl hurt but knowing he has daddy's approval too
To the girl in black & blue
taking pleasure in filling her mothers shoes
but regretting her boyfriend taking her fathers too
To the woman in black & blue
masked in makeup & the finest of shoes
Covering up regrets for the pleasure of knowing her children will wake up to a hope to pursue
To the man with hands of black & blue
slick hair & the finest suit
With the regret of seeing another mother hurt but the pleasure of knowing his father proud too
Life's moments that catch our breathe
To the pleasures we indulge in
& the regrets taken to the coffin
Here's to all of life's twisted pleasures and regrets
As She waits at the bus stop, a young man approaches her
“Do you have the time ma’am? ”
She ignores him and looks straight ahead, because if She speaks She won’t be able to hold it in
He steps directly in front of her, and before She can stop herself, She has her eyes trained on his
Everything about them is familiar
She can even see the small streaks of blue in the hazel that had made her feel safe with him so many years ago
And as He looks at her now, with deep concern in his eyes, She can pretend that He is the same as before
Like how his nose would crinkle when She cried because He hated it when She wasn't happy
And in the 8 seconds that have just passed She can see the realization of who She is flicker across his dilated pupils
She needs to ask ‘why? ’
She wants to be angry
But all She does is take out her phone and say “Half past twelve”
And He can’t even look at her as he mumbles “Thank you” and asks for a dollar
And when He asks for that dollar, something inside of her shatters, and then ignites a flame
Of all the things to say
Of all the things to ask
Of all the things to apologize for…
But She can’t waste this moment being angry with him
So She pulls out a twenty with a shaking hand
But as She goes to place it in his, his fingers intertwine with hers and She looks up just in time to be trapped in his gaze
Trapped in his gaze that whispers soft ‘I love you’’s and sincere apologies
And it is in this moment that He says “Thank you” and She knows that it isn’t just for the money
Suddenly She is wrapped in memories of them, and how they were before He sold his soul to the streets
They stand like this, just staring at one another for a moment, and then the bus pulls up and He releases her
He plants a butterfly kiss on her forehead and leaves, for what feels like the thousandth time
And for what feels like the thousandth time, She wants to tell him how much She misses him
She wants to tell him how much the little girl in her longs for his comforting touch
She wants to tell him how much his absence has changed their mother
She wants to tell him that no matter how high He gets, He still won’t make it to heaven
But She just gets on the bus, and lets the pain run down her cheeks, into her lap, and back into her skin
And She waits for the day when She is waiting at the bus stop when a young man approaches her
“Do you have the time ma’am? ”
always near & dear
what special to give you
on your special day?
You live your life
with minimalist vision.
Materials were never
in your cart,
rather love & care
was worthy enough
for your part.
A special being you are
Supporting all of us
How to ever return back
The love and care
Which you keep on
A possession your have
a shimmering jewel of heart,
only to be cherished
as a form of art.
You live in a world
That is your own
Filled with love and support
Your never alone
Like the Enchanted Rose
In cased in glass
With every petal that falls
A layer of you is lost
The person you were
has payed a huge cost
This journey is something
we have to endeavor
It's a road that you and I shall travel together
We're learning skills to cope
Living day by day
We have my sisters help
Making hard days seem ok
If you have that special someone
in your life
Be it your partner, lover, husband
If you really do love them tell them so
Don't let a day go by without letting them know
Never take for granted the one you love
If your both healthy and happy
Thank the lord above
My sister knows her better than I do
My sister knows her favorite color
The songs she sings when she's bored
What classes she's taking next year
I know her in other ways
I know what it feels like to have her pressed against me
The sounds she makes when she's sleepy
What her forehead feels pressed against mine
I don't know what her lips taste like
More out of lack of bravery than lack of opportunity