i’m so sorry for the way i treat you.
i know i can be mean, and i’m so sorry. i’m not going to say it’s out of love because it isn’t. it’s from anger. we fight constantly and i’m sorry for being the cause of it. i’m sorry for saying i hate you, and i’m sorry for teaching you it’s okay to say that to someone you love. it’s not. i really do love you. i don’t know how to express that, but i think you’re destined to do so many great things. you’re born to be a mother, a teacher, a writer, a wife, and a friend. you care about what i say and while i don’t like that you do, i understand why. i care what you say too. i know it might seem like they just bounce right off me like a feather against a brick wall, but they mean something. i’m so sorry for showing you my bad side, always. whenever we aren’t fighting, i get really sad when i talk to you. i get sad because you seem so full of life, energy, hope. when i was your age, i didn’t feel any of those things. i felt darkness consume me, and i still feel it. you don’t. i really don’t want to be the cause of that happening to you. you’re too good for it. i can’t do that to you, and i’m so sorry.
i apologize for how i speak about you. i always say how awful you act towards me and others, but i never stop to speak about my reactions, which are even worse. i understand why you instigate. but you can’t be abusive. you do judge me. it might be a reflection of what i do to you. please don’t view me as a role model. i’m not a good one. i don’t know how to express how i feel properly and i lash out because of it. i lash out on you. i’m sorry. you don’t deserve that. but please don’t imitate me. that’s all i ask; just please don’t look up to me. i love you, i really do. but please don’t assume i get angry because i love you. it’s because of my own personal issues and crosses to bear. i haven’t been as good as i should be, for a long time. i want to change that. you deserve an older sister who shows kindness towards you, not one who puts you down. i’m sorry. i hope you can forgive me, but i understand if you can’t.
i don’t forgive myself either.
i hope i’ll have the guts to tell you this in person one day.