A fiery pit is blossoming inside of my chest. Where my heart used to reside no longer resides a place capable of any love. Hate slithers in like the first rays of sunlight on a Sunday morning consuming me before I even open my eyes.
and I’m finding out that the only way to silence the voices in my head is to scream my own voice raw and drown them out. bubbling up like a volcano on the cusp of erupting is every penny I’ve ever collected. holding the memories of what could never be again.
I’m not sure what I hate more. How you made me feel or myself?
I hear whispers in my ear. They're tempting me, they're always here. They're haunting me. They're stalking me. The shadows move once they speak. I don't know what they want from me. They're taunting me.
Moon beams shatter the sky. Bring me the light. Keep me alive. I'm not alright. They have arrived. Get me through the night.
We've all imagined Wedding dresses and vails growing up losing our pig-tails and overalls trading them in for beach waves and crop tops only for the person in our Reflection to turn into a complete s t r a n g e r
staring blank faced at a girl you can't recognize anymore drawing imaginary lines on our bodies with our eyes cutting away the imperfections with our hands shaped as scissors,
wishing we could look like the models in the magazines or the actresses on the tv screens But, society tells us we can Never be Skinny enough Never be Pretty enough That our features will NEVER be Good e n o u g h
Because the girl in the mirror who has lost all hope can Never amount to what we have been taught from the time we could walk and talk what beautiful is;
We went from carefree children to teens who are depressed and anxious all the time most of us addicted to Nicotine and Alcohol our parents tell us to smile and quit with the attitudes but behind closed doors we criticize ourselves enough
The little girl in her pigtails playing with everyone on the playground so innocent so pure get labeled as a racist in the 6th grade because her skin is white
By the time she enters high school she knows better than to state an opinion, the teachers know Best, never stand up to a man, he's superior to you, even when behind the closed doors he touches you when you say STOP but you know better than to say something cause you had to have wanted it, take it as a compliment, it just means you're pretty
if you say anything you'll be labeled as a W h o r e if you keep quiet it's an invitation for M o r e
people asking "why do you flinch at a simple touch?" how do you explain years of torment to a complete s t r a n g e r, you don't, you smile and act dumb
pretty is a vocabulary word to describe anyone but the girl that is seen in the mirror because she is Not Good e n o u g h and she knows that
she has lost friends cause she can't trust them
she changes her style monthly
trying sooo hard just to be accepted she doesn't remember the little girl in pigtails, she doesn't remember what a real smile looks like, the pain behind her eyes c l o u d s her reality the voice in her head telling her "you're eating too much" "you're an idiot" "you'll never amount to anything" and she s l o w l y fades away til there is nothing left to put back together cause her mind and heart are s c a t t e r e d aimlessly shes numb and she thinks, this is what happiness feels like no more pain no more criticizing No, more pretending to be okay
people ask me how i’m doing and i say ‘okay’ nobody questions it; cuz that’s what they all say only time my words are questioned is when i speak my mind don’t wanna hear reality, so put me back in line i wish the whole wide world could know just how i feel this life of fear and lies simply has no appeal the voices in my head speak more truth than you i’m getting tired of always confusing the two my mind is a haunted house; there’s more to me than meets the eye body full of so many secrets despite my size
if given the choice, maybe i wouldn’t choose this one to possess occupying a vessel this anxious just leads to more stress ‘friend in high places’ but the place is your head [in the clouds] smoking and drinking to quiet us; but trust me you can’t drown us out there’s more work to be done and words to be said most talk internally but that don’t mean we’re not friends
something to be said about an openminded guy with so much personality they started to compile a collective consciousness sprouting within took years too long to finally let us in but here we are, now you know and you listen at names mentioned, your heart now quickens beats as one, as we are together a single unit of several, here for each other confusing to all but one another you find yourselves in us
It starts with an anonymous thought The voice in my head that screams lies It sounds like me, but in a higher register Repeating phrases that will not stop Competing with the high pitch ringing
I open my mouth to exhale and allow it to escape And close it quickly, preventing reentry I stand at a distance and observe the voice As it is reborn into another monster, Each time a manifestation of the last
To slay the monster only allows a metamorphosis The thing grows larger and more powerful with more words Words like vinegar and baking soda I know when it will quiet down But I’m not ready to die yet