I hate myself
It's not a surprise
Most teens are
Filled with anxiety
Ready to jump.
I remember being 8
I've always thought that one day I would just get smaller
But I got bigger
And my circle of bullies got bigger
And my friends smaller
My sobs louder
And my laughs nonexistent
Here comes middle school
And the kids are even crueler
I wished and prayed that this fat would just go away
And I could have friends again
I lost more
And I gained some again
I got bullied for everything
And I hung my head in shame
I didn't speak
I wished that they couldn't see me
That I was invisible
Out of sight
Third but not last
My not so old friend
I sliced my skin more than once
Cried a lot
Discovered pieces of myself
And lost some pieces too
But hated most
Wished that it would be better
But it was all a lie
I didn't go to prom
I barely graduated
I was glad when I left
That I would never have to come back
I learned what my mental illnesses are
And the voices in my head aren't real
But I can't stop them from saying these terrible things
I'm stuck in my own mind
How does that even happen?
Well it did
And now I can't tell the difference between me and trash
Because we're so alike
Nobody wants us but ourselves.
Not like we'd let anyone in anyways
We're too broken to love someone else
Too ashamed to tell our secrets and how much we've failed
Too scared of letting go
Of the things that make me us safe.
We're fried in the head
Too much to manage.
But they don't know how crazy in the head we really are.
From the icy talons,
Of deathless sleep,
Or sleepless death.
Heartbeat pulsing in my ears,
Rattling in my chest.
Leaving me helpless,
Struggling to catch up,
And now I lay awake,
Trapped in fear,
Knowing I am unable take,
My final breath.
My pen feels weak and underused of late
so much unfolding on this side of the gate--
illness prevails, my body wracked with pain
Seems anymore I seldom ever seem to gain
a step forward without taking two steps back--
wondering what it is that my psyche lacks
other than the stamina to withstand illness and strife
Surely, surely this is not the rest of my life?
©Pamela Rae 07.19.2017
I wish I could get my hands on you cancer,
Punch you once for all the pain you cause
Once, for the people you've ripped apart
Once, for the broken hearts left in your wake
Once, for the teardrops all cried in your name
Once, for all the things you take,
Like hope... happiness... sanity
Once, for the way you enjoy weaving yourself around peoples bodies
Making yourself at home... even though you were only meant to be a temporary guest
Who should have left once the chemotherapy started to work... or the radiotherapy kicked in
But it didn't did it?
And so I will hurt you until you are a painful mess...
And then cancer, I will strangle you....
Just like you do to others
you do not know what it's like to live with an illness
depression is not just a little extra sadness
you do not know what it's like to live with anxiety
it is not just a constant worry concerning reality
you do not know what it's like to live with paranoia it is not just a nagging thought of something that's not there
you WILL NOT know what it's like, to deal with an illness until the illness finally finds its way around your sanity
Silence surrounds me
As I lay here beneath the earth
Surrounded by soil
Black fertile soil
Feeling as if I've been
Buried in the darkness
Buried by lifes burdens
Can I reach the surface
Though to the sunshine
and fresh air
Fresh air that shall fill my lungs
Fill my lungs
and bring me back life
To a life that once was
Life filled with color
Instead I lay here stagnant
Trapped beneath the earth
It was a beautiful afternoon
I was capturing the moment.
Those perfect photographic memories,
The couples on their auspicious occasion.
The laughters, the dancers,
To celebrate their love
I captured them all.
Who knew, that same day
As midnight struck I was taken ill.
Two days later I was carried to the hospital,
Found myself in drips and pills.
My body overshadowed by weakness
my blood pressure kept on rising.
I saw myself!
I saw my body on the hospital bed
I was close to the ceiling, I was floating
I could see my mother silently praying.
Someone was beside me, I couldn't recognise.
He took me to the next room,
I saw twins, waiting to be examined.
Then suddenly the man said
"It's Time to return"
I woke up, with my eyes half opened.
I was sure it was all just a dream.
The following day, some visitors came.
To my surprised, they said
"We saw twins in the adjacent room".
That's when I realised
I saw myself
I saw a lifeless body.
Although it didn't seem logical,
I encountered a miracle.