It starts with a motive -- you want to be strong
To be healthy and active, in shape -- can't be wrong
So you watch what you eat and you exercise more
Thinking not of the pain the next months have in store
Soon obsession sets in as reality fades
Suddenly food equates with the progress you made
And as days turn to weeks you can see the pounds drop
Jeans hang loose at your waist, but you simply can't stop
The belief that's been slowly embedded inside,
And the days you eat less lead to more and more pride
And as counting calories become the new norm
You ignore warning signs and you weather the storm
And you go to the doctor, they tell you you're thin
If you lose much more weight you'll have battles to win
"Just eat more, have more snacks" - but you try and you fail
Every morsel sparks fear, and your body grows frail
Now you look in the mirror and see a pale ghost
Of the ideals and the values you once had to boast
Bony ribs, sunken face, sallow skin that's so cold
You think, this is a fate I could not have foretold
In the weeks that will follow you get diagnosed
And your mom tells you, sobbing, what hurts you the most:
She says, if you don't eat you'll be hospitalized
And you can't bear her tears and you're breaking inside
So you eat, though at each bite your inner voice screams:
You are out of shape, lazy, alone, can't you see
You will never get better, you'll never be whole
You will never be normal, achieve this one goal
And your parents are worried -- you see and you cry
At the hurt and the fear that is haunting their eyes
"Please just try to eat more" -- but they don't comprehend
That your twisted beliefs won't so easily mend
And each doctor's appointment brings more and more stress
As you sit through the questions and queries and tests
"Hardly gained any weight, please come back in a week"
And you hear disappointment and doubt as they speak
But as weeks turn to months you start slowly to heal
Therapy and your parents both teach you to feel
That beneath all the pain you have strength to pull through
And your grey world turns colored and brightens anew
You spend time with your work and your family and friends
You gain back all the weight and you work out again,
And although every meal is a struggle, a fight
You try hard to get better, to take back your life
Fifteen months from that time you no longer maintain
That you'll never be okay, you'll never be sane
You are happy and healthy again and you're sure
You no longer believe that to eat's a reward
Now you smile at dessert, have a meal with your friends
Don't look back to the demons that made you think then
That your self-worth was tied to the things that you ate
And that each gram of sugar should lead to self-hate
Now six years from this day, you thank your lucky stars
But although you've recovered you still bear the scars
You have dealt with depression, anxiety; it's true
That you fear that these illnesses now define you
But reliving these memories that hurt like a knife
You have realized this illness took over your life
And you beat it, just as you can beat all your fears
You need not spend your future in terror and tears
You're resilient, rugged, have struggled and won
You have lived through this pain and although it's not done
You are stronger and braver than you would believe
And you know that this knowledge will never fully leave
This poem chronicles my descent into and recovery from an eating disorder I developed six years ago.