Silly girl, did you not know fear is of the mind?

You can be freed.

If you simply chose to be.

I was raised by a mentally ill father.
Because there is comfort in numbers,
I, too, was afflicted by a similar disorder.
It’s difficult to separate the person from the sickness,
Sometimes impossible.
Sometimes we become the shadowy monster,
Embrace it with wilted roses,
Knowing too well that of everything else,
The disorder will still be there,
Waiting.
My shadow has been dormant.
My father’s is still active,
Seeking.
Sometimes when we meet it’s like a perfect storm,
A tornado of comfort.
Someone understands the climate.
I take my father’s hand encouragingly,
He turns to run, squirrely,
The shadow greets me with open arms.
I love the shadow as much as I love the man.
After all, there is comfort in numbers.

I hate myself
It's not a surprise
Most teens are
Insecure
Depressed
Filled with anxiety
Ready to jump.

I remember being 8
I've always thought that one day I would just get smaller
But I got bigger
And my circle of bullies got bigger
And my friends smaller
My sobs louder
And my laughs nonexistent

Here comes middle school
And the kids are even crueler
I wished and prayed that this fat would just go away
And I could have friends again
I lost more
And I gained some again
I got bullied for everything
And I hung my head in shame
I didn't speak
I wished that they couldn't see me
That I was invisible
Out of sight
Free

Third but not last
High school
My not so old friend
I sliced my skin more than once
Cried a lot
Discovered pieces of myself
And lost some pieces too
Loved some
But hated most
Wished that it would be better
But it was all a lie
I didn't go to prom
I barely graduated
I was glad when I left
That I would never have to come back

I learned what my mental illnesses are
And the voices in my head aren't real
But I can't stop them from saying these terrible things
I'm stuck in my own mind
How does that even happen?
Well it did
And now I can't tell the difference between me and trash
Because we're so alike
Nobody wants us but ourselves.

Not like we'd let anyone in anyways
We're too broken to love someone else
Too ashamed to tell our secrets and how much we've failed
Too scared of letting go
Of the things that make me us safe.
We're fried in the head
Loopy
Too much to manage.
Crazy
But they don't know how crazy in the head we really are.

Snatched back

From the icy talons,

Of deathless sleep,

Or sleepless death.





Heartbeat pulsing in my ears,

Rattling in my chest.





Leaving me helpless,

Heatless,

Struggling to catch up,

Unawares.





And now I lay awake,

Trapped in fear,

Knowing I am unable take,

My final breath.





http://tansyroake.weebly.com/

I lie,
Languid,
Festering fresh,
Sticky and sodden,
My chosen entrapment,
My shrouds,
Alive,
With me,
As I swell and shrivel,
As I leak and absorb,
I become more of it,
It becomes more of me.
As I expire,
It gains life.

http://tansyroake.weebly.com/

Like an ash from a flame
fallen to the ground…
I am cold, gray and dead.
Like an ember
once amid the flames burning bright
I am thrown down
and trampled underfoot.
George Grogan