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Sky 11h
I’m in love with being sick.
I’m in love with being cold.
I’m in love with feeling lonely.
I’m in love with feeling old.
I’m in love with silver blades
I’m in love with shards of glass
I’m in love with puking my brains out
And I’m in love with running fast.  

I’m in love, alone.  Loving sickness feels like home.
I’m in love, and lost.  I’m stuck and frozen, neck-deep in the frost.
I’m in love, with despair.  There’s nothing but sadness and death living there. ~  

I’m in love with feeling empty.
I’m in love with ripping into my skin.
I’m in love with feeling hollow.
I’m in love with my secret sins.
I’m in in love with constant crying
I’m in love with constant lying
I’m in love with screaming ‘til I faint
I’m in love with almost dying. ~

And then my love will cease.
And I will be at ease.
Sky 11h
Call me a *******, because I enjoy the punishment and pain of starving.
Call me a ******, because I love enforcing the pain and punishment of starving.

When I look in the mirror, I see a demon.  A hideous monster.  Sometimes I see me, sometimes I see nobody.

I see a weeping girl with salty tears dripping from her cheeks to her lips.  Her bruised bones sticking out in places where they shouldn’t.

I see a dead girl with decaying flesh and eyes sewn shut, the rotten, suffocating smell penetrating the air.

I see an evil girl, black, gaping holes for eyes, and a smile that spreads to her ears, sharp, pointy teeth sticking out, and blood seeping from her mouth.  She puts a hushed finger to her lips.

I see a fat girl.  Her stomach spilling over her gut, irritated, chafing thighs, wobbly blankets of arm fat, like oozing tubs of cookie dough. She frowns, showing her double chin.

Then I see me.  Purple bags under my eyes, sore and swollen lips, *****, brittle hair, hanging limp in my face.  Bones dramatically sticking out, but not quite enough.

I grab my neck in a chokehold to stop what I’m seeing.  I can’t see me.  Not now, not ever. I can’t just yet.   I don’t even know if I see me, or if I don’t, because i don’t know how to look, or what to look like. ~

What if the monster in the mirror is actually me, trapped in the mirror, and the demon is possessing me now?

Better start acting like it, then.  I can do whatever the **** I want, and no one can do a ******* thing about it.

I’m not going to stop until I get to 0.
0 fat
0 pounds
0 more goals
0 girl
0 life.
~

The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me?

Why whisper, when you could just scream? ~
the scars of red
below my heartbeat
now stir in the warm decay of the air  
the wild eyed towers  
have fallen like waterfalls
into the roots they smouldered and burned  
they now tumble into waves of blinding light  
and i lie in melancholy fields

like cold yellow bathroom floors
and cold yellow flickering lights
i have found comfort in the frigid winds of November
and the ominous light of the crescent moon
for they steal the unwanted sounds
that break the day
and the mania of my soul’s dismay
This poem is about when unique spirits die, and is also about my love for the dark
Kat 1d
My parents know I’m anxious
But they don't know
The truth
They don't know
How much this illness has taken over my mind
How mental and physical anguish combine
To hinder my body and hijack my brain

They don't know
That every day I sit at work
My body shakes with panic
Seized with fear, stomach clenching
My thoughts race like lottery wheels
Like cars in a race with no finish line
There is no end to this madness

They don't know
That every day I sit in class
Every symptom sparks fear
That flares up in flames
Consuming my body
Turning my bones to ash
Charring my skin beyond recognition
It doesn't take much to ignite this fire
The coals are always hot
Stoked with the air
Of physical pain
Of neurotransmitters that don't function right
Brain chemistry gone wrong
Or maybe I'm just looking for a scapegoat
And the only thing I have to blame is myself

They don't know
That more days than not I cry
Body heaving with swelling sobs
Tears rolling down my cheeks like rivers
Stomach aching with the invisible wounds
Of a knife that twists and turns in my gut
Spilling my hope and my hurt and my hate
For all to see

I tell them I write poetry
But they don't ask what it's about
And I don't tell them
Cause I'm afraid to tell them how I feel
Afraid to see the sorrow on their faces
Afraid to hear the anger in their voices
Afraid that instead of comfort I'll hear concern
And I won't be able to explain this pain I feel
So I write my worry into words
That lie like a lioness locked behind bars
Where they can't hurt anyone
Except myself  

My parents know I'm anxious
But I don't think they know what anxiety is
Not really
Cause anxiety is more than simple worry
Anxiety is a monster
And I'm afraid it's going to swallow me whole
Leaving nothing behind
Except the wispy remains
Of the ghost of the girl
Who wished she could be free
Of this burden

My parents know I'm anxious
If only they knew
The truth
Kat 1d
You are always there
Feeding on my brain
Warping my thoughts
Like trees in a storm
Turning calm to chaos
Happiness to hurt
Whispering words
That embed themselves deep
Burrow into the bark
Of my defenses

You are always there
Bleeding into my body
Your terror and your hate
Your blood seeps into my brittle bones
Eating at my marrow like acid
Coursing through my veins like poison
That stings and burns and aches
You are there
Carving caves in my stomach
Twisting my guts into knots
Squeezing my heart
And slowly ripping it to shreds

You are always there
Leaving me a walking ghost
Of my former self
Identity purged
Replaced by doctrines of fear
Body weak
And growing ever weaker
And all my pills, they can’t destroy you
Cause when I think you are gone
You are still there
Hiding feeding bleeding
My life away
Kat 1d
It starts with a motive -- you want to be strong
To be healthy and active, in shape -- can't be wrong
So you watch what you eat and you exercise more
Thinking not of the pain the next months have in store

Soon obsession sets in as reality fades
Suddenly food equates with the progress you made
And as days turn to weeks you can see the pounds drop
Jeans hang loose at your waist, but you simply can't stop

The belief that's been slowly embedded inside,
And the days you eat less lead to more and more pride
And as counting calories become the new norm  
You ignore warning signs and you weather the storm

And you go to the doctor, they tell you you're thin
If you lose much more weight you'll have battles to win
"Just eat more, have more snacks" - but you try and you fail
Every morsel sparks fear, and your body grows frail

Now you look in the mirror and see a pale ghost
Of the ideals and the values you once had to boast
Bony ribs, sunken face, sallow skin that's so cold
You think, this is a fate I could not have foretold

In the weeks that will follow you get diagnosed
And your mom tells you, sobbing, what hurts you the most:
She says, if you don't eat you'll be hospitalized
And you can't bear her tears and you're breaking inside

So you eat, though at each bite your inner voice screams:
You are out of shape, lazy, alone, can't you see
You will never get better, you'll never be whole
You will never be normal, achieve this one goal

And your parents are worried -- you see and you cry
At the hurt and the fear that is haunting their eyes
"Please just try to eat more" -- but they don't comprehend
That your twisted beliefs won't so easily mend

And each doctor's appointment brings more and more stress
As you sit through the questions and queries and tests
"Hardly gained any weight, please come back in a week"
And you hear disappointment and doubt as they speak

But as weeks turn to months you start slowly to heal
Therapy and your parents both teach you to feel
That beneath all the pain you have strength to pull through
And your grey world turns colored and brightens anew

You spend time with your work and your family and friends
You gain back all the weight and you work out again,
And although every meal is a struggle, a fight
You try hard to get better, to take back your life

Fifteen months from that time you no longer maintain
That you'll never be okay, you'll never be sane
You are happy and healthy again and you're sure
You no longer believe that to eat's a reward

Now you smile at dessert, have a meal with your friends
Don't look back to the demons that made you think then
That your self-worth was tied to the things that you ate
And that each gram of sugar should lead to self-hate

Now six years from this day, you thank your lucky stars
But although you've recovered you still bear the scars
You have dealt with depression, anxiety; it's true
That you fear that these illnesses now define you

But reliving these memories that hurt like a knife
You have realized this illness took over your life
And you beat it, just as you can beat all your fears
You need not spend your future in terror and tears

You're resilient, rugged, have struggled and won
You have lived through this pain and although it's not done
You are stronger and braver than you would believe
And you know that this knowledge will never fully leave
This poem chronicles my descent into and recovery from an eating disorder I developed six years ago.
Kat 1d
You started as a ripple
Just a speck
In the shimmering ocean
But I was naive
Should have known
The ocean is too dangerous
To play in
Too powerful
To ignore
Maybe once I touched the water
You decided
To rise up against me
Should have known
Once you tasted my salty skin
You wouldn't let me escape

Your ripple grows
Gathers speed
Looming larger
Soon you tower behind me
Like a specter
You rise up and up
I look behind me and see your
Gaping jaws
Blue mouth
Teeth of white foam

I can't outrun you
You rage behind me
Your spray tickles my calves
Cold breath on warm skin
Whispers of what's to come
And what's always there
Watching waiting wailing
Never far
And I run faster and faster
Breath in spurts
Heartbeats echoing like my footsteps
On sinking ground
Tears staining my cheeks
Running like rivers down my neck
Hands shaking
With the knowledge
Of what you will do

And I know
You will catch me
Envelop my body in a cocoon of
Cold
Cutting off my breath
Filling my lungs
With the pressure of pain
Filling my mouth
With the taste of fear
And finality
These are the final steps
And as I run I dream of them
Always
You are never far behind
And all I can do is keep running
Until the end
Kat 1d
What doesn’t **** you makes you stronger

As if experiences could erase thoughts
That spin like snowflakes
Tossing turning swirling swaying
Falling then melting and falling again
To spiral in a blizzard of
Fear anxiety hatred shame
I think and feel only
Despair terror sorrow blame
As if trauma could strengthen
The fortress of my mind
Not eat at my defenses like acid rain
Erasing identity erasing strength
You think memories can make us learn
But the memories that make us learn make us weak
Wallowing in the fear of what's to come
In the fear that it will happen again
Because demons come and demons go
But mine live always inside my head
Ready to break through my defenses
Barricaded behind bars
Like a battering ram
I think and feel only
Self-doubt pity anger tears
As if I am stronger for the years
That made me wish I wasn't broken
Wasn't beaten wasn't weak
Shield shattered into a thousand pieces
That tear at my heart and tear into my soul
I feel your pain and I hear your silence
Feel guilt where guilt should not exist
As if saying
What doesn't **** you makes you stronger
Can somehow make it alright
But you don’t know
Experiences lead to thoughts that sting
And burn like slashes dripped in salt
That bleed and bleed until they fade
And open again at the slightest touch
Crying sobbing wailing weeping
Wishing we could erase it all, the
Panic failure sorrow pain
And you say what doesn't **** you makes you learn
I have learned all right but learned that now
I know what it is like to be weak
And maybe I know how
To ask for help
But that doesn't make it alright at all
Cause the bruises bandages silver scars
Remind me that I'm no longer whole
Make me wish my fortress
Was strong enough to bear
The anguish of this world
And the chaos of my mind

What doesn't **** you makes you stronger
Maybe in another world
But not in mine
He staggered to the med-line,
wept bitterly from his soul
for hope, he feared, he'd never find
to fill that gaping hole.
Somewhere in the sands of time,
a boy plays at his father's feet
when happiness didn't cost a dime
And he danced to a different beat.
But that was years ago -
The song had ended much too fast.
He refused the pills, walked real slow,
and cradled his playful past.
Sky 1d
******* me

**** me with a compliment
**** me with a smile
I promise you that it will be worthwhile

I have forgotten love and kindness
And human touch
One small dose of it is lethal, and I want it very much

Poison me with kisses
Choke me with your love
I’m sick of being reminded that I’m not enough

Burn me with your fingers
As you gently hold my hand
Drown me with your lips
Make my finale extra grand

This world has left me cold, leaving me forever haunted
****** me with kindness because it’s all I’ve ever wanted.
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