You don't know this yet,
but I'm gonna meet you
in a few days
and on the 13th of December
you'll let me be yours
My mother will hate you
for a couple of years,
but I'll leave the house
i grew up on
just to be next to you;
all the hard work and sleepless nights
will be worthwhile
Sixty months after that,
we're going to get married
on the 18th of June,
and our children will be happy,
I'm aware of all this stuff
because, twenty three years later,
I'm still in love with your laugh,
your jokes, your rants
and changing moods
I'll always be thankful
for that first conversation we had
eight thousand, three hundred
and seventy seven
March is Saint Patrick’s Day and Green
March is still cold outside
March is trees
March is before April
March is springtime and tornadoes
March is in like a lion out like a lamb
And in like a lamb and out like a lion
March is rain and rainbows and sunshine
March is flowers
March is Black Women History Month
This is March
I dared not to repeat history,
To not repeat that life changing mistake, But different actions, same results.
I piece together this puzzle,
Oh so carefully.
From my experience in the past few months,
I've learned the things we did to fail.
But this isn't enough,
Not much information gathered.
And so, here am I walking on a similar path,
It feels like October 14th all over again.
I drove by the place i used to spend hours roaming hoping to find you. Its been forever since we've been there at the same time. Somewhere along the way things changed for me and i can't bring myself to go back to that place and feel hurt over it. I think i only miss you now and then because i haven't found anyone else. You were in my dreams the other night, in a totally cliche kind of way, and even in my head you leave me dizzy and nauseous (in the best kind of way). But to be honest i don't think i could face you in real life, i'd be too embarrassed after what I've done. Though i never saw you when i wanted to anyhow, so i guess i still won't now. Overall, i miss you completely and i don't miss you at all.
It's your birthday today. It's another point in time that I won't share with you. Even after trying, I feel as if I can't even be a part of the friends that wish you a happy birthday on your fucking facebook wall. Most of the time now I don't even think about you or I see you as something to look back on fondly. Yet I'll see a photo of you and remember exactly why I fell for you and I remember the feeling of breathlessness. I'm always stuck convincing myself that I can't do this to myself again, so I forget. I forget to think of your eyes when I look at the stars. I forget to think of your smile when I feel the summer night car breeze blow through my hair. I forget to see your body when I look at the crashing ocean waves before me. I forget to see the ink on your skin when the sun sets over the mountains turning the sky orange. I forget about you… until I remember.
January: It had been three months since I saw you, spoke to you; but the pain was still there, still potent. I began numbing it with booze and boys and anything I could to distract me from what had taken place. I didn't care about school or getting a job. I just simply wanted to forget.
February: You weren't the first thing on my mind anymore when I woke; though you always crossed it. Something always reminded me of you. A smell, a sound, a feeling. Your voice had faded and name no longer made me sick. But you were still there.
March: I slept with someone else. I finally found it in me to give myself to someone else. I just wanted there to be someone. I didn't want you to have that hold on me anymore. I went against everything I thought and believed and I slept with someone else. I wasn't in love. I wasn't even in like. It was a total stranger. Just someone who could make me feel something again.
April: I thought I was going to break when what was supposed to be our six month anniversary came about. But I didn't. I didn't even think about you. You had messaged me out of the blue, apologizing. Apologizing for everything you put me through, telling me how I didn't deserve it. It made me laugh. I knew you'd come crawling back, but I knew it wasn't genuine. You still only wanted one thing from me. I threw myself into my work.
May: I was so looking forward to graduating. To moving forward. To ridding myself of you. I met someone, someone I thought nothing of at the time. He was just another temporary boy. Little did I know I'd see him again.
June: I graduated. I was free. I felt free. So many people thought I wouldn't do it. You broke me. You broke me so badly. I was still trying to fix myself with vodka and gin. I worked, I drank, I repeated. I went out and tried new things, new people. You tried apologizing again, I laughed.
July: I met him again. He showed up and hung around. I was weary of him. I didn't trust him, because of you. I didn't want it to just repeat. I was so worried he was going to hurt me like you did. I told myself I wasn't going to date him. I wasn't going to fall for him. But the butterflies that filled me every time I saw him, thought different.
August: August was full of adventures, smiles, laughs, tears, love. I saw him everyday. I spent all of my time with him. He had my attention better than anyone else had. I was falling. Oh god was I falling.
September: The adventures continued. We went to the beach, the mountains, the lakes. Everything with him was passionate. Vivid. It's like he breathed life into my lungs. He made me feel alive. I was on top of the world with him. Loving him took courage and strength. He got it all.
October: I told him I was leaving. I was leaving what I called home. Oh I think I broke him. You should have heard the shift in his tone, how his eyes grew dimmer, the sliver of hope he had left faded away. I was leaving, but he never asked me to stay.
November: November saw a month of tears. I was gone. My love, my best friend, my soulmate was so incredibly far. Physically and emotionally. I have never felt so alone. I missed him. I wanted him. Sometimes I even think I needed him. He was everything to me. Oh how badly I wanted to come home to him. I promised him I would. He couldn't wait though, he couldn't wait for me to come back to him... so he distracted himself with her. That made me question everything.
December: Meeting him at the airport after six and a half weeks was riveting. I was a wreck. What if he didn't love me anymore? What if I couldn't look at him? What if his plans for me, us, had changed? What then? Oh, but being in his arms... I've never felt so calm. So at peace. He wiped my tears. Reassured me of my fears. I began to imagine life with him, in even greater detail than before. He paralyzes me in a way you never did. He sees the broken you left behind and holds the pieces together. He looks at the hurt you left in my eye and finds beauty in it. I swear he could see into my soul.
January: I left him again. I had to go back home. I left him. I don't feel right without him. He's my person. My best friend. My go to. Not having him here is like living without oxygen. It's impossible.
i like to make lists: one thing per month for what i’m looking forward to
(reasons why i shouldn’t die)
i like to start with february (because january is overrated and shitty) --anyway:
february: my best friend’s birthday
okay, okay, let’s start over:
february: valentine’s d-- fuck. that doesn’t help.
i like to alternate years between being badass and single and laughing with friends over how awful dating is, and buying myself chocolate and watching hallmark movies all day.
let’s try this one more time:
february: my best friend’s birthday
march: spring break spent with friends going anywhere but home
april: rain instead of snow
may: the end of the school year-- finals week sucks but it’s just a week of stress and then i’m done--
june: warm weather
july: so much sunshine that i forget about my depression
august: catching up on sleep that i lost all year (lost all summer staying up with the warm weather)
september: sales on office and school supplies, notebooks and paper
november: half-winter, half-autumn movies, nightmare before christmas, donnie darko
december: christmas and peppermint mocha
january: pretending like everything is a fresh start even though i know that i’ll just be worsening my same old bad habits (it’s okay, my frontal lobe won’t be done forming for another six-to-eight years anyway)
february: my birthday, watching all the scratches and scars from other people and things start to fade.
After six months I hope to have moved on.
After six months I hope your name won’t sound the same.
After six months I hope that the days we were together feel like a year ago.
After 6 months I hope I don’t feel the pain.
All the time we spent together,
Was more then I could have hoped,
But I am tired of re-living our moments,
And of every last time we spoke.
I am tired of hating people,
Maybe myself a little too.
I dream of a day so different,
Where we are both so different too.
I hope and I beg for the change to occur
Within each fleeting second,
But then I realize something in me
That holds onto each last minute.
So here I’ll start
To say goodbye,
To let you go for real.
So here is when I let you go
Like a new born baby seal.
To survive this world with out me
Without my intrusions on your life,
And please move on without me
Because I wont be holding back this time.
-ALC December 11, 2016
two thousand nine hundred and forty six microscopic tiny shards of glass stuck in my hand is the only equivalent feeling to hearing your name
six months later and i keep finding hidden pieces in my palms
/ just when i thought my hands were numb i saw the silky red dress i wore the day my hand hit the glass and all i want to do is throw up