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Ozuru 2d
A memorized murmur again in my mind,
And once more, it wasn’t at all kind.
I could feel the water in my eyes,
And now, It’s all gone, my disguise.
It’s the same tears that
I felt all those years ago.
In my skull was that retained frozen photo,
A memory, too difficult to remember,
To this thought, I once again surrender.
All this was, was another ticking time bomb,
That was going to blow when I was once again calm.

I can’t escape it,
I’m trying to run away but I’m too unfit,
Right now I’m captured and I’m not sure how to escape,
Maybe I should stay here and just wait,
For something to happen or nothing at all,
At least here there’s no wall,
To what is real and what is fake,
And from all this pretend I get a tremendous backache,
From carrying the weight of trying to seem okay,
Because that fantasy is all an act as if I was on Broadway.

If I stay here,
I’ll do what I feared,
To end my life,
Over some silly strife.
But won’t that mean the memory won’t repeat?
Won’t that mean all my suffering will be a deadbeat?
No longer will I have to feel pain,
That goes around in my stupid old brain.
All I’ll feel is peace,
But who will find me?
That’s the missing puzzle piece.
I don’t want to traumatize another soul,
Because that was never my goal.
I just want the pain to stop,
Not for it to be swapped.
Nicx 6d
White noise screaming in my head
Like Venom I feel parts of myself splitting
Ear piercing screeching electrocutes my soul
I want to put my head through a wall
Down a bottle, maybe two
Anything I can to end this torture
My heart is desperately trying to speak to me
But my mind won't stop and listen
I need to feel my way through this
Connect with myself to move forward
But I'm locked inside and fear is the deadbolt
Sometimes I'd rather be dead than face it
I’m growing out of you
you are draining like a flood
through the exit door
some songs are just songs again
some movies are just movies again
some scents are just scents again
some places are just places again
and I sigh of relief
because finally I’m me again
it might take years to grow out of someone but have hope and keep going ❤️
clmathew Sep 10
My body mine
written August 13th, 2021

I stand in the shower feeling
my hands on my body
the water on my hands
me in my body mine

my mind flies away
as it is so practiced in doing
1 time, 2 times, 26 times
I gently return

my mind back to my body
my body back to my hands
my hands back to the water
my presence back into my body

27 times and 28 times
until one day
however many times it takes
124 times or 1,238 times

I can stay here
with this body
that is
my body mine.
Thank you TK for helping me to enjoy thinking about this, for making it not seem like such a horrible task.

Writing, never feels finished, like I said in another poem about writing these poems. Eventually I just hit post, and try to let it be enough. Maybe I'll revise some of these in the future? Or maybe not. Thank you for reading me.
Nicx Sep 2
Sadness and numbness collide
It feels like too much and I'm not alright
I can tell something's wrong inside
If it weren't so hard I'd give up on this fight
A piece of me wants to get better
Other parts just want my demise
So back and forth my mood tremors
So many thoughts that they all sound like lies
I'm too anxious to even discuss it
Too many choices I make make it worse
The doctors say drugs do not help this
But this bottle's relief and a curse
It's so hard to complain since I know that
My own actions add weight to this burden
I crave an escape but I forget
Not even those will stop this hurting
You know, I never actually got away?
I left those 4 walls long ago
But the friends I made while I was alone..?
Still keep me company inside my head

They remind me every day
That Im not capable of  making good choices.
That it's safer to be alone, behind walls.
That crying is not just weak, but dangerous.

Because when people come inside,
They will hate you.
They will hurt you.
And worst of all,
They will never. Even try. To understand you.

You probably aren't worth the time.
Or even the space you inhabit.
You are possibly a vile and useless creature
Born to be wrong, and always sorry.

So don't be late
Don't defend yourself.
Don't cry - and if you do:
Don't ever let them hear you.
Don't say one ******* word,
Of one ******* thought,
Out loud. Ever.

Those are the rules.
And if you ever find yourself struggling
To follow those rules:
Stop breathing until it gets easier.

Its been years now, but...
I never actually left that room....
Those 4 walls came with me,
And I carry them inside every day.

On good days they keep me safe.
And on bad days they close in so tightly,
That it gets dark, and hard to breathe.
But on any given day?
I just feel... So **** heavy...

©pennamebreez
I wasn't allowed out of my room often as a child. Most of the time leaving my room was scary. Sometimes being in my room was scary.
Gum
You made me feel stuck
You made me feel gross
You made me feel unwanted
You made me feel like an inconvenience
You made me feel ugly
You made me feel like a waste
You made me feel discarded
You made me feel like a mistake
You made feel powerless
You made me feel worthless
You made me feel inhuman
You made me feel like a ruined day

A ruined day that lasts forever...
And there is no running from it
There is no hiding from it
There's just me, unmoving
Unable to be whatever you wanted
When I never really had a chance

You made me feel like gum
On the bottom of your shoe

I did not deserve to feel that way

©pennamebreez
The feelings caused by my stepmother, who was rarely kind, often cold, and never loved me.
Khoi Aug 30
Raw burnt fingertips
hell bound blown
overexposed
scull thought to the bone
in the overtone of death's
ever risising crimson tides
still your love for humanity
must never die
I heard it in the rain
falling from so many eyes
you are free from it all
for the meek and mild
were also the bold
blood became water,
streaming
from a fearlfull heart
of stories
never been told.
Kai Lily Aug 23
It never leaves you
But you think it does
It hides behind a veil of good
You may feel comfortable for a while
Looking out the stain glass window of your house
Letting visitors inside
And You dont see it
Dont Feel its presence in your head
Wondering to yourself
“Is it safe now?”

The second you step out
Is when it takes its opportunity
Grasps your neck firmly in its grip
A montage of images fill your head
You want to scream
But you know you cant
Because it keeps you quiet
You can barley breathe
Body shaking
And your heart feels like its beating out of your body

And you need
Something
Anything
To distract your head
Or maybe even
End up dead
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