I want to unhouse this body,
tear up the floorboards of my flesh,
Allow the blood to seep out into the earth.
To break down to moss might be the most merciful thing I could do to
this prison of permanence that keeps me
I am contamination,
I am illness housed in bone
slicing this skin to let the sickness seep out
to let the blood sink into the dirt
to return my borrowed body to the depths.
I never asked to be trapped
tied down in muscle and fat.
I am more corpse than corporeal
so bury me where I belong.
I have only felt joy while holding my breath.
The high of being denied oxygen makes me feel closer to you.
I crave your cold hands wrapping around my throat
ripping this skin open
letting me fall to pieces amongst the flowers.
At least the winds will whistle my name when I'm gone,
the sweet tune of the trees
soaking me in through their roots.
If I was not happy above the dirt,
let me fill these lungs with the funeral of the earth,
the carrion will make use of these remnants of skin
and I will be content to be cloaked and crowned in this castle of soil
CW: Implications of self harm
I cannot just let it go
because it is in
the enamel of my teeth
the cells in my skin
and the soles of my feet
It is something
I must carry
for all eternity
because it's woven
into the fabric
of my being
to shatter me
and I survived,
but I'm left
with all this debris
For as long as I can remember I’ve been damaged
Sad eyes that only appear more beautiful with a glassy film of tears.
For as long as I can remember it’s been difficult for me to love or be loved.
I always feel so close to many but never truly connected to one
For as long as I can remember I’ve been disappointing
To myself who is never satisfied until I’m writhing in pain
But even then, I’m breathless.
Something I found in my notebook.
If you've never been molested
If you think it's no big deal
If you think it's the victims fault
If you think we're just attention seekers
Just know this
I've been dead since I was a child
I can't recall who I was
Or who I ever will be
I can't feel anything
I'm completely empty
I see shadows
Of monsters and demons
I pray to a god I may not believe in
I can't trust anyone
Not even my own family
I block out my memories
Only to bleed through my dreams
I can't breathe if someone touches me
I'm shaking endlessly
I'm unable to love
I can't be loved
It was taken from me
When their hand went into me
I was broken
By a man who got sympathy
Where's my sympathy?
Where's my healing
Where's my it's not your fault
They gave it to him
Let him sin
With a grin
While I'm here
I only let monsters hold me
I'm afraid of the light
I'm disgusting and it's always my fault
How everything went wrong
I'm so sorry
That you're disgusting disgrace
Touched my innocent face
Forced me into a shadow
Peeled my skin from me
Shed me into insanity
I looked so cute in my bathing suit huh
And noone ever came
They never stopped it
So please understand
I will never heal
I will never deal
And I will continue to peal
Until my body dies
Along with my soul
Quarentine has my trauma raised up and I have been denying it this entire time but I guess it's really hitting me tonight
A blank stone,
I'm hurtling along the patched concrete
windows down, radio blaring
pothole jostling loosens something in me
a shiver of a memory
my city juts up
out of the morning fog
and I realize
heard this song
5.13.20 8:15 am
I burn a little inside,
It strikes me, dives right into my core
I smile a little shakily
Talk a little less
So that others don't fear my sadness, offer sympathy on a platter
I need 8 coffee's
Just to start my day
I can't get up with a spring in my step or just pass the time away
My shoulders are tight
My limbs are heavy
I just want to get on with my day
I try with all my might
With a flicker of hope to make it through today
There is no sanity in inhumanity,
No reason to reprehensible.
I should stop looking for answers
Were there were never any to begin with.
I'll never understand how you can say "I love you" and abuse the way you .
You suffocated me with pain and rage. You mercilessly violated me as easy as turning a page.
You mentally ***** me of all my worth. I'm nothing now, I'm trash. I can't escape my past.
I turn to the darkest corners of my mind to find the love you left behind. I find nothing but shame, nothing but blame.
Why did you make it unsafe to be in bed? Why did you make it unsafe to be in my head?
You say you're Christ-led but it feels like the Devil instead.
I've lost my innocence to your sin.
My soul is crushed, my body bares wounds from my rage as does the pen and the page.
My mind is my personal hell. All the painful memories, day in and day out. Who could I ever tell?
I do not want my tomorrow, I drown my spirit in depths of sorrow. Yet, still I remain. I go on to see another day, my frozen lips have nothing to say.
You stole my peace, my youth, my sanity. You were suppose to be noting more than my father, why did you hurt me? Torture me? Why did your course alter?
A poem about my father.
Such a harsh
Crüe and usual way to start
To begin your life almost ******
In the same manner as
Not the begging or end for a baby
Much less a
This is my thoughts on my first two years of life, where Che was torture d to death so nearly was as a baby