it isn't that bad. I like my shower, the tub is wide and its a nice silky green that makes it appear super clean which is good because I am a (reformed) dirty person who is scared of dirty showers. it's just so small, I think a little too small, and the kitchen is uncomfortably right in the room. like it's just, right there, there is no divide. it does have these cute little green and blue shelves but they're mediocre. dust gets into it a lot but it's two inches big so its not like it's that big of a deal to sweep it, I'm sure if I had to maintain much more I wouldn't be able to call myself a reformed dirty person because I'd get lazy and give up. I think I'm going to fill in the idea catcher book I bought not too long ago, keep myself busy, you know. I'm gonna go to Bookman's tomorrow and get some more little books like that, maybe one poetry based or song based, anything to keep my brain and hands busy. I used to hate that because I thought I was just pushing off inevitable pain, that if I didn't feel it all ALL ALL, like with the intensity of a dust storm on the i10 when you literally can't see a foot in front of you, I would be doing myself a disservice. I think I was a little naive. I'm not pushing off pain by breathing, staying busy, and not dwelling. I'm continuing, I'm moving forward, I'm not letting my emotions run my entire life. I am able to understand that my baseline is raised but that doesn't mean I have to stoop down to its level.
I do hope we work this out. I have said a lot of stuff and thought even more, but I love you and I want to be with you. I have to love me more though, and that's my focus. I think I might need to tell you I need some space where we don't talk because I don't want to be sitting by the phone, I don't want to end up worrying or getting anxious over what you're doing, I don't want any reason to get panicked. Maybe I just need to avoid triggers for a bit, let myself chill, breathe and relax without feeling guilty for being a suppressor. oh god, how angry I am at you, my birthday is in like two weeks. I don't want to do anything on that day and I especially don't want to see or hear from you, not unless everything is normal, which it shouldn't be. are we skipping over our anniversary? see, this is what I mean. it doesn't matter, its a pointless day that is forced onto us by capitalism and the idea that if we make more holidays people will spend more money, it doesn't really matter what day we met as long as we are spending the following days TOGETHER, I don't need to stress about these things/ maybe its because I'm so tired (I have slept 4 hours in the last 36 hours) but right now, I just want to feel settle. this wasn't my doing, I didn't choose to be here, I shouldn't have to feel it too. I want to put something in here about how I'm sure I'm going to feel it, I'm sure there's no escaping the empathy I've been cursed with ever since I first found the love of drug addicts and mental illnessee's all thanks to my dear departed father who was, ahem, both, call it daddy issues , but I am not going to. I am not going to feel it. its not my job to mourn the loss of something you ruined. fix it. it makes me feel less panicked when the ball is in my court and I have to remember that. I have to keep the control, it's the only way ill keep my cool.
re: do I tell you I can't talk to you for a few days?
re: RE: probably a good idea, but will it make it hurt worse? could it possibly be harder on us than need be?
FWD: RE: RE: seeing you will be the hardest part. knowing I only get glimpses, never a stare.
re: well? are you gonna do it then?
re: RE: im not sure if I'm strong enough.
FWD: RE: this situation isn't something that is happening to me, it is a decision I am 100% a part of. I am not okay with what has happened and I am standing up for myself, even if sometimes I get anxious and that's a little blurry.
re: RE: I didn't mean it when I said never mind, when I said we could continue on like nothing ever happened. I would never let myself be apart of something so unhealthy, not ever again. I wish I took a bit of time for myself this morning before seeing you, I bet it would have made it a little easier. I shouldn't have talked to Jake, there was no point. I love him for hearing me cry though.
not sure but my heart is a lil broken just so u all know. damn this bitch is resilient!! I guess thats another thing I can put on my list of good qualities. I'm gonna build it up until I love myself more than I have ever loved another person place or thing.
*you don't deserve a tag, and I'm also a little embarrassed.