I am soon leaving a place to find a new one to roam.
The place I am leaving behind is what I call home.
I am leaving the green fields and the cozy old town.
To face new challenges and get my world turned upside down.

Before, I was stuck at the bottom of a now forgotten ocean.
It was dark and quiet, yet the water around me was in commotion.
I could not breathe and was desperate to take in another breath.
I was not ready to greet the eternal sleep, better known as death.

My body felt weightless even though my eyelids were so heavy.
I cut off the chain that hugged my feet and swam slow but steady.
“Would I make it?” was the thought that kept making me nervous.
However, that did not stop me from taking my eyes of the surface.

With my head above the water, the air felt so liberating.
Because being in the water for too long can be quite intoxicating.
I find it funny how water makes you either float or is pushing you down.
It can scream into your eardrums, yet at other times it makes no sound.

When I finally reached land and felt solid ground beneath my feet.
I looked at the horizon and felt a warm embrace from the sun’s heat.
When the last drop of salty water left my body, I took seat in a full bus.
We drove off without direction, while the sun was still shining on us.

When I reached my final destination, I did not know what to do or say.
I have never stood alone before, and I was ready to just run away.
But then the traffic light stopped me with the brightest shade of green.
And suddenly I knew what to do with my life, at the age of nineteen.

Melt away my fear
hold my hand for just a bit
hungry eyes waiting

They call me the angel child;
and I suppose at some point, I once was one.
But my demons have cut off my wings a long time ago.

i scraped my knees in the
realms of time
i don't know where to hide
under the willow tree
to find and harvest
the new moon
a cracked ceiling blinks
with long lashes
my long lost friend is
still ice cold
it is not yet spring

greet my reflection if
i go too long
without smiling

a transparent person
it looks a lot like
me

approaching nightfall
rosy stray lips talk too much
drinking the false truth

it’s like i’m trapped inside of an oyster
hidden away from the world;
except i am not a precious pearl
waiting to be found

i'm 21;
yet my mind is still flying away to the countryside
to dance with the lark under the meadow bridge

You do as you please.
I'm just a human,
in the form of a woman.
So of course, you can
do as you please.
How dare I speak up my mind?
I should just shut up.
My no means yes to you,
so why do I even bother?

But that ain't working,
not anymore at least.
This pushover has been
pushed too close to the edge.
Tornado meets volcano;
and destruction will lay upon you.
Let me erase your being,
so you can start anew.
And this time I'll help
by planting in your mind
a simple seed of common sense.


*******.

Hair was dark as night
the silver fox has arrived
I call her mother

Roasted chestnut eyes
searching for people to help
hope lives in her palms

Four strong beating hearts
she embroidered those to us
a human angel

Today is her day
because she emerged from it
April dwells in her

Sometimes I want love to find me.
For when love takes over,
you'll walk the road of serenity.
You'll climb the mountain of euphoria.
You'll swim the ocean of ecstasy.

Yet, I don't think love is good for me.
I'm afraid it'll **** me in a state of oblivion.
But perhaps that's all I ever really need;
to fall into the pit of love and never
break through the surface again.

Fishing the coins up from my pocket.
One by one.
Counting them carefully. Repeatedly.
I hope I haven’t forgot some.

Just the thought of it makes me nervous.
I’ll face the ground.
What should I do if I have counted wrong?
Just keep looking down.

Standing in line, trapped in a cage.
The next one is me.
Please, don’t do anything stupid.
Count slowly to three.

The beeping from the machine.
It’s too loud.
The voices and smiles are all too much.
I don’t belong in a crowd.

I am up front, the point of no return.
Eye to eye.
Looking down, giving the money.
I am ready to die.

All the attention is now gone, I’m free.
The exit has arrived.
I can’t believe I did it once again.
I can’t believe I survived.

I try to say what's on my mind,
but the words are in commotion.
I keep it bottled up inside;
a walking wreck of emotions.

You only see the tip of the iceberg,
but my feelings are pacific deep.
When will my love stop being unheard,
so my insecurities can sleep.

I'm sporadic alive; roaming around,
trying to cope with my endless stress.
I hope you dare to see my ghost town,
where the fragile me are taking a rest.

With a smile on your mouth
I see the evening breathing out
Calling my long lost name

And while I don't you recall
I hear you whisper, while I fall
Pouring memories down the drain

I tried to make you understand
You need to leave wonderland
The lion still kills without claws

But you crashed with the reality
Leaving strangers with serenity
Drowning in the final applause

I take occasional sips
from my favorite mug that
I've poured chamomile tea into.
It's strange how we
change through the years.
When I was younger I hated
chamomile tea, since my mum
made it when I was sick.
But now, it's one of my favorites.
I guess my soul is sickened of the
mundane world I live in,
and it needs something to
clam it down.

Today's forecast:

Pretending everything is fine,
until you fall into the pitch black.
Then you lie motionless in pain,
wrenching your soul and
crying your heart out.
Afterward, the headache hits you
like a blazing fire, accompanying
your sadness so you feel less alone.
Then demons with insomnia
play with the clock, forcing your
mind to wander again tonight.
At some point, stillness will find
you and it'll shoot its bullet in
your flesh; a mercy ****.
Oblivion will then sweep
you off your feet and
shroud you in woven peace.
Nothingness will be blasting
out loud, until the golden rays
find your eye corner and
trespass with fuming ferocity.


And then it all begins anew.

Sometimes I paint outside the framework.
Because even the perfectionist goes berserk.
Just to let the steam out of the system.

Sometimes I dream that my teeth are falling out.
I never know what that is about.
Only to find myself waking up with the feeling of relief.

Sometimes I stare directly into the burning sun.
It is a battle that I have not yet won.
Perhaps a walking stick will accompany me someday.

Sometimes I run with my old loose shoes.
Only to collide with the ground, leaving me with a blue bruise.
I never seem to learn from my mistakes.

Sometimes I apologize, even if it is not my fault.
But I can take the blame. I am tough as asphalt.
I do not mind to say what others are afraid to admit.

Sometimes I wish I could look in the mirror.
See all the things a little clearer.
To greet my reflection with a smile.

It is so dark that I can’t even see my own two hands in front of me.
But it is okay, I don’t even need the light to see.
Because all I need is not to see what lies ahead of the path I walk.
Nor do I need to hear the birds sing or even the voices as they talk.

I might end up stumbling and falling along the way.
But as long as I know it is meant to be, I am sure I am going to be okay.
And if I happen to not be okay in the end, that is alright as well.
Because no one can do anything to harm me, no one but myself.

I have hurt the skin that covers me, seen the crimson red peep through to say hello.
But of course I didn’t tell any, why should I let anybody know?
I do not need any pity because after all I made these choices for a reason.
A reason others won’t understand, they might call my actions for treason.

But I don’t care what they think, they should just leave me alone.
How could they ever understand how it feels like, to be unwelcome in your own home?
I have held countless of knives in my hand and let them embrace with my ivory bones.
I can only smile for myself, now that I've found my place beside the many tombstones.

The "us" in my head was just
a stillborn dream of mine.
But in another life, that dream
would live and breathe with us.

I keep thinking about all the things we could become,
about adventures we would put in our pockets,
and watch the dark capture the sun.

But I’m sure you don’t know how I feel,
but it’s not you who is spellbound,
since it’s you who spins the wheel.

I know you, yet you are still a stranger,
it’s rather funny the way we met,
but now I sense the inevitable danger.

Sometimes we don’t talk for a while
yet I still wonder how you’re doing,
and then I can’t stop to smile.

To be honest I would like to run away,
but you keep me tied to your wrist,
without hearing the words I have to say.

I think we have a lot of calamity in us,
yet it seems to hurt me the most,
so hit me with your best shot.

**And take my breath away for the last time.

I submerge myself
in sadness
drenched to my core
I paddle through
heartache and
melancholic waves
unaware of the
lurking tsunami
spawned by
everlasting
thoughts of you

meandering thoughts
a central, vicious star writes
whilst watching the skulls

spawning promises
deep in the pond with goldfish
the final breakdown

Seeing the changes
floating away with the stream
give back my childhood

He just swims in his mind
drowning sorrows in drinks,
the light has burnt out
he's unable to think,
about life and what to do.

He sneaks off in the night
taking heavy-hearted steps,
he leaves nothing behind
he just wants to forget,
about life and what not to do.

Demons, demons everywhere.
They touch my skin and smell my hair.

Cold, cold eyes.
Floating faceless beings in disguise.

Deadly, deadly claws.
Scratching the mind, waiting for an applause.

Throat, throat is sore.
Painted in blue, can’t take it anymore.

Tears, tears so very clear.
Face is bathed in agony and fear.

Pills, pills to swallow.
The soul passed out, the body is hollow.

Please, please go away.
Come again another day.

I wish I cared a little less
about what the world thinks of me.
Because it only makes me more depressed
when perfection is always out of my reach.

I wish I loved myself a little more
for the sake of my starving self-esteem.
But I lost the key to the entrance door
thus my happy ending remains a pipe dream.

I feel too much and even though it's great at times
I also hate it, because I can't control my emotions.
It's like caging an animal born in freedom,
you'll only end up hurting yourself if you try.

And I have tried, believe me.
I've tried so many times.
And I've come to realize it doesn't matter
whether I try to cage them in or let them run free,
it's always me who ends up being hurt.

And it ******* hurts.
It makes me not want to be me.
It makes me not want to live.
Because I can't express the things roaming
inside of my mind, my veins and my heart.

I'm going crazy inside my private circus
I'm the clown, the elephant,
the ballerina and the ringmaster
how am I supposed to balance all these roles?
It's no wonder I'm going mad
and tearing myself up from within.

Help! I need help, but the help won't reach me
since I convince myself every time that I need no help.
Because I'm afraid to be weak, for others to see me as weak
and that's my own problem: I'm my own kryptonite.

22; i'm 22,
still don't know what to do.
Roaming around in my mind,
chasing dreams that aren't mine.
Lost in circus - lost in perfection,
something's turning;
changing my reflection.
Smile mirror, smile
dance with luck for a while.
Down the drain it goes,
dripping failure flows
from the eyes to the toes.

Touch me with your words, not your hands
come to me naked, even when you're covered
devour my soul, and worship my mind
trace my skin and kiss my battle wounds

Read my story the dancing ink displays
whisper words of salvation into my ear
don't protect me, I know how to wreck
I don't want your gold, only your hand in mine

Fun and games
that's all it takes
to keep young hearts in motion
but one night like the
thousands of others
she went missing;
gone from sight and
gone from everyday life

Time went by
and she went with it
the clock was a ticking bomb;
waiting to find hope
and explode with glee
but on the happiest
day of the world
it took a sharp turn

She was found in the
morning's cold embrace
no trace of life remained;
robbed of innocence
robbed of possibilities
never to open eyes again
never to open the front door
and say "I'm home"

Like many before me
the mirror is my enemy
it shows me things I don't want to be
it shows me a twisted image of reality

It haunts me from within
by planting hoaxes under my skin
burned to my core is the malicious grin
hatched from the depths of my mirror twin

run with the wind to
the killing freedom
search for the
ultimate home
surrounded by fields
to make an eternal summer
the frozen sun goes
around and around
a bird with a
broken wing is dead
no one came to visit

The pills make me brave
no more stumbling words
or drowning in attention-waves.

The pills make me calm
no more marathon in my chest
but no calm without a storm.

The pills make me relax
no more arson in my cheeks
but i know it soon will attack.

The pills make me happy
or at least they suppress the tears
but they haven't set me truly free.

The pills make me a better version
while the real me is still a wreck
how do i break the distortion?

The pills make me feel alive
yet i'm still dying on the inside
but here i am; i intend to survive.

darkening seashore
a golden, bare halo flies
betrayed by the knife

I have butterflies
roaming in my chest.
But these are not the
good butterflies;
these are the bad ones.
They have been kissed
by death and their wings
coated in despair have
found a nest inside of me.

The city's drowsiness
seeps into the bus,
leaving behind misty
eyes and empty promises
of a better tomorrow.
For a while, everything
seems perfect.
But I know I'm playing
a dangerous game
with this self-fabricated
pipedream.
It will eventually
burst and leave me
halfway there, enveloped
in a nirvana of despair.
Despite knowing this,
I still dive in; head first.

Lightning bolts embroidered on swaying hips;
two oceans roam with potential danger.
Come take a sip of wonder - if you dare;
let the water guide home the lost sailor.

Death is calling tonight,
the air carries the old message.
Stepping over the line,
falling into non-existence.

piercing through the air
terror without an end
lives harvested way too soon
unraveled family and friends

how long will this last?
how many liters of blood
will contaminate our minds
before they choose to stop?

the law should protect
instead, the horror is welcomed
creeping around in plain sight
before it takes your loved ones

Eventually pain became my friend.
An ally I could trust completely.
It would tell me when I was badly wounded.
But this friend became an addiction.
A toxic relationship with no escape.
And when my mind wandered off to other places,
trying to forget everything,
it would drag me back into reality with no mercy.
Scars can only heal if you leave them alone,
but this friend ripped them up every night.
I can’t lie and say it didn’t hurt,
but at least I knew I was still alive.

front line; left behind
a steady battle cry crawls
into the death drum

You did not want to make me cry
I did not want to say goodbye
oh, I've been a fool for far too long

You did not want to make amends
I did not want to make it end
oh, what can I do to get to you?

I did not get to save your soul
now I'm sitting here alone
bleeding heavily from loving you

And I know that it's way too late
I put my life in your fate
but I'm still smiling here in the dark

unfamiliar home
a slight, fragile bubble trapped
by the ballpoint pen

How is it possible to feel
so empty, when the negative
thoughts keep piling up?

His nocturnal desires have awoken,
they roam carelessly on the moonlit highway.
Tangled in cryptic and claustrophobic visions,
hands on the steering wheel; aiming at prey.

It hails with burned-out dreams,
morphine-filled words whisper about salvation.
Pines sprinkle their prickly love on his ragdoll,
igniting the poor man's gold excavation.

Lemon drops poured into his frayed heart,
a nirvana of thoughts etched in the sky.
The beacon revealed his method of madness,
he kept the grain of salt in his eye.

You are half a world away
but you still make my heart flutter.

I'm afraid to be loved.
But that doesn't mean
I don't want to be loved.

I know I say mean things
about myself all the time,
but I do that to protect
myself from potential danger
and unnecessary heartache.

I'm only human,
or perhaps a bit too human.
I can't deal with too much hardship
because it will only make me
spawn an ocean of melancholy.

And I do not want people to see
me drown in my own weakness.
I simply can't allow it.

So I **** it up and carry on.
You might think my mindset
is brave and indeed
it is, to some degree.

But most of all it is painful.
It's so ******* painful.
But I'll get through it, I have to;
until I crash and burn.

I let go of my first love before it had a chance to bloom.
I watched it fall with autumn into the descending moon.

But here we are again; talking about yesterday's tune.
It's like nothing ever happened, and thus my pain resumes.

You saw a glimpse of me
in a sea of people where
my individual existence
drowned in the crowd.

You saw me
in the midst of my inner struggle
where my common sense was
unraveling: thread by thread.

You reached out to me
lured me with crumbs
of love, just so i could see
you were not dangerous.

You waited for me
your patience paralyzed my
xenophobic mind and melted
the glaciers around my heart.

You held my hand
so i couldn't run away
because i tend to play
hide and seek with things i fear.

You whispered into my ear
morphine filled words
slipped down my spine and
burned their way into my core.

You see me
right here in front of you
i'm not used to it therefore
i plead with you: don't look away.

I'm filled to the brim,
yet I'm still threatening
myself with a paper
gun behind my head.

My hands are feverishly
searching for the heart that
vanished with no warning,
whilst the swaying anxiety pushes
me over the familiar edge;
thus my world is turned
upside down, yet again.

The place where my dreams used
to pave the way, has been demolished.
Now a black hole is roaring,
and it's spilling ancient demons
that stain my happiness.
They dance their shadow dance
while chanting self-destructive orders.

I can hear them day and
night, but they are most
prominent from dusk to dawn.
And it's during these
lonely hours that my
ears get painted red
and my cheeks stay wet.