Not my strongest work,
but this is my first poem since March.
Irrational fears

Sometimes, I look up at the stars and ask "where do I go from here?"
But the only answers that are ever offered
Come from my Irrational fears

Sometimes, I think I really loved you
but fell out of love.

Sometimes, I think I never loved you,
just felt like I should.

Sometimes, I think I loved you all along
but knew it was best to let go.

traveling a time
line i be what it says yet
sometimes i choose

Sometimes
I think about everywhere we've been, and the innumerable unreproducible moments

But then I remember quietly fighting about homeschooling in a Denny's

Sometimes
I feel like I'll never connect in the same way with another person

But then I remember that I am dramatic and each intimate connection is unique

Sometimes
I finally am finishing watching our last show that I just haven't had the breadth to pick back up again

And I remember the exact way in a specific moment of the show that you laughed
And how many times you laughed that same way through the years

And I feel pain,
deep in my heart

But then I remember,
pain never really fully leaves

Sometimes I look at you,
And love runs through my veins.
A love that that brings energy
For my brain,
My muscles,
My spirit.
Sometimes I look at you,
And I don't understand,
What you're doing here,
With me,
Why you love me
So broken
Beyond repair.
Sometimes I look at you,
And I want to drag you
To this hole I'm living in,
Perhaps that way
I won't be so lonely
Perhaps that way
You'll feel what I feel
And discover
You'll be better off somewhere else.

-The modern day is poor as people continue to act wild
-Lack of accountability been running rounds
for miles
-Marching marathons in remorse for awhile
-Watching expectations come up short as it starts to pile
-Its been a long time that its been a good time now
-Happiness is hard to be found
-Life has emotionally been roller coasting in the pandemic trials
-And time is racing pass the finish line, hoping to make this life count

-I talk pro about growth cause it’s important to me
-But letting go certain habits is a con i’m avoiding in me
-Praying towards my come up. Patience is slow, but surely
-I’ll manage to overcome those traits one day with the burning desire in me
-I know the potential is in me
-Been supporting free speech to damage people to speak out like it’s therapy
-But hold up, who’s volunteering their time for me to hear my story?

-Life’s crazy causing pressure on me
-Single making 50k yearly, but the office career is unhappy
-The girl I love right now not even mentally ready for me
-Of course I love myself but now who’s gonna love me?
-My heart holds hope while beating lonely, and yet
-Waiting patiently for something new and more
-Chances of getting married now is betting a craps game on the floor

-Can’t continue to sleep with this women I have deep feelings for
-If it’s 50/50 we’re not going to be together moving forward
-And if there’s zero chance for us in the future,
then allow me to close our paradise door
-Back to the drawing board of this single world tour
-Letting go is hard, but good for the soul i’m sure
-Healing these deep wounds is speaking straight to the primary source
-So I started writing my confessions in multiple letters to the Lord

-Hoping my sins don’t cast the next stone, which I can’t afford
-Asking God how further away am I from my reward?
-Once I take that first step to obedience, then his light will shine from the door
-This the start when I stop “starting over” and gain a little more
-This the start when blessings touch my hands as they begin to pour
-This the start when feeling apart turns my part into love and adore
-This the start when the heart can fully be restored
-And if there’s a high chance of life turning around, this the time I walk further towards more in store
-Growth is what i’m fighting for

I can't stand being alone.
So, to cope, I remind myself
That sometimes,
there are some things you have to do alone.

"Why do you believe in me?"
"Because sometimes, I don't believe in myself. That I'm really helping.
But we all need something to believe in.
And I know that you believe in me.
So I believe in you."