insecurity gets the best of me. even when I don’t mean for it to. a fear of becoming bothersome with these afflictions I try to suppress. I suffer restlessly with these sentiments, earnestly craving a silence from the voices that resound persistently in my head. I struggle with the irons wrapped around me, screaming routinely that it’s all a facade. no matter how hard I try, how far I run, the thoughts are always ahead of me. always one step in front, beckoning me. enticing me to welcome their embrace. an embrace of sorrow, of lies and of pain. a place of immeasurable uncertainty. blanketed by a face of calm.
I've been fantasizing death like a child fantasizes Disneyland It seems that death is the only thing right now that could bring that kind of joy A renewal of innocence that will bring me back to Main Street but the only street I see now is the one at my feet as I walk with my head down staring at the ground while trying to hide the frown that's forever buried in my skull. I want to reach out or float out into an empty void but one much more empty than the abyss, the precipice that has become my waking thoughts. I sleep because my dreams are my only safe place but even now my dreams have become a dark space so I hide my face in my pillow at night lie awake and hope that when the morning breaks that life will be a little more kind maybe life will be a little more aligned with whatever it is that keeps me behind that steady pace that I used to find as a child
Stinging morning coffee bliss acompanies the first cig of the day, It’s all downhill from here. Does normal thingsGoes to lecture Lunchtime sugar low. Self-destructive tendencies itching, Beer kick - gets drunk. Being constructive is crushing. Goes to lecure Mind numbing normality Home. Fearful of loneliness and needy, go waste some hours. Its late. Restless. Stoop on the street, with friends. Anxious, ill. Wasted night. Collapse into a shallow sleep of self-loathing. Zombied. Repeated offence.
An acurate describition of my daily university life. Evident is my dependency on drugs and my fear of being alone. Both loneliness and 'mind-numbing normality' are perceived as a threat. The title comes from the french word for daily life to accentuate the repetition and spiraling.