Quinn 5d

How many pills?
One to help
Two to drown
Three to numb
Ten to kill
How many shots?
One to calm
Two to soothe
Three to daze
Twenty to kill
How many cuts?
One to bleed
Two to free
Three to save
Thirty to kill

Crimsyy May 15

I'd love to erase all the pain he caused
and heal your thin scar of a chest
cause I know no matter how you try,
some things you haven't forgotten yet

When I thought of your soul leaving,
I couldn't stand the ache from not knowing
if your heart was still beating,
I hope you don't take the risk just for fun,
I hope you know you've got someone

I need, I need you
to keep your blood running through your veins,
keep your gloves on
since the heat's gone,
I need, I need you to stay

I know I've been "checking up on you"
for the last week,
but lately I haven't been able to fall asleep,
cause I can't listen to the sound of
my own heart beats
when the only music I can hear
are maracas shaking

and I cry

because those aren't maracas shaking,
those are your prescription pills quaking;
since you've been digesting them,
has your vision shifted from grey?
Because, although it might be
selfish of me to ask,
I want to know if you
thought of me at all today.

Kelly Weaver May 11

Dear Diary, today is a new day
I waited for all the rain clouds to go away
Things may be looking up from here
I hope I'm not being too hopeful
Dear Diary, I didn't eat today
Not because of self image but rather my stomach's in frayed
Knots and I can't seem to keep anything down
Except the kind words of those who are around
Dear Diary, I couldn't sleep last night though I felt so tired
And that made it so hard to get up in the morning it felt like my
Shoulders were being held down by rain clouds
I wish I could fight this feeling somehow
Dear Diary, people keep asking if I'm okay which I
Don't understand but either way I say
Yes I'm okay, just a little blue
But at night it feels like my mind's split I two
Dear Diary, I cried ten times today
But my parents aren't asking me if I'm okay
I come home each afternoon and lay in my bed until my brain sings a different tune,
Dear Diary, I saw my doctor today
She FINALLY asked me if I was okay and I didn't
Know how to respond because honestly I didn't know on my own,
Dear Diary, I didn't wanna get up today
So I stayed in bed and it was there that I laid
And doodled on my arm with a razor blade until
Every foul thought slowly faded away,
Dear Diary, my parents have noticed my arms
But they didn't seem even remotely alarmed as I
Stayed in bed once more then I added on another four,
Dear Diary, I often wish I was dead because there
Are thoughts screaming at me in my head and I'm
Trapped in this cold body I'm in while I
Waste away as the walls slowly spin
Dear Diary, today is a new day
I waited for all the rain clouds to go away
Things may be looking up from here
I hope I'm not being too hopeful.

today i felt like shit
so i drank a bunch
of antioxidants
i went home to
take a bath for an hour
couldn't stand up
in the shower

i'm dead meat

mascara, bubble gum,
and hallucinogens
i take my birth control
like i take my

(i always forget)

i'm trying to be
a good girl this time
i wake up every morning,
and stay alive
i know i'm pretty shitty
but at least your mine

i'm broken glass

skye May 3

you had me in large chunks
and at some points, you had me whole
i had you in crumbs
and at some points, i had you in pieces and it wasn't fair
that's part of why i had to run away
you knew me too well and all i knew of you were the tiny, sad parts
but eventually i realized that she probably knew these parts, too
and i didn't feel like i knew you at all anymore
and still, i wonder
do they know what i know?
do they know about the bullets you held so close to your skull?
or about the xanax you would lay on your tongue when the sky was starry and your blankets were wrapped around your shaking body?
or about how you are so scared of people being behind you that you shake like a puppy and sweat beads up on your freckled neck?
does she know that?
will she?

still confused about him.. i don't know him like i thought i did. he knows me well but not that well.
skye May 3

lately it feels like i'm not real
all i am is a set of sleepy eyes and an airy mind
spectating and thinking
my body floats when i walk
the only thing weighing me down are my thoughts
i hold the flame up to my bony wrist
sear my skin
leave a rusty mark
that reminds me of how
i can't feel anything anymore

honey May 1

the pills are useless
you just can't cure a kid that's already dead
my mind's gone
replaced my tablets of therapeutic poison
i'd give up
if it weren't for the people i'd leave behind

shitty but hey! that's my style!
Carter Apr 27

I spend much of my life
within the confines of my mind
Some days I am unsure
Whether I am dead or Alive

But the medication that I cling to
removes the existential fear
and allows my thoughts to relax
yet, it also seems to suppress my wonder

Without the pills,
I can intently watch myself write
As each stroke of my small wrist
Leaves grey stains across the blank page

With them, I can feel happiness
I can detach myself from life's pain
and realize my distractions
instead of permitting them to anchor my heart

But with my medicine I cannot create
not in the ways I wish to
They build a border between substance and surface
while it blocks out the depression
it also limits my humanity

Yet, if I were to quit taking them
the darkness would return to haunt my world
strangling my limbs, until I have no will to fight
or even to move for that matter

Without them, I can expend myself
in this art that has kept my heart beating
My emotions can freely guide my movements
in the hopes of creating something beautiful

But those pills have also saved my life
and yet, they have a dark side too
The anxiety they breed produce
such a significant strain on my actions
that I can't tell if I'm truly living

So as I sit in this barren hallway
listening to the echoes that disrupt the silence
I wonder whether my temporary refrain from my "lifelines"
will lead to my success or my demise.

Henley Brooks Apr 22

The sadness in your eyes
brought back memories
when I looked at you today,
memories that took me back
to what seems like a lifetime ago.
I saw the emptiness,
the void that now exists
where the irises of your eyes
used to flash color and life.
The light in your smile still lingers,
I can see its memory in the corners of your frown.
The color of your skin
betrays your nod
when asked if you're feeling better.
Your pale, frail little body
looked like a knot, all curled up
in that way on your hospital bed,
and as much as I hated myself for it
I silently cast pity on you.
Your attempt at conversation
was drown out of my ears
by the ringing of a thousand pills
hitting the bathroom counter,
what a beautiful tragedy your parents must have found,
their baby girl
splayed out on the floor like a heap of laundry
needing to be washed.
And you were,
washed that is,
they pumped your stomach the moment you arrived.
All those chemicals filling you
so you'd never be hungry again.
I noticed your scars,
and your freshly made art
hastily carved into your bark
so you wouldn't forget your intentions.
I can feel the thickness
of the air
weighing on you,
and I wish I had something to say
to help lift the burden,
so I simply leave you with
“things will get better,”
but you won't know that
until they do,
because I didn't know it
until now.

Tab Apr 4

i wouldn't have taken so many pills
one after another
after another
and another
and then just one more
i wouldn't have swallowed my sadness
i wouldn't have had to feel the burn in my throat as i threw up
i wouldn't have to carry this secret around that i tried to kill myself last spring
i just wouldn't

it would all be so different
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