I'm by the window on the 5th floor the view can only be described as average the clouds were in my head before now they glide above the hard stone bridge observed from the window floor alongside a placebo pill and a bevarage.
my shorts stuck to the back of my thighs as I walked up the brick steps. I hear the brakes of the bus sigh as they are released. I grab the rusted door handle and look through the spider-webbed window. I step in and the cold air stings my face and seeks into my nostrils and travels down the back of my throat. I see you passed out face first on the couch. I envy the feeling you have, the sweat being dried against the cool black leather. What relief that must be Like a cold bath after a fever breaks. I know your fever is rising but you won't say it.
but your silence and opened pill bottles tell me everything while you're asleep.
Empty and tired, I remove the iron pill from its shiny blister pack, and Refill the tall glass that reminds me to drink. I place the tab on my tongue and wash it down with a gulp of water. Better make it two, no, three. Three to fill my hollow stomach.
Empty and tired, I take my iron supplement, a buffer to prevent me from eating this late at night. Affects absorption, I remind myself.
Empty and tired, but there’s still work to do. And my period came this month, but I didn’t even need a liner to stop the blood, from staining my white underwear. When will I be able to use the tampons that have been waiting patiently under my bathroom sink since I was 12? I’m 16. I tell myself to remember that the next time I take an iron pill to stop myself from eating, when I’m Empty and tired.
This is my life force my only life force A pill that would make my pain go away A pill that sends me to my own dimension A pill that makes me fly so high that I can feel the stars at the tip of my fingers As I float to deep space I realize there's nothing to breath in and found myself gasping for oxygen that sweet sweet oxygen as I hold on for dear life until I realized that I've been back stabbed by my life force my only life force
1:21 am thinking of who I am right now tired of these day dreams always caught up being alone even at home. everyone has these same seconds I experience this too often a maze of mirrors I get lost in sitting still. head so heavy. maybe I need a pep talk or a pill 1:35 am made no progress it's hard controlling my head life's importance grows less and less
this was months ago when every night was rough and I couldn't fathom where I was with my life or how I felt every day.