I'm the girl who sucks at sport and lies to get out of games.
I'm the girl who stresses too much, who spoils the moment.
I'm the girl that looks in the mirror and wants to cry because she can never look beautiful.
I'm the girl who has to fight with herself to breathe.
I'm the girl that can never be happy for her friends achievements
because she knows that she will never amount to anything.
I'm the girl that has breakdowns in class because she can't handle failure.
I'm the girl that curls up in a ball with her hands on her head and tries to block out the demons in her head.
I'm the girl that makes herself bleed.
I'm the girl that wishes she was dead.
I'm that girl.
I'm the girl that people rely on.
I'm the girl that my friends ask for help from.
I'm the girl that gets perfect grades.
I'm the girl that is told she looks beautiful.
I'm the girl that people would kill to be.
But what they don't know is that that girl is killing me.
Too familiar with the unhealthy coping mechanism of numbing emptiness with mindlessness
Your hands are too tired of the math review you’re desperately trying to finish.
You find yourself
Tapping through Snapchat stories, barely paying attention to
The group selfies, of bright, well-lit rooms decked with Christmas decorations
Of red ribbons and green pine and mistletoe
Of the white glints of friends’ toothy smiles
Sometimes the snaps would be videos
With deafening, muffled sounds of cheers, people’s faces recognizable
Even when turned away, laughing, looking at the star, the subject of the snap
All the cameras point to her face as she dances
It’s a party, and the late realization makes you feel dumb
I wasn’t invited. But why would I be?
I’m the asocial one, the one who always has to politely decline with
“Sorry, I have to do homework, have to do this, have to do that”
They’re IB kids. You’re in AP. What’s your excuse?
You think as you sit in front of your fluorescent LED screen
The phone’s luminosity searing through your eyes
But you can’t tear them away from the festive scene playing in front of you.
They’re having fun. It’s nighttime, 11:04, 5 seconds in, but
The environment in your house versus theirs
Seem 12 hours apart, night and day,
You squint, because wow, everyone is there. The close ones, the acquaintances,
That one guy you had to sit next to once in homeroom.
It’s almost Christmas.
You glance around your room.
No cat in sight, mother upstairs, conked out.
Your phone isn’t even alive. The snap has long been over. No vibrations of incoming texts.
Only a semester left.
And your fingers wearily
Pick up the pencil
And you resume
i only see vague remnants of who i was
i don’t have another poem within me.
i haven’t sat down to write since the last time it felt like my old memories and bad decisions were catching up to me.
i don’t know what it’s like to feel like me anymore.
it’s as if it’s the fourth of july and i’m swimming with my friends
60 sunshines, 59 nightfalls till I face the day
40 topics held in to regurgitate,
Spic and span for the marker man to give a brother a break.
Wait, I ain't done
Got anxiety about two more chores in head
Not to bitch and moan but goddamn
Getting tired of this shit
What's the point to push if you don't know where to go
Blindfully blissful ignorance?
They say, and you go.
What ever is most respected.
What ever brings financial comfort.
What about this?
Nah, you ain't good at that.
And so you sulk ever so distracted
Hearing the drip drop taps, splat on to the sink.
The metallic ting of the radiator reverberates as dormant inner silence sings.
A didactic sore for the ears,
Apologies in advance,
Though regardless you must hear it.
Never run to please others
Rather, focus and listen to the deep.
It‘s not what we ought,
Never was it sought,
To bring out a thought,
That you would get caught,
By the hands that fought,
In the night and fog,
On sunny days - drought.
Then you get knocked out,
Coffee in the mouth,
Then a single froth,
Oh how I hate
this time of year,
with the stupid songs
and holiday cheer...
Annoying bell ringers
outside the store,
and the tacky wreaths
hanging on the door.
filled with waxy treats,
ice and snow making
death traps of streets.
spending more then they should
on ungrateful kids
who are far from good.
Fake smiles & wishes
in the "spirit" of it all,
the bloated prices-
the crowds at the mall.
The hour long line
to see Santa the phony
who falsely promises
an x-box or a pony.
Having to gather
with family who annoy,
gifting another cheap
strung with tinsel and lights,
to fun Christmas fights!
holiday parties for work,
making you look like a jerk.
The stress of having
an enormous list
and a tiny budget
just makes me pissed!
No, nothing seems
jolly or merry or bright...
Oh how I can't wait
till post-Christmas night!
My love for you burns like a thousand suns.
You are the sweetest my lovely honey bun.
Loving you has brought me unbridled happiness.
Knowing you love me wipes away all the stress.
The stress that has attached itself to both my work and home life.
That stress pales in comparison to the happiness I'll have when you become my real life wife
I stayed up late tonight,
last night too,
the day before that,
caffeine cranking my gears,
family making me see days through.
on the coldest nights, where I feared failure,
I looked to my right and always knew
I'd fight every battle with you.
I get stuck and erase parts, I felt wouldn't fit us well.
imagine all the lines deleted, the things I never tell.
the illuminated nothing that strangles at my soul,
it speaks to me in phrases yet I never let it be whole.
as I walk down this hallway, a hallway of five feet,
to a room I know contains the best thing I'll ever meet
Don't ask me which,
I couldn't choose, they each have me in a hold
so tightly I am wound, I would let all else go.
I'm a child for being lost in here
I'm a man for walking through the door
looking at most of you, I wonder what you are.