Shes taken so much from me.
I placed her on people
But it was simply her and I,
Our voices shaking.
From the beginning,
I tried to escape her.
But she was so rooted
Inside of me.
My only release
Was to turn it all off
And trust the ground
In front of me.
And real fears
To look someone in the eyes
And try so hard to feel
I could say it was the loss
I could say it was that night
But its not true
On the best day
With the best people
She tells me
I'll never be enough
And I can feel it,
I feel her right now.
Its the only way she let's herself out
My heart races
So that I start to feel sick
And you're looking at me
What the hell im thinking
And I just want you to see
That I'm strong
But she's winning
As I sink
And I plan for her arrival
I look for the softest ground to land on
I try to inhale the fresh air
Until it fills my lungs
But the room starts to fade
And I know its her time
I count to 10
But usually don't make it to 5
And when I wake
To faces I've never known
They look away and laugh
And I just wish I was home.
I pick myself up,
Dust myself off
And fight the urge to explain myself
to the people that can't see her.
The stress sickens me.
It fights me as I swallow it down.
Like tentacles sticking to the inside of my throat,
Desperately trying to get out.
How do others suffer in silence?
How do they fight the tears away?
I look in the mirror and do not know myself.
I see only the pain.
I see concern when others look at me.
And even moreso when I pretend.
It is grotesque to watch,
As I battle myself within.
The words could be the same words
I used when I was at my best,
But they do not translate how they used to,
As my voice breaks and my heart beats out of my chest.
I've torn every bit of skin from my nail beds
And my mouth.
I've brought blood to the surface
More times than I can count.
I do not wish for more relationships,
Or anyone else to bring down.
I simply wish that it would stay inside me
Until no one else is around.
I should lock myself inside these walls,
Until I get back who I was.
But I fear the longer I am alone,
The further she will run.
And when I look into my baby's eyes,
I know I must allow it.
All the judgements, all the concerns,
And that there is no option to hide it.
I will shred myself down to the bone
And let them all see within.
I hold my son close against me,
And I know I would do it all again.
what if all this studying
is for nothing?
what if i cant do it
i crack in the real thing
i just fall apart
how will i know?
i doubt everything
every little move
every little decision
what if it is not enough?
college is rough and im struggling
From the birth till the death,
Has different level of stress.
Life starts going in darker rooms,
No switch of white light to press.
Since the birth of the child,
Parents force to be at the front in life's races.
Among the 1000,5 succeed,
But have something left in life which can bring snake on the face?
Bad memories give so much of pain,
Start smoking and drinking.
For sometimes give some relief,
But more deeper in hell,it's taking.
When I was younger I was easily stressed
Now that I'm older I've come to realize that I've wasted a lot of time worrying about things I had no control over
I didn't have control over it then
And I don't have control over it now
Every time I go through a bad time in my life
It makes the previous times seem less bad
It's then that I ask myself, why the hell didn't you just enjoy yourself
What you were stressed about seems so insignificant now
It's like looking at a picture of a past love
You almost always ask yourself ... What was the fuss about ...
And somehow they never appear as pretty as you had remembered them to be
The veil has come off and the ******* truth has been exposed
Like the man who is hungover in the blistering sun
It never goes down well
And no one wants to be twice a fool ...
October 21st, 2020
Tell me what you see
A trillion eyes
Staring at me?
Hands in their flight
Clack, clacking away
At keys of black
Refusing to say
To utter but a word
Adjust a greatly aching back
Cold and filled with pins
Unwilling, shift in unease
As I sit here
Clack, clacking away
At keys of black
Lingering is a gripping fear
Nevermore are there to be great wins
Of failure and defeat
Baking in the boiling heat
For my sister
Something sweet to eat
While my brain is playing twister
Back to the keys
Oh the clack, clacking keys!
How they press,
How they form my stress
Into something beyond my brain
To express my tries in vain
Listen, and listen well,
For this day is a taste of hell
One of many soon to swell
So each day
Here I stay
Clack, clacking at the keys
Unsure when this racing mind shall be at ease.
- Jay M
October 20th, 2020
Oh the great stresses of high school.
To fulfill a psychopath’s pleasurable dream while under psychological stress is rather an unorthodox way to keep your mind ******* on tight.
don’t do it — you would unmistakably lose yourself in the end if you treat yourself to these people’s wishes. do not fall to the manipulative appearance of a potential lover, for there is more charm amongst the living right-minded people.
I find it odd that I'm similar to my bathroom sink
When the lights shine on, the reflection is dull
It'll try to catch everything, a strand of hair, be it brown or gold
But must follow an obligation, so god forbid pink
The hair piles up but the water needs to go down
A responsibility to do so it's forced to go down
I ask for help but told to rethink
When I go back to the drain, the hair becomes wool
"It's useless if it can't function, they oughta be given a scold!
With those worms in their head, they must be sick!
Insecurities, mistakes, failures, and more!"
Criticized even if they've just arrived at the shore
In the pool I think I see mon raison d'etre,
But out goes the hair,
It need to keep working,
Or else it's pushed aside like a crippled mare
A weird/awkward flowing and eccentric poem I didn't know how to revise or fix tbh lol kachow
In the last hour I dealt with a lot
My own definition of why I look dour
Memories I hid six feet under the ground
Came emerging, grasping, and clawing at me 'till I'm found
Saying what's good for me, but my thoughts aren't considered
Ignored by a mother, a father, a neglected child
A child that mimicked Rapunzel locked up in a tower
A child that had gotten their smile devoured
Each day they get thinner, all hopes get hindered
Clouded thoughts, faded scars, and their music gets louder
A habit to cloak emotions, not being able to shed a tear
Refraining from going to beer, avoiding others out of fear
Consolation comes through rose lenses,
A gun held to their head but not packed with powder
I wrote this short poem because the deadlines in my life on top of dealing with emotional trauma and having no time for myself all at once ******.