I am not living to make myself happy
I am living to make my parents happy.
All my choices are all for my parents
They have taken my life in their hands.
Molding me into something I never wanted to be
If I do all they want and go to places I never wanted to go
They will finally love me...
The place where the atmosphere consists of main outbreaks,
Whether the dishes weren't done or the floors weren't mopped correctly,
Something so small can effect the gross unification of "family".
Feeling like you can't necessarily express yourself,
Leaves you to feel drowned out by the many emotions that flood your mind at the worst of times,
It allows your feelings to grow more and more profoundly erratic; anxious.
Allow me to go into full elaboration as to how I constantly maintain my well-respected position of a so called "good person" or complain about the many people who are just as careless as the majority of people nowadays who simply do not ask how I've been.
I've let days slip by,
Suddenly, I feel no difference in what occurred yesterday or really, no contrast in the feelings I'll most likely encounter tomorrow.
At home, mass mental destructions happens,
It's where I get pulled into a place where I'm just trapped in my own self, similar to the way I feel in school.
I don't know, it could possibly be causing my continuous feelings of nervousness whenever I'm surrounded by people,
Or it could merely be the fact of which, I haven't yet chosen a path or seen quite a way to go through and feel a protective environment around me.
These winter days are gradually approaching,
It's only a matter of time until my mind goes away like the sun at night,
These seconds, minutes, hours can patrol for what feels like perennial timings, but anticipation is what's really foreshadowing my shallow whole of a "home".
Tell yourself you're worthless a thousand times a day
create a work of abstract art on your arms, blue veins aren't the only lines painting the canvas
forget what a smile looks like, but remeber what happiness felt like
sleep the days away, become a night owl and your prey is your own brain
kill every ounce of humanity that once remained
become the lifeless corpse you pictured in your grave.
begin to sew the open wounds back together
start to remeber what a smile was and taste the sweetness of the sun in the day
live in your warmth, thrive in happiness
did life truly get better? are you finally happy again?
revert back to your old ways
the golden days were just a figment of your imagination
a wonderland of sorts
happiness for you my dear, is never to be truly obtained.
you're worthless remember? you don't deserve it.
I am a rose garden, planted on the deepest of fault lines.
I am full of soft petals protected by sharp thorns.
I am radiantly dark and twisted like a tornado. Ripping up everything in sight just to settle to a dull breeze and a light drizzle of rain
I am a wild fire and you are a room that yields no air.
Suffocating me. Draining me of my power
I look around me at the faces wreathed in smiles as I force the corners of my lips to stay risen.
Their laughter violating my absent ear drums, sending ripples right through my naked skull.
feeling like I have an inability to laugh, too emotionally exhausted to even let out an effortless sigh.
Escaping this bitter reality by delving deeper into my fathomless thoughts, finding nothing but torment.
Feeling confined in this endless loop of desolation,
even when I penetrate the escape route with a notion imitating optimism,
the hatch still remains firmly bolted.
I feel empty
I want to run away
But there’s nowhere to hide
I’ll just get in a boat
And go for a ride
Set the sails
And go with the tide
I’ll go with the wind
Wherever it blows
All I need is a drink
And something to smoke
I’ll escape to an island
To a place in the sun
With no one else
Just me and my gun
That’s all I need
To be out in the sticks
Peace and quiet
And somewhere to think
It’s not the end
Just the start
And my broken heart
We’ll just sit there
And talk things through
Look back at the times
Of just me and you
When I’m down
I just look around
I see the trees
And some clouds
Grey skies around me now
I close my eyes
And look at the floor
Flick the switch
And feel no more
You were my knight fighting off my darkness, allowing my light to shine. I was in awe about how you gifted me with happiness, when I myself could never create my own happiness. You broke me down and exposed the only will I had to be alive. Being my knight was only a facade to the antihero you truly were. You left me unprotected and alone, darkness has completely taken over, returning stronger and shattering my will to live.
The same old table
The same modern, open, space.
Natural light floods through the towering glass windows
And I think,
Why couldn't I have been a rock or a tree or a waterfall?
Do trees fall out with one another
Are rocks concerned by the density of other rocks around them, or their plans or relationships or purpose
A rock is a rock
All a waterfall needs is gravity.
I'm human and I have just as much gravity as everyone else and I'm still unhappy
I'll have another cigarette.
A waterfall is water falling
All a human needs is
about people or love or food or the motivation to cook food or the will to eat food even when sober.
Don't forget about money.
That's very important.
Without that, I couldn't buy tobacco.
in french it means "no"
as a prefix
it negates everything after it
i live in a constant state
my life is lead by non-interesting adventures
to non-exciting places
that make me feel more
in comparison to everyone
and even only to myself
i smile my
and nod my
i hang out
just like me
that we are not just
i am the prefix
name a nice adjective
and add a non
that is me
I AM TIRED OF BEING NON
I WANT TO BE SOMETHING
I WANT TO BE
BUT ALL I AM