The world was water
And I was fire
With each unbelievable obstacle
My flames grew higher
But you were my fuel
My burning desire
Now with every day
My wood grows dryer
Yet the water snuffs it
And my flames grow tired
i was alone in the dark.
a tree? creek bed?
it came surging in, with screams tugging on my mind
and it took me over,
not trapping- but entrancing me.
about losing control. about being... entranced.
my first one, probably not the last.
Oh joy where have you gone
You've saddened my heart
Come back where you belong
I'm falling apart
I need you to make me strong
But I guess you're nowhere to be found
I looked for you in pleasure
But you still weren't present
An unsatisfied desire
That is what I am left with
That feeling of emptiness
There's nothing that can fill me
I'm feeling so depressed
A little joy can maybe help me
But still you're nowhere to be found, are you?
Aren't you supposed to be a fruit of the spirit?
When was the last time I felt you
For so long you've been missing
How can I find you?
You're like a lost treasure
Probably buried under my pain and burdens
I try to hide it in my leisure
But Inside I'm really hurtin'
I'm sorry that I lost you
I am feeling so much sorrow
But You have no clue what I go through
I worry about tomorrow
And I don't trust folks that I'm close to
Maybe if you were here, things could have been a little different
But you're nowhere to be found, for years now you've been absent
I was born
But my life I just mourn
At 4 I was beat
Told that my behavior wasn’t so neat
Beating a child for disobeying you
I wanted to cry
But it wasn’t like you understood why
In your mind it was all right
Up to this day I don’t think you understood the fright in my eyes
I can’t blame you it’s how you we’re raised
But none the less I was amazed
Now it wasn’t in a positive way
At 9 I was weak when it came to reading
My teacher told this to you and you got angry
At this point I felt like crying
I shouldn’t have wanted to frankly
But I did
I was just a kid mom
One who was weak in English
I won’t deny this
But maybe just maybe if you had helped instead of yelled
I wouldn’t have felt like hell
By the time I was 15 I knew I was ***
But what was I suppose to say
You thought it was a sin
Even if I was your kin you would not have been accepting
Just another issue with westernization
A problem of being a part of this nation
I came out to you at 16
At that moment I think you forgot I came from your genes
Your first response wasn’t honey I love you
Or even I need time to process this
It was who turned you ***
It doesn’t work that way
At 19 I look back and ask myself why
And then my life I just mourn
This are the negative moments of my life and the pain I remember.
Since I’ve gotten to write
Has been so full of spite
Where to run
I’m unhappy with everyone
Thought I forgot my login... nice to be able to write again
It's been long, I admit
My heart still pains
Quite a bit
I chose to be happy without you here
Then lost my mind
When you disappeared
I want to say that I was wrong
To not accept your love
Until it was too far gone
I beg and plead
With every word
To rekindle our fire
And fulfill our hopes
Run away with me, O' please
Before we miss
The changing of the leaves
The need to breathe
and hold firm
in a room full of turds
over-weighs the hate
or the buzz in my mind.
Nevertheless I take that breath
and continue the journey
into my head
to find and lose
myself in others words.
I wont fall into rabbit holes
off of bar stools
that only lead to unhappy
upsets, shallow eyed
and deep tasting jacks
and cokes with drunken orders
I can only imagine
the feeling of a piercing end
by bullet, knife, or choking line:
the sadness isn't as deep as alcohol runs
behind backs and under noses.
What has happened to my dear friend?
Has his life come to an end?
I so dearly hope he is fine...
My inner light doesn't want to shine...
I wonder if I lost my heart forever?
Why does it feel like I come from the nether?
Am I just dreaming?
Or does it feel like my heart is dying?
Maybe it is dead already?
Maybe that is the reason why I feel heavy?
Is someone able to fix it back?
Is it my best friend which I lack?
Maybe Gabriel knows what must be done?
Maybe he knows why I feel so alone?
It feels like time has captured me...
I have no idea what I must be?
It all feels so weird.....
I wish Gabriel was sitting beside me...
I wish he could make me see...
I wish he would wipe away a tear...
I wish he would call me his "dear"...
I'm literally sitting alone in the dark of the night...
And there are no stars or moon to give light...
I feel rejected by everyone...
Maybe it is because I am alone?
My dreams seem so far out of reach...
They seem so dull and they have turned bleach...
Why is there no one for me in my darkest moment?
Why do I feel broken and bent?
I know Gabriel would help me somehow...
But he is not here right now...
What have I been doing all these years?
Why am holding back tears?
Why am I stuck to the ground?
Why does gravity keep me bound?
Why can't I fly like birds in the sky?
Why can't I go so high?
Why is my life so confusing?
Why is my character so boring?
Why do I only realize now how much Garbiel means to me?
Why did I make him so very angry?
Why did I let go?
What should I do?
God God God.
I keep digging the hole deeper
I try and I try
To make you happy
And not upset
But I am only ruining it
And my happiness.
It is as if the days are getting longer
and the sky is getting grayer.
I fall deeper and everyone watches in silence.
Do you really not see me?