I don't write love song or poems anymore.
I don't write how infatuated I am anymore. I don't spew my heart anymore. I am anti love, but in the sanest way possible. I have lost myself to love and I have found myself toxic for love. I don't write about how you broke my heart. I don't write about the gnawing pain. The constant sting. I don't. I don't. I write about how lost I feel. How awake I seem but so congested I am. Subliminally I have never felt so disappeared. I have never felt so without soul. There's a hole that has sunk the whole of me. Who am I? Where am I? The girl, no the woman in the mirror, staring right back at who should be me. WHO IS THAT? Out of sight, Out of mind, I am running out of time.
What have I done I wonder why
I'm gentle soft and very shy I was not the man I am today But anger hatred has come to stay I'm really fun and so kind at heart But others ripped my heart apart I learnt to fend and fight alone My body ackes my heart does grown When I was a little lad I was happy carefree and never sad I did the things that small boys do How I'd turnout no one new As my toddler years went by I realised my life was but a lie Violence, anger, abuse and pain Would make me hang my head in shame The happy life I knew before Had suddenly gone out our back door Our happy home had disappeared It looked like evil it's ugly head had reared Been a kid so young at heart Like every other kid does start Had to learnt to grow up fast And try to run far from my past But as my teen year went on by I became more withdrawn and shy I made wrong choices did wrong things One night stand and many flings Drugs, ***** and deep dark things to Took me to a place so cold and blue Relationship that never last Oh if I could just return to my past As I aged and became much older Tried to be strong and much bolder But the past that hunted me Wouldn't go away you see I know deep down in side my heart Everything of me was ripped apart I'm but an empty shell inside At least it is my place to hide Ive pulled so far within myself All's affected even my health Im falling deeper into a blacken hole Ive lost myself and I'm loosing my soul The ones that are my near and dear They can not see and do not hear How could they ever understand Not even I this was never planed I can't show love and gentleness Will my life ever change and be a bliss I mask my breaking heart inside Behind smiles and laughter I do hide I sit alone so many nights Thinking back on all the fights I've become my dad you see The one that totally destroyed me How do I get my self untangled When my mind is a mess and mangled I blame the world for who I've become At time I wish it was said and done I lost the ones I loved so dear Because I caused them constant fear I never planed to be this man I should of taken a firmer stand Face my demons and my past Then mabye I'd be free at last But I cant I don't know why Maybe I'm scared so I live a lie What I want and what I need I leave to others and there selfish greed I never make my own decision And I have fall into total depression The ones that think there doing good If they only really understood What I yearn for deep inside My needs my wants my silent cries I'm at a place so far away On this earth I don't want to stay I've given up but still holding on But the gentle me and selfworth is gone So in my mind Ill retreat again Blame the world for all my shame Tell myself it's not my fault It's just so hard and difficult Maybe one day all will change I know this all sounds very strange But maybe tomorrow all will be well And I'll at last come out my shell
I want to pour everything right here.
But, instead, my stomach sinks & in rolls a fog. &, then I hit a wall: a cold, tall wall.
Dark lips match my slumbering feet as i tread
Fringe conceals the elastic snap of my soul Toxin lines my veins to dull the drum in my chest Shame lines my eyes like cats on the prowl Hollow bodies are all i know as tomorrow awaits
this is so very real for many times i get hurt.
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong
I read this poem to my mom and you know how she chose to respond? with a soft grunt that was truly withdrawn she doesn’t seem to have a care for what I might choose to share I used to leave my soul out bare but now I voice my thoughts elsewhere
Maybe unfinished maybe not.
waves of blue prisms crest on and on
below the minds eye in our aquarium tropical drinks for thirsty dreams lava flows in radiant steams, into coral caverns safe from all but the tides of life
Since I saw you,
I've had this hope live in me. That everything that isn't needed be gone. The details of sales papers, shopping carts. The ease of temptation. Standing still. To fill my cart full of things I don't need. Coffee rings, free samples. The debris of reality. Strings and paper slings around baked goods. Shopping around facedown. Pushing the cart row after row. The things on sale. The pings of the register. Splints that aren't necessarily the object we've come face to face with. Jamaican ***. Our fingerprints used in vain The residue from coffee pots and things we've touched. Bottled, sealed tight. Fresh water springs. Still we pursue. I pursue. Your carefree sensibility. I've walked every row in search. Where have you gone, Withdrawn
there is so little to be in the reality.