before you go and do something dumb
I know how it is just to feel numb.
take a moment to let me tell you people care
because maybe you want to share but you don't dare.
don't be afraid to tell somebody you need help
because no matter how small the yelp
they will be there to listen to you
so maybe this is your cue.
this world is better with you in it so don't quit
Please stop hiding that pit
speak out and seek attention
let's start the process of ascension
I know that you feel alone all by yourself
like you've been placed on a dusty shelf
cut off from a society that doesn't love you
but I'm telling you that isn't true.
just give a call to that hot line
let it be a light in the dark that shines
because they will answer and listen
the tears will fall and glisten
because you'll know that they care
you can let go of the tremendous weight you bare.
people love you and they always will
so before you take that pill
before that Blade touches you again
before you step off the end
put down that gun
and just call them so you live to see the morning sun
I love all of you with all of me
I just hope I reach you in time for you to see.
I beg and plead
before you start to bleed
just call them and talk
they want to help you they really do.
don't be afraid to take that first step
don't be like me and never speak out.
-Caleb J. Collins
It's been 6 days since my head filled with the impenetrable fog
6 days since the hands
pulling vinyls from their sleeves to place the needle on top of the grooves to play any distraction available
didn't fit my wrists the right way.
6 days since I made the conscious decision to intoxicate my brain to the point of fuzziness
and now the side-effects that embody the alcohol can't seem to stop coursing through each individual vein and artery
infecting my brain cells with rapid dexterity and a hazy heavy cloud that refuses to clear itself from my eyelids.
It's as if my whole body has been violated by a virus that has spread too quickly to identify and now every last nerve ending has ceased to send messages caused by reactions to tangible foreign bodies belonging to the world
outside my own physicality.
The feet encased inside my shoes are not my own
They no longer help me to stand with ease
or walk without stumbling
I am not here writing this
But my weakening limbs have detached themselves from the rest of me and now there are electronic mechanisms and chemical concoctions doing the job my senses have since given up on.
I am simply not me.
My teeth feel like aggressively inserted slabs of cold enamel constructed without consent behind the pair of lips that are slowly fading every day
These are not my nails scraping against the skin I no longer recognise and feel safe inside.
I feel like I am floating and everything happening around this body is affecting what it is supposed to
But I am the exception.
Every single inch of me is now wrong
Out of place
Unfamiliar and uncomfortable
All the physical feelings are now examined down to the most minuscule fragments
Heightened to the point that they are now extinct in the realm I still try to call "my" brain.
I don't want this.
I don't like this.
I want the substance that is poisoning me to drain itself from my blood
Something that now seems impossible to do.
A constant state of surreality in a more literal sense than I could have ever anticipated.
I didn't mean for this to happen.
I will never be able to identify what it was that flipped the switch labelled:
I can only make mere guesses and vague estimations as to how much longer I will have to spend inside the physical manifestation of a body from which my title of "proud owner" has been stripped.
It still comes back sometimes
In ebbs and faltering waves.
I move my hand to relieve an itch on the side of my nose
Or follow more tablets
with a swallow of water
And for a second
it doesn't pass through my throat
my fingernails keep missing the bridge of my nose
my hands detach
I float without meaning to
6 days since the haze appeared
I guess I'll keep counting
For over half of my lifetime, I've done just fine
forgetting your face
Chose a better man to step into the shoes you couldn't fill
the role you couldn't play
Never once have I regretted that decision.
I have always had a father
always had a lap to crawl into
a hand to steady mine over a trigger
a coach to teach me how to kick anyone's ass who decided to fuck
with his little girl
His picture tops the list of results when you google search "perfect dad."
So how ironic is it that DNA separates us
that I spent nineteen years becoming a woman that he helped shape
only to have your genes resurface inside me
and consume everything I am.
They tell me medication doesn't mean I'm crazy
but I listened to stories about you all my life.
If I start pointing weapons freely and running children into trains
there will be no prison cell for me to sit in
no wasting away the rest of my days
wondering what I could have done differently
I never wanted you to be a part of me.
I made that clear at nine years old
forgot we don't choose where we come from
I wonder if that's why I've spent so many years
creating jigsaw puzzles in my skin
knew I had to bleed out the half of you that's inside me
before it was too late
but I think the scars must have sealed in the sickness
Now I suppose I'll have to claim you.
- Graves -
The first time I met her
I knew I'd never want to introduce her to you
I knew she wasn't very good
at making friends
knew she'd scare you away from me
but I had to keep holding her hand
had to keep her close
knew she couldn't be trusted on her own
I bound her to me
wove a chain of necessity
and cuffed her wrist to mine
I only wanted to protect you.
When she began to pull me behind her
I thought I might enjoy the rest
thought she might have grown enough
to deserve some input
thought I still had enough power
to control her if I needed to
thought I could hide her from you
When she began to fall into me
I built a cage around her
encased her in bulletproof glass
I bolted the door shut
sealed it with every prayer I could muster
kept the key in my palm
because I knew I could never hide it from her
She began to color the walls of her prison
painting them red with the blood from her wounds
until she'd covered every inch of the cell
and blocked herself out from my view
I knew she was plotting escape
knew she was just as desperate
to know you
as I was to keep her in the dark
When her anger began to boil inside me
I felt her fire in my heart
and every time she hurt
her scars appeared on my arms
I'd wake up with broken knuckles
with only her nightmares in my mind
It got so hard to separate which thoughts were hers
and which were mine
I sewed the key into my skin
because I was afraid that I would hand it over to her
thought maybe the scar tissue would make it too hard
for me to rip through
When she laughed at the stitches I showed to her
I realized she had never needed me to free her
I turned my head in every direction
but all my eyes could see was red
Her laughter resonated in the empty chamber
and my lips opened of their own accord
I watched as she took my fingers and smeared them
across the walls.[
Even through the rose-tinted glass, you looked beautiful.
But I quickly slit my wrist to paint over the window she'd made.
I didn't want her to scare you away from me.
I wanted to protect you.
We wanted to.
But I didn't even know how to protect me from myself.
- Graves -
I have a name.
No numbers. No percent signs.
Don't make me into a statistic.
Don't focus on the correlations between these pills and her bottles.
It's a point of view.
It's not our fault what you choose to see.
Two hundred and eleven scars that spell out strength
when all you hear is the regret they scream
Bracelets of lies we forge into our skin
Mine are beautiful.
You never put a number to that.
There are no statistics for the survivors.
No positive predictions that follow us
because you can't measure the blood we've spilled
and come out with the same results we did
can't classify strength by a percentage
or capture determination in any ratio
I am not 10% ambition
equal parts empathy, passion, and thrill-seeking
or 100% a fighter
I am not one out of six or three
or any other known fraction
I am one of a number unaccounted for
that stood back up and washed off the filth
clung to my pride
and continued to challenge the world.
- Graves -
Whisper to me how bad it hurts
how much you need me to satiate your thirst
how much you need me to satisfy your growing need
I've woken up to face reality
and it knocked the breath right out of me.
It picked the lock on my sanity.
I've heard one too many lies coming from your kind of lips.
I've had one too many men decide to latch onto my hips.
And I won't have you having your way this time
I won't close my eyes and pretend that this is fine.
Let you inside me while inside I curl up and pray to die.
Show me how my body craves your touch
how your mind is propelled only by lust
how you automatically expect me to perform the slut
I'm not ready for this anymore.
Hell, I was never ready for this before.
I was not asking to be your whore.
I've tried one too many times to use my lips to please
spent one too many nights, with you, down on my knees
and I can't let you convince me that I'll like what happen next
I could not live with myself if I again failed this test.
Sir, tonight I'll have you know that we will not be having sex.
- Graves -
Let me think...
Should I write this with a bottle?
Should I write this with a pen?
Should I write this out in teardrops?
Carve the words into my skin?
I do it best when I am hiding.
Do it best when I'm alone.
I do it best when no one's watching me
when no one else is home.
Can you see me in the corner?
Can you see me on the floor?
Can you see me in the shadows?
See me crawling through the door?
It's okay that you're not listening.
It's okay that you don't care.
It's okay that you don't remember me
that you were never really there.
- Graves -
Oh, darling, don't you see?
You don't want to be like me.
Go back to your dolls, baby girl,
you'll understand eventually.
You saw me doing what?
No, sweetie, I've just got something in my eye.
I'm not crying.
I'm not lying.
I'm not popping pills like bubble gum.
I'm not drinking 'til my mind goes numb.
You shouldn't hang on the words I say.
Sometimes they are lies.
I don't like how you're always watching me.
I can't escape your eyes.
These scars? Honey, you know me.
I've always been a little wild.
Please, don't copy the things I do.
I'm only still a child!
Dearest, yes, I love you!
Don't you understand?
Can't you see?
It's too dangerous for you to be like me.
- Graves -