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Feeling good
Running around
Catch up on
What’s run into the ground.

So much to do
So far behind
Laundry, yard work
Constantly on the grind.

But fear comes
Banging on my door
Is this real,
Will I plummet to the floor?

Exhausted already
Pushing too hard?
Will I be ok,
Can I let down my guard?

Or is this already
The end of my rope?
I thought I’d healed
And could hold onto hope.

Life is funny
Playing tricks with my mind
I hope to survive
And not become—left behind.
(c) Allison Wonder
9/26/19
I can’t believe I’m back here.
I genuinely thought I was done with this.
I remember the first night I sat on the floor with a glistening blade in my hand,
I turned it back and forth,
It looked so new and unused
Just like I once did.
But soon it was covered in blood
And slipped from my hand.
I stared at myself in the mirror with tears rolling down my face,
Trying to convince myself there was another way.
Was there really no other option?
There was… one.
I felt bad for mutilating myself.
But honestly,
I’d do it again.
I wish I could.
I know it sounds silly to an outsider.
It sounds dumb and confusing and insane, actually.
Not one person I’ve told has understood.
People say they get it, but if they wouldn’t do it themselves, they DO NOT GET IT.
These tears come out like acid
But get reabsorbed
And corrode everything inside of me.
This whirlwind of insanity leaves me paralyzed yet running at the speed of light in every direction crashing into everything that has ever hurt me all at once ripping every fragile piece of me to shreds and leaving nothing salvageable to remain.
So,
I cannot escape the burn
Unless I change why I’m crying.
It’s no one’s fault,
It’s just a response.
A different kind of salt water pours out
Crying for my helpless heart
Instead of my hurting heart.
And the stupid thing is,
This isn’t normal at all.
Heartbreak is ******* heartbreak!
It happens to every ******* one of us ******* humans!!!
AHH.
It doesn’t matter if it was a person or a thing or a hope or a dream. It is what it is and the pain is unavoidable!
How do they handle it so well?
Maybe I’m just inadequate in the strength it takes to deal with your own emotions.
Because most people don’t jump to this
Or fantasize about quitting
Just when things don’t go their way.
They **** it up. Move on with life.
Grow. Challenge. Change.
But truth is
I’m so hopeless.
I’m done with school
I’ve given up on the career I thought I wanted
The life I thought I wanted
I don’t want my friends
I don’t want my family
I don’t want my job
I don’t want my city
I don’t want my country
Hell I don’t even want this world sometimes.
I can’t sit here and pretend everything is okay.
Smile to those who helped me before and tell them things are getting better.
I’m not hurting myself anymore, I’m okay.
I moved out, I’m okay.
I can’t even be around the people who are closest to me.
I make excuses as to why I’m busy
“Let’s try next week”
That’ll give me time to come up with another one.
Every day I wake up and focus on what's in front of me
But I’m still living with this internal countdown
This clock that won’t reveal its hour
But reminds me it’s just a matter of time
Till the batteries stop moving the hands.
Please
Stop telling me I’m fine.
Stop telling me it’s time for me to go into the world and shine.
Stop telling me I’m going to do great things.
Stop telling me I’m healing now because I’m free.
Stop.
Stop stop stop stop stop.
I never needed to escape them.
I’ve always needed to escape me.
They didn’t break me,
I’m still trapped in exactly the same cage now that I’m out.
They go without a single thought in my mind
Because they were barely ever in there beforehand.
Sometimes that cloud goes away
But there seems to only be a certain anecdote
To make the sun stay
But it’s just one bottle
And I guzzled it so fast
I didn’t have any time to enjoy it before it passed.

I really think I need some type of fix.
They know the cure to cancer..
But they won’t let the patients have it.
So they drug ‘em up instead,
If thats the case,
Now it’s my turn.
I’ll need something strong
To fix all the **** wrong in my brain
That nothing else will heal
So hopefully I can make it to another country
Instead of the bottom of the Pacific
Cause I’ll tell ya what
I can’t do it here.
There are no amount of beach days or Sundays or fun things to get me through this now.
So what pill should I take?
Lost Aug 21
I threw up in the sink this morning
When brushing my teeth
I stayed in bed too late again
So I hope nobody sees
The chronic messy bedhead
And the stringy, flakey grease

Putting on old wrinkled clothes
With that ***** laundry stink
Sleeping on a bare mattress
Too lazy to put on sheets
Saying I’ll pick up later
But I’m always napping

Laying on a naked bed
Swaddled in familiar dread
Making no plans to change it
Because I’m sick of trying

I’ve never felt as committed to life
As I have to dying
I haven’t bothered to write lately
Because I’m tired of whining
Lilly F Aug 18
I had to cut you off
not from my life
but from the way you use me,
as your drug
your medication
your therapist
your twelve-step program
because your process of healing,
has become your addiction


©L.F.
LK Aug 2
I bit my lip and took the pill
While you watched me push away my will

A pill to numb my troubled mind
Caused by your own regretful bind

A medicated-to-content teen
With nothing more to do or to be

I’m washed away and paused in time
A quiet, reserved, and lonely type

I shut off that piercing, painful wire
Along with my passionate, vibrant fire

To be myself, I’ve long forgotten how
So tell me, you, are you happy now?
Manuel Jul 25
Your hands are the bandages,
And your look is the antidepressant.

Your words are my therapy,
Your smile is my charity.

Your laugh is my prescription,
Your touch is my injection.

Your stare is my remedy,
Your love is my recovery.
dt Jul 13
i can’t peer inside my brain to check
whether my neurotransmitters make the long jump
or simply retreat back home.
but the dizziness, nausea, and exhaustion
tell me what i need to know.
i want to live in the moment.
i want to taste joy on my tongue,
not oval-shaped white chalk,
the clinical blandness of a waiting room.
i want the uncontrollable racing of my heart
and the shaking of my hands
to happen when someone gives me butterflies in my stomach,
not when the prescription isn’t strong enough.
$28.35 and a few pitying looks
are not a bad trade-off for all the answers.
or so i thought.
but this plastic bottle holds no answers,
only the capsulated remains of who i failed to be.
maybe i am my own inhibitor.
is there someone who can tell me,
before i swallow the next one down—  
where do i end?
and where do the pills begin?
are my thoughts even mine at all,
anymore?
La Girasol Jul 8
I felt it the other day.

Genuine, powerful, mighty, and iridescent.

It was small, yet nearly overwhelmed me for I had not felt it in a long time.

I cried, which I later found to be amusingly ironic.

It was happiness. And real, authentic joy.

The answer to a tear-filled prayer of, "I don't want to be sad anymore, I just want to be happy".
The answer to months of vulnerability with myself, my friends, and two very compassionate strangers.
The answer to unwillingly, but necessary medication.
The answer to undesired and unimaginable grief.

I don't always feel it. And I don't always think it's the only answer. But I'm starting to see it more and more frequently.

They say time heals. I didn't believe that six months ago. I didn't believe that when you left and didn't look back. I didn't believe that when I didn't have hope for myself.

But times change. And time changes.

The unexpected hope, the healing change, the slow growth, the light within.
Reese Jul 6
You know I feel like ****
Not complete **** just ****
I also know it's my fault
Slowing down on my meds
Not stopping
Just taking less than perscribed
I do it to stay focused
It's either Focused and depressed
Or happy and all over the place
People like me more focused
I'm less annoying
I'm more bearable
But more depressed
Luckily
Sadly
Thankfully
They can't see that part
It's this or Happy
But then I can't focus
I get bad grades
I annoy and **** people off
People don't like me
The only person who does is me
But why
Why do the drugs have to be 1 or the other
They cancel each other out
So it's focused or depressed
Or a little of both
I feel like I should be more focused during Lancers [marching band]
But then I'm more depressed
And while I feel like ****
I also feel that
I Deserve It
I am a better person while depressed
I can help those in the same situation better
I can help others more
If I'm happy
It is Not fair
I feel like a failure to those I've told about my mental health
I told them I'm depressed but then I'm not
Am I a liar?
Am I a failure?
...
Well that one's easy of course
I'm a failure either way.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar
When I'm happy I feel like a liar
When I'm happy
....
I feel like a liar
A ******* discrase
Who am I to say I have depression when I'm happy?
It's not fair
What about all those who don't feel the way I do with the same past
When They are on drugs
What if they can't get those drugs?
How's that ******* fair?
How?

I want to live
But if I live, I hurt
If I hurt do I deserve to live?
They only care for you when you say your going to **** yourself
What about if you aren't there Yet
At THAT moment
Then what are you?
Invisible....

And why are there so many of us so ******* depressed?
Just stop it please
Give me the pain of everyone and let me suffer by not killing myself
But suffering with it while alive
To eliminate everyones depression
It NEEDS TO END...
Please
Just stop

But not for me
For everyone else

When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
Why
Why
Why
Why
Why
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
...

..


..
­
..


.
what do I do
Vellichor Jul 4
Gambling, gambling with my life
Rolling dice to leave the knife
Medication comes and goes
What will work, well no one knows
Round and round and round I spin
Playing games no one can win
Getting dizzy till I fall
Wondering how to stand at all
Lock me in this place at night
Make me swear that you are right
Let me out to see the sun
Just to find it’s not the one
Throw me back into your jail
Wait until you post the bail
To see that it’s much to high
When can I just say goodbye
Make me swear these oaths of peace
Even though this pain won’t cease
Just to let yourself get sleep
While I lie awake and weep
Watch the sun rise bright blood red
Giving light to what I dread
There is nowhere left to hide
When my head and heart collide
So I struggle in this strife
Gambling, gambling with my life
I wrote this in a psychiatric hospital after a long and painful journey about my frustrations with my mental illness and medications.
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