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Kat Jan 12
For the past few months
My nights have been filled
With medication-fueled dreams
Often
I wake from nightmares
That leave me drenched in sweat
Lying on cast-off covers
Certain that all I fear
Has come true
But it is more fun
To think of the pleasant dreams
That hold me captive
Witness to a story
That is no longer a story
But a reality

Sometimes
I dream of landscapes:
Pools and rivers of the purest blue
Spheres, translucent and filled with ferns
Hills of evergreens green as emeralds
Clouds so light they seem to melt into the sky
Sometimes
I dream of places from my childhood:
Places where I felt safe
Safe from fear
From the frantic pace of life
From worry
From pain
Sometimes
I dream of the characters I have created
To fill my daytime fantasies
To fill my D&D campaigns
To fill the stories that live behind
Every waking moment
Coloring every experience
With ideas
Of what I should imagine next

Sometimes
I want to lie in bed forever
Immersed in these dreams
In their sights
Their smells
Their sensations
Until the world I am used to
No longer exists
When it feels instead
Like I inhabit a place
So far from reality, yet so real
So real that when I wake my memories are scattered
Jumbled in my mind like leaves after a storm
And for a moment  
I can’t tell which were already there
And which are newly fallen

Sometimes
I think
Maybe
I am going crazy
Losing my sense of direction
Caught up in this universe
Of my mind
But then I begin to wonder,
Isn’t the “real” universe
Perceived through our minds?
And if this is the case,
What is really real?
But enough of metaphysics –
Better to think of
The "real" world, with all its goods and bads
Because the danger with getting too caught up in dreams
Is that you can lose sight
Of what you know
What you have
What you are

The reality is
That you cannot hide forever
In dreams
In fantasies
In stories
For you to experience
The world we all know
You must sometimes leave the comfort
Of the world
That is only real
To you
Lost Jan 9
Cigarette lungs
And poisoned guts
I have a rotten brain
Riddled with curdled spots

I ****** down fistfuls
Of pills from six separate bottles
I can’t nurture any self love
But I find loathing inside to cradle and coddle

Scarred skin
And rampant decay
I am an animated corpse
A macabre, dancing display

In the ICU for three days
Tachycardia and shakes
Jellied my legs into
Disobedient writhing snakes

Cobweb chest
And festering heart
I pucker and ooze
Sickly sour and ****

Hospital hallucinations
On the sink sat a friendly bird
It shifted from form to form
Singing beautiful songs no one else heard
I tried to **** myself by overdosing on various medications December 28th. I haven’t been able to write anything worthwhile since, but I still wanted to share something anyway since I’ve been away at the hospital for so long. It feels good to be out and to be making progress. I will keep writing until I can create something of value again. Thank you all for your unconditional support and patience. I appreciate this outlet endlessly.
Aaryn Jan 8
I'm throwing away my pills
the ones that make me happy
because when I'm happy
it's fake
I can feel the fake words
coming out of my fake mouth
that's glued on to my fake body
and in this fake aura of positivity
I can eat
and eat whatever I want
and I get fatter
and fatter
and fatter
and in this thin-skinned balloon that is my happiness
the tiniest pinprick
makes everything come back down
and am more depressed than ever
and I look at myself
and see
the fat
so I starve  
and the sensation of starving
the emptiness
is almost as good as cutting
which I can't do any more
because things have gotten complicated
and so I starve
and because the Prozac
makes me happy
which lets me eat
which makes me fat
which I can see now
I stopped my medication
less of a poem
more words put on paper
which one can argue is a poem
but poems
are beautiful
this isn't

also I know that I should go back on my medication but I'm not going to so don't even try to convince me
Nigel Finn Dec 2018
And I can control my feelings better now.
The shakes are still there of course-
General anxiety is another problem to deal with,
But, since it's winter,
I can pass it off as just being cold
When the small child holds my hand
And asks me "why are you doing that?"

The drugs are working,
And I can feel myself getting calmer by the day.
The things that bother me don't so much anymore,
And the medication flows through my bloodstream
And into my brain, slowly changing it's
Chemical make-up, and helping me become
A better person.

The drugs are working,
And this is my first attempt at a poem in months.
There's no rhyme or structure anymore,
And it's lacking a certain something that you're used to-
The metre is non-existent, and everything has
Descended into free verse.

The drugs are working,
And I can't help but wonder if that's a good thing or not-
Perhaps it is. Perhaps it is the case that I have simply forgot
The unbearable pain from which my poetry was born,
But still I miss it- those ups and downs which made me... me
And now, as I stare blindly at some old withered tree
I forget what poetry lies within, and only feel forlorn.

The drugs are working,
The old feelings have gone away
And, with them, a part of my soul,
Which could not stay another day,
In this unpoetic hole.

But the drugs are working...
“People use drugs, legal and illegal, because their lives are intolerably painful or dull. They hate their work and find no rest in their leisure. They are estranged from their families and their neighbors. It should tell us something that in healthy societies drug use is celebrative, convivial, and occasional, whereas among us it is lonely, shameful, and addictive. We need drugs, apparently, because we have lost each other.”
― Wendell Berry
Kat Dec 2018
I've been told
That antidepressants have side effects
That finding the right medication
Can be a process
And I always thought
It wasn't worth
The risk

But then I spent a month
Dealing with severe anxiety
And I decided
That side effects couldn't be worse
Than crying for hours
Having multiple panic attacks a week
Huddling on my bed
Too anxious to leave the house
Feeling like a shell of the person
I used to be
That I wouldn't mind
Messing with my brain chemistry
If my brain chemistry
Was already messed up

And people told me
Try meditation
Exercise more
Eat healthy
And yes, exercise helps me
But not when I'm too scared
To exercise
And meditation helps me
But not when I can't meditate
Without panicking
And eating healthy helps me
But not when I have no appetite
To eat

So I went on medication
And there were side effects
And it was a process
But I think
The drugs are helping
Cause now
I can ride a train
Sit through a lecture
Walk home from work at night
Without hyperventilating
I can get through the week
Without sobbing on the floor
Or tearing up
At a sad story or a song
I can think of the future
Without feeling
Quite so hopeless

I've been asked
Do you think you need medication?
If I thought I didn't need it
I wouldn't be taking it
And I know
I'm lucky
I know
I might start feeling worse again soon
I know
I might change my mind
And decide that being on medication
Isn't really what I want
But for now
I'm just happy
To be feeling a little more
Like myself
Again
Disclaimer: I'm not trying to suggest with this poem that everyone dealing with depression or anxiety should go on medication. I know that there are many people who don't want to or can't, and I totally respect that. I just wanted to share my story, since trying to figure out how to deal with my anxiety has been and continues to be a long and hard process.
ollie Dec 2018
Go on an adventure with me
The kind that probably needs to be justified
But I’m not here for justifying
I’m here for declaring something
I’m not sure what
But it starts in being terrified
Of growing close to people
Of talking to them
And slowly getting closer
I want to go on an adventure
So come with me
Because I don’t need myths or magic
I just need a companion
There’s no medication in me making me feel better
But I’m close enough to high
That I’m not sure it matters
Come on an adventure
And I don’t know how long it’ll take
As long as we’ve all done it together
Bexis Dec 2018
I had it in my sights.
My first right move.
I thought I had it.
Then the dream came crashing down.

One by one
Peel back all the layers.
To get to the heart of it.
Watch it beat and slowly shrivel.

Things were becoming okay.
I had taken blue and I felt right.
It ran out of my system.
I can't seem to make things right.

Will I ever be right?
Will I ever be RIGHT?
Will I ever...

Seeing in blue
Just do it
And don't look back.
Lost Dec 2018
I want to die

Every day
The thought
Haunts my mind

I let it sit there
And mull about
In my dusty brains
Carving the number of days
Into the walls of my cranium

Rocking me gently
The idea of suicide
Swaddles me in fresh
Warm blankets
Lulling me
Soothing my cries

I’m under a spell
I’m hypnotized
By death
Swinging a pocket watch
Back and forth
Past my glazed eyes
I wrote this a couple weeks ago while I was in the middle of some medication changes that ended up making me really suicidal. I just needed time to adjust, and I’m feeling much better now.
Lost Dec 2018
Popping prescriptions
Every morning I open my eyes
And see that I’m still here
Hoping something will change
With each tablet and capsule
Swallowed down into my guts
Swimming around in stomach acid
Dissolving into my bloodstream
Trying to slap a bandaid
On my broken biology
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