Marissa 4d

I feel a wave of panic wash over me
As another unwanted hand grabs me out of the music and loud noise
I take a breath and push it down as I let the bliss take me again
Finding myself pressed up against the boy I had met just that night
I feel his hands slide across my waist
And I know that I will soon regret this
But I ignore these feelings as I let the bliss wash over me yet again
Taking advantage of the allusive peace I feel
Even if only for a few hours more

His lips brush against my neck
I close my eyes and savor the feeling of his warmth
Soft lips find mine in the dark
People stare
But I am lost in the calm
Their judgement cannot reach me
Under this wall I have built
Even if for only a few hours more

He grabs my hand leading me away
I am suddenly reminded of myself
As my feet plant firmly to the ground
My head swirls with thoughts
But they are soon quieted
As I bring his body again closer to mine
Even if only for a few hours more

As I walk down the dark street
I brush the bruise on my neck
My hair falls over my neck
To hide the secrets of tonight
Even if only for a few hours more

My eyes open to the light
My head swirling with thoughts
No bliss to silence them
I let their judgement take over me
As I swallow the cure
For another night of peace

Medication is a blessing and a curse

This medication is called Trilafon or Perphenazine.
When I took it, I had the worst nightmare I've ever seen.
Life is something to be cherished.
But in December of 1996, I almost perished.
After my doctor wrote the prescription, I took the Trilafon.
If I hadn't been taken to the emergency room, I'd be gone.
Trilafon helps some people but it makes other people sick.
After taking this medication, I learned that I'm allergic.
I'd like to say it was all just a dream but it was real.
The doctors in the ICU saved me with Benadryl.
I foamed at the mouth and it felt like the Trilafon was burning out my brain.
I hope nobody else experiences this pain.
My doctor ticked me off when he wanted me to continue taking Trilafon with a side effect pill.
There was no way in Hell I'd keep taking it after being so ill.
Now I take a different medication and all is well.
It's much better to take Risperadol or Seroquel.
I was only twenty-five in 1996 and that would've been far too young to go.
If a doctor wants to prescribe you Trilafon, please say no.

This is a true story about what happened to me twenty-one years ago on December 7, 1996.

“You’ll feel so much better,
When the meds start to kick in.
Just give it some time,
And keep your mind open.”

I’m kicking in doors and
I’m breaking glass dishes
And none of it brings me
Any closer to wishes.

Of healing. Of wholeness.
Of anything sane.
Of something, just anything,
To scrub out the pain.

No line of poetry, no act of god.
No deep breathing method or trip far abroad,
Will pull me from these depths that I’m in.
I can’t start to get better
if the meds never kicked in.

Too tired to think
Too tired to sort through
The parade of incomplete thoughts
Marching through my mind

Vague and indistinguishable

They told me meds would help me
But they only cloud my head

It's ironic

I quit drugs
Only to take more drugs

Emily Miller Dec 1

Little white lights and little white pills,
Hoping they both do something for the memories sloshing around in my head,
Kill them like bacteria?
Little bit of alcohol,
Shrivel them up with that bitter bitter,
Snuff ‘em out with my head under water,
Voice out far,
I’ll put on a show,
Strutting around on that hardwood floor,
Emerge stage right, through a prop door,
Blow a kiss to the crowd
At the end of the show,
If I pretend hard enough,
They’ll never know.
But won’t they,
If they find the empty, orange vials,
While I’m caking on stage makeup,
All the colors of denial,
And they know those aren’t tic tacs in my bathroom sink,
And it’s not apple juice
In my iced down drink,

But I can stand up, dress up, and play with the rest of them,
Run with the best of them,
Binding my panic in,
Tangled up in mic wires
And hair pins
As long as I medicate
Don’t communicate
And wrap it all up
Wind it all in
Nice and tight,
Not a hair out of place,
Big smile on my face,
That’s it,
Maybe that’ll do it,
Maybe I’ll get better this time.

Paul C Dec 1

focus—
artificial, just like the pill bottle.

the world condenses, collapses into a pin-point right in front of my eyes
and into my paper or computer screen

thoughts racing at light speed
my mind trying to digest its own thoughts--
confusion,
state of hyper-realism (Who am I again?)
an alternate dimension of higher thought
whirling,
running,
spinning,
racing,
crash into an hour (or two) from now
and fall down
hard, into the present.

Do you love me the way I am
Do you love me for me
Or do you only love me when I'm tamed
Like a beast in hibernation

Are we only ever going to live like this
The light in my eyes no longer shinning
Feelings becoming blunt
Diluted by all those medications

Do you not miss the times
When our love was a wildfire
We burned everything in our way
Our flames never faltered

Going to the beach unprepared
We still stripped off our clothes
Throwing ourselves out into the sea
Free as a eagle soaring through the skies

Holding hands and shivering
In wet clothes and soaking undergarments
We burnt stronger than the cold
As we board the train home together

That was the beauty in love
The true beauty of life
That pack of restraint
The freedom of insanity

I'm not trying to disappoint you
Just choosing to be freed
Like a bird can't fly with twigs in it's wings
I will burn as bright as yesterday

Glenn Onebene Nov 15

I got the phone call three years ago and i can still see my phone tremble
I remember walking to the bathroom thinking it was just to talk about a party or something simple
At work I tried to be quiet like "hey ill call ya back."
She replied... "Kevin killed himself" and the room faded to black.
Completely in denial I said this cant be true
Thinking that i had just talked to you
Losing a brother was never something I expected
And since that day my life has just been hectic
Just another crazy night that could of been stopped
All you had to do was listen to the cops
Man we could of pleaded insanity or anything
Fuckin believable dude and youd still be next to me
Yeah it would of been a shitty road taken
But a great choice compared to the ones you had been making
People talk about being a zombie
But I never thought that it would ever be me
Celexa, Effexor, Klonopin,
Zoloft, Xanax and Welbutrin
Prescribed to all these I tried to live
Walking day to day with no effort to give
Just a ghost in a shell
Just going through life but i couldnt tell
I searched for anything that could make me numb
Taking too many pills, drinking, and driving.. I got so dumb
See the thing that may not be clear
Is that after you were gone i had to see her
She sat in the chair playing a brick game on her tablet
Not more then 10 feet from you in that casket
That fuckin killed me son
Thinking i knew you before her life had begun
Shes getting so big man and her face is a blast from the past
She looks just like you man they grow up so fast
My little girl is doing the same
Would of been crazy to see them hangout and play games
I cant stop thinking about how their gonna keep getting bigger
How life would of been great if it wasnt for that trigger..

Zero Nine Nov 8

Hope below the moonlight
Invested in nonsense
Believing if there's hope
Life won't need to end

Childhood, so sweet,
put holes in my teeth
Innocent nightmares
bear cruel realities
They grow there

Hope below the moonlight
Invested in nonsense
Believing if there's hope
Passion grows, endlessly
She was wrong

Fire gets the rain
Smiles wither
Teeth rot
Empathy opens
Invites love
Invites pain

Time expedites
The threshold dips lower & lower
The balance upsets
Love disappears
Pain envelopes

Now I can't feel
Why would I
not want that?

You never know
The deafening crush
Of silence until it's right in front of you
Unblinking and unmoving
Gathering your soul and
Scattering it like dust on the
Dirt covered ground
Laughing at your misery
Jeering with hollow lips
Pitted eyes seeming to
Peer into your deepest crevice
The silence is crushing
Eardrums are shattering
Erie chills creep up your
Spine at a deathly pace
The noxious air slipping
Into your lungs at
Suffocating speeds
Marching over your heart
Like soldiers in the regime
Until it becomes a part of you
Never being able to differentiate
Between what is you and
What is it
Corporeal and incorporeal
Bodies twine as one the two combine
In a sickly manner
The relationship that of parasitism
Taking years to remove the parasite called
Silence
Medication helping the bonds to break
Shatter and loosen
The death grip it can have
Don't underestimate the power and effect
Silence will have

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