I’m holding a shovel
But it’s not me, I yell
It’s the cloud above me
Filled with anger
The cloud is growing
Consuming my light
Digging me deeper
Into a hole of darkness I must fight
I thought I was through this
I thought I was clear
But it’s back
Looming above, right here
Stealing my energy
Filling me with doom
I can feel the tension
When I walk in a room
Others can feel this
Heavy load of gloom
I want to be free
I want to feel love
But how do I break through
This dark cloud above.
The cloud is back, and she angry.
When will you realise that I'm tired?
That our relationship has expired?
You seem to have ceased
caring. I exist,
I was once alive and desired
I've pondered everything In life at one time or another but found no answers to questions
that I ask of the
life that I live
There always seem to be
more questions than answers the most often asked question that of what's It all
about life I
It's seems to me that most of us are born to this world to a life of poverty for
Its a constant struggle
day In day out
But at the end of days we probably will look back and say what was that all about our I see It you
work the best part
of your life
called retirement and all that really meant to me was more of the same
and financially worse
off but I'm sure at the
end of my days I'll
be left thinking what
was that all
Plants, like us
require sunlight and dew
in the midst of droughts
when the sun is barely a glimmer
but hope hope is around
for those who seek with hands
that fumble and quiver
for what is beyond them
and after every storm
when the sky has caught its breath
there will be hope
if only in the form
of a rainbow.
-Esther L. Krenzin-
thank you for reaching out to the national crisis line
hi im losing hope and could really use a sign
we are connecting you now to a therapist online
okay thats great because im not doing alright
hello thank you for reaching out tonight
hi i feel loveless and bleak, im ready to see the light
but you matter so much, i want you to thrive
i cant take it anymore, i dont think i can survive
no matter how it feels, repeat to yourself this line:
no matter what happens to me, i will be fine.
no matter what happens, ive been through it and survived
no matter what happens, i will be fine tonight
ive been struggling recently and decided to share a little bit of advice on what helps me out. its just a little advice from a national crisis line, to contact them text RISE to 741741. theyve helped me through some rough nights and i hope they can do the same for you
To look after yourself is the greatest thing.
But how to do this when you've never been looked after.
To know when to stop and when to start. Is difficult when you've had an uncared for heart.
Always at the bottom of the pile, guilt creeps in, can't laugh or smile.
Stay locked away and feel shame and sin.
Please someone look after me.
No, I can't let anyone in.
Who cares for you Mom, when you
You give and you give
to your children
and to all who are fortunate enough
to cross your path
But what about you, Mom?
Who holds your hand when your shoulders shake
from the strain
of getting up
and moving on
even when all you want to do is curl up
and have one more minute
before facing the day
Its okay Mom, sit down for a bit
take that breath you needed
you don't have to be strong all the time
why should you, when your in
the deep end
flailing for peace
clawing for acceptance
and fighting to find the meaning
Your dreams, something to cherish in
have been shoved to the bottom of your
for so long
you cannot hear their screams anymore
What I would give to heal your wounds
and take away the heartbreak
for you deserve to sing until
like a balm
it soothes away internal festering
"Chin up," they say, "You are brave."
Well I say, "Head down, dear one."
"There is bravery in the strength it takes
to show that you are hurting."
So Mom, when you are struggling
to deal with a unending sea
close your eyes
wade into the dark waters
-Esther L. Krenzin-
To Mom. Who is the strongest woman I know. Who has faced death, and pain and loss. Yet she is still standing. To all the brave mothers out there.
You are seen.
You are appreciated.
And you are loved.
Do not blame yourself for her undoing,
You are not at fault for the uneasiness in her brain,
the poison that has seeped into her skull.
You’ve plucked the thorns from her bleeding hands, taken the blades from her skin.
Comforting words have been offered,
Your warm smiles hardly ever returned.
She continues to dwell in a dark place,
Giving you only brief moments of light.
Please do not blame yourself for her undoing,
how can you expect to help someone who does all they can to hide their demons?
So many thoughts racing
I just keep pacing
These devilish thoughts are the ones I'm facing
So i just gotta turn away
No i aint runnin
But im starting a new day
I sent my demonds out to play
I locked the door behind them and told they could not stay
I put my emotions in a box and sent them away
I look well and alive but deep inside I don't wanna face the day
I wanna lock my self in a room
Because I still got missory and depression knocking at my door
I got anxiety and bi polar creeping threw the floor
I can't go back to the old me but he has me pinned to the floor
I can't take this ******* any more
Foot on the gas and it's to the floor
Trying to stay on track
But the simple little crack turns into the canyon
I feel so deserted an abandon
Family don't even notice it or care
Friends are hardly even there
Felt like I was almost there
The top was in reach
Now I gotta find every peice of the puzzle again
I really love you
I wish I could write that phrase over and over again
How it is in my mind
I cry for you sometimes
Hope for salvation for your soul
Wish happiness for you
Also for me
Every once in awhile for us
Rarely for her
I think about you when it is sunny
Think about you when it's raining
I miss you when the sky is clear and blue
I miss you even more when it is cloudy and storming
The wind reminds me of your fleeting smile
The ground of your even voice
I miss it all too much
Care too much
Every mention of her breaks one more piece of me
Each time I hear her name I feel like crying
I open my heart up to you
When I'm done I feel raw and exposed
I'm struggling with the patience to wait
I need you too badly
You bring so much joy
Bring me so much pain
But if no one else believes you
I will believe IN you
It's worth fighting for..
YOU are worth fighting for!
Written back in my high school days.