Steel yourself for the inevitable surprise
New ties knotting round your neck till you choke
Go for broken hearted again
Go for finished unstarted again
Fall in love for the feeling of falling from infinite heights
The rush of death grabbing at your clothes like a desperate lover trying to take you in.
The air wrapping round your limbs
For a moment you are
Suspended
Frozen in a fantasy:
A collage of red eyes and tendrils of smoke, the smell of fresh rain, resonating harmonies, the fretting curl of a tongue around a barbed remark, and now this-
Shit shirts and shadows
This feels like remembering a dream when you fall out of sleep
Chasing through fog
Stumbling through memories of feeling like I wasn’t worth your time
That all I could aspire to was sunflower following you
Turning east to west
But feeling rooted to the spot
All tongue and talent lost
In the shadow of your apathy.
This feels less like fate
And more like I’m butterfly-catching
Sticking pins through anything beautiful
Trying to understand what makes it soar unaided for so long
And killing it in the process.
Other times, I am the butterfly,
Catching light until I’m trapped
My affection becomes a museum for you
To bring your children into, someday.
Because nothing can stop my descent
I am not iridescent to all of you
And maybe I know that
Maybe that’s why I choose you
The safety of a glass window to hide behind
And the familiar crunch and snap of bones As I hit the rocks beneath.

Discretely
Following
Activities posted
Dialing your numbers
Blocking my own
Hanging up
Just after you answer
Long enough
To hear your voice
The memories flood
Of all the times
You’d greet me fondly
Back when you treasured
My existence
This light and energy
Which has dissipated
Since you’ve gone
Lost in the translation
Of goodbyes
The idea
That you never
Want to see me again
Not of any fault of my own
But because you’ve found another
Someone
Who makes you shine
Without trying
As oppose to someone
Who spent every minute
Exhausting options
Trying to make you smile
As I reach your door
I realize
I can’t bring my finger
To your bell
Leaving you content
Hoping someday
You see what I was worth
Call me
Without hanging up
Just to talk
Explain
What went wrong
Find the cure
To the poison that filled us
The one
That caused us to separate
Melting us into nothingness
Leaving me searching
For the pieces
To begin to repair us
Without your help
Or awareness
No permission needed
Because I am convinced
That once you see the big picture
You will come back
And thank me
For all of the effort...

We share a bond,
and poetries and songs in the spaces between.
We love ice cream,
and the conversations that come with it.
We dance,
and pour our hearts out into the lyrics.
We share hugs,
and giggle through those bedtime stories.
We steal kisses,
and some untold stories that peep through those peals of laughter between the drinks.
We gossip,
as if no one's watching.
We cry,
while watching movies and pamper each other after finishing.
We live in different cities,
and still, never miss a call a day whether it's for just five minutes or fifty.
We miss each other,
and write letters about it.
Distance.
The distance feels really unread between us.
Maybe.
Maybe, that's why we're just best friends and not lovers.

Pandering thought, meander through my essence.
Set my skin on fire, flush me in both flesh,
and genitalia; but redeeming release remains
improbable if not teetering on impossible.
Soundlessly, or so I would like to believe. I
push back the carnal, making desire much more
rabid, and I repeat idioms simply to distract.
"Victimless!" I'm reminded by the operatic
symphony of memories playing in perfect pitch,
on time each grouping strokes my psyche
with feathery simplicity.
Aching, throbbing words so frenetic, to
annunciate them would make this fantastic
pain I seethe for incredibly real.
Maybe I'd rather save the pent up ferocity
for divine intent, but the beast is hungry, and
my resolve grows weary.

Weathering impulse for me, is torture beyond
obscene. Heated breath would be fingertips
upon this urge filled flesh, would be pursed lips
against the nape of my neck, would be fingernails
digging in with malicious intent.
Fervent this pen isn't enough fluid, but watching
it move across these blue lines allows me to
imagine tracing the elegant hairs along her stomach.
All of which without a word muttered.
"The silence is perfect."
How do you not hear the cacophony, the almost
fiendish delicate devil begging for freedom, if not
a chance to lick her leg.
Would it make her toes curl?
Would it make my back ache in effort?
Only thoughts now, my God where is the
silence!?
"The silence you ask? Sweet release."
When it abates I sorrowfully await it again.
Held within its grasp the moments seem cruel.
Once gone, like an addict, I want it more
and more.
Is this a mind-gasm? A well orchestrated plot
to humanize my animalistic thoughts?
I wish for the perfect ending, but happiness
is just as brutal.
Now I reside in my weakening resolve,
coaching it up, if not myself.
I've never stood this close before, I can almost
hear her thinking,
of me, maybe?

mutual love may not be present, in terms of partnership. but it is present everywhere else. in family, friends and ourselves. love felt for a specific someone can be projected to the ones who love us back. because after all, grief is love with nowhere to go. and love always has to go somewhere, it has to.

you look like everything i've been searching for
complete with a scruff on your cheeks
and a thick accent that makes every word you say
sound sweeter.

you look like home.

and i feel more heat in my body
and more love in my heart than i have ever felt
for anyone else,

i crave your touch
around my waist
your lips on my neck.

part of me wants to live in the glory of these feelings,
and part of me wants to crush them with my fist.

i don't want to feel too much for you.
you don't know it now,
but my downfall in the past has been just that.

i know i already have though
i know the feelings have already dug themselves
deep inside my bones and planted seeds
that will bloom a soft yellow in the spring

whether you stay or not.

Our lips are touching
But my mind is drifting
To everything but you
In these moments of truth
I have no proof
No hopeless devotion
Or strings of emotion
One foot out the door
Pedal to the floor
I’m counting the steps
No thoughts of regrets
Waiting impatiently
Feigning affections
Knowing my direction
Listening to the beat of my heart
Following the rhythm
Searching for a brand new start
Awaiting the moment
When I have the words
To explain why we need to part
Cowardice in its purest form
Nothing outside of the norm

it feels like
you've given your every single bone
to the idea of existing
inside of someone else's head
promising yourself
you would never force yourself again
to love, to hurt and to be hurt
yet it feels
you've given too much already
to stop feeling
like you've ever belonged to yourself

bruised knuckles
forcing their way
through the concrete of your guts
trapped in your own cage of dreaming
to mean something to yourself